reality

2019 The Year of Trust

/ Revolution.07 / 2 Comments

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I walked into 2019 with my “Word of the Year” being trust. I knew I needed to learn to trust in the process, trust in my discernment of others, while also trusting in something larger then myself.
As with the beginning of every year, I went into it with enthusiasm and excitement, finding myself being conscious of things happening around me, and saying yes to new opportunities with complete trust that all will work out as it should. As the year progressed, that excitement faded and I found myself getting lost in the daily chaos and giving into things I knew felt off, ignoring the fact that trust was what I needed to be focusing on.
As the year came to a close, trust began making itself apparent again as many things were happening around me in which I was feeding fear more then trust, far more fearful of the outcome, with less faith in the lesson. With reflection, I realized the biggest lesson that was being taught, was the most important, and that was to trust myself, my decisions, and my internal guidance system.

Thank you 2019, trust, and all with whom I’ve crossed paths with, you have taught me so much about the world at large, those surrounding me, and most importantly, myself.

The Year of Trust has taught me….

That behind every face is a story, and each story has a multitude of chapters.
That chapters are often more complicated than they may appear, and with them comes a lot of layers and depth.
That the lyrics of a song can put our emotions into words for us, and there’s always another one to be written, striking a new chord.
That humility looks alot like getting knocked down, and resilience looks alot like continually standing back up.
That you can feel utter and complete loneliness being in the midst of many, and connection can feel safe amongst the company of few.
That the masks we wear are just wounds waiting to be bandaged and healed, but you can’t bandage something without first acknowledging it needs attention.
That just because every ocean makes waves, doesn’t mean it didn’t start with a ripple.
That while all of the human emotions are important in serving a purpose, belly laughter is an absolute necessity in daily life in order to keep your sanity and wits about you.
That every outward judgement of another, originated with our own internal critical voice towards ourselves.
That every problem has a solution, assuming you’re willing to find it, with acceptance that it may be different than you had originally envisioned.
That oftentimes relationships look less like fairytale endings, and more like hard working, beautiful chaos.
That trust requires a level of being comfortable with not knowing, and not knowing demands a lot of letting go.
That the behind-the-scenes is often different then what’s playing on the stage. And the mistakes are your opportunity to improve moving forward.
That the days of dress rehearsal are nearing an end, and showing up and moving forward is about to become mandatory for all.
That while strength is an attribute to aspire too, it requires weakness to obtain, and with weakness comes vulnerability.
That the idea of responsibility is more than just paying the bills, and holding a job. It is observing your thoughts, emotions and behavior and most importantly, owning and changing them when necessary.
That everyone’s lens and perception of the world is so very different. And the only way to understand the complex layers, is to take the time and willingness to explore them.
That support looks different for everyone, and sometimes you have to ask…both for it, as well as how to be it.
That often times imprisonment is generated by that of the human mind, and obtaining freedom, looks a lot like self reflection, hard work and discipline. However, the benefits always outweigh the drawbacks.
That our outside world often represents the state of our inside world. You will see both order and chaos cycling.

That it’s easier to swim down river then it is up, and when we’re going upstream, we’re in resistance to what is in front of us.
That in order to evolve, we must be willing to enter new territory and that anyone has the capacity to do so, given they are open and ready to try.
That over your lifetime the compilation of small things will always be the big things, and authentic support and encouragement are something the world at large is in desperate need of.
That there is no escaping balance. Everything and everyone has light and dark, positive and negative, yin and yang. You can’t have one without the other and you have to be OK with both sides of the coin.
That life is a dance, it requires stumbling, sidestepping, backward and forward motion from beginning to end.
That truly moving forward often requires forgiveness. And forgiveness of self is the hardest apology to accept.
That it’s important to remember that life can always be worse, there is a lot to be grateful for, attempt to see even the worst days through a lens of gratitude.
However, it’s also OK to acknowledge that a struggle is a struggle, and pretending the armour isn’t heavy, only makes the weight feel more unbearable.
That faith looks different to everyone, maybe it’s less about the details and more about the importance of simply believing in something larger than ourselves.
That we need to get back to the basics in life, there’s beauty in choosing to simplify instead of complicate.
That every sunset is followed by a sunrise, even if it takes awhile to see the light.
That we’re all just doing our best, even on days it feels like anything but.
That with each passing second, minute and hour, follows another, day, week, month and year. And with those comes the opportunity of a clean slate, waiting for us to create a new story, write new chapters and sing new lyrics.
As we enter not only into a new year, but a new decade, the phrase that resonates is ‘letting go’. Letting go of linear and small minded thinking, of toxicity in its various forms. Letting go of control, the need to be right, self hate, self doubt and self judgement and learning to silence that nasty little, but loud and critical voice within. Letting go of unresolved internal chaos, and people that aren’t encouraging growth and evolution; both in themselves and others. Letting go of pent up emotion and unspoken words, both positively and negatively charged. Letting go of the need to please everyone around me in order to feel validated, while also letting go of the constant need to resist and rebel, they say there’s a sweet balance between the two…I’ll let you know when I figure it out 😉
As with everything there is a counterpart, with releasing comes embracing. I look forward to embracing new opportunities, people and places. Embracing more authentic conversations amongst a plethora of people, continually learning and adapting, being open to whatever is put before me, knowing it is for my evolution. Embracing uncertainty through the lessons, while remembering that I too, am only human….for as easy as it is to allow the words to flow through my fingertips, it doesn’t come without the realization and harsh reality that putting it all into action is the hardest part.
May you let go while embracing as we enter into this exciting new time. Thank you all for your love and support in the many ways in which you have provided it, Happy 2020!

*If this resonates, please feel free to share!**

**Change is hard, if you’re looking for additional support, book a complimentary call at http://www.crisisaverted.org **

Connecting the Dots

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Lamb Colloage Final

If I told you that every experience is molding you for something bigger, something more, would you believe me? As you age, you have the luxury of looking back over your experiences, the old adage about “hindsight”. You can connect the dots backward and see how one thing flows into another. You can see the interconnection of all things as time unravels the answers to the questions you thought you’d never get. Kevin Lamb’s story so beautifully illustrates how life’s experiences really do happen for a reason. The things God puts in front of us, are molding us for something bigger, oftentimes, to connect with others.

Getting started, tell us about your parents.

I came from parents that stood at opposite ends of the spectrum. My father, a doctor, was an introvert, and workaholic, with an intense passion for medicine and money. My mother came from a strong family background, the product of a farming family where everyone contributed in some way to the family.  After they divorced, my mother was working several jobs to provide for her family. She never let us see the difficulty in providing for her boys (myself and my two brothers), as we always had everything we needed and wanted. I learned how to sacrifice and really work from her example, how to survive and overcome difficult situations when the world seems stacked against you.

The divorce was hard on all of us.  My brothers and I moved to Minnesota from Colorado so we could have some male role models in my mom’s brothers.  I was eleven years old, and left my grade school friends in the middle of the school year. I was uncomfortable in the new community, like an outsider with kids who had all grown up together.  And I wasn’t sure what to think of my parents divorce, but I knew things would never be the same. At the time it was hard to see that my parents just loved us, and they were doing their best for us. As a kid, it’s hard to realize the importance and value of having a relationship with your parents. 

