stories

Connecting the Dots

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Lamb Colloage Final

If I told you that every experience is molding you for something bigger, something more, would you believe me? As you age, you have the luxury of looking back over your experiences, the old adage about “hindsight”. You can connect the dots backward and see how one thing flows into another. You can see the interconnection of all things as time unravels the answers to the questions you thought you’d never get. Kevin Lamb’s story so beautifully illustrates how life’s experiences really do happen for a reason. The things God puts in front of us, are molding us for something bigger, oftentimes, to connect with others.

Getting started, tell us about your parents.

I came from parents that stood at opposite ends of the spectrum. My father, a doctor, was an introvert, and workaholic, with an intense passion for medicine and money. My mother came from a strong family background, the product of a farming family where everyone contributed in some way to the family.  After they divorced, my mother was working several jobs to provide for her family. She never let us see the difficulty in providing for her boys (myself and my two brothers), as we always had everything we needed and wanted. I learned how to sacrifice and really work from her example, how to survive and overcome difficult situations when the world seems stacked against you.

The divorce was hard on all of us.  My brothers and I moved to Minnesota from Colorado so we could have some male role models in my mom’s brothers.  I was eleven years old, and left my grade school friends in the middle of the school year. I was uncomfortable in the new community, like an outsider with kids who had all grown up together.  And I wasn’t sure what to think of my parents divorce, but I knew things would never be the same. At the time it was hard to see that my parents just loved us, and they were doing their best for us. As a kid, it’s hard to realize the importance and value of having a relationship with your parents. 

Over the years my relationship with each of my parents has grown, but it’s taken time, patience and understanding. My mom sacrificed so much for her family, first for my dad while he finished medical school and residency, then for us as she tried to be both mom and dad for her boys. After my brothers and I grew up and left home, she struggled with depression and alcoholism. Your kids give you such a sense of purpose, especially as a single parent. Her role as a mother was such an ingrained part of who she was that she struggled to find purpose outside of that identity. Between depression and alcohol, it’s been a really tough road…for everyone. And both are the reality for many households and families. It impacts everyone, and in different ways. She has worked relentlessly trying to get and stay sober, while also managing her depression, but the disease of alcoholism is strong, causing her to stumble at times in her recovery. This has impacted not only my siblings and me, but also our children. However, the admirable part is how she gets back up and tries again, fighting for her life and her relationships with her kids and grand kids. She is the strongest person I know.

What was your biggest struggle growing up?

 Although it may be hard for many to believe now, socialization and finding myself outside of being an athlete were my biggest struggles. It took me a long time to come out of my shell and to take social risks, to have fun without worrying that others were judging me.  With the divorce and move to a new state, I just really wasn’t sure of who I was outside the realm of athletic competition. I was shy and quiet, trying only to blend in when I wasn’t competing – totally different for who I am as a teacher and coach.

What is the greatest contrast from your upbringing to the way you parent your kids?

My biggest challenge is not constantly pushing my kids to be better and just accept them for doing their best. My frustration tends to come out in anger, and it’s hard to not take things personally. I have to take a step back and separate myself. To truly love our kids unconditionally can be one of our greatest challenges – to just accept them completely as they are, with all of their flaws, without trying to make them better all the time. 

When I was growing up, there was always room for improvement and there was always feedback to go along with it. To just accept that our kids are doing their best too, and they’ll figure it out in their own time, is something we all need to remind ourselves.

I try really hard to be emotionally, mentally and physically present for my kids. My mom had to work so hard to make ends meet, and my dad was really not a part of our lives. But, that’s driven me to do it differently, to be aware and present to what is going on as much as I can, both with my kids, as well as for other kids.

My wife, Stephanie, is my grounding element in everything I do, including co-parenting. She is the stability and consistency that not only I need, but our family and household needs. She loves me unconditionally, and that in and of itself ripples to our sons. I didn’t grow up in a home with parents who demonstrated that, and I am so grateful that we are able to give that to our boys, to show them what a functioning, solid and stable relationship looks like. 

