Author: Revolution.07

Behind the Badge

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Who are you without the badge?

If I’m being honest, I am tougher with the badge then I am without it. I try not to rely on the system in order to survive and I rarely go along with mainstream narratives as I believe that thinking for yourself is important. I believe in making a contribution to the planet and taking care of it.

I am a crunchy mom who believes in living off the land. We raise animals, hunt and fish and even have honey! I’m trying to raise human beings that critically think. I hope my children do not become the criminals we deal with while on the job. In our home we have rules with an understanding that respect, support and love is to be equally given and received.

What lies beneath what people see on the surface?

What lies beneath the labels is deep seated grief, sadness and sometimes anger for the two miscarriages that I had. I lost two babies within two years. Western medicine makes miscarriages sound so common and normal, therefore I didn’t grieve over it. There was a feeling of “oh well, I need to move on.” 

I wish I would’ve dealt with it earlier because now I have no choice but to deal with it. It’s harder to work through it when you’re forced to. It’s been two years and I’m still working through it with a therapist because there’s an overwhelming amount of grief. The grief arises out of nowhere and shows up in all forms. It’s easier to ignore and try to push past it but it isn’t that easy when something triggers it. The layers feel never ending and the emotions are so intense. These have been struggles that I didn’t know were going to be struggles and now they are mine to deal with it. 

Do you think there were defining factors that contributed to the miscarriages? 

The role stress plays in our health is vastly underestimated. It has societally become a badge of honor to fit more in and constantly be working, running or doing. For two years I was a crash reconstructionist. It was eye opening to realize the amount of stress this job carried, which I couldn’t see until I was no longer in that environment. 

After my first miscarriage I was asked how much stress I was under, I said none. After my 2nd one I quit that position and realized how much lighter I felt. I had learned how to adapt in that environment and didn’t have a clue as to the toll it was taking on my body. 

After the second miscarriage I realized something was wrong. All the tests showed normal and yet, intuitively I knew something wasn’t. I started working with an acupuncturist who confirmed I had more going on, which was later verified through a scan. Alternative practices started making the most sense in terms of how our bodies operate and finding the root cause. I learned that we are unknowingly consuming so much poison. This excessive intake is contributing to so many health ailments and people don’t realize that many of these issues stem from how we treat our body and what we put in it. However, insurance doesn’t cover a lot of alternative modalities so I stopped seeing some of these practitioners due to cost. Invitro was an option but it was a lot of money for no guarantee. I felt as though I’d done everything and yet it felt like dead end after dead end.

What is grief to you and what stages have you gone through? 

It’s not a learned process that is talked about or deemed as “normal.” Many just expect a person to move on after a miscarriage or loss. I just want to be able to talk about it without crying. It’s so hard. It feels as though I will never get to that point. There’s still people consuming drugs that are getting pregnant. It’s hard not to question why things are the way they are or why we get dealt the hands we do. 

Do you and your husband grieve differently? 

Completely. I watch him and wonder what I’m doing wrong. I feel as though I’m constantly comparing myself to him and everyone else. I don’t know if it’s the way society has trained men to cope with emotions or if it isn’t innately a part of them to express but it can feel as though we’re in two different universes when it comes to grief. It makes me feel like I should be further along in the journey then I am. 

How has your faith played a role in coping?

I have always relied on the church and spiritual practice to get me through tough times. I made a bargain with God after my last miscarriage that “If I can’t carry a baby full term then I don’t want to get pregnant” and I haven’t been pregnant since I said that. Be careful what you wish for because sometimes it can come true in a way you didn’t intend.

It feels impossible not to ask questions like WHY or HOW?! Miscarriages happen to people everyday. How can I get pregnant and deliver one child and then not be able to carry full term after that? I don’t understand it. God made our bodies to have babies and yet mine feels defective. What am I doing wrong? What have I done to deserve this? Why is this happening to me? Why our babies? Why are people who don’t want children able to conceive when they won’t care for them? Then, I’ll read a bible verse that often provides a sense of peace. It’s a tug of war with my faith. I think many that have faced adversity can relate. It doesn’t fix the situation that’s happening, but it can provide some insight and internal peace knowing that this is all for a larger cause, whether I can see it or not.   

What is something you want others to know about miscarriages? 

Grieving is hard but it’s important. Get whatever help you need, whether that’s therapy, a support group or seeking out alternative practices. I have sought out different modalities on my journey and learned something from each of them. Recently, I wrote letters to the babies and got a tattoo in their memory. I was surprised at the weight that was lifted after getting the tattoo, it was the relief I very much needed. 

Despite what societal norms say, it is a loss and it’s taxing on your body. Allow yourself time to recover physically, mentally and emotionally and know that each person’s journey is specific to them. Most importantly, remember that you are not alone and you deserve the support! 

** Don’t forget to read “Part 1” of Kara’s story, “Chasing Tailights.“**

Chasing Taillights

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Life is a tapestry of events. One event leads to another as it weaves a web that often makes sense in reverse. Kara’s story focuses on two pivotal incidents that left defining “before and after” moments. One that led her to being a state trooper, the other led her to this entry. Welcome to Kara’s story.

Was there a defining moment that put your dreams into action? 

Yes, it was January, 2012. I was standing on the side of the road taking pictures as hundreds of squad cars from far and wide escorted my friend, Shawn Schneider’s, body to his final resting place. Something deep within me stirred as I watched officers from all agencies across the country gather to pay tribute to a man who willingly lost his life for a stranger. After the service, a Chicago police officer gave me a patch and I realized that I wanted to be a part of this family, a brotherhood. 

Prior to this, I had a 10 year career as gas station cashier while doing photography on the side. I was married and often thought about becoming a volunteer firefighter. My own self doubt mixed with others’ opinions detoured me from pursuing this path. Instead, dreams remained just that… dreams.

That moment was the moment that altered my trajectory in more ways than I imagined. Over the course of the next year I became a volunteer firefighter and began taking classes to pursue my two year degree in law enforcement. My personal life also shifted, as my husband and I divorced. While I originally envisioned myself being a county deputy, I realized that chasing tail lights as a State Trooper was a better fit for me. A State Trooper handles anything that happens on a state highway, this includes but is not limited to, enforcing traffic laws, clearing blocked roadways or offering roadside assistance during emergencies. Being a trooper also allows me to assist other agencies in need. In December of 2016 I was accepted into the academy where I would complete the State Patrol training. 

The quote “sometimes bad things fall apart so better things fall together” seemed to be accurate. This trajectory is everything I imagined it to be. Doing this work filled me with a sense of duty and commitment to the public. I felt a sense of belonging, camaraderie and brotherhood. I truly feel as though I’m being of service to a greater good. Although there is a chain of command, I respect and understand why we do what we do and the reasons behind it. 

Can you identify a pivotal moment in your career that altered how you do your job?

Yes. It was the moment I stepped off the bus into the Minneapolis riots in May of 2020. I left my 7 month old son and husband at home for what some would consider a war zone. Every ounce of assurance, confidence and training as a trooper felt as though it meant nothing as I entered the streets of a burning city. I was terrified and overwhelmed by what I witnessed. What is even more terrifying were our orders to stand down and hold the line. We were instructed as to what we could do as we watched the horror of looting, defamation, and assault unfold. We were screamed at, spit on and assaulted. The only time we were permitted to intervene was if someone was in life threatening danger. How is it that we can watch crimes be committed right in front of us and not take action when our very job is to stop criminal activity? Buildings were on fire, people were rioting, humans treated other humans with utter disdain and disrespect. I have never witnessed anything like this and I hope I never will again. 

As troopers, our job requires us to respond to situations that have little to no control. We are there to coordinate order, it is a large part of what we do. We add calm to the chaos and restore a sense of safety and security in less than ideal situations, but this was… different. We didn’t have the backing from our superiors to create order, justice or peace, it was anarchy. 

This incident sets the precedent for what is to come, which is not only a huge societal shift, but it alters the way we perform our jobs. From this moment forward we are told to decrease petty offenses such as expired registration as it is better to focus on speed as we can’t be blamed for racial profiling. 

What is fact versus fiction, myth versus truth, that people tend to believe around this profession?

I would be willing to argue that 90% of what is fed through the media is fiction. The public is getting very, very limited pieces of the story and that’s assuming the media cares to capture any of the truth. A good example is a bodycam. A video is not as accurate as it appears. There is a lot happening when we respond to a call and the cameras do not pick up on everything. You may think that because you saw it on a body cam, it feels as if you were there but it’s tunnel vision compared to the peripheral vision of an officer/human. It’s a limited point of view in comparison to the reality of the situation. 

Another example is the riots that began on May 26th, 2020, even though the state was in lock down. Minnesota reopened on May 31st, 2020 with heavy instruction to limit exposure. However, hundreds, if not thousands, were allowed to for Floyd’s memorial and protest. The message was very contradictory as to what was allowed and what wasn’t. We were being told that lock down was for the safety of the greater good but not during certain circumstances.

Many act as though there’s a simple fix to complicated situations we come across. My question is, if things were as easy as people assume they are, why isn’t everyone signing up to do this job? People are quick to tell us what we did wrong when they see it on social media. It is easy to judge a situation when you’re looking at it through a screen. To put it into context, picture yourself playing a sport on a field or court versus being a spectator sitting on the sidelines. There is a big difference in what you see from the stands versus what you see while you’re in the game. Can you imagine someone coming to your place of employment and critiquing the partial view of what was caught on camera? How would you respond to someone telling you what you did wrong or how you should have done it differently? That is the reality when the media provides half (at best) truths to the public. 