Over the years my relationship with each of my parents has grown, but it’s taken time, patience and understanding. My mom sacrificed so much for her family, first for my dad while he finished medical school and residency, then for us as she tried to be both mom and dad for her boys. After my brothers and I grew up and left home, she struggled with depression and alcoholism. Your kids give you such a sense of purpose, especially as a single parent. Her role as a mother was such an ingrained part of who she was that she struggled to find purpose outside of that identity. Between depression and alcohol, it’s been a really tough road…for everyone. And both are the reality for many households and families. It impacts everyone, and in different ways. She has worked relentlessly trying to get and stay sober, while also managing her depression, but the disease of alcoholism is strong, causing her to stumble at times in her recovery. This has impacted not only my siblings and me, but also our children. However, the admirable part is how she gets back up and tries again, fighting for her life and her relationships with her kids and grand kids. She is the strongest person I know.

What was your biggest struggle growing up?

 Although it may be hard for many to believe now, socialization and finding myself outside of being an athlete were my biggest struggles. It took me a long time to come out of my shell and to take social risks, to have fun without worrying that others were judging me.  With the divorce and move to a new state, I just really wasn’t sure of who I was outside the realm of athletic competition. I was shy and quiet, trying only to blend in when I wasn’t competing – totally different for who I am as a teacher and coach.

What is the greatest contrast from your upbringing to the way you parent your kids?

My biggest challenge is not constantly pushing my kids to be better and just accept them for doing their best. My frustration tends to come out in anger, and it’s hard to not take things personally. I have to take a step back and separate myself. To truly love our kids unconditionally can be one of our greatest challenges – to just accept them completely as they are, with all of their flaws, without trying to make them better all the time. 

When I was growing up, there was always room for improvement and there was always feedback to go along with it. To just accept that our kids are doing their best too, and they’ll figure it out in their own time, is something we all need to remind ourselves.

I try really hard to be emotionally, mentally and physically present for my kids. My mom had to work so hard to make ends meet, and my dad was really not a part of our lives. But, that’s driven me to do it differently, to be aware and present to what is going on as much as I can, both with my kids, as well as for other kids.

My wife, Stephanie, is my grounding element in everything I do, including co-parenting. She is the stability and consistency that not only I need, but our family and household needs. She loves me unconditionally, and that in and of itself ripples to our sons. I didn’t grow up in a home with parents who demonstrated that, and I am so grateful that we are able to give that to our boys, to show them what a functioning, solid and stable relationship looks like. 

Why did you choose the profession of being an English teacher? 

I was fortunate enough to not only be naturally gifted at sports but academics as well. I was able to float through with good grades without having to put in much effort, which later came to haunt me during my college years. It wasn’t until college that I was able to expand and grow, but with growth came the pain of learning how to put the work in academically. This was also my first introduction to getting to know myself outside of sports. My roommates were extremely smart, and it helped me to increase my effort and performance in my studies. I had to learn how to study and do my daily work, something I wasn’t accustomed to in high school. English came easy to me, and it’s something that everyone needs in their daily lives. They need to be able to effectively communicate, comprehend and read, and I knew that I could break this down into something that students may find easier to understand.

What is your biggest failure, that was also your greatest teacher?

Motivating through fear is rarely helpful, and focusing on the growth more than pointing out failures is much more effective. This can be hard to do in the day to day routines, but it’s easy to see how detrimental it is to a person either thriving or struggling. We can all be more supportive of each other. Encouragement and positivity go so far, and make constructive criticism so much easier to hear.

What is the lesson that took you the longest to learn?

True, faithful acceptance of God and myself. To truly believe that who I am is good enough for God, my wife, children, students, and community. Even though some have seen me at my worst, I am still worthy of the goodness and blessings in my life, despite my shortcomings. I am continually working towards acceptance of self, and recognizing we all have our good and bad days.  We don’t have to be at our best all the time in order to give our best effort. 

The other thing that has become more prevalent in the past couple of years is how to let go and grieve. I have found my purpose (aside from my family), through my students and athletes. Both my wife, Stephanie and I say that our strength comes from serving others. But with that has come the realization that I’ve deflected some of my own grief. I’ve come to understand the importance of putting on your own oxygen mask first, before supporting others. If you can’t breathe, you’re not being truly helpful to those you’re trying to support. I’m trying to be better about allowing myself that space and opportunity to feel the necessary emotions I need to as well, so that I can heal and perform at a high level.

Can you think of a time you were untrue to yourself?

A lot of adolescence is figuring out what being true to yourself means and what isn’t. You’re growing and finding yourself, influenced by others and not always sure how to think or act in a way that you know you should. I remember specifically treating a high school girlfriend really poorly. I was manipulative and downright mean to her. I didn’t like myself or the way I was acting when I was with her and realized that wasn’t who I wanted to be. 

What were major crossroads in your life?

I was in college, still an athlete, but coming to the realization that this wasn’t going to be the rest of my life. That is a tough bridge many athletes cross at some point. I had spent a lot of years on a field or wrestling mat, pushing myself to improve with a sense of tunnel-vision, only to realize it was only one portion of my life. It was time to take those lessons and apply them to the rest of my life. 

During this transition I felt such a loss of identity, it felt overwhelming and disheartening to think of myself outside of identifying as an athlete. When I realized I wanted to become a teacher and really have an opportunity to help kids, the adult me became more important than ball or being the athlete. I had a renewed sense of purpose. It was a big transitional period and one that led me down this path.

Have you struggled with mental illness?

I’m genetically predisposed to mental illness and personally struggle with depression. Looking back, I would say a vivid memory was my second year of college. I was coaching 9th-grade football and one of the students committed suicide, shortly after, my grandpa passed and my oldest brother moved out of state. I don’t think I got off the couch for at least 2 weeks. But it wasn’t until about a year ago that I got on medication for depression. Things didn’t get better after a time, and they weren’t “bad” for any particular reason. Things just started becoming increasingly grey and gloomy for an extended period. I couldn’t find happiness in things that I used to love, such as my family, hunting, fishing, or sports. 

Since being on medication, my overall outlook has improved. Little things don’t affect me as much, and I have more control over my emotions. I wake up almost every day with a positive outlook on what I will do and the impact I can make on the people around me. I am less irritable and much easier to be around (I hope), less demanding and more accepting of performance below my expectations. I still push my athletes and students to improve and hold them to high standards for performance, but it isn’t as big of an obstacle when I feel people are not reaching their potential. 

Why did you choose to be a coach?

Aside from the fact that I’ve always been a huge competitor, both coaches and teachers were instrumental father figures that served as primary role models for me. My mother’s family was great at letting us come along to hunt and fish, but I didn’t feel the same connection as when I was on the field or with teammates. I felt most comfortable and secure, connected and present being an athlete, because this was my family, outside of my relatives. 

My primary focus with coaching has been to create a safe environment where boys can be open, honest and vulnerable with each other. My overall goal in this position is an intentional, positive impact. It’s more than just football, a win or a loss, and it’s more than learning about yourself or how to improve, it’s learning about life as a whole. Whether learned in practice or in a game, the lessons on the field can be applied to life as well. I want them to see that and connect the dots so they can apply it down the road. 