Why did you choose the profession of being an English teacher? 

I was fortunate enough to not only be naturally gifted at sports but academics as well. I was able to float through with good grades without having to put in much effort, which later came to haunt me during my college years. It wasn’t until college that I was able to expand and grow, but with growth came the pain of learning how to put the work in academically. This was also my first introduction to getting to know myself outside of sports. My roommates were extremely smart, and it helped me to increase my effort and performance in my studies. I had to learn how to study and do my daily work, something I wasn’t accustomed to in high school. English came easy to me, and it’s something that everyone needs in their daily lives. They need to be able to effectively communicate, comprehend and read, and I knew that I could break this down into something that students may find easier to understand.

What is your biggest failure, that was also your greatest teacher?

Motivating through fear is rarely helpful, and focusing on the growth more than pointing out failures is much more effective. This can be hard to do in the day to day routines, but it’s easy to see how detrimental it is to a person either thriving or struggling. We can all be more supportive of each other. Encouragement and positivity go so far, and make constructive criticism so much easier to hear.

What is the lesson that took you the longest to learn?

True, faithful acceptance of God and myself. To truly believe that who I am is good enough for God, my wife, children, students, and community. Even though some have seen me at my worst, I am still worthy of the goodness and blessings in my life, despite my shortcomings. I am continually working towards acceptance of self, and recognizing we all have our good and bad days.  We don’t have to be at our best all the time in order to give our best effort. 

The other thing that has become more prevalent in the past couple of years is how to let go and grieve. I have found my purpose (aside from my family), through my students and athletes. Both my wife, Stephanie and I say that our strength comes from serving others. But with that has come the realization that I’ve deflected some of my own grief. I’ve come to understand the importance of putting on your own oxygen mask first, before supporting others. If you can’t breathe, you’re not being truly helpful to those you’re trying to support. I’m trying to be better about allowing myself that space and opportunity to feel the necessary emotions I need to as well, so that I can heal and perform at a high level.

Can you think of a time you were untrue to yourself?

A lot of adolescence is figuring out what being true to yourself means and what isn’t. You’re growing and finding yourself, influenced by others and not always sure how to think or act in a way that you know you should. I remember specifically treating a high school girlfriend really poorly. I was manipulative and downright mean to her. I didn’t like myself or the way I was acting when I was with her and realized that wasn’t who I wanted to be. 

What were major crossroads in your life?

I was in college, still an athlete, but coming to the realization that this wasn’t going to be the rest of my life. That is a tough bridge many athletes cross at some point. I had spent a lot of years on a field or wrestling mat, pushing myself to improve with a sense of tunnel-vision, only to realize it was only one portion of my life. It was time to take those lessons and apply them to the rest of my life. 

During this transition I felt such a loss of identity, it felt overwhelming and disheartening to think of myself outside of identifying as an athlete. When I realized I wanted to become a teacher and really have an opportunity to help kids, the adult me became more important than ball or being the athlete. I had a renewed sense of purpose. It was a big transitional period and one that led me down this path.

Have you struggled with mental illness?

I’m genetically predisposed to mental illness and personally struggle with depression. Looking back, I would say a vivid memory was my second year of college. I was coaching 9th-grade football and one of the students committed suicide, shortly after, my grandpa passed and my oldest brother moved out of state. I don’t think I got off the couch for at least 2 weeks. But it wasn’t until about a year ago that I got on medication for depression. Things didn’t get better after a time, and they weren’t “bad” for any particular reason. Things just started becoming increasingly grey and gloomy for an extended period. I couldn’t find happiness in things that I used to love, such as my family, hunting, fishing, or sports. 

Since being on medication, my overall outlook has improved. Little things don’t affect me as much, and I have more control over my emotions. I wake up almost every day with a positive outlook on what I will do and the impact I can make on the people around me. I am less irritable and much easier to be around (I hope), less demanding and more accepting of performance below my expectations. I still push my athletes and students to improve and hold them to high standards for performance, but it isn’t as big of an obstacle when I feel people are not reaching their potential. 