What is one of the greatest threats facing law enforcement today?

The lack of support from the government. Everyone is pitted against each other and people don’t realize the ways in which it’s done. For example, during COVID we were told to limit our contacts with the public, even if people were committing violations. The divide is created by the media and the government does little to nothing to create a bridge to better our societies. This has become increasingly obvious since 2020. People want safety but noone wants to be held responsible if they’re in the wrong.

What are the most courageous things you’ve witnessed in the field?

Courageousness is in the eye of the beholder. People do alot of courageous things daily. When it comes to this profession, putting the vest on everyday and entering on what some days can feel like an ungrateful society, is courageous. It is the ultimate sacrifice to lay down your life for a complete stranger. Shawn’s sacrifice still reminds me of that. 

If you could change one part of society’s perception about this profession, what would it be?

My first question is, why are we the bad guys? Just because we deal with bad guys doesn’t mean we’re bad. People threaten their kids with us, that we’ll come and take them if they’re naughty. I know it’s not meant maliciously, but we’re painted by society as someone to be feared. We do good things outside of arresting people. We attempt to be seen in the communities and curate relationships with citizens to the best of our ability.  

Not everyone in this field is abusing power or is ego driven. Projecting this negative persona of the profession onto the rest of us, isn’t fair. A majority of us are trying to uphold our duty to serve and protect the masses without harming or traumatizing others. We have families and people we love, too. We want to keep citizens, as well as our families and children safe. At the end of the day, the goal for everyone is to go home safely. 

What changed about the way you perform your job that the 2020 riots brought about?

 I am more mindful about who I pull over and where I pull people over. If I run a license plate and it’s stolen, there is a lot more thought that goes into how I navigate the stop. I am more aware of where my backup is located in accordance to me. After the riots I was less likely to pull over or ticket people of color because I didn’t want to add to the racial divide. But after awhile you realize that people will blame you for race no matter what. We can profile cars, not people. I ticket almost everyone for 20 mph over the speed limit, that has nothing to do with race. Fewer people are accepting personal responsibility for their actions. 

How has your perspective on life changed since joining the force? 

Since I’ve joined the law enforcement brotherhood, I have realized how fragile life truly is. Prior to doing this work, I lived in my own little world, thinking nothing bad happens. It made me realize that this is not the reality of the world. I don’t believe people are evil at their core, but people do evil things. People can be unkind when they are trying to survive. As is the case in any profession, nationality, race, etc. there are a few bad apples that can give others a bad name.

The reality is, we have to be thick skinned in this profession. We wouldn’t make it home if we weren’t. I remember being told by a college instructor that the goal of every officer during their shift is to go home. It is better to be tried by 12 than carried by 6. There were many moments in those first 24 hours while I was in Minneapolis that I questioned if I would be tried by 12 or carried by 6. We all have our own personal struggles, hardships and triumphs. We are trying to figure out this thing called life as well.  I’m a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister and a friend. I am many things beyond this badge. All of which I hope to return to. 

Stay tuned for Part 2 of Kara’s story “Behind the Badge” 

2019 The Year of Trust

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I walked into 2019 with my “Word of the Year” being trust. I knew I needed to learn to trust in the process, trust in my discernment of others, while also trusting in something larger then myself.
As with the beginning of every year, I went into it with enthusiasm and excitement, finding myself being conscious of things happening around me, and saying yes to new opportunities with complete trust that all will work out as it should. As the year progressed, that excitement faded and I found myself getting lost in the daily chaos and giving into things I knew felt off, ignoring the fact that trust was what I needed to be focusing on.
As the year came to a close, trust began making itself apparent again as many things were happening around me in which I was feeding fear more then trust, far more fearful of the outcome, with less faith in the lesson. With reflection, I realized the biggest lesson that was being taught, was the most important, and that was to trust myself, my decisions, and my internal guidance system.

Thank you 2019, trust, and all with whom I’ve crossed paths with, you have taught me so much about the world at large, those surrounding me, and most importantly, myself.

The Year of Trust has taught me….

That behind every face is a story, and each story has a multitude of chapters.
That chapters are often more complicated than they may appear, and with them comes a lot of layers and depth.
That the lyrics of a song can put our emotions into words for us, and there’s always another one to be written, striking a new chord.
That humility looks alot like getting knocked down, and resilience looks alot like continually standing back up.
That you can feel utter and complete loneliness being in the midst of many, and connection can feel safe amongst the company of few.
That the masks we wear are just wounds waiting to be bandaged and healed, but you can’t bandage something without first acknowledging it needs attention.
That just because every ocean makes waves, doesn’t mean it didn’t start with a ripple.
That while all of the human emotions are important in serving a purpose, belly laughter is an absolute necessity in daily life in order to keep your sanity and wits about you.
That every outward judgement of another, originated with our own internal critical voice towards ourselves.
That every problem has a solution, assuming you’re willing to find it, with acceptance that it may be different than you had originally envisioned.
That oftentimes relationships look less like fairytale endings, and more like hard working, beautiful chaos.
That trust requires a level of being comfortable with not knowing, and not knowing demands a lot of letting go.
That the behind-the-scenes is often different then what’s playing on the stage. And the mistakes are your opportunity to improve moving forward.
That the days of dress rehearsal are nearing an end, and showing up and moving forward is about to become mandatory for all.
That while strength is an attribute to aspire too, it requires weakness to obtain, and with weakness comes vulnerability.
That the idea of responsibility is more than just paying the bills, and holding a job. It is observing your thoughts, emotions and behavior and most importantly, owning and changing them when necessary.
That everyone’s lens and perception of the world is so very different. And the only way to understand the complex layers, is to take the time and willingness to explore them.
That support looks different for everyone, and sometimes you have to ask…both for it, as well as how to be it.
That often times imprisonment is generated by that of the human mind, and obtaining freedom, looks a lot like self reflection, hard work and discipline. However, the benefits always outweigh the drawbacks.
That our outside world often represents the state of our inside world. You will see both order and chaos cycling.

That it’s easier to swim down river then it is up, and when we’re going upstream, we’re in resistance to what is in front of us.
That in order to evolve, we must be willing to enter new territory and that anyone has the capacity to do so, given they are open and ready to try.
That over your lifetime the compilation of small things will always be the big things, and authentic support and encouragement are something the world at large is in desperate need of.
That there is no escaping balance. Everything and everyone has light and dark, positive and negative, yin and yang. You can’t have one without the other and you have to be OK with both sides of the coin.
That life is a dance, it requires stumbling, sidestepping, backward and forward motion from beginning to end.
That truly moving forward often requires forgiveness. And forgiveness of self is the hardest apology to accept.
That it’s important to remember that life can always be worse, there is a lot to be grateful for, attempt to see even the worst days through a lens of gratitude.
However, it’s also OK to acknowledge that a struggle is a struggle, and pretending the armour isn’t heavy, only makes the weight feel more unbearable.
That faith looks different to everyone, maybe it’s less about the details and more about the importance of simply believing in something larger than ourselves.
That we need to get back to the basics in life, there’s beauty in choosing to simplify instead of complicate.
That every sunset is followed by a sunrise, even if it takes awhile to see the light.
That we’re all just doing our best, even on days it feels like anything but.
That with each passing second, minute and hour, follows another, day, week, month and year. And with those comes the opportunity of a clean slate, waiting for us to create a new story, write new chapters and sing new lyrics.
As we enter not only into a new year, but a new decade, the phrase that resonates is ‘letting go’. Letting go of linear and small minded thinking, of toxicity in its various forms. Letting go of control, the need to be right, self hate, self doubt and self judgement and learning to silence that nasty little, but loud and critical voice within. Letting go of unresolved internal chaos, and people that aren’t encouraging growth and evolution; both in themselves and others. Letting go of pent up emotion and unspoken words, both positively and negatively charged. Letting go of the need to please everyone around me in order to feel validated, while also letting go of the constant need to resist and rebel, they say there’s a sweet balance between the two…I’ll let you know when I figure it out 😉
As with everything there is a counterpart, with releasing comes embracing. I look forward to embracing new opportunities, people and places. Embracing more authentic conversations amongst a plethora of people, continually learning and adapting, being open to whatever is put before me, knowing it is for my evolution. Embracing uncertainty through the lessons, while remembering that I too, am only human….for as easy as it is to allow the words to flow through my fingertips, it doesn’t come without the realization and harsh reality that putting it all into action is the hardest part.
May you let go while embracing as we enter into this exciting new time. Thank you all for your love and support in the many ways in which you have provided it, Happy 2020!

*If this resonates, please feel free to share!**

**Change is hard, if you’re looking for additional support, book a complimentary call at http://www.crisisaverted.org **

Connecting the Dots

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Lamb Colloage Final

If I told you that every experience is molding you for something bigger, something more, would you believe me? As you age, you have the luxury of looking back over your experiences, the old adage about “hindsight”. You can connect the dots backward and see how one thing flows into another. You can see the interconnection of all things as time unravels the answers to the questions you thought you’d never get. Kevin Lamb’s story so beautifully illustrates how life’s experiences really do happen for a reason. The things God puts in front of us, are molding us for something bigger, oftentimes, to connect with others.