We started this season with a short losing streak, and we have had our share of struggles the past few seasons: players out with injuries, and various struggles as a team.  It’s hard not to get stuck in that rut, myself included. I kept thinking if we could just get a win for a little boost in morale, it would really help! But we have to remember there’s always a lesson. There’s a large majority of outside circumstances in our lives, that we can’t control. You will give it your best, and sometimes, you’ll still come up short. Our job is to figure out how to be better, not bitter.  Growth doesn’t happen in times of comfort, and each obstacle can be seen as an opportunity to learn, improve, grow. As difficult as it is sometimes, it is important to see problems in a positive light because they ultimately help us more than success does in the long run.

The true test of character is when you’re in a slump. In life, you’re not always going to get the job, the girl/guy, the house or the raise. You will lose people close to you, you will have bad things happen, but you have to keep moving forward and learn from the last interview, relationship or financial struggle. What could have been done differently? What is there to be learned? And when you’re out of the slump, it becomes clear what was needed or why you needed it at that time, and how it helped you grow.

**We can all learn from others’ stories! Feel free to share if this resonates with you!**

**If you’re interested in scheduling a complimentary call with Amanda about Life Coaching sessions, visit www.crisisaverted.org **

Just Today

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Brighton Collage 4-2019

My mom had me at the age of 50, she thought she was going through menopause and went to the doctor, only to find out she was pregnant…with number 6 of the bunch. She cried the whole way home, and then I came along!

Welcome to the life of Bryan Brighton, a PEM High School English teacher, husband, and father of 3. Little did I know in the 10th grade, that this man, would be one of the primary reasons behind my love to write. It was not hard to enjoy his class and his enthusiasm for it. From jumping on desks to explain that there is in fact, no difference between 1 exclamation mark and 5 (who knew?), to reading “To Kill a Mockingbird”, there was a comedic seriousness when entering his room. A second descendant from England immigrants, and a man with great stories and insight, I hope you enjoy!

What was your biggest struggle in High School?

My dad passed away at the age of 59 from a heart attack. I was 13 years old. After that, I had this overwhelming fear of abandonment. I never wanted to be left behind or miss out. If my friends were meeting at 7 pm, I would show up at 6:30 just to make sure they didn’t leave without me. And it wasn’t just with particular people, it was with anyone. Being left behind wasn’t an option.

What has been the biggest life changing event for you? In what ways has it changed the way you live your life?

Going to the doctor at my lowest point, forever changed my life, as well as the ways in which I was thinking and living. After my mom passed, my depression intensified. Alot. Walking into that office came with it this instantaneous moment of release and relief. I just sat and cried, and talked. It literally saved my life. By making this decision, it opened up an entire new conversation surrounding mental health about our family history that I was unaware of.

It was amazing what surfaced once the dialogue began. I reached out to my siblings and just told them what was going on, and suggested that if they had any of these symptoms, they were worth getting checked out. Through talking, we realized there were similarities amongst us that we’ve shared and it’s also created dialogue with our children.

Another life changer, was after getting a medication change. I had maxed out on my current med, and needed to up my dose, which consisted of bringing in another medication, Wellbutrin. This was the first time in my life that the thought process of ‘if I don’t wake up tomorrow, it will be ok’, stopped. For as long as I can remember, I had this thought process daily. When at my lowest, it worsened. Even while on Celexa, I would still have these thoughts. I didn’t even realize how content I was thinking this, or that it wasn’t normal to think.

What was depression for you?

You’ll hear people say ‘those were the dark years’, but you never really understand what they mean. Until you look back at old pictures and see yourself, as if there’s this invisible weight you were carrying, and you think, oh, yep, now I get it. Those were my ‘dark years.’

Depression for me, was total and complete exhaustion, while also not sleeping at night. I’ve always struggled with not sleeping, another thing I just thought was normal. When overly tired, depression rages on my internal monologue. It will ramp up and escalate quickly. What may begin as ‘don’t forget to buy bread’, can quickly become repetitive, followed by screaming in my head, drowning out other thoughts.

My career was always the divider though. Whether in the Marines or teaching, when I entered that zone of structure, I was in my element. I knew what was coming, how to perform and was still able to be my goofy self. No one in that environment would have guessed I was struggling. But once I hit my front door, the only thing I wanted was my bed. It is exhausting to be so exhausted. My family didn’t get the best of me, instead, they got too tired, cranky me, and that wasn’t fair.

Depression for me, was flirting with the idea of yanking the steering wheel just enough to the left as a semi was approaching in oncoming traffic to end it all, more often than I care to admit.

What’s the biggest lie you’ve been told?

Before I got married, everyone always told me to enjoy being single while I could, because once you get married, it’s going to be hard work. Everyone said it takes so much to make the relationship work and stay together. I’ve been married for 25 years, and it’s the easiest thing I’ve done, and it’s been anything but work. Of course, there are things we don’t agree on, and we have to talk through it, but I don’t know that we’ve ever yelled at each other, or even hit a point of such intensity.

People will tell you ‘never quit, never give up’. And that is true in certain things. I do believe that if you start a season, project or make a commitment, you should finish it. But I also believe there are certain points in life, where you have to be okay with letting something, or someone, go.

The career tests are liars. They will tell you, if you take this test, we’ll be able to tell you what you’ll be when you grow up. I was supposed to be a Forest Ranger. So…yeah….gotta go with a lie on that one.

What comes to mind when you think about the most difficult choice, or thing you’ve had to do in your life?

Hanging in there when the only reason not to is disappointing others. Prior to getting help there were so many deep holes and so many easy ways out. You’re so tired …. all the time and just getting up every morning is like …ugghhhh. When you have little kids, a spouse, Moms and all these people that you couldn’t bear the thought of putting through the sadness, the questions, the years and lifetimes of wondering ‘what if you just keep on keeping on’? You always remember, I just have to do it today.

Feel free to share, if this story resonates with you!

Despite where we’re at in life, we can all use additional support. Let’s connect! For a complimentary phone call, visit http://www.crisisaverted.org to schedule!

About That Wall…

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bkk slums 5

During our time in Thailand, we were primarily based in Bangkok. I wanted my then, 12 year-old daughter see each end of the spectrum. I wanted her to get a glimpse of an International school, with elite education and see what a small and safe environment of learning can look like, while also getting a glimpse of poverty at its worst. This brief opportunity gave us an amazing, and also very harsh awakening into the truths of poverty and violence. As per the norm, while I’m wanting her to learn about these topics, I myself end up getting just as much, if not more, of an education! In Bangkok, the “lowest of the lows”, are the slums. The slums grew at a rapid rate after the Bangkok pig slaughterhouse was shut down. (Highly recommend the quick, easy and eye opening read, “Welcome to the Bangkok Slaughterhouse “) This was their main source of income and it employed many, maintaining a large lower to middle class and kept thousands from experiencing the true depths of poverty. When the slaughter house was closed, is where poverty grew at a substantial rate. Just to compare, this would be similar to Mayo Clinic, Rochester, being relocated or shut down. 40,000 people unemployed, immediately. Half of the state, plus thousands more, would feel the immediate affects of this. We seen this with GM in Flint, Michigan. The average household income in Flint used to be 80k. We all know this is far from the case now, as similar to Bangkok, clean running water is not a luxury. The BKK slums, consists of 2-300,000 people living under the bridge alone, along with “slum” type housing, which is where on average, 2-10 people could be sleeping in the same small shack or room, (when I say “room”, I mean half the size of an average American bedroom) with communal showers and cooking spaces.