Why did you choose to be a coach?

Aside from the fact that I’ve always been a huge competitor, both coaches and teachers were instrumental father figures that served as primary role models for me. My mother’s family was great at letting us come along to hunt and fish, but I didn’t feel the same connection as when I was on the field or with teammates. I felt most comfortable and secure, connected and present being an athlete, because this was my family, outside of my relatives. 

My primary focus with coaching has been to create a safe environment where boys can be open, honest and vulnerable with each other. My overall goal in this position is an intentional, positive impact. It’s more than just football, a win or a loss, and it’s more than learning about yourself or how to improve, it’s learning about life as a whole. Whether learned in practice or in a game, the lessons on the field can be applied to life as well. I want them to see that and connect the dots so they can apply it down the road. 

We started this season with a short losing streak, and we have had our share of struggles the past few seasons: players out with injuries, and various struggles as a team.  It’s hard not to get stuck in that rut, myself included. I kept thinking if we could just get a win for a little boost in morale, it would really help! But we have to remember there’s always a lesson. There’s a large majority of outside circumstances in our lives, that we can’t control. You will give it your best, and sometimes, you’ll still come up short. Our job is to figure out how to be better, not bitter.  Growth doesn’t happen in times of comfort, and each obstacle can be seen as an opportunity to learn, improve, grow. As difficult as it is sometimes, it is important to see problems in a positive light because they ultimately help us more than success does in the long run.

The true test of character is when you’re in a slump. In life, you’re not always going to get the job, the girl/guy, the house or the raise. You will lose people close to you, you will have bad things happen, but you have to keep moving forward and learn from the last interview, relationship or financial struggle. What could have been done differently? What is there to be learned? And when you’re out of the slump, it becomes clear what was needed or why you needed it at that time, and how it helped you grow.

**We can all learn from others’ stories! Feel free to share if this resonates with you!**

**If you’re interested in scheduling a complimentary call with Amanda about Life Coaching sessions, visit www.crisisaverted.org **

Fork In The Road

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There are times in your life where you’ll be standing at a fork in the road, and not even realize how detrimental this one decision can be. How vast a contrast one decision from another really is. Or how it will alter your entire life. This was me when I decided to leave Germany to follow the love of my life to the States. This was the difference between expansion and stagnation. This wasn’t just a turning point, it was the turning point.

This is Michael Heppner; Husband, father, German Teacher, and Boys Soccer Coach, but his story holds so much value beneath that. I respect his ability to self reflect, and not only observe past faults and take ownership but also a willingness to correct them, is something we can all learn from. Thank you for taking the time to share the parts of you that make you who you are today.

Can you think of a time you were untrue to yourself?

Honestly, I spent from the day I was born, to 19 years old, always trying to be something or someone that I wasn’t. I came from an environment that reinforced that the external mattered more than the internal. This was a part of an era that many can relate to, perhaps you could say a generational way of thinking. These outside markers were of utmost importance…the win, the grade, the success…always measuring.

My brother was held to a very high standard, there were expectations to be a teacher and do big things in life. He was very intelligent and met the standards given, however, this wasn’t the same for me. There were predetermined opinions and expectations of me as well, most of which I felt were negative. Instead of proving them wrong by showing them who I truly was, I behaved in a way that actually solidified that opinion of me. My father would tell me, ‘Michael, you are not very bright, but you are a hard worker. Get a job in construction, or drive truck.’ Even though I was intelligent, I chose not to show it. Instead, I chose to drink, smoke and make poor decisions. With poor decisions, came poor grades and consequences. It wasn’t until later that I realized that wasn’t a life I had to live, and there were other options and avenues to pursue.

What was a major crossroad in your life?

Growing up, my mom was a butcher and my dad a Lieutenant Colonel in the German Military, so my home life was very structured and controlled. My mom made every meal, did my laundry, and cleaned, so much so, that I still find myself falling back into old habits when I enter their home. There’s very little of my daily routine that wasn’t calculated. Upon graduation, I entered the military, as this is a one-year minimum requirement for citizens in Germany. This included living in the barracks during the week and returning home on the weekends. I had become so used to being at home, with comfort and structure, that I would cry on Sundays, knowing I had to leave again. The plan after Basic Training was to be a cook in the Military and live at home.