Getting started, tell us about your parents.

I came from parents that stood at opposite ends of the spectrum. My father, a doctor, was an introvert, and workaholic, with an intense passion for medicine and money. My mother came from a strong family background, the product of a farming family where everyone contributed in some way to the family.  After they divorced, my mother was working several jobs to provide for her family. She never let us see the difficulty in providing for her boys (myself and my two brothers), as we always had everything we needed and wanted. I learned how to sacrifice and really work from her example, how to survive and overcome difficult situations when the world seems stacked against you.

The divorce was hard on all of us.  My brothers and I moved to Minnesota from Colorado so we could have some male role models in my mom’s brothers.  I was eleven years old, and left my grade school friends in the middle of the school year. I was uncomfortable in the new community, like an outsider with kids who had all grown up together.  And I wasn’t sure what to think of my parents divorce, but I knew things would never be the same. At the time it was hard to see that my parents just loved us, and they were doing their best for us. As a kid, it’s hard to realize the importance and value of having a relationship with your parents. 

Over the years my relationship with each of my parents has grown, but it’s taken time, patience and understanding. My mom sacrificed so much for her family, first for my dad while he finished medical school and residency, then for us as she tried to be both mom and dad for her boys. After my brothers and I grew up and left home, she struggled with depression and alcoholism. Your kids give you such a sense of purpose, especially as a single parent. Her role as a mother was such an ingrained part of who she was that she struggled to find purpose outside of that identity. Between depression and alcohol, it’s been a really tough road…for everyone. And both are the reality for many households and families. It impacts everyone, and in different ways. She has worked relentlessly trying to get and stay sober, while also managing her depression, but the disease of alcoholism is strong, causing her to stumble at times in her recovery. This has impacted not only my siblings and me, but also our children. However, the admirable part is how she gets back up and tries again, fighting for her life and her relationships with her kids and grand kids. She is the strongest person I know.

What was your biggest struggle growing up?

 Although it may be hard for many to believe now, socialization and finding myself outside of being an athlete were my biggest struggles. It took me a long time to come out of my shell and to take social risks, to have fun without worrying that others were judging me.  With the divorce and move to a new state, I just really wasn’t sure of who I was outside the realm of athletic competition. I was shy and quiet, trying only to blend in when I wasn’t competing – totally different for who I am as a teacher and coach.

What is the greatest contrast from your upbringing to the way you parent your kids?

My biggest challenge is not constantly pushing my kids to be better and just accept them for doing their best. My frustration tends to come out in anger, and it’s hard to not take things personally. I have to take a step back and separate myself. To truly love our kids unconditionally can be one of our greatest challenges – to just accept them completely as they are, with all of their flaws, without trying to make them better all the time. 

When I was growing up, there was always room for improvement and there was always feedback to go along with it. To just accept that our kids are doing their best too, and they’ll figure it out in their own time, is something we all need to remind ourselves.

I try really hard to be emotionally, mentally and physically present for my kids. My mom had to work so hard to make ends meet, and my dad was really not a part of our lives. But, that’s driven me to do it differently, to be aware and present to what is going on as much as I can, both with my kids, as well as for other kids.

My wife, Stephanie, is my grounding element in everything I do, including co-parenting. She is the stability and consistency that not only I need, but our family and household needs. She loves me unconditionally, and that in and of itself ripples to our sons. I didn’t grow up in a home with parents who demonstrated that, and I am so grateful that we are able to give that to our boys, to show them what a functioning, solid and stable relationship looks like. 

Why did you choose the profession of being an English teacher? 

I was fortunate enough to not only be naturally gifted at sports but academics as well. I was able to float through with good grades without having to put in much effort, which later came to haunt me during my college years. It wasn’t until college that I was able to expand and grow, but with growth came the pain of learning how to put the work in academically. This was also my first introduction to getting to know myself outside of sports. My roommates were extremely smart, and it helped me to increase my effort and performance in my studies. I had to learn how to study and do my daily work, something I wasn’t accustomed to in high school. English came easy to me, and it’s something that everyone needs in their daily lives. They need to be able to effectively communicate, comprehend and read, and I knew that I could break this down into something that students may find easier to understand.

What is your biggest failure, that was also your greatest teacher?

Motivating through fear is rarely helpful, and focusing on the growth more than pointing out failures is much more effective. This can be hard to do in the day to day routines, but it’s easy to see how detrimental it is to a person either thriving or struggling. We can all be more supportive of each other. Encouragement and positivity go so far, and make constructive criticism so much easier to hear.

What is the lesson that took you the longest to learn?

True, faithful acceptance of God and myself. To truly believe that who I am is good enough for God, my wife, children, students, and community. Even though some have seen me at my worst, I am still worthy of the goodness and blessings in my life, despite my shortcomings. I am continually working towards acceptance of self, and recognizing we all have our good and bad days.  We don’t have to be at our best all the time in order to give our best effort. 

The other thing that has become more prevalent in the past couple of years is how to let go and grieve. I have found my purpose (aside from my family), through my students and athletes. Both my wife, Stephanie and I say that our strength comes from serving others. But with that has come the realization that I’ve deflected some of my own grief. I’ve come to understand the importance of putting on your own oxygen mask first, before supporting others. If you can’t breathe, you’re not being truly helpful to those you’re trying to support. I’m trying to be better about allowing myself that space and opportunity to feel the necessary emotions I need to as well, so that I can heal and perform at a high level.

Can you think of a time you were untrue to yourself?

A lot of adolescence is figuring out what being true to yourself means and what isn’t. You’re growing and finding yourself, influenced by others and not always sure how to think or act in a way that you know you should. I remember specifically treating a high school girlfriend really poorly. I was manipulative and downright mean to her. I didn’t like myself or the way I was acting when I was with her and realized that wasn’t who I wanted to be. 

What were major crossroads in your life?

I was in college, still an athlete, but coming to the realization that this wasn’t going to be the rest of my life. That is a tough bridge many athletes cross at some point. I had spent a lot of years on a field or wrestling mat, pushing myself to improve with a sense of tunnel-vision, only to realize it was only one portion of my life. It was time to take those lessons and apply them to the rest of my life. 

During this transition I felt such a loss of identity, it felt overwhelming and disheartening to think of myself outside of identifying as an athlete. When I realized I wanted to become a teacher and really have an opportunity to help kids, the adult me became more important than ball or being the athlete. I had a renewed sense of purpose. It was a big transitional period and one that led me down this path.

Have you struggled with mental illness?

I’m genetically predisposed to mental illness and personally struggle with depression. Looking back, I would say a vivid memory was my second year of college. I was coaching 9th-grade football and one of the students committed suicide, shortly after, my grandpa passed and my oldest brother moved out of state. I don’t think I got off the couch for at least 2 weeks. But it wasn’t until about a year ago that I got on medication for depression. Things didn’t get better after a time, and they weren’t “bad” for any particular reason. Things just started becoming increasingly grey and gloomy for an extended period. I couldn’t find happiness in things that I used to love, such as my family, hunting, fishing, or sports. 

Since being on medication, my overall outlook has improved. Little things don’t affect me as much, and I have more control over my emotions. I wake up almost every day with a positive outlook on what I will do and the impact I can make on the people around me. I am less irritable and much easier to be around (I hope), less demanding and more accepting of performance below my expectations. I still push my athletes and students to improve and hold them to high standards for performance, but it isn’t as big of an obstacle when I feel people are not reaching their potential. 

Why did you choose to be a coach?

Aside from the fact that I’ve always been a huge competitor, both coaches and teachers were instrumental father figures that served as primary role models for me. My mother’s family was great at letting us come along to hunt and fish, but I didn’t feel the same connection as when I was on the field or with teammates. I felt most comfortable and secure, connected and present being an athlete, because this was my family, outside of my relatives. 

My primary focus with coaching has been to create a safe environment where boys can be open, honest and vulnerable with each other. My overall goal in this position is an intentional, positive impact. It’s more than just football, a win or a loss, and it’s more than learning about yourself or how to improve, it’s learning about life as a whole. Whether learned in practice or in a game, the lessons on the field can be applied to life as well. I want them to see that and connect the dots so they can apply it down the road. 

We started this season with a short losing streak, and we have had our share of struggles the past few seasons: players out with injuries, and various struggles as a team.  It’s hard not to get stuck in that rut, myself included. I kept thinking if we could just get a win for a little boost in morale, it would really help! But we have to remember there’s always a lesson. There’s a large majority of outside circumstances in our lives, that we can’t control. You will give it your best, and sometimes, you’ll still come up short. Our job is to figure out how to be better, not bitter.  Growth doesn’t happen in times of comfort, and each obstacle can be seen as an opportunity to learn, improve, grow. As difficult as it is sometimes, it is important to see problems in a positive light because they ultimately help us more than success does in the long run.

The true test of character is when you’re in a slump. In life, you’re not always going to get the job, the girl/guy, the house or the raise. You will lose people close to you, you will have bad things happen, but you have to keep moving forward and learn from the last interview, relationship or financial struggle. What could have been done differently? What is there to be learned? And when you’re out of the slump, it becomes clear what was needed or why you needed it at that time, and how it helped you grow.