We had the opportunity to spend a couple of days volunteering at a slum daycare/pre-kinder care. This place was simply a safe haven from 7:30-3:30 each day for kids, infant to 3 years old, to come and learn, have clean diapers, sanitary conditions, sing, dance and have nutritious meals. Most of these children were found alone in their shacks, while their parents attempted to provide during the day. Daycare isn’t exactly a luxury and working in the slums can consist of running street food carts, selling street goods (flowers, knick knacks etc), or running drugs. Anything to attempt to make a baht (their currency) or 2, anything to simply stay alive and survive another day, to some, that survival means another hit, to some it means food for their children. None of these “jobs” call for children being on the job (as we can relate). So this place provides an opportunity for kids to be safe and interact, play and learns with others.

Why do they keep reproducing you ask? Good question. When your average drop out rate in the public school system is 2nd grade, it’s safe to say basic sex education or access to contraceptives/protection probably isn’t top priority, or as obvious as one would think!

This is something I wrote while over there, that sums it up perfectly….

“I don’t care what anyone says about immigrants or refugees – and I’m not denying the fact that we have plenty of this in our own country – at the end of the day, it’s all the same song and dance – a nonstop driving force between the wealthy and poor, with next to no true, interactive help from the governments. But seriously, before you spout at the mouth – I first dare you to come to these places and see these conditions before you ever judge these people for wanting something better. We want better for our kids all the time! These are babies, innocent children added to conditions they didn’t ask for, on behalf of circumstances many of their parents didn’t ask for. It is so heartbreaking to see such despair, to think of a girl wanting to graduate as her mom has been saving 300 baht ($9 American money, we spend this daily on lattes and happy hour) to graduate, for something she worked so hard for in the hopes to better to herself, only to have it stolen from her – when we buy our kids clothes and electronics that could HOUSE these families for that money! It is not a matter of circumstance or choice, this is poverty! It breeds itself just like the wealthy breeds itself – both ignorant – just in different ways.
In the same breath – it’s so heartwarming to see what they’re doing – which is simply just trying – a little at a time to make it better, even if just for awhile. Even if these kids end up on the same path as their parents, to just be able to experience the basics – to know love, to feel a hug, to hear a compliment, to taste a meal just for a moment in time – then that has to mean something….”
This is so needed right now in a wealthy, divided country, to better understand what poverty looks like. I’m so confused how in one minute people are praising or posting that “God is great” and in the next sentence or post, we’re saying build a wall? How are these not contradictory?! We’re either in a state of division or unity, and it’s hard to be christian like, when we’re only choosing to be towards our own. I’m certainly not much a bible banger, but last I checked, that wasn’t the word of the Lord. (correct me if I’m wrong and missed that verse) I simply cannot condone shunning another, especially a parent for wanting their child to simply know what the basics of a meal, clothing, shelter and love feels like. I will never condone standing at the borders tear gassing another race that are simply seeking safety. They aren’t there with weapons, wanting to wage war, they are seeking help. We would never stand for this to happen to our own children, and yet we have no problem allowing our egos to say we can’t afford it, or they aren’t worthy, or too damn bad, go back to your own country. I know there are many sides to this debate, and I’m fully aware there is far more that goes into this then just simply letting people walk across the border, but the primary reasoning for this entry, is topics like the Hondurian Caravan, along with many, many others who have endured similar situations and asked for help. I cry watching us treat other humans, especially mothers, fathers and children with such hate and dehumanization. While we sit back on our screens, high and mighty and say build a wall?!
So, I ask, that while many are promoting this wall, or as you scuff at the site of a 3 year old getting tear gassed or a mother trying to do whatever necessary to save her child, on the off chance that they survive and are given an opportunity for something better, that you think of your own. Simply allow yourself to go to a place of despair, of complete loss and hopelessness. Allow yourself to imagine the thought of sending your 7 year old to school, with the constant concern of the drug cartel walking in and hand picking them at random. Selling the girls to the sex trafficking and training the boys to be a “soldier”. Now imagine, being a teacher in those schools, attempting to protect these innocent children, only to be shot at point blank when resisting. Imagine being a parent who is told your child has been taken and there is no opportunity to save them. Knowing they’ll be forced to feed a horrific cause, drugged, sold, raped and taught to kill. And then tell me you wouldn’t do the same for your family and children if you were forced into these conditions. Build the wall, don’t build the wall, side Democratic or Republican, Pro-Trump, anti-Trump, I really don’t care, but choose to see these situations simply as a human being, nothing more. Not as an American, as white, black, middle-class or upper-class or inferior, superior, but simply beyond money or greed. I don’t care what news station covered what story or what half truth they’re each telling, this is basic human compassion for another in hard times. When you drop the labels around another person, you see it’s just a person in need. We have all been in these positions and been fortunate enough to have those around us to help us, that weren’t all drowning at the same time. I’m not asking for anyone to change their political views or to provide a platform for further fighting, hate and division, I just want you to look at your kids, your parents, your siblings, families and neighbors and picture yourself in a reverse situation, would you still want a wall then?
bkk house of praise kids cropped

The Beginning

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Jos sr pic hammock

Jos sr pic bench

 

 

 

 

 

She is the face behind the face of the company, Crisis Averted. The real story. The reason it launched and exists. Most companies begin with credentials that include a 4-year bachelors degree with a major and a minor in specific fields of study. I’m often asked if I have a Psychology degree, if I’m a licensed counselor or if I’m paid by the public school systems. The answer is “no” to all. Which usually follows by a puzzled look of what exactly Life Coaching is or what these public speaking engagements could possibly include!

This companies credentials begin with the face in the picture. Her name is Josie. It began with a death by suicide. Then a phone call. The one that changes everything. The one where you realize never again would you be who you once were. It began with the cold hard truth of what that really looks like and how absolutely terrible it is to feel so helpless, not being able to save another human being from the depths of their own hell. Even worse, was not knowing it was anywhere near that bad. It followed with unending guilt, depression and sadness that words can’t describe. The heaviness of her pain was instantaneously transferred to those left behind.

Then, it was being forced to walk the same path she did. One I simply could never understand prior. It was being buried in a pillow that I never wanted to leave. Followed by the bottle. The bottle of booze, the bottle of meds, (never ending medications to “fix” me), a pack of marlboros and even more external toxicity at every corner. After learning how to overcome those, it was learning to feel again without constant numbing. And I am not going to lie when I say that was more painful then any hang over! From there was acceptance. Which, on days like today, can feel light years away. Then there was forgiveness of self. Shit, that one my friends, is the toughest mountain to climb!

11 years ago, I wouldn’t have guessed this is what would’ve stemmed from something so atrocious. There was this silent pull to keep moving, even in the depths of chaos. Blindly putting one foot in front of the other. Stumbling backwards, falling, getting back up. Doors slammed shut, while others opened. This company, this mission, me, as a person – stems from her, her life and even more so, her death and the lessons that followed. They are my credentials, they are more then any text book or shiny degree could offer. Its debt comes with one that no number can justify. It began with the worst outcome imaginable and has turned into what I can only hope, will be the best thing possible. I can’t save her, perhaps she was never ours to save. I can’t go back and redo one single second of it. But I can change it from here on out.

You see, it isn’t about mental illness, it’s about mental health. It isn’t about fixing, it’s about growing. It isn’t about numbing, it’s about feeling. It isn’t about resistance, it’s about acceptance. It isn’t about them, it’s about us. It isn’t about external blame, it’s about internal peace. It’s about learning all of these, and then continually relearning them over and over again. It’s about what we’re here for. The life we want to live, one with passion, purpose and fulfillment. And most of all, it’s about healing.

http://www.crisisaverted.org

You aren’t alone and your story isn’t for nothing.

Jos and I senior pic

Jos & I country fest 06

Our Youth

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Customized Class 1

After listening to hundreds of students feedback ranging from Jr. to Sr. High, I can’t help but wonder if I would know my own child’s response if it were in front of me. In fact, I wonder if most parents would know their know their child’s response. We’re so good as parents, teachers and adults of just assuming we know best. We assume that because we like something, our kids will too. We assume they don’t see parts of us we don’t want them to see. We assume they don’t pick up on the silence, on the tone, or the expectations we place before them. We assume that because our experiences have been a certain way, theirs must be the same. And that’s assuming that any would engage in these deeper levels of conversation, with true honesty. I’m guilty of all of the above.

How many times do we, as parents allow our kids the platform to speak outside of “how was your day?” How many times do we take time to consciously engage in deeper conversations, on a more regular basis. How often do we self reflect on where things within our homes may need attention before pointing the blame on our kids or teachers? After all, our kids are simply repeating most of our own behaviors. Are we taking the time to really listen? I know I’m good for wanting to just fix it, or make it go away, instead of letting them feel and learn that feeling is part of it, even the not so pretty stuff. I want to make it all better instead of allowing them to speak for themselves and have a voice. Also guilty on all charges.

Are we aware of the apps that are on their devices, the messages or snaps being sent? Would we realize if they were self harming? Would we have any clue that the reason they’re acting out may have more to do with what’s happening on a device, at school or at home, then perhaps even the current situation? Would we know if they were hurting to the extent they’ve considered ending their lives? Sounds intense, right? Well, I invite you to get a glimpse into their lives, because I can promise you, it can be far different then they sometimes lead on, and these are plenty of our own children answering with these responses. Now that we’ve heard from parents and teachers, please, take the time to read, to listen and to engage in these deeper conversations in your homes. They’re so desperately needed. They have voices, not only do they need to be heard, but they deserve to be heard, for they’re powerful.

*Please note: The intention of this entry isn’t to shame anyone, it’s simply to bring awareness to our blind spots as adults, as we all have them, especially when it comes to our own children. It’s simply to bring awareness to today’s youth, they way they may be feeling and opening up a different dynamic of conversation at the dinner table.**

What do you feel is the biggest struggle being in SCHOOL?

“Keeping good grades and trying to be at your best 100% of the time”.

“Being able to balance sports, homework and relationships”.

“Feeling like I have to take on everything and make it perfect for my parents and friends to accept me.”

“Always trying to fit in, I never know what music I should listen to, sports I should play or things I should like, just to get people to like me”

“Always worried about my next test or what my grade will be and if I’ll get into college.”

“Constantly being told and reminded I’m not good enough”

“Trying not to get caught up in judgement. That’s all high school is, is constantly feeling judged by other students, friends and teachers”.

“Expected to stay focused all day everyday, at school and at home”.

“Feeling like teachers act like the students, trying to be cool or favoring or judging. Not having that safe place at school.”

“If I’m not in sports, I don’t belong”

“It can feel like a war zone some days, always trying to fit in and avoid being judged, it can be really tiring”

What is your biggest struggle at HOME?

“I am on my phone alot at home, most of us are. We used to eat together and do more things together, now I’m just always in my room on my device.”

“My parents fighting over who is more right or who is the better parent”

“Switching houses constantly. I feel like once I finally get settled into one house, I go to the next.”

“Always feeling like I need to be studying or on the court – it’s never enough.”

“My mom/dad struggle with anxiety and depression, it’s hard not to be sad when they’re sad or not get caught up in their emotional struggles.”

“Trying to make my parents happy”

“Having parents that don’t fight”

“Time management”

“My mom struggles with anxiety. It’s hard to watch and it makes me have anxiety when she’s having an attack.”

“Addiction. My dad drinks alot, it makes it really hard on my siblings and I, we just try to avoid him so he doesn’t get mad.”

“Watching my sister have really bad depression and has to leave the home to get help so she stops hurting herself.”

“My brother had a really bad last year, it was so hard on my family, I think it’s better now though. I hope so.”

“Listening to my parents talk smack about each other and to each other about who is the worst parent.”

How can those around you better SUPPORT you?

“Just listen”

“Don’t try and fix me all the time”

“Stop trying to make me be perfect”

“Just pay attention to me and what I’m saying and don’t yell when I do talk”

“Ask me more questions and check in on me from time to time”

“Let me be imperfect”

“Let me be me, I’m not you.”

 

 

Inside Looking Out – Joshua

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blog-josh-collage

“My Name is Joshua Kuhlmann. I am an alcoholic. I am a meth and heroine addict, but only when accompanied by alcohol.” This is how I would’ve identified myself the last time I walked into treatment. I was 39 years old, this was approximately my 9th round of treatment, 2nd round of inpatient. This time I knew it was the last time, I felt it deep within me, I was finally bowing out of this life I became to know and rely on.

For all the thoughts and words that come to mind when we hear words such as “recovering meth or heroine addict” – vulnerable, courageous and inspirational most likely aren’t on the top of many’s list. When actually, those are the words that are deserved for anyone who has succumbed to any type of an addiction, and especially the wrath of harsh substances such as these. To not be able to see your life beyond your next sip or hit, to have your mind so overtaken by something that literally owns and destroys you, as well as every facet of your body and life, is something many more know then society cares to recognize. This is not always what it may seem from the outside looking in, it’s far deeper then that. It’s a world of it’s own that only exists to those caught in it’s darkness – it’s mental illness in another realm – masked by and numbed by a substance. To hear someone’s countless stories of being at the bottom of this barrel for years on end, only to see them a year later, an entirely different and new being – watching them rebuild their life literally one minute, hour or day at a time is quite amazing. To beat the mindset of knowing that at any minute they could go back to any of it with a simple phone call – is inspirational!

Thank you Josh, for not only sharing your story, but teaching and reminding me what the meaning of truly being one’s self looks like. To be forced to function in every single area of your life with total and complete surrender, vulnerability and sobriety is not a task many care to attempt. To be back in the work force, raising children, building and starting new relationships, a home and most importantly rebuilding yourself! Everyone “lives their life”, many never walking down the path of addiction, but few live their lives consciously, always looking to improve themselves, being open and adaptable to change and giving gratitude for the simplest of things the rest of us take for granted. And that is just a few of the great things we can learn from you and all those who have walked this with you. You have so much to be proud of and so much more to look forward too on this new and exciting, while also challenging-in-it’s-own-way journey.

Here is Josh’s story, which will be followed by another entry from his sister, Jodell, who will give us a glimpse of what it was like to stand on the other side, from the outside looking in.

At what age did it begin and were there any underlying reason? What substance did you start with?

It began when I was in elementary school, when my dad passed me a beer to take a swig. There was this feeling of acceptance I got, being “one of the guys”. It was a rush, a relief, as if I was on top of the world, all my problems washed away in that one sip. It was the social norm for my parents to host card parties and sit around and drink, especially in a small town. This was the normal setting I was exposed too, so it didn’t seem foreign to me. From that point forward it slowly, but consistently grew – it planted a seed of acceptance that I didn’t realize would snowball into something far bigger.

Let me just give you a bit of a timeline of what this life looked like. I rang in my 13th birthday smoking weed for the first time, which then led to regular use. At 14 I got what was the first of many minor consumptions. Age 16, my senior year, brought with it my first round of outpatient treatment. Although the drinking didn’t slow, I wanted to be able to participate in football, and this was mandatory in order for me to do so.

I graduated at 17, this just gave me even more time during the day to indulge in partying, with that came regular use of cocaine. I had a great job, I was making good money removing asbestos from homes. At 19 I buy a house, drinking copious amounts of vodka, while feeling daily rushes of regular cocaine use. I can average 2-3 days before crashing. A majority of this great income is spent on sipping, chugging and snorting. One of what will be four DUI’s follows shortly after, along with 3 friends committing suicide. This scares me, but I’m still feeling as if I need these outlets in order to be “social” because my anxiety is so intense. Age 20, I lose my job because I’m not able to function and make it there regularly, but not a huge deal, besides, I’m making enough money dealing. I’m feeling really good about myself, people look up to me and respect me and it fills another void. The reality of my friends deaths start to settle a little too close to home, so I move to distance myself from this, with the hope of going to college and playing football to get my life back on track. This instead turns into more hook ups and even better money selling coke! It’s funny how you say you’ll “never” until you’re standing there doing that “never”. I swore I would never shoot up, but somehow find myself doing just that. This is what my life from age 20-30 consisted of – partying day and night, selling coke, having sex with multiple women – living the high life.

Roughly at the age of 30 I OD’d (for the 1st time) off percocet and oxy, followed by a 3 day coma. I wake up pissed, wanting out, and begging my mom for money to go get another liter. I fractured my spine from having alcohol withdrawal seizures. The realization of this injury from having seizures from withdrawals, is a bit of a scare. So, I decide another round of inpatient treatment is necessary. That followed a half way house, with 60 days of sobriety, only to get kicked out of 2 more half way houses. Another overdose – this time on heroine. I end up enrolling to college, which lands me a $5000 check to live off of and supply my needs. At one point I end up in the Anoka County Courthouse bathroom drinking rubbing alcohol to keep the shakes at bay, with nowhere to go and no clue what my next move will be. This leads me back to parents again. Although I’m working, I meet who becomes my long time girlfriend, who just happens to be a bartender. This works out well considering she supplies my booze stash. She enables me even more, always paying the bills, which allows me to carry on with my lifestyle while she works, in turn I’m caring for her daughter. This works out great, I’m home more at least, out less partying, but still feeding off the toxicity that has always resided between us.

When I’m 32 I’m in the beginning stages of liver failure, noticeably jaundice, with extreme pain. This leads to a week of sobriety after being hospitalized, but corrected itself, only to have repeated itself. This is a realization that the half gallon of vodka is no longer feasible, so I pick up meth, besides it’s a great diet regimen! 😉 After awhile I’m going through an 8 ball of meth at a time just to keep me going. 3-4 years of meth, followed by heroine for a change of pace. It’s like a version of a doctors prescription to alternate between Tylenol and Ibuprofen, except I’m alternating meth and heroine. I wasn’t biased towards one or the other – unlike others – I had friends on both sides of the track. For those few years, I never intentionally slept. I mean I slept, but I never thought “I should go to bed” or “it’s bedtime”. I crashed wherever, whenever, but it was only at that point that I got rest.

At this point I can’t see the light of day, nor do I have alot of motivation to do so, this is just simply my life day in and day out. I am a master manipulator using and abusing anything and anyone that gets me from one hit to the next. While it feels good to feel good, being admired by so many, what I don’t realize, is, I’m being manipulated, used and abused by all around me just as much. So, here I am, feeling on top of the world, only having occasional rising fears of being without my safety nets.

Addiction of choice and why – explain the highs and the crashes – what did it feel like physically, mentally and emotionally.

Alcohol was always a factor, it was the first thing I did each morning and the last thing I did each night. Within a few hours of waking I had the shakes, looking for my next swig of booze – preferably vodka. The drugs weren’t near as important to me as the vodka. Drug of choice would be ecstasy, but isn’t something I did alot of because it was tough to keep the high for extended periods. The booze was my coping mechanism, while the drugs made me feel 10 feet tall and bulletproof, adding to my confidence. As my roommate says heroine was “a warm blanket of amazingness”. You could be getting your head bashed in with a club and think everything was good! But when the vodka was dry – it was instant panic, I was legit scared to think of not having any. I never did the drugs without the booze, to do it sober was actually scary to me. Straight up, uncontrollable anxiety.

How do you think this affected those around you? At the time, did you think there was any ripple effect to your family?

Nope, not at all. I thought I appeared to ‘have it all together’ and someone to be looked up too, and honestly, I was – in that world. Outside of ‘that world’, it was total denial when it was brought up to me, I didn’t think it was anything I couldn’t control.

Turning point in your life – the last straw – the one that started your journey to get to this point.

I think subconsciously, I knew when I was 32, when the realization that the onset of liver failure had begun. That scared me, but instead, I buried myself deeper. Fast forward to 2015, I have 2 warrants out for my arrest due to drug sales after being caught with a wire. After ins and out of what I hope would be a pass back out the door after lack of evidence, my lawyer informs me another county has additional sale charges on me. But, even then, I’m feeding myself lies to keep myself sane. This is the realization that my avenues of escape are looking thinner by the minute and I should probably start prepping myself for a long haul of sobriety, whether prison or long term treatment, I wasn’t getting out this time. I actually tinkered with the thought of taking the 120 months in prison over the option of mandated inpatient for a year.

The real, official turning point is when I’m sitting in the wreck room in jail – I come across the Holy Spirit Handbook. This changes everything. This is literally my “coming to Jesus moment” in a way I’ve never experienced before. There’s this feeling of total and complete peace, calmness and serenity that flows over and through me. And this time, I don’t have an ounce of any substance in me. For the first time in my life, I know I’m going to be OK, and I’m actually excited about being admitted to MN Adult and Teen Challenge. This is the start of a new life I didn’t know was possible, or perhaps wasn’t willing or ready to embrace all those years. It was better then any high I had ever experienced, it was the most peace and comfort I had felt my entire life.

What are some of the biggest challenges you’ve encountered since being sober?

I would have to say keeping my anxiety in check, although nowhere near what it used to be, it still arises, especially in a social setting. Learning to be aware of it and trying to find coping mechanisms to offset it is a work in progress. Another thing that I’ve been trying harder to work on, is learning to focus attention back on myself, doing the inner work required to heal. It’s always been a mindset of blame, pointing the finger outside of me, that I’ve never taken responsibility for my actions. Now I’m trying to learn how to balance things, patience with my kids and family, but especially with myself. Learning how to co-parent while also setting boundaries, recognizing manipulation, being open to feedback without defaulting to blame and just establishing myself. To try and retrain my brain to remember things and be aware without going back into default mode. I started so young, I don’t know that I was ever able to establish myself and my own true identity. I guess that’s the beauty in rebuilding.

What do you think are the biggest problems that come with the stigmas of addiction? What are some missing factors you feel are being overlooked when addressing these issues and the judgement that comes with them, especially in younger kids?

The lack of understanding coming from all angles, especially at home. I told my dad once about my anxiety, (although I didn’t know that’s what it was at the time), the response was along the lines of “deal with it, don’t be a pussy”. But the older generations didn’t discuss their problems, so maybe he didn’t know any other way to respond without thinking something was wrong with me.

I was sitting in jail after my second DUI, flipping through a magazine when I came across a Paxil ad. As I was reading the side effects such as racing thoughts, shortness of breath, restlessness, irritability, or difficulty in public places – I came to the realization that this was me! I am that blue pill – more like I need that blue pill! To realize that other people had these same symptoms was amazing to me, because I thought it was just me! I was so excited about the fact that this pill could help me that I went up and asked the desk clerk to give me some, not realizing it wasn’t that easy.

Another thing people don’t realize, is this isn’t just one set of people or only people of a certain social status engage in substance abuse. I used with plenty of people that came from higher social statuses, kids of doctors and other respectable careers. The stigma that only people that come from crap households or poverty level use substances to cope, couldn’t be farther from the truth! And yet we were viewed as the “scum” or “losers”.

Sometimes I wonder if I had known or learned to cope better with my anxiety if I wouldn’t have went to other substances to rid myself of these feelings that in fact were normal to many. Sometimes I think my parents should have just left me sit in jail the first few times I was in, maybe it would’ve changed my mindset. Instead it just enabled and reinforced my behavior, knowing they’d come to my rescue when I got caught again. But, I guess it’s hard to say for sure, either way, this was how it unraveled for me.

Has it changed your path or purpose in life since? Do you feel you endured it for a reason and are meant to do something with it?

Absolutely. I’ve lived my life unknowingly being so selfish, only worrying about myself, but now I know it has nothing to do with me. I realize it was all fake and false before, even looking back – there were so many odd things that happened that lined up in my favor – that redirected me. My life resides in Christ, which in turn out flows into everyone around me. The fact that I’m alive is evidence in itself of what my life purpose is. No one endures what I did and almost dies that many times for nothing. It’s all part of a bigger plan.

There is no denying that overall substance abuse, especially in meth and heroine are on the rise – what do you think are significant contributing factors to this problem?

Prescription pills are a big factor. Although this wasn’t a direct reflection in my case, I do hear of prescription pills being a sought out source, it seems common within the treatment world. They’re fairly easy to get a hold of. As far as the rest, I don’t know if there’s a certain “go-to” I think it depends on preference or whatever is available.

What and who do you see yourself as now? How would you identify yourself?

I am Joshua Kuhlmann, I am a child of God, saved by Jesus Christ. I know what the highest of highs feels like, along with the lowest of lows – simultaneously – from trying to catch a buzz in a courthouse bathroom to sitting in a jail cell reading the Lord’s word. I have done alot of shit, seen alot of shit – but I am truly grateful for every part of my journey. Because I know what it’s like to stand on that side, and I look forward to spending the remainder of my life standing on this side, helping others in their journey of recovery!

Despite where we’re at in life, we can all use additional support, visit www.crisisaverted.org for a complimentary phone call to learn more!

For more entries regarding personal stories surrounding addiction, check out Ron’s story.

*If you or someone you know is in need of help, here a general site/line to start with to better direct you of resources within your area drugabuse.gov https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help *

*If any of this resonates with you, or you know of someone it may help who is personally struggling or has family that is, please feel free to share on social media to bring forth awareness and hope, while breaking down stigma around this subject!*

Santa Monica

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Santa Monica Blog entry Nov 16.jpg

“Her mind’s made up
The girl is gone
And now I’m forced to see
I think I’m on my way
Oh, it hurts to live today
Oh and she says “Don’t you wish you were dead like me?”

And I remember the day when you left for Santa Monica
You left me to remain with all your excuses for everything
And I remember the time when you left for Santa Monica
And I remember the day you told me it’s over”

This was the last song I listened too exactly 9 years to the day with you. Although those lyrics mean something different since then, the feeling that arises when hearing them is still there. I had just put Gabby – 2 1/2 and sick at the time – to bed, waiting for Nathan to get home, you and I were chatting about wedding stuff. I had mentioned perhaps  meeting with Sarah to do wedding invites, I knew you wanted to do them, but she’s great at this stuff and thought maybe you could learn some things from her?! I remember feeling half guilty, half defensive by the look on your face that said “of course I wouldn’t do it good enough or the way you wanted”. It was that look, followed by a weak “sure”. I remember talking about all of these wedding things as you half ignored me, never looking at me – always facing the computer. I often wonder how you didn’t turn around and tell me to shut the fuck up – you didn’t care – because you weren’t going to there. I often wonder how you didn’t say many things to me – instead, always playing the part, keeping your mouth shut, trying to pretend to be happy for me – even though I knew you were pissed about the whole thing. Once I realized you were less then impressed with this choice of topic I said “oh Jos – you gotta listen to this song – you’re gonna love it – Santa Monica by Theory of a Deadman! I asked you what you thought and got a monotone “yeah – I like it.”

I’ve replayed in my head a million times us standing outside smoking – while freezing our asses off – we got laughing about I don’t  even know what. I vividly remember thinking – but never actually saying “you look so good, you’ve lost weight – you seem happy Jos!” Maybe I just wanted to enjoy that contagious laugh a little longer, so I didn’t say it – just like you didn’t say anything to me, so we carried on. When we came back in the house I told you I was sorry, you could finish what you needed too, but I needed to go to bed. I needed sleep – pffff – fuck – let’s be real – I always needed sleep! You acted bummed, with a brief hesitation – I took note of it, but was defensive and proceeded to bed. As I laid there – I remember feeling bad, but more so as if something seemed off – but too tired to bother inquiring. Instead, I heard you shut down the computer and walk across the kitchen floor for what would be the last time. I heard the door close and I fell asleep. And that was it. That was the last time I would see your face, the last time I would hear your laugh, the last time I would smoke a Marlboro with you, the last time I would have a discussion with you – it was the last of so many things that would taint me for so long.

For months and months afterwards, I would talk to you on my way into work as if you were in the passenger seat beside me. I would try and alter the reality of it – as crazy as that sounds – I just always felt like I needed those one-way conversations – that were far from conversations because I couldn’t quit crying long enough to actually finish a sentence. To this day whenever I feel you, I feel you on my right side – steady, solid, always quiet and always on my right.

At some point in all of our lives we have a massive shifting point, it shows up in many different ways, but it shakes us to the core. For those that don’t know what this feels like, you will in time, for it’s inevitable in the human experience. It isn’t a week long ordeal either – it’s a forever long ordeal. For as much as this blog has done for me, in regards to healing at a much more rapid rate on many levels – the replay of that night – the feelings that arise with that song – the longing to hear that laugh or see that smile will forever be imprinted when this week arises – year after year – despite the time in between.

How can something feel like yesterday and eternity all at once? There are times I feel as though I’ve lost the details as time has passed. There are parts of me that are thankful for that, for it doesn’t consume me like before – proving I’ve been able to let go and move forward, but there are also days – like today – when I wish I could remember every detail of your face, of your words, of your every breath. Here’s to 9 years – 9 down – plenty to go – but still looking forward to the day I see that face again.

Dreaming Another Nightmare

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blog - reality

Isn’t it funny how when you’re younger, your future plays out in a certain format? Your dreams follow this ‘ideal’ timeline of pure perfection! Life was going to be damn near perfect in every manner, there really wasn’t much I hadn’t dreamed up in my fantasy world – except that part where the train derails and I end up in bumfuck Egypt in the middle of my own shit storm that I really thought couldn’t get worse, but oh wait – IT JUST DID!
Let’s just rewind to the fairytale for a minute. Back to the dream land of getting a collage degree in Education, followed by being married by the age of 23, 1st child no later then the age of 25 (I didn’t want to be an old parent!) Then 2, maybe 3 more kids every 2-3 years to follow, I wanted them spaced just perfectly in age! I would have a nanny so my kids didn’t have to go to a daycare with other bratty kids! They’d be in a private elementary school in a larger community when they were younger so they learned diversity and the importance of it, but by middle school, we’d transfer to a smaller school system, so they could learn and appreciate the importance of a smaller community, I wanted to know the parents of my kids’ friends, and them to know everyone they graduated with,  like I was fortunate to have growing up. I’d be happily married for years, we’d travel a lot and my kids would have a lot of great experiences and memories, hopefully building the basis of their future by being curious of the huge world out there! We’d eventually move to the country overlooking the mountains to retire and enjoy the peace and quiet. Uh, life was going to be so great – god I couldn’t wait!

And then – one day – I woke up to a very different reality – back in Egypt. I was standing in the middle of a very different dream, more like nightmare, not knowing exactly how I managed to end up there!

Instead it went something along the lines of being 18, having a blast partying and working, going to the local college that I knew in my gut wasn’t going to pan out, but I played along with the role and ‘tried’ it. By trying it I mean I passed 2 of the 4 classes the 1st semester, the only 2 I was interested in to begin with, which was English and Psych. Instead I focused more on how damn good it felt to be living on my own, with 4 other good friends of mine, hanging with my new, good looking and older boyfriend, being free of rules, demands and chores and just plain loving life! This older boyfriend was eight and a half years older, which, at 18, is a big deal! Age is just a number on many levels, but at certain times in our lives, age does matter (I know mom – finally I got it! Better late then never 😉 ) I was with someone who was in a relationship, although I understood it at that time that it had ended (by ended, I believe he had moved out a few days prior), and I was also recently out of a relationship, for about a week (yeah – I know – total saints  – for sure). So, even though I more then knew better, he seemed very interested and I wanted it to be what I knew it wasn’t – but I still really wanted it to be what he made it appear to be!

As if age alone wasn’t a factor, the fact that he worked for my dad and was very close to him, was an obstacle in itself. But, rebellion was still running thick in my blood – so I ran with it, secretly hesitant, but outwardly, I’m sure I appeared cocky. I will never forget sitting in my parents kitchen, explaining to my less then impressed, quite frankly – my pissed off mother, that it was going to be just fine! The only thing I remember out of that entire ass chewing was her saying ‘you are nothing but a rebound to him and he is nothing but an infatuation to you.” Ouch. That stung. That stung alot – but what stung even more was when I had to call her bawling at 5 a.m. four months later – after my friend and I showed up at his exes house, banging on the door at midnight wondering why he was with her and didn’t have the balls to come to the door! (I’ve had prouder moments – yes).

I remember that sick heavy brick that festered in the pit of my gut for weeks after that night. I remember the replays, waiting for the next phone call, the begging, more lies, more apologies and finally, after making him ‘prove’ himself – me giving in. The ‘proving himself’ part consisted of him having to go explain himself to my mom, since she was the one that had to deal with 5 a.m. phone calls after months of seeing it for face value, I figured he could start there (not thinking he actually would!) This was the beginning of many more years worth of anger, manipulation, game playing and drama that I learned to play along with. Giving into something I knew wasn’t true, but again, I wanted it to be. Besides, he had spent years with her, of course he was going to go back, he still loved her on some level, how couldn’t he, maybe if I were thinner, older, more stable, more wise it wouldn’t have happened. Note for this next time around I guess, right? Welcome to my thought process!

I think more then my hate for him was the hate for myself, the way I held out for so long, just to give back in at the last minute. The hate for believing it, wanting it to be different then it what it was, but not knowing what that meant. Hating myself for not being what he wanted, for feeling the need to compete against other women, the bottle – anything. Hating myself for giving into the drama and nonsense, thinking every other ‘next time’ was going to be different then the previous last times. Hating myself for allowing the lies to flow so easily, for getting bogged down by it all, to the point of no longer caring, for giving into it, when I fought so hard not too, for so long. Hating myself for seeing it before it happened and yet waiting – almost wanting in some sick way – for it to happen again so I had a reason to bail again. I became reliant on the next fuck up, it kept us both fueled with anger, hate and drama – just to need some sick reason to make it all ‘better’ again – for a little bit anyways. And when it really came down to it, what I hated more then him – was myself – that I gave up me for him – that I changed my life, goals, dreams, morals and beliefs to fit something that was never in alignment with me to begin with. I hated myself for giving into the fear every time – the fear that he’d change for the next one and that I may miss being truly happy with him, fear that my daughter might not have the chance of knowing her parents to have a good, stable and loving relationship, fear that I might be alone forever, and that maybe I should be thankful he’s with me at all. That I thought I could change or ‘fix’ him – when it wasn’t about that – it was about 2 people that became miserable together on account of their own insecurities that were never resolved, caught in this vicious cycle that became routine, one that subconsciously we both thrived on. It was about 2 people that simply didn’t belong together, that again, tried to force pieces of the puzzle to fit, that were never meant to fit. It wasn’t about ‘training’ him ‘my’ way, with ‘better’ morals or expectations of him wanting the same family life I did, it wasn’t about ‘owning’ him or forcing him into things that quite obviously he wasn’t interested in, as his actions always showed it. He did fight for me on many levels, perhaps more then he had in previous relationships and perhaps in some ways- we could’ve been more – but not at that point in our lives. It had become so toxic, so full of mind games, when one was ready to party, the other didn’t want to leave the house, when one wanted to be saving money for a house, the other couldn’t blow it fast enough, when one was ready for marriage, the other wouldn’t even utter the word. We were rarely on the same page and when we were, it felt like we were on top of the world, that one week you would’ve sworn lasted 2 years without a single fight! ha Those short intervals were what I began to cling too, because that’s all I had – and they became fewer and farther between. And when push comes to shove – timing is always everything. After Josie, any speck of interest I had left, any excitement about moving forward in our lives, anything to do with him at all – was lost on every level within 24 hours after she died. As if the animosity wasn’t already there before – it intensified after that – he was to blame on every level for anything and everything I never did or didn’t do with her. And that was the beginning of the grand finale to follow – the one that trumped all other trumps. But then again, I guess that’s what happens when you choose to live in a fantasy world, talking each other, and ultimately yourselves into truths that weren’t ours.