It’s 1998, and I’m in my prime. I’m 21 years old when I attend our town festival ‘Karneval’. The “cool” thing at the time was to have “business cards” made with your address and the school you’re attending. My buddy made me some that had just come in that day. Before leaving that night, I gave my card to this girl. I didn’t think I’d hear from her, but a few weeks later, I got a letter in the mail. She was nannying for a family an hour from my parents. From then on out, we spent as much time together as we could before she had to leave for the States. This was my first glimpse into the possibility of life outside of the mundane routine I’d become accustomed to. That day, the festival, the business card, the timing – HER. It changed everything, forever. She later became my wife and a catalyst for the life I wanted to live.

How was the transition to the US? If you could sum up America in a phrase, what would it be?

My parents were not only devastated when I left but again when I become an official American citizen. When I got US citizenship, my mom said: “Mike, it’s like we’re losing you all over again.” It’s difficult to take on a new culture, especially when you’re so shielded from the world. Alot of things were regulated, there’s no fishing or hunting, and you also don’t have school sports. They’re separate from each other. You can’t even have a bonfire in your backyard. When you have 82 million people living in a space the size of Montana, living gets tight, you don’t have yards and some basic freedom that we’re used too here..

My one phrase to sum up America, in my opinion, is “From the dishwasher to the millionaire, America is great!”

What is the biggest mistake or failure, that has also been your greatest teacher?

My dad was my badminton coach and I was very involved with soccer. Never was I asked how the game was, or if I had fun, only if we won. If we lost, it was on me/us to continually do better and more. Winning became not only a measurement of success but also a measurement of self-worth. You won, no matter the cost. Period. That mentality carried over into my coaching when I started coaching Girls Soccer. I didn’t realize the capacity in which my actions were hurting others. I would scream on the sidelines, outraged at mistakes and losses. At a certain point, my wife quit coming to the games because of my behavior. But I didn’t care, and I didn’t know better. The win was everything, it was the only measuring tool.

A couple of years into coaching, it was mandated that we attend a conference called “Why We Play”. Apprehensive and annoyed at the thought of wasting a summer day in a conference instead of fishing, I went. There was one phrase that struck me, “You don’t work at, or win a sport, you play a sport”. This changed the way I coached from that day forward. It took a lot of introspection, and self-examination of my behaviors and my belief systems behind what sports are. I want the players to learn and grow from opportunities, not to teach through dictating from a fear-driven perspective. Instead of being a measurement of self-worth, I want them to reflect on if they put their best effort forth. I want them to know we can have personal wins, without winning the game.

I destroyed a lot of relationships with athletes and ruined their love for sports. To this day, I deeply regret those wrongs. I have learned that the most important part of teaching and coaching, is the positive impact you can have on anyone, despite their performance. There is an opportunity for growth through every “failure”. Now, I coach from the sidelines, I don’t pull a player out for every mistake or ridicule them in front of their teammates. I know they are doing the best they can at the time, and my job is to allow them to learn in a safe environment. My passion for both coaching and teaching has changed from winning to connection and support.

What is something most wouldn’t know about you?

I was a vegetarian for most of my childhood. For the longest time, I only ate bread and chocolate milk. When your mother is a butcher, this is an insult. When you don’t have a lot of control in your life, you focus on the things you can control. For me, it was what I ate. My parents took me to Psychologists to better understand what was “wrong” with me but were not successful. I didn’t know how to verbalize it at the time, but I would say it was my way of being defiant, feeling as if I had a say in one area of my life.

What is your greatest accomplishment(s)?

I would be lying if I said a primary drive behind obtaining my teaching degree, was just others’ opinions of me. The idea of the degree seemed too high of an expectation, but a challenge I was up for, largely in part of the encouragement from my wife. Although history intrigues me, I thought I could add another dynamic to teaching German by being able to share the culture from a personal perspective. Earning this degree was a huge milestone, it represents so many things to me. I am grateful to be able to teach youth, and I hope in ways that extend beyond the mandated curriculum.

Who is the most influential person in your life?

Hands down, without a doubt, my wife, Debbie. Without her, there’s a lot of things I wouldn’t be, she’s all of my reasons.

Overall, when I see things being done that I don’t agree with, or poor role models, I just try and take note of that, and do the opposite, to the best of my abilities.

**We can all learn from others’ stories! Feel free to share if this resonates with you!**

**If you’re at a ‘fork in the road’ in your life and would like additional support, book a complimentary call at www.crisisaverted.org **

From Elgin to the Eagles

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As with most things worth fighting for in life, it didn’t come easy. It wasn’t a straight line to the top and it wasn’t served on a silver platter. It was a series of events, a mixture of highs and lows, a lot of redirection, all while learning to recalibrate as I went. It took time, and it still takes a lot of daily hard work. I was fortunate enough to have amazing mentors who helped guide me. I had to learn how to be adaptable in a cut throat industry who’s competition is next to none. I’ve been higher up the ranks, only to have to start back over on the bottom, each teaching a lesson along the way. Each time, learning to make the most of where I was. My name is Carson Walch, and this is my story.

As he strives to bring the best version of himself to the team everyday, he also strives to help his team be their best. Thank you Carson, for taking time out of your busy schedule to share your story. It is one one of perseverance and inspiration for all who have doubted their path, that nothing is out of reach with hard work and dedication.

Can you give a synopsis of your journey?

Growing up in Elgin, MN brought with it the perks of a small community. Aside from the overall friendly demeanor, and the opportunity to build lifelong friendships, I’m surrounded by genuine support. I grow up watching and idolizing my older brother. Many of my life choices, surrounding football and career, mirror my brother, Travis’ choices. This includes my choice to pursue a degree in Elementary Education at Winona State University. After completing my Bachelor’s, I’m offered a free education to pursue my Masters Degree if I help coach. This is my first glimpse into loving the game, outside of playing it.

At 23, I’m making $9,000 a year getting paid to coach at Dakota State University, while cleaning restrooms during the off season. Although there were various parts of different positions that were less then “ideal”, I made the best out of every situation, knowing it was a stepping stone. The funny thing is, I never pictured myself in the realm of pro ball. It wasn’t my intentional ultimate “end goal” when I was younger. After coaching at a few colleges, I had the opportunity to come back and coach at WSU, and I loved it. I was content with the thought of this being a long term possibility. I was able to work with young men, and be apart of a game that I love. It wasn’t until I was offered a position with the CFL (Canadian Football League) that I realized my career could become something far bigger then I imagined!

Who have been the 3 most influential people in your life?

First and foremost, my parents, Dave and Peggy, and I don’t say this lightly. Growing up, my friends would tell me how lucky I was to have amazing parents. When that’s just your life, sometimes it’s hard to see because you don’t know any different. As with many things in life, the older you get, the more you appreciate just how amazing they are. Growing up, they were always in the crowd, cheering us on. No matter what it is we’re pursuing, they’re always supporting, it really is the most valuable key ingredient in parenting. They are a driving force behind my determination, I love having my friends and family along for this ride with me.

My older brother, Travis. He was a natural, watching him perform gave me the drive to continually improve myself, constantly pushing to be better, especially in sports. He’s someone I’ve always strived to be more like.

Marc Trestman opened my eyes to a new world of offensive football. He offered me my first job opportunity in pro ball in CFL and asked me to follow him to the NFL, coaching the Bears. Not only was I able to learn his wisdom of the game, but also observing how he treated people, really made me strive to be better at what I do both professionally and personally. I’m truly grateful for his (and many others) guidance through the years.

What’s the greatest advice you’ve been given?

It’s 6 am in Chicago, we’re sitting in Marc’s office in Halas Hall (the birthplace of the NFL), watching the sun rise through the big windows in his office . Marc says to me “Don’t get bored with your surroundings”. It’s easy to get caught up in the monotony of the day to day routine. Even when you’re working in an industry such as this. But it’s important to remember how fortunate we are to have the lives we do, and to be privileged enough to pursue our dreams. I think his lesson for me that day was, take the time to stop and be thankful, even in the moments of monotony.

What have been some personal lows or struggles for you?

Professionally, it was being let go of by the Chicago Bears. Up until this point, I hadn’t realized the reality surrounding job security in this profession. As one can imagine, it was a huge hit to my ego. It isn’t as easy as one may think, to find another team to take you on. I had spent so much time continually climbing the ladder, only to have to be what felt like, starting back over. I went from working with the Chicago Bears, to using the following year volunteering my time helping at the University of Minnesota, hoping something would surface permanently, even if on a college level. This was a struggle, as well as an important lesson, that nothing is forever, and in this industry, it can change quickly.

You never forget getting fired. It’s easy to go into a tailspin thinking about what everyone did wrong, but I had to take a step back and take responsibility for the role I played, instead of blaming. I had to ask myself “what could I have done better, and how can I learn from this”? I had to shift my focus on doing my job to the best of my ability. Each day I leave the building knowing I did the best I could. Winning in this industry, keeps you employed, it’s the reality of it. It is also something that can never be taken away from you. You know, as a team, you worked hard to earn that.

What is the lesson that took you the longest to learn?

People always tell you, “work hard, keep going, be good to people and some day it’ll work out”. It’s hard to believe that while you’re working hard, feeling as if tangible results aren’t in sight. I heard that for a long time, but I didn’t always believe I was going to get a break. But the lesson is, treat people good, work hard, and despite your industry or trade, know it well, and good things will come your way.

How do you maintain a healthy balance of your work and personal life?

To be honest, there isn’t a balance while in-season. When the average day is 16 hours, it’s hard to fit much else in. I am fortunate enough to have family and friends that come to our home games. I love having someone in the stands when we’re at home, but that’s the reality of getting to see them while the season is in full swing. During the off season, I live a normal life, working Monday through Friday, having more flexibility. I also don’t have kids, so I’m not affected in the way others in this industry are regarding home/family life.

What is most important to you?

The 3 F’s, which for me are, family, football and freedom. Family is at the forefront of what I do. I’m the second of four children, followed by my younger siblings, Ryan and Lindsey. They really are the driving force behind my passion to continually better myself. I love that they’re on this ride with me, and that I can offer them experiences they may not have otherwise had. Making them proud is one of my primary reasons for doing what I do.

I am fortunate enough to wake up and do what I love. Not many can say that, and I’m grateful for this opportunity. Despite the long in-season hours, it doesn’t feel like work when you’re living your hobby everyday!

Freedom in the off season to travel is something I’ve always been passionate about. I have always had a love of being by water, and traveling both domestically and internationally.

In a world of instant gratification it can be hard not to compare our everyday lives to everyone else’s “highlight reels.” Have you gotten lost in the comparison game, or is it reality to think something substantial doesn’t have to be built?

It’s easy to think “that should be me” or tell yourself you should be places you aren’t ready to be. But there’s a necessary process to getting places, even if you can’t see it at the time. You have to take the steps and learn as you go.

If you could give your younger self advice, what would it be?

When I was younger, I played ball with an extreme love and passion for the game, and I wanted to do it better then anyone else. I was the relentless competitor, but with that, came appearing as a know-it-all. It wasn’t until my late 20’s, early 30’s, that I really started asking myself “how do you want to be remembered”? I want to be remembered for my humility and just being a good guy. My advice to my younger self is, have more humility.

What “words of wisdom” do you have for both adults and youth?

Perhaps it’s because I’m in this profession, but I think it all starts and ends with respect. I really do think respect of others, especially those trying to give you (or your kids) an opportunity for growth, deserve the courtesy and trust to do what they’re hired to do. With a massive epidemic of “everyone knows best”, it’s important to spend more time building each other up, rather then tearing each other down. Many of these coaches dedicate their time and energy to give youth the opportunity to grow, and hopefully have a positive experience. It is an opportunity for them to learn to advocate for themselves, have difficult conversations and learn how to improve, while receiving constructive feedback. It’s important that we’re teaching them as adults, that we can have differences in opinions while still respecting each other.

Another sliver of advice is, listen more then you speak. This can be hard to remember at a younger age, but those that are older then you, do know a lot, because they’ve seen alot. Ask questions and listen to them, they’re full of knowledge!

What is something that is important to remember during tough times?

As hard as it may be, it is staying as evenly keeled as possible. You can’t get too caught up in the wins/loses, everyone needs to know the environment they’re walking in to each day. It’s hard to perform at max capacity when you’re unsure of what your daily environment is. I am here to be a teacher. I want to help them master their craft, get contracts and build trust. We spend alot of time together, it’s important that we have trust and good rapport.

What are your personal goals from here? How can you feel more fulfilled?

My goal is to be the best Wide Receiver Coach in the NFL. I am 2 positions away from the possibility of being a Head Coach. There are 32 Head Coaches in the NFL, and there’s 8 billion people in the world. Although I don’t feel like I’ve fully arrived yet, I know I have a lot to prove every day to stay where I am, let alone advance in this industry, but I’m up for the challenge!

What is real success to you?

Serving others. This is still a work in progress for me. It can be hard to keep this at the forefront of your mind when you’re in a market this competitive, but it really is bigger then us. It’s important to be a team player outside of the focus being on service of self.

*If this resonates, please feel free to share!**

If you’re interested in scheduling a complimentary call with Amanda about Life Coaching sessions, visit www.crisisaverted.org

Just Today

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Brighton Collage 4-2019

My mom had me at the age of 50, she thought she was going through menopause and went to the doctor, only to find out she was pregnant…with number 6 of the bunch. She cried the whole way home, and then I came along!

Welcome to the life of Bryan Brighton, a PEM High School English teacher, husband, and father of 3. Little did I know in the 10th grade, that this man, would be one of the primary reasons behind my love to write. It was not hard to enjoy his class and his enthusiasm for it. From jumping on desks to explain that there is in fact, no difference between 1 exclamation mark and 5 (who knew?), to reading “To Kill a Mockingbird”, there was a comedic seriousness when entering his room. A second descendant from England immigrants, and a man with great stories and insight, I hope you enjoy!

What was your biggest struggle in High School?

My dad passed away at the age of 59 from a heart attack. I was 13 years old. After that, I had this overwhelming fear of abandonment. I never wanted to be left behind or miss out. If my friends were meeting at 7 pm, I would show up at 6:30 just to make sure they didn’t leave without me. And it wasn’t just with particular people, it was with anyone. Being left behind wasn’t an option.

What has been the biggest life changing event for you? In what ways has it changed the way you live your life?

Going to the doctor at my lowest point, forever changed my life, as well as the ways in which I was thinking and living. After my mom passed, my depression intensified. Alot. Walking into that office came with it this instantaneous moment of release and relief. I just sat and cried, and talked. It literally saved my life. By making this decision, it opened up an entire new conversation surrounding mental health about our family history that I was unaware of.

It was amazing what surfaced once the dialogue began. I reached out to my siblings and just told them what was going on, and suggested that if they had any of these symptoms, they were worth getting checked out. Through talking, we realized there were similarities amongst us that we’ve shared and it’s also created dialogue with our children.

Another life changer, was after getting a medication change. I had maxed out on my current med, and needed to up my dose, which consisted of bringing in another medication, Wellbutrin. This was the first time in my life that the thought process of ‘if I don’t wake up tomorrow, it will be ok’, stopped. For as long as I can remember, I had this thought process daily. When at my lowest, it worsened. Even while on Celexa, I would still have these thoughts. I didn’t even realize how content I was thinking this, or that it wasn’t normal to think.

What was depression for you?

You’ll hear people say ‘those were the dark years’, but you never really understand what they mean. Until you look back at old pictures and see yourself, as if there’s this invisible weight you were carrying, and you think, oh, yep, now I get it. Those were my ‘dark years.’

Depression for me, was total and complete exhaustion, while also not sleeping at night. I’ve always struggled with not sleeping, another thing I just thought was normal. When overly tired, depression rages on my internal monologue. It will ramp up and escalate quickly. What may begin as ‘don’t forget to buy bread’, can quickly become repetitive, followed by screaming in my head, drowning out other thoughts.

My career was always the divider though. Whether in the Marines or teaching, when I entered that zone of structure, I was in my element. I knew what was coming, how to perform and was still able to be my goofy self. No one in that environment would have guessed I was struggling. But once I hit my front door, the only thing I wanted was my bed. It is exhausting to be so exhausted. My family didn’t get the best of me, instead, they got too tired, cranky me, and that wasn’t fair.

Depression for me, was flirting with the idea of yanking the steering wheel just enough to the left as a semi was approaching in oncoming traffic to end it all, more often than I care to admit.

What’s the biggest lie you’ve been told?

Before I got married, everyone always told me to enjoy being single while I could, because once you get married, it’s going to be hard work. Everyone said it takes so much to make the relationship work and stay together. I’ve been married for 25 years, and it’s the easiest thing I’ve done, and it’s been anything but work. Of course, there are things we don’t agree on, and we have to talk through it, but I don’t know that we’ve ever yelled at each other, or even hit a point of such intensity.

People will tell you ‘never quit, never give up’. And that is true in certain things. I do believe that if you start a season, project or make a commitment, you should finish it. But I also believe there are certain points in life, where you have to be okay with letting something, or someone, go.

The career tests are liars. They will tell you, if you take this test, we’ll be able to tell you what you’ll be when you grow up. I was supposed to be a Forest Ranger. So…yeah….gotta go with a lie on that one.

What comes to mind when you think about the most difficult choice, or thing you’ve had to do in your life?

Hanging in there when the only reason not to is disappointing others. Prior to getting help there were so many deep holes and so many easy ways out. You’re so tired …. all the time and just getting up every morning is like …ugghhhh. When you have little kids, a spouse, Moms and all these people that you couldn’t bear the thought of putting through the sadness, the questions, the years and lifetimes of wondering ‘what if you just keep on keeping on’? You always remember, I just have to do it today.

Feel free to share, if this story resonates with you!

Despite where we’re at in life, we can all use additional support. Let’s connect! For a complimentary phone call, visit http://www.crisisaverted.org to schedule!

About That Wall…

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bkk slums 5

During our time in Thailand, we were primarily based in Bangkok. I wanted my then, 12 year-old daughter see each end of the spectrum. I wanted her to get a glimpse of an International school, with elite education and see what a small and safe environment of learning can look like, while also getting a glimpse of poverty at its worst. This brief opportunity gave us an amazing, and also very harsh awakening into the truths of poverty and violence. As per the norm, while I’m wanting her to learn about these topics, I myself end up getting just as much, if not more, of an education! In Bangkok, the “lowest of the lows”, are the slums. The slums grew at a rapid rate after the Bangkok pig slaughterhouse was shut down. (Highly recommend the quick, easy and eye opening read, “Welcome to the Bangkok Slaughterhouse “) This was their main source of income and it employed many, maintaining a large lower to middle class and kept thousands from experiencing the true depths of poverty. When the slaughter house was closed, is where poverty grew at a substantial rate. Just to compare, this would be similar to Mayo Clinic, Rochester, being relocated or shut down. 40,000 people unemployed, immediately. Half of the state, plus thousands more, would feel the immediate affects of this. We seen this with GM in Flint, Michigan. The average household income in Flint used to be 80k. We all know this is far from the case now, as similar to Bangkok, clean running water is not a luxury. The BKK slums, consists of 2-300,000 people living under the bridge alