As I began the fun filled process of drafting a cover letter and resume for a possible job prospect, I realize the difficulty in writing, trying to “sell” myself, while trying to dissect parts of me that are most suiting for this position. Instead, I end up writing a different type cover letter and resume, with 3 things running in my mind:

– If I had to sum my life up in 3-5 paragraphs, what would it be?

– Why aren’t more important questions asked and addressed during these processes, you can learn so much more about a person from their personal triumphs and failures then you can asking repetitive, surface questions.

– If you could give yourself advice, followed by the lesson of that decade, what would it be?

Welcome to my resume of life….I highly recommend everyone attempt writing their own, it’s amazing to see your life on paper, the triumphs and tribulations – all meshed together through the decades, forming pieces of you as you went, without even realizing it!

To The Director of My Career:

Due to the fact I didn’t fit well with the average student in the classroom or athletically in High School, I made myself known through rebellion instead. Even though my friends were members of the Honor Society and lettered in athletics, I had a knack for throwing a killer party, while also being the life of the party. Literally, life was one big party to me, whether under the influence or not, I lettered in communication!

Advice: you are more then what you’re made to feel by those around you and even more so, the stories you tell yourself to fit in. Don’t listen, nor cling to the negativity and insecurity – they are simply bad stories you tell yourself to mask the parts of you that feel as if she doesn’t fit in, in ways she’s “supposed” too.

Lesson – even the best party planner is not exempt from consequences and the realization that substances can only mask so much for so long. Know when you’re clinging to something too tightly, be it a person, place, thing, status or behavior – it doesn’t define you – I promise. Let it go, grieve it if you need too – but be ready for something better.

I entered my 20’s with the birth of my daughter, also known as my saving grace and the one amazing thing from this decade. For as scared as I was to be a mom, it became home immediately. The age of 23 marked what became the decade of trauma – or the 3 D’s – death, divorce and depression. This era included periods of wanting to tap out of life, more then stay in it. I was driven primarily by guilt, regret and anger, which were the few driving motivating emotions through the depression. I was reliant on needing to be “fixed” especially in the head, with that fixing came large doses of medication, then the need for more fixing with health ailments from their side effects. This became a new crutch, on top of the others that I whole-heartedly relied on. While trying to stay afloat and navigate my way through the fog, I don’t realize all of the things I’m learning about myself as I go.

Advice: Hold on – tight. These are the years of the most expansive self growth but hands down the most painful.

Lesson: You are the healer of you – keep going. You are an ocean – full of layers upon layers of traumas and triumphs, and every emotion in between. Even the ocean resurfaces some of it’s deepest buried treasures and skeletons. No one is exempt. You will always come home to you, there’s only so much hate, blame and anger you can extend outwards without realizing you are the only person that you will always have to face in the mirror.

My 30’s have been a breath of fresh air considering – like a phoenix rising from the ashes, I can finally see the light for more then a second in the drowning seas. Although the seas still manage to knock me around from time to time, swallowing me in the grief, heartache, guilt and shame – they’re reminding me I’m still human and what I have left to work on and heal. This is the decade where things have come to light again and again – an awakening of awareness. Just when I think I’m done working through something – it resurfaces in a new light – reminding me the work is always there, but so damn refreshing and liberating to push through once I’m able to see the view from the other side. Feels good to slowly but surely be free from the chains that have bound me through each era. Breaking away one at a time.

Advice: call it the new era of “mid-life crisis” if you may, but take it as an amazing opportunity to see life through a new lens. Even if it has to start over now, you’re still young enough to embrace it and start anew, while wise enough to have the past 2 decades’ knowledge to do it differently. 😉

Lesson: we’re all constantly learning, but learning to not think and act from a place of self hate has been the hardest to overcome. Its where you need to learn to be nicer to yourself, while breaking ideas around “right, wrong, good and bad” and do what feels right for you, giving yourself room to falter without judgement. We all have shadow sides, quit focusing and hating those parts so much, and accept it for what it is. You aren’t every skeleton. Continue to move along – it’s only going to get better.

Resume:

Teens (1999-2002)

• Amazing communicator (first comment at every conference since Kindergarten!)
• Plans great parties
• Always smiling and laughing
• Rebellion to fit in and stand out at the same time
• Prefers nothing except English and Psychology

Twenties (2004-2014)

• Learned the definition of being a mother
• Traded in being a rebel for people pleasing
• More concerned with fitting in and being a “good” mom/person and outside perception of me
• Trial and error career, all customer service based
• Survivor of suicide, divorce, depression, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and being dangerously over medicated
• Drowned in depression, guilt, shame, self-hate, self-loathing, vodka, marlboros and toxicity (it became my new norm and home)
• Learned living instead of dying
• Still an amazing communicator – just wanna talk about the deep stuff

Thirties (2014-current) * All still a work in progress 😉

• Learned what healing what the inside out meant
• Advocate for a new paradigm around mental health
• Jack of all trades, master of few, and ok with that
• Learning to embrace the shadow side of myself
• Learner of forgiveness in every sense of the word, while continually being forced back to the drawing board to reexamine it every time it reappears.
• Overcomer of anger, guilt and shame
• Sees the world through the eyes of an Aquarian, a dreamer of the bigger picture
• Embracer of all that is right and just on a humanitarian level
• Awakened to the ways of the world, behavior, emotion and trauma
• Believe there is always a core far beneath the surface of the current issue, and a ripple that expands from it
• Did I say an amazing communicator? 😉

Education

• Completion of the amazing ACTV8 program http://actv8.vanessafeils.com/
• Currently still enrolled in life lessons of forgiveness of self
• Learning mental illness doesn’t mean broken with a fixed sign on it – only room for growth and expansion of self awareness

**If you could sum up your life resume with a word or sentence for each decade, what would it be? Any advice or major lessons learned from each?**

*If this resonates, feel free to share on social media!*