**We can all learn from others’ stories! Feel free to share if this resonates with you!**

**If you’re interested in scheduling a complimentary call with Amanda about Life Coaching sessions, visit www.crisisaverted.org **

Fork In The Road

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There are times in your life where you’ll be standing at a fork in the road, and not even realize how detrimental this one decision can be. How vast a contrast one decision from another really is. Or how it will alter your entire life. This was me when I decided to leave Germany to follow the love of my life to the States. This was the difference between expansion and stagnation. This wasn’t just a turning point, it was the turning point.

This is Michael Heppner; Husband, father, German Teacher, and Boys Soccer Coach, but his story holds so much value beneath that. I respect his ability to self reflect, and not only observe past faults and take ownership but also a willingness to correct them, is something we can all learn from. Thank you for taking the time to share the parts of you that make you who you are today.

Can you think of a time you were untrue to yourself?

Honestly, I spent from the day I was born, to 19 years old, always trying to be something or someone that I wasn’t. I came from an environment that reinforced that the external mattered more than the internal. This was a part of an era that many can relate to, perhaps you could say a generational way of thinking. These outside markers were of utmost importance…the win, the grade, the success…always measuring.

My brother was held to a very high standard, there were expectations to be a teacher and do big things in life. He was very intelligent and met the standards given, however, this wasn’t the same for me. There were predetermined opinions and expectations of me as well, most of which I felt were negative. Instead of proving them wrong by showing them who I truly was, I behaved in a way that actually solidified that opinion of me. My father would tell me, ‘Michael, you are not very bright, but you are a hard worker. Get a job in construction, or drive truck.’ Even though I was intelligent, I chose not to show it. Instead, I chose to drink, smoke and make poor decisions. With poor decisions, came poor grades and consequences. It wasn’t until later that I realized that wasn’t a life I had to live, and there were other options and avenues to pursue.

What was a major crossroad in your life?

Growing up, my mom was a butcher and my dad a Lieutenant Colonel in the German Military, so my home life was very structured and controlled. My mom made every meal, did my laundry, and cleaned, so much so, that I still find myself falling back into old habits when I enter their home. There’s very little of my daily routine that wasn’t calculated. Upon graduation, I entered the military, as this is a one-year minimum requirement for citizens in Germany. This included living in the barracks during the week and returning home on the weekends. I had become so used to being at home, with comfort and structure, that I would cry on Sundays, knowing I had to leave again. The plan after Basic Training was to be a cook in the Military and live at home.

It’s 1998, and I’m in my prime. I’m 21 years old when I attend our town festival ‘Karneval’. The “cool” thing at the time was to have “business cards” made with your address and the school you’re attending. My buddy made me some that had just come in that day. Before leaving that night, I gave my card to this girl. I didn’t think I’d hear from her, but a few weeks later, I got a letter in the mail. She was nannying for a family an hour from my parents. From then on out, we spent as much time together as we could before she had to leave for the States. This was my first glimpse into the possibility of life outside of the mundane routine I’d become accustomed to. That day, the festival, the business card, the timing – HER. It changed everything, forever. She later became my wife and a catalyst for the life I wanted to live.

How was the transition to the US? If you could sum up America in a phrase, what would it be?

My parents were not only devastated when I left but again when I become an official American citizen. When I got US citizenship, my mom said: “Mike, it’s like we’re losing you all over again.” It’s difficult to take on a new culture, especially when you’re so shielded from the world. Alot of things were regulated, there’s no fishing or hunting, and you also don’t have school sports. They’re separate from each other. You can’t even have a bonfire in your backyard. When you have 82 million people living in a space the size of Montana, living gets tight, you don’t have yards and some basic freedom that we’re used too here..

My one phrase to sum up America, in my opinion, is “From the dishwasher to the millionaire, America is great!”

What is the biggest mistake or failure, that has also been your greatest teacher?

My dad was my badminton coach and I was very involved with soccer. Never was I asked how the game was, or if I had fun, only if we won. If we lost, it was on me/us to continually do better and more. Winning became not only a measurement of success but also a measurement of self-worth. You won, no matter the cost. Period. That mentality carried over into my coaching when I started coaching Girls Soccer. I didn’t realize the capacity in which my actions were hurting others. I would scream on the sidelines, outraged at mistakes and losses. At a certain point, my wife quit coming to the games because of my behavior. But I didn’t care, and I didn’t know better. The win was everything, it was the only measuring tool.

A couple of years into coaching, it was mandated that we attend a conference called “Why We Play”. Apprehensive and annoyed at the thought of wasting a summer day in a conference instead of fishing, I went. There was one phrase that struck me, “You don’t work at, or win a sport, you play a sport”. This changed the way I coached from that day forward. It took a lot of introspection, and self-examination of my behaviors and my belief systems behind what sports are. I want the players to learn and grow from opportunities, not to teach through dictating from a fear-driven perspective. Instead of being a measurement of self-worth, I want them to reflect on if they put their best effort forth. I want them to know we can have personal wins, without winning the game.

I destroyed a lot of relationships with athletes and ruined their love for sports. To this day, I deeply regret those wrongs. I have learned that the most important part of teaching and coaching, is the positive impact you can have on anyone, despite their performance. There is an opportunity for growth through every “failure”. Now, I coach from the sidelines, I don’t pull a player out for every mistake or ridicule them in front of their teammates. I know they are doing the best they can at the time, and my job is to allow them to learn in a safe environment. My passion for both coaching and teaching has changed from winning to connection and support.

What is something most wouldn’t know about you?

I was a vegetarian for most of my childhood. For the longest time, I only ate bread and chocolate milk. When your mother is a butcher, this is an insult. When you don’t have a lot of control in your life, you focus on the things you can control. For me, it was what I ate. My parents took me to Psychologists to better understand what was “wrong” with me but were not successful. I didn’t know how to verbalize it at the time, but I would say it was my way of being defiant, feeling as if I had a say in one area of my life.

What is your greatest accomplishment(s)?

I would be lying if I said a primary drive behind obtaining my teaching degree, was just others’ opinions of me. The idea of the degree seemed too high of an expectation, but a challenge I was up for, largely in part of the encouragement from my wife. Although history intrigues me, I thought I could add another dynamic to teaching German by being able to share the culture from a personal perspective. Earning this degree was a huge milestone, it represents so many things to me. I am grateful to be able to teach youth, and I hope in ways that extend beyond the mandated curriculum.

Who is the most influential person in your life?

Hands down, without a doubt, my wife, Debbie. Without her, there’s a lot of things I wouldn’t be, she’s all of my reasons.

Overall, when I see things being done that I don’t agree with, or poor role models, I just try and take note of that, and do the opposite, to the best of my abilities.

**We can all learn from others’ stories! Feel free to share if this resonates with you!**

**If you’re at a ‘fork in the road’ in your life and would like additional support, book a complimentary call at www.crisisaverted.org **

From Elgin to the Eagles

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As with most things worth fighting for in life, it didn’t come easy. It wasn’t a straight line to the top and it wasn’t served on a silver platter. It was a series of events, a mixture of highs and lows, a lot of redirection, all while learning to recalibrate as I went. It took time, and it still takes a lot of daily hard work. I was fortunate enough to have amazing mentors who helped guide me. I had to learn how to be adaptable in a cut throat industry who’s competition is next to none. I’ve been higher up the ranks, only to have to start back over on the bottom, each teaching a lesson along the way. Each time, learning to make the most of where I was. My name is Carson Walch, and this is my story.

As he strives to bring the best version of himself to the team everyday, he also strives to help his team be their best. Thank you Carson, for taking time out of your busy schedule to share your story. It is one one of perseverance and inspiration for all who have doubted their path, that nothing is out of reach with hard work and dedication.

Can you give a synopsis of your journey?

Growing up in Elgin, MN brought with it the perks of a small community. Aside from the overall friendly demeanor, and the opportunity to build lifelong friendships, I’m surrounded by genuine support. I grow up watching and idolizing my older brother. Many of my life choices, surrounding football and career, mirror my brother, Travis’ choices. This includes my choice to pursue a degree in Elementary Education at Winona State University. After completing my Bachelor’s, I’m offered a free education to pursue my Masters Degree if I help coach. This is my first glimpse into loving the game, outside of playing it.

At 23, I’m making $9,000 a year getting paid to coach at Dakota State University, while cleaning restrooms during the off season. Although there were various parts of different positions that were less then “ideal”, I made the best out of every situation, knowing it was a stepping stone. The funny thing is, I never pictured myself in the realm of pro ball. It wasn’t my intentional ultimate “end goal” when I was younger. After coaching at a few colleges, I had the opportunity to come back and coach at WSU, and I loved it. I was content with the thought of this being a long term possibility. I was able to work with young men, and be apart of a game that I love. It wasn’t until I was offered a position with the CFL (Canadian Football League) that I realized my career could become something far bigger then I imagined!

Who have been the 3 most influential people in your life?

First and foremost, my parents, Dave and Peggy, and I don’t say this lightly. Growing up, my friends would tell me how lucky I was to have amazing parents. When that’s just your life, sometimes it’s hard to see because you don’t know any different. As with many things in life, the older you get, the more you appreciate just how amazing they are. Growing up, they were always in the crowd, cheering us on. No matter what it is we’re pursuing, they’re always supporting, it really is the most valuable key ingredient in parenting. They are a driving force behind my determination, I love having my friends and family along for this ride with me.

My older brother, Travis. He was a natural, watching him perform gave me the drive to continually improve myself, constantly pushing to be better, especially in sports. He’s someone I’ve always strived to be more like.

Marc Trestman opened my eyes to a new world of offensive football. He offered me my first job opportunity in pro ball in CFL and asked me to follow him to the NFL, coaching the Bears. Not only was I able to learn his wisdom of the game, but also observing how he treated people, really made me strive to be better at what I do both professionally and personally. I’m truly grateful for his (and many others) guidance through the years.

What’s the greatest advice you’ve been given?

It’s 6 am in Chicago, we’re sitting in Marc’s office in Halas Hall (the birthplace of the NFL), watching the sun rise through the big windows in his office . Marc says to me “Don’t get bored with your surroundings”. It’s easy to get caught up in the monotony of the day to day routine. Even when you’re working in an industry such as this. But it’s important to remember how fortunate we are to have the lives we do, and to be privileged enough to pursue our dreams. I think his lesson for me that day was, take the time to stop and be thankful, even in the moments of monotony.

What have been some personal lows or struggles for you?

Professionally, it was being let go of by the Chicago Bears. Up until this point, I hadn’t realized the reality surrounding job security in this profession. As one can imagine, it was a huge hit to my ego. It isn’t as easy as one may think, to find another team to take you on. I had spent so much time continually climbing the ladder, only to have to be what felt like, starting back over. I went from working with the Chicago Bears, to using the following year volunteering my time helping at the University of Minnesota, hoping something would surface permanently, even if on a college level. This was a struggle, as well as an important lesson, that nothing is forever, and in this industry, it can change quickly.

You never forget getting fired. It’s easy to go into a tailspin thinking about what everyone did wrong, but I had to take a step back and take responsibility for the role I played, instead of blaming. I had to ask myself “what could I have done better, and how can I learn from this”? I had to shift my focus on doing my job to the best of my ability. Each day I leave the building knowing I did the best I could. Winning in this industry, keeps you employed, it’s the reality of it. It is also something that can never be taken away from you. You know, as a team, you worked hard to earn that.

What is the lesson that took you the longest to learn?

People always tell you, “work hard, keep going, be good to people and some day it’ll work out”. It’s hard to believe that while you’re working hard, feeling as if tangible results aren’t in sight. I heard that for a long time, but I didn’t always believe I was going to get a break. But the lesson is, treat people good, work hard, and despite your industry or trade, know it well, and good things will come your way.

How do you maintain a healthy balance of your work and personal life?

To be honest, there isn’t a balance while in-season. When the average day is 16 hours, it’s hard to fit much else in. I am fortunate enough to have family and friends that come to our home games. I love having someone in the stands when we’re at home, but that’s the reality of getting to see them while the season is in full swing. During the off season, I live a normal life, working Monday through Friday, having more flexibility. I also don’t have kids, so I’m not affected in the way others in this industry are regarding home/family life.

What is most important to you?

The 3 F’s, which for me are, family, football and freedom. Family is at the forefront of what I do. I’m the second of four children, followed by my younger siblings, Ryan and Lindsey. They really are the driving force behind my passion to continually better myself. I love that they’re on this ride with me, and that I can offer them experiences they may not have otherwise had. Making them proud is one of my primary reasons for doing what I do.

I am fortunate enough to wake up and do what I love. Not many can say that, and I’m grateful for this opportunity. Despite the long in-season hours, it doesn’t feel like work when you’re living your hobby everyday!

Freedom in the off season to travel is something I’ve always been passionate about. I have always had a love of being by water, and traveling both domestically and internationally.

In a world of instant gratification it can be hard not to compare our everyday lives to everyone else’s “highlight reels.” Have you gotten lost in the comparison game, or is it reality to think something substantial doesn’t have to be built?

It’s easy to think “that should be me” or tell yourself you should be places you aren’t ready to be. But there’s a necessary process to getting places, even if you can’t see it at the time. You have to take the steps and learn as you go.

If you could give your younger self advice, what would it be?

When I was younger, I played ball with an extreme love and passion for the game, and I wanted to do it better then anyone else. I was the relentless competitor, but with that, came appearing as a know-it-all. It wasn’t until my late 20’s, early 30’s, that I really started asking myself “how do you want to be remembered”? I want to be remembered for my humility and just being a good guy. My advice to my younger self is, have more humility.

What “words of wisdom” do you have for both adults and youth?

Perhaps it’s because I’m in this profession, but I think it all starts and ends with respect. I really do think respect of others, especially those trying to give you (or your kids) an opportunity for growth, deserve the courtesy and trust to do what they’re hired to do. With a massive epidemic of “everyone knows best”, it’s important to spend more time building each other up, rather then tearing each other down. Many of these coaches dedicate their time and energy to give youth the opportunity to grow, and hopefully have a positive experience. It is an opportunity for them to learn to advocate for themselves, have difficult conversations and learn how to improve, while receiving constructive feedback. It’s important that we’re teaching them as adults, that we can have differences in opinions while still respecting each other.

Another sliver of advice is, listen more then you speak. This can be hard to remember at a younger age, but those that are older then you, do know a lot, because they’ve seen alot. Ask questions and listen to them, they’re full of knowledge!

What is something that is important to remember during tough times?

As hard as it may be, it is staying as evenly keeled as possible. You can’t get too caught up in the wins/loses, everyone needs to know the environment they’re walking in to each day. It’s hard to perform at max capacity when you’re unsure of what your daily environment is. I am here to be a teacher. I want to help them master their craft, get contracts and build trust. We spend alot of time together, it’s important that we have trust and good rapport.

What are your personal goals from here? How can you feel more fulfilled?

My goal is to be the best Wide Receiver Coach in the NFL. I am 2 positions away from the possibility of being a Head Coach. There are 32 Head Coaches in the NFL, and there’s 8 billion people in the world. Although I don’t feel like I’ve fully arrived yet, I know I have a lot to prove every day to stay where I am, let alone advance in this industry, but I’m up for the challenge!

What is real success to you?

Serving others. This is still a work in progress for me. It can be hard to keep this at the forefront of your mind when you’re in a market this competitive, but it really is bigger then us. It’s important to be a team player outside of the focus being on service of self.

*If this resonates, please feel free to share!**

If you’re interested in scheduling a complimentary call with Amanda about Life Coaching sessions, visit www.crisisaverted.org

Just Today

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Brighton Collage 4-2019

My mom had me at the age of 50, she thought she was going through menopause and went to the doctor, only to find out she was pregnant…with number 6 of the bunch. She cried the whole way home, and then I came along!

Welcome to the life of Bryan Brighton, a PEM High School English teacher, husband, and father of 3. Little did I know in the 10th grade, that this man, would be one of the primary reasons behind my love to write. It was not hard to enjoy his class and his enthusiasm for it. From jumping on desks to explain that there is in fact, no difference between 1 exclamation mark and 5 (who knew?), to reading “To Kill a Mockingbird”, there was a comedic seriousness when entering his room. A second descendant from England immigrants, and a man with great stories and insight, I hope you enjoy!

What was your biggest struggle in High School?

My dad passed away at the age of 59 from a heart attack. I was 13 years old. After that, I had this overwhelming fear of abandonment. I never wanted to be left behind or miss out. If my friends were meeting at 7 pm, I would show up at 6:30 just to make sure they didn’t leave without me. And it wasn’t just with particular people, it was with anyone. Being left behind wasn’t an option.

What has been the biggest life changing event for you? In what ways has it changed the way you live your life?

Going to the doctor at my lowest point, forever changed my life, as well as the ways in which I was thinking and living. After my mom passed, my depression intensified. Alot. Walking into that office came with it this instantaneous moment of release and relief. I just sat and cried, and talked. It literally saved my life. By making this decision, it opened up an entire new conversation surrounding mental health about our family history that I was unaware of.

It was amazing what surfaced once the dialogue began. I reached out to my siblings and just told them what was going on, and suggested that if they had any of these symptoms, they were worth getting checked out. Through talking, we realized there were similarities amongst us that we’ve shared and it’s also created dialogue with our children.

Another life changer, was after getting a medication change. I had maxed out on my current med, and needed to up my dose, which consisted of bringing in another medication, Wellbutrin. This was the first time in my life that the thought process of ‘if I don’t wake up tomorrow, it will be ok’, stopped. For as long as I can remember, I had this thought process daily. When at my lowest, it worsened. Even while on Celexa, I would still have these thoughts. I didn’t even realize how content I was thinking this, or that it wasn’t normal to think.

What was depression for you?

You’ll hear people say ‘those were the dark years’, but you never really understand what they mean. Until you look back at old pictures and see yourself, as if there’s this invisible weight you were carrying, and you think, oh, yep, now I get it. Those were my ‘dark years.’

Depression for me, was total and complete exhaustion, while also not sleeping at night. I’ve always struggled with not sleeping, another thing I just thought was normal. When overly tired, depression rages on my internal monologue. It will ramp up and escalate quickly. What may begin as ‘don’t forget to buy bread’, can quickly become repetitive, followed by screaming in my head, drowning out other thoughts.

My career was always the divider though. Whether in the Marines or teaching, when I entered that zone of structure, I was in my element. I knew what was coming, how to perform and was still able to be my goofy self. No one in that environment would have guessed I was struggling. But once I hit my front door, the only thing I wanted was my bed. It is exhausting to be so exhausted. My family didn’t get the best of me, instead, they got too tired, cranky me, and that wasn’t fair.

Depression for me, was flirting with the idea of yanking the steering wheel just enough to the left as a semi was approaching in oncoming traffic to end it all, more often than I care to admit.

What’s the biggest lie you’ve been told?

Before I got married, everyone always told me to enjoy being single while I could, because once you get married, it’s going to be hard work. Everyone said it takes so much to make the relationship work and stay together. I’ve been married for 25 years, and it’s the easiest thing I’ve done, and it’s been anything but work. Of course, there are things we don’t agree on, and we have to talk through it, but I don’t know that we’ve ever yelled at each other, or even hit a point of such intensity.

People will tell you ‘never quit, never give up’. And that is true in certain things. I do believe that if you start a season, project or make a commitment, you should finish it. But I also believe there are certain points in life, where you have to be okay with letting something, or someone, go.

The career tests are liars. They will tell you, if you take this test, we’ll be able to tell you what you’ll be when you grow up. I was supposed to be a Forest Ranger. So…yeah….gotta go with a lie on that one.

What comes to mind when you think about the most difficult choice, or thing you’ve had to do in your life?

Hanging in there when the only reason not to is disappointing others. Prior to getting help there were so many deep holes and so many easy ways out. You’re so tired …. all the time and just getting up every morning is like …ugghhhh. When you have little kids, a spouse, Moms and all these people that you couldn’t bear the thought of putting through the sadness, the questions, the years and lifetimes of wondering ‘what if you just keep on keeping on’? You always remember, I just have to do it today.

Feel free to share, if this story resonates with you!

Despite where we’re at in life, we can all use additional support. Let’s connect! For a complimentary phone call, visit http://www.crisisaverted.org to schedule!

A Million Pieces

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Ron Collage Final

“I am Ron James Anderson, I’m an alcoholic. I’m a broken mess, shattered into a million pieces, in ways I didn’t even know possible.” This was me, approximately 2 years ago upon entering my last round of inpatient treatment. This is the beginning of an end to a very long journey.

There are parts of this story that resonate deeply, others many have been fortunate enough not to endure. Despite the road an individual has walked, there is at least one part of Ron’s story that will strike a chord. From childhood to current day, all of our paths have intertwined in story at some point. Whether a certain feeling, memory or experience, each of us can relate to another’s journey. This story comes with so many dynamics, and condensing it was not easy, because there’s so many important and valuable points.

At the end of the day, it’s another reminder, that we are not what we were, but the potential of what we can be, despite our past. When we’re able to identify old patterns, release them, forgive ourselves and others, we can be free from the ties that bound us to a belief that made us think we could never be more.

Thank you, Ron. Thank you for being willing to share your amazing story. It isn’t easy, to go back and relive parts of yourself. But, man, what a wonderful reminder of how far you’ve come! A reminder of what got you here, to this exact moment in your life. A reminder of how sometimes, the lessons take more then once to learn, but they always serve their purpose. That no one walks this world without a purpose, even if it is in the midst of addiction/alcoholism. Thank you for reminding us that sometimes, it is just taking it a day at a time, minute by minute, hour by hour. That we’re all a work in progress, just trying to be better then we were the day before. You are another testament that this thing called life, truly is a journey.

Paint a picture of your childhood and background.

I wasn’t raised in your average home. I lived with my mom, my dad showing up intermittently to wish me a happy birthday, on days that weren’t my birthday, or to crash in my mom’s car after a binger. Born and raised in the Twin Cities area, my mom was a functioning alcoholic and avid pot smoker/user, who worked 3 jobs to try and keep us afloat financially. My house was a free-for-all. There was no stability, discipline or guidance. As men came and went, I learned quickly not to grow too close to my mom’s current boyfriend, because although I craved male attention and interaction, they most likely wouldn’t be around long. I learned a woman’s psyche and it became an easy manipulation tactic as time went on. At the age of 10, after my mom fell down a flight of stairs, breaking both of her ankles, I was pulled from school to care for her. This included feeding, bathing and changing her, making sure her meds were taken when needed and her basic needs were met. Not the average responsibilities for a 10-year-old. Growing up quick was apart of it. During my mid-teens we lived in between 2 stable households, this gave me a glimpse of what a functioning home consisted of. These houses provided a sense of normalcy, safety and security I craved and gravitated towards.

Can you give us a timeline of what your addiction looked like?

My first interaction with a substance is at the age of 15, in my buddy’s backyard. We had a couple of 40’s and tokes of weed. This quickly spirals into recreational use of cocaine and meth, but primarily pot. I’m selling small amounts of weed to be able to smoke for free, skipping school more often then not, and although I attend 12 years of school, I don’t have the necessary credits to graduate. It doesn’t take long to learn that cocaine is a rich man’s drug, as the highs fade quickly for the price. From age 19-23, I’m a functioning meth addict, who sells on the side, while holding my 9-5 job in construction. Although my relationship is mentally and emotionally abusive, I stay, as the idea of stability feels good. For the first time in my life I don’t have to wear hand-me-downs, I’m able to support myself and have financial freedom. As with anything, we start to get greedy, and test our boundaries making rubber checks. And as with everything, it only last so long. I’m 24 with 3 felony charges of check forgery.

25 kicks off with a bang when I become a witness to a murder. I heard things I shouldn’t have, and although many would say I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, it serves as an awakening for me. I quickly switch gears. I leave my toxic relationship, get a new number, beg to come back home and attend my first 28 day outpatient treatment, and consistently attend CMA (crystal meth anonymous) meetings. I switch to the bottle (still a better choice then the previous) and meet my soon-to-be-wife, and within a year, I’m a dad to a handsome and healthy baby boy, Evan! My deceitful ways are straining our on again, off again relationship. I love being a dad, and at the forefront of my mind, I know I don’t want to be anything like my own. I continue drinking a 6-pack every night, enough to keep me even keeled, still an improvement from previous life choices, but still a substance to numb.

Fast forward to age 31-32, this is big for me. I give inpatient a try and head to the Rochester area for a change in scenery, but my promiscuous behavior gets me kicked out of a halfway house. Which lands me homeless and sleeping in the Dorothy Day house for awhile. I’m diagnosed and medicated as a bipolar. I live in sober housing for 3 years while getting my GED, Associates degree in Criminal Justice and get shot down on pursuing my Bachelors in Social Work when my past comes back to haunt to me. Although sober, very little about my behavior changes, I’m still lying, being deceitful, not taking responsibility for my actions, or how it impacts others. I’m always trying to push boundaries to see how much I can get away with. I’m an attention seeker, whether negative or positive, always seeking the validation. I go back to the bottle for another 5 years, recreationally drinking and using. In this time frame I have my beautiful and healthy daughter, Stella, and begin a relationship with a woman with whom I will spend the next 4 years in an on again, off again relationship. I’m a present parent throughout my highs and lows in the form of physically showing up to exercise my parental rights. However, I’m not actively, mentally or emotionally engaged with them. Although they’ve never seen me drunk or high, I’m not the dad I’m capable of being because I’m consumed by my alcoholism. This is roughly how my life went. Each time improving, but never gone. Even while sober, I shift focus from one addiction to the next. From drugs and booze to sex and work. I was still numbing and would continue to do so. Sometimes it takes drastic measures to produce drastic results. All signs are leading me in a new direction, I just can’t see it….yet.

What was your addiction of choice and what did you feel while using them?

In my 20’s I prefer cocaine and meth because it makes me feel accomplished. It’s an easy way of staying motivated, I’m always driven to do keep going and do more, to achieve more. Of course, I wasn’t actually achieving more, in fact I’m most likely counterproductive, but it makes me believe otherwise.

As I transition out of the hard substances and into alcohol, it’s an easy escape mechanism. Aside from it being socially acceptable, I’m able to stuff, numb and mask what I’m actually feeling inside. It feels good to take a swig and wash away the pain with every sip.

Can you recall some personal lows? What did this look and feel like?

Being diagnosed a bi-polar in my early 30’s, although not surprised by this diagnosis, I’m more aware of these extreme bouts of depression, followed by manic states. During depressive episodes I’m overwhelmed by guilt and shame, primarily concerning my infidelity to my partner, and during mania, it’s just non-stop go, go, go! I’m a thrill seeker that craves constant excitement to spike that dopamine! Of course the substances only intensify these extreme states. When I’m off my meds and drink, my behavior intensifies, and if on my meds and drinking, I black out. Neither of which are pretty. I have 3 suicide attempts, 2 in which I had the intention of following through, 1 in which I reached out.

The rock bottom of rock bottoms is on Jan 31st, 2016, when my sister, Hannah, commits suicide at the age of 21. Hannah was not just a little sister to me, she was one of my best friends. The bond we shared was special. We connected in so many ways, and she lived with us for a brief time, forming an amazing bond with my son. I wanted so badly to take her out of a toxic home environment. She was beautiful inside and out and I always wanted more for her. She’s a brand new mom, who had just started a new position and was in an unhealthy relationship, which was causing her great stress, on top of some unnoticed post-partum and already existing bouts with depression, the weight of the world is too heavy for her to carry and she chooses to end her life on top of a 78’ bridge.

This day forever changes me. The overwhelming amount of pain that this inflicts on those left behind, is something I hope no one knows. The grief begins the moment I see her body at the viewing and it doesn’t stop until almost 2 years later. This is a side of me I didn’t know existed. No one had ever seen it, including myself. My numbing intensifies to an all time high, going on 4 day benders, plenty of days never wanting to be found, while others are spent toying with the thought of death myself. Rage and anger reared its ugly head that night, and never stopped. There was a dark side of me that was born that day, my alter ego, who I like to call, “Jon Rames”. I’ve never been known to be a hot-headed individual, looking to engage in altercations, in fact, just the opposite, I’ve always been a lover. Until Hannah’s death. From then on, nothing matters anymore. The speed on my bike, the amount of booze or drugs, the fights, the damage, the respect towards another human being or property, all out the window. I spiral so fast. Even though I know I’m spiraling, I don’t care. The pain is so deep, and numbing is all I can do at this point. This is the lowest of lows for me.

2016 began with death, and ended with death. December 12, my father passes unexpectedly. Although he lived life in sobriety for approximately 12 years, he relapsed when I was 27. This was a rapid downward spiral for him, which included homelessness, running from the law, as well as doing prison time once running wasn’t an option. He quickly slipped back into old habits once he fell off the wagon. Although his death is not a huge surprise due to his lifestyle, I’m too numb from Hannah’s death at this point to feel any type of emotion about it. It’s still adding fuel to the fire of chemical abuse. I’m not able to process his death until I enter treatment in April of 2017. Only then, am I able to release the years worth of resentment I had been harboring towards him.

Were you masking or hiding from something that sat below the addiction and addictive tendencies?

Absolutely. During my teens it’s attempting to deal with, or perhaps process, my childhood and various things that went on that I didn’t understand. There were many things about it that played a large part in avoidance and numbing, such as trust issues with my mom, abandonment issues with my dad, attachment issues with males in general and lack of structure and boundaries, or understanding consequences to my decisions.

As time goes on, there becomes this thirst for validation, constantly wanting to be needed or wanted, especially by women. I like the idea of having power over people and being respected, even if it was in this community. I love the thrill of the chase and constantly being challenged in any area of my life. Which can be an amazing asset, when used in the right capacity. I don’t shy away from anything, I’m hungry to learn more and continually test my personal capacity and better myself. It’s just a matter of driving these traits in the right direction, and being aware of myself if these old tendencies start to surface.

What are some major turning points in your life?

As I’m being cross examined during the murder trial, things start to go black and the sound of the courtroom turns to static. It only lasts for a few moments, but it’s as if I’m having an out-of-body experience. I look around and realize that this could have been my life. I could have wound up dead, or on trial, facing prison. This moment is complete validation that leaving this life behind, was in fact the right choice. Although my story surrounding addiction is far from over, I know with 100% certainty that I will never go back to the world of selling drugs.

Hannah’s death is without a doubt a turning point, even though I can’t see the plus side of it, while I’m living it. It’s a downward spiral and fast pass to rock bottom, but it isn’t a dead end, despite that thought process many times. This drives my addiction to depths I was unaware of, but in the same token, forces me into recovery to truly face my pain around the grief of her death, as well as the layers that sat deep beneath it.

In April 2017, I meet Pastor Pete, while in California at Luminance Treatment Facility. He plays a pivotal role in my recovery, as well as processing my grief. Him and I clicked the minute we met. He was in a high profile outlaw biker club, and ended up in prison for roughly 10 years. He found God during that time and became an ordained minister, and started his own church that focuses on recovery, which works with Luminance. He saw something in me that I couldn’t see in myself. He did many things to help aid my recovery, one was allowing me to release Hannah’s ashes at a beautiful location and put my grief to rest. He held space for me like few have ever done. And for that, I am forever grateful.

(T/L) Myself & Pastor Pete (B/R) Releasing Hannah’s ashes in California

October 22, 2017 was the turning point. I started dabbling again, relapsing intermittently, but feeling as though I had it under control. It was one of the last beautiful weekends of fall, when my roommate and I decide we’d take the bike for one last ride. I passed a vehicle illegally and high sided a curb, causing my back tire to catch gravel. I was ejected from the bike, and non-responsive. After 3 days unconscious in a hospital bed, I wake up remembering little, but feeling a tremendous amount of guilt, knowing I was responsible for someone else’s life and how very differently this outcome could have been. After 6 weeks of bed rest, you have a lot of time to reflect. I remember thinking “that is never happening again”. This time, I know I’m done. With all of it. Time to face my own shit. Time to get sober, and stay there. A journal entry from my 1 year sobriety, sums this up. “”Not a single person can take that moment from me, it was truly a life changing event in every way. I’m blessed and grateful to be alive, and to feel life….good and bad, in a healthy way, without drowning myself into the bottle”.

What have been, or remain to be, the biggest challenges of sobriety for you?

I’m struggling to learn what balance looks like, while maintaining an identity of self. Choosing this path, means changing everything I’ve ever known. I’ve had to downsize my friend group from the size of Texas, to that of a cheerio. With that, comes finding new hobbies and ways to fill my time. I’m a naturally born go-getter, so getting bored quickly is easy. It’s a struggle to stay in the here and now, without reliving the past, or jumping to the future, especially when this road looks so different then anything I’ve walked before, there’s so many unknowns.

I used to live my life with a motto of “life isn’t worth living unless you’re living it on the edge”. Since sobriety, I’m placing more value in being a better father, in all its forms. Keeping at the forefront of my mind, that no matter how hard life gets, I will value life anyways, and I don’t need to seek out risk in order to enjoy it.

For the first time I can look at my bank account and see tangible results from saving, this allows me financial freedom in a new way, which continually empowers me to keep going. Sobriety requires deep, internal evaluation of self. Questioning why I do the things I do, and choosing to change old habits for the better. I want to be a living, walking testimonial to others, that life can be different, if we so choose. That addiction/alcoholism is not the end result, it is merely a chapter. One that can teach us our own worth, self-discipline and strength.

A journal entry while in Luminance Treatment Center “Getting sober is showing everyone you’re better then what you were and you’ve earned the right to hold your head high with pride in the person you’ve worked so hard to become today. I’m changing my life for the better every day, and no one can take that away from me, except me”.

“I am Ron James Anderson, I am a combination of my mistakes but more importantly, all of my lessons. I am committed to recovery and focusing on changing what’s inside of me, instead of changing the world around me. I know the highs and lows of addiction and loss, but today is a thousand times better then it ever has been. The more I lean on my sobriety and embrace who I am, the easier every day becomes as I walk this road of recovery”.

**If this story resonates with you or someone you know, please feel free click the “share” button below!**

Despite where we’re at in life, we can all use additional support, visit www.crisisaverted.org for a complimentary phone call to learn more!

For more stories surrounding addiction, check out Josh and Jodi‘s stories!

About That Wall…

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bkk slums 5

During our time in Thailand, we were primarily based in Bangkok. I wanted my then, 12 year-old daughter see each end of the spectrum. I wanted her to get a glimpse of an International school, with elite education and see what a small and safe environment of learning can look like, while also getting a glimpse of poverty at its worst. This brief opportunity gave us an amazing, and also very harsh awakening into the truths of poverty and violence. As per the norm, while I’m wanting her to learn about these topics, I myself end up getting just as much, if not more, of an education! In Bangkok, the “lowest of the lows”, are the slums. The slums grew at a rapid rate after the Bangkok pig slaughterhouse was shut down. (Highly recommend the quick, easy and eye opening read, “Welcome to the Bangkok Slaughterhouse “) This was their main source of income and it employed many, maintaining a large lower to middle class and kept thousands from experiencing the true depths of poverty. When the slaughter house was closed, is where poverty grew at a substantial rate. Just to compare, this would be similar to Mayo Clinic, Rochester, being relocated or shut down. 40,000 people unemployed, immediately. Half of the state, plus thousands more, would feel the immediate affects of this. We seen this with GM in Flint, Michigan. The average household income in Flint used to be 80k. We all know this is far from the case now, as similar to Bangkok, clean running water is not a luxury. The BKK slums, consists of 2-300,000 people living under the bridge alone, along with “slum” type housing, which is where on average, 2-10 people could be sleeping in the same small shack or room, (when I say “room”, I mean half the size of an average American bedroom) with communal showers and cooking spaces.

We had the opportunity to spend a couple of days volunteering at a slum daycare/pre-kinder care. This place was simply a safe haven from 7:30-3:30 each day for kids, infant to 3 years old, to come and learn, have clean diapers, sanitary conditions, sing, dance and have nutritious meals. Most of these children were found alone in their shacks, while their parents attempted to provide during the day. Daycare isn’t exactly a luxury and working in the slums can consist of running street food carts, selling street goods (flowers, knick knacks etc), or running drugs. Anything to attempt to make a baht (their currency) or 2, anything to simply stay alive and survive another day, to some, that survival means another hit, to some it means food for their children. None of these “jobs” call for children being on the job (as we can relate). So this place provides an opportunity for kids to be safe and interact, play and learns with others.

Why do they keep reproducing you ask? Good question. When your average drop out rate in the public school system is 2nd grade, it’s safe to say basic sex education or access to contraceptives/protection probably isn’t top priority, or as obvious as one would think!

This is something I wrote while over there, that sums it up perfectly….

“I don’t care what anyone says about immigrants or refugees – and I’m not denying the fact that we have plenty of this in our own country – at the end of the day, it’s all the same song and dance – a nonstop driving force between the wealthy and poor, with next to no true, interactive help from the governments. But seriously, before you spout at the mouth – I first dare you to come to these places and see these conditions before you ever judge these people for wanting something better. We want better for our kids all the time! These are babies, innocent children added to conditions they didn’t ask for, on behalf of circumstances many of their parents didn’t ask for. It is so heartbreaking to see such despair, to think of a girl wanting to graduate as her mom has been saving 300 baht ($9 American money, we spend this daily on lattes and happy hour) to graduate, for something she worked so hard for in the hopes to better to herself, only to have it stolen from her – when we buy our kids clothes and electronics that could HOUSE these families for that money! It is not a matter of circumstance or choice, this is poverty! It breeds itself just like the wealthy breeds itself – both ignorant – just in different ways.
In the same breath – it’s so heartwarming to see what they’re doing – which is simply just trying – a little at a time to make it better, even if just for awhile. Even if these kids end up on the same path as their parents, to just be able to experience the basics – to know love, to feel a hug, to hear a compliment, to taste a meal just for a moment in time – then that has to mean something….”
This is so needed right now in a wealthy, divided country, to better understand what poverty looks like. I’m so confused how in one minute people are praising or posting that “God is great” and in the next sentence or post, we’re saying build a wall? How are these not contradictory?! We’re either in a state of division or unity, and it’s hard to be christian like, when we’re only choosing to be towards our own. I’m certainly not much a bible banger, but last I checked, that wasn’t the word of the Lord. (correct me if I’m wrong and missed that verse) I simply cannot condone shunning another, especially a parent for wanting their child to simply know what the basics of a meal, clothing, shelter and love feels like. I will never condone standing at the borders tear gassing another race that are simply seeking safety. They aren’t there with weapons, wanting to wage war, they are seeking help. We would never stand for this to happen to our own children, and yet we have no problem allowing our egos to say we can’t afford it, or they aren’t worthy, or too damn bad, go back to your own country. I know there are many sides to this debate, and I’m fully aware there is far more that goes into this then just simply letting people walk across the border, but the primary reasoning for this entry, is topics like the Hondurian Caravan, along with many, many others who have endured similar situations and asked for help. I cry watching us treat other humans, especially mothers, fathers and children with such hate and dehumanization. While we sit back on our screens, high and mighty and say build a wall?!
So, I ask, that while many are promoting this wall, or as you scuff at the site of a 3 year old getting tear gassed or a mother trying to do whatever necessary to save her child, on the off chance that they survive and are given an opportunity for something better, that you think of your own. Simply allow yourself to go to a place of despair, of complete loss and hopelessness. Allow yourself to imagine the thought of sending your 7 year old to school, with the constant concern of the drug cartel walking in and hand picking them at random. Selling the girls to the sex trafficking and training the boys to be a “soldier”. Now imagine, being a teacher in those schools, attempting to protect these innocent children, only to be shot at point blank when resisting. Imagine being a parent who is told your child has been taken and there is no opportunity to save them. Knowing they’ll be forced to feed a horrific cause, drugged, sold, raped and taught to kill. And then tell me you wouldn’t do the same for your family and children if you were forced into these conditions. Build the wall, don’t build the wall, side Democratic or Republican, Pro-Trump, anti-Trump, I really don’t care, but choose to see these situations simply as a human being, nothing more. Not as an American, as white, black, middle-class or upper-class or inferior, superior, but simply beyond money or greed. I don’t care what news station covered what story or what half truth they’re each telling, this is basic human compassion for another in hard times. When you drop the labels around another person, you see it’s just a person in need. We have all been in these positions and been fortunate enough to have those around us to help us, that weren’t all drowning at the same time. I’m not asking for anyone to change their political views or to provide a platform for further fighting, hate and division, I just want you to look at your kids, your parents, your siblings, families and neighbors and picture yourself in a reverse situation, would you still want a wall then?
bkk house of praise kids cropped

#WOTY

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Blog - WOY 2019

Ever made a New Years Resolution, only to get to February and either forget about it, or mentally give it the middle finger? #storyofmylife We’re so jacked this time of year, (post sugar coma) to get back on “the wagon”(you know, the same one we fell off last year! 😉 I don’t know about the rest of you, but I was primarily trained to make resolutions around weight loss. But there’s so much more to us then just this!

I walked into 2018 with the intention of saying “yes” to every new opportunity that arose, especially the ones that made me uncomfortable. This forced me outside of my comfort zone and crossing paths with some pretty amazing individuals and causes. Upon turning 34, I took on choosing a “word of the year”, which for me, was “TRANSFORMATION”. I started asking where in my life I could transform more and what underlying layers I needed to work through in order for me to do so.

Do you ever throw something out and then get totally side barred by the ways in which it happens? Yeah, that was me. What I had pictured in my head for positive transformation couldn’t have been further from how it actually shook out! So many lessons.

I’m just going to be honest, 2018 was an ass kicker of years. I’ve had a few of them over the past decade, all for different reasons, and this year was another one. I’d be lying if I said I was sad to watch it go. ✌ 2018 taught me that it isn’t about what I think it should be, it simply will be, whatever it needs to be. Fiiine, lets be real, this is an every year lesson, but this year roared really loud, especially in the physical realm. It taught me that without my mental and physical health, life can be debilitating. I spent most of the year attempting to recover from the Epstein Barre Virus,(which is mono that lies dormant in the body, often affecting the liver, spleen and thyroid). When it reactivates, it’s  worse then mono and took months longer to recover from. I lost alot of hair and had to come to terms with not being able to dye it, while learning to only style it certain ways to avoid patches showing. I’m fully aware that in the grand scheme of life, this is petty, really petty actually.  But honestly, a woman’s hair is a big part of them and for me, it’s really big, despite how petty! I had to sleep when I needed too, because I couldn’t function if I didn’t. I had to learn to have patience with myself as I slept most days away. I’m still learning that just because I can do more, doesn’t mean I don’t need recovery time. I had to be OK with the weight gain, because I was too exhausted to do anything else.

I had to learn to calm my mind that many days, seemed impossible to control. It was an entirely different episode of mental warfare then I’d ever experienced prior. This time, was the first time in 11 years, of having to learn to understand what mental illness consisted of, without being medicated or having that option to numb it. Mind you, never have I felt more insane, but I was able to evaluate myself more objectively because of it. I had to learn to have faith in what felt like a painfully slow process. That also meant faith in the healer that was treating me, even if progress wasn’t being made at the speed I wanted it too. I had to learn that if I’m not in a good place, it’s hard for me to support my clients. After all, if your tank is running off of empty, how can you replenish anothers. I’m good for trying to push to bone dry and then spending twice as long trying to recover. I think most are trained to operate this way, especially women.

I learned alot about getting into business and what it takes to maintain. That for as much as it may make sense to go back into the corporate work force full-time, it isn’t for me. Even if that means taking the long way around, it doesn’t speak to my soul.

I was reminded that I’ve always believed in mental health being affordable and that everyone deserves to have it. Which meant me reevaluating my business structure and being committed to the cause more then the money. And in the same breath, being OK with charging for services. They are more then worthy of it and honestly, a necessity in everyone’s life. Everyone needs someone to hold them accountable and guide them through life with an outside perspective, myself included. It’s personal investment and I don’t have to feel bad about others not understanding it. I was also forced to recognize how much of my “why” is still based off of guilt around Josie’s suicide. This is super frustrating to me, because I’ve worked so hard to rid myself of that weight. But I’m reminded of the residue that seems to stick like tephlon! Either way, to be 100% honest, it’s down right annoying that this is still coming up! Perhaps its just a component of suicide I need to accept, or just another layer to recognize and continue to trudge forward, as time will tell. #tobecontinued

As I move into another year, while reflecting on the last, I’ve thought long and hard about a word I want to take into this new year. And I’ve decided, my “word of the year” is going to be TRUST. I want to walk into this year trusting in the process, that everything is exactly as it should be. That I may be better about trusting others without judgement, or putting walls up so quickly, but also questioning my trust in some and where their intentions lie. That I may trust in something larger then myself, even if I can’t see it right away, remembering that nothing happens without reason, and it all serves its purpose.

Now that 2019 is upon us, I urge all of you to find your “word”. Something that will sit at the forefront of your mind. Something you want to personally improve on. Share it with others so they can hold you accountable and remind you what it is you chose to work on, or through over the next 365 days. Be mindful that it may not show up how you expected, but the results will yield better because of it! And please, feel free to share here as well, giving others ideas of words and let us know your intention around your choice.

May 2019 be one of light, love, healing and resilience. May you know more joy then sorrow, feel more love then hate, be more kind then cruel, choose to be the light through the darkness and choose positivity over negativity. Always remember, you are amazing, your life matters, and nothing is permanent.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Please share to help others kick off their 2019 with a positive #wordoftheyear

If you’d like to schedule a free phone consult, please contact me at http://www.crisisaverted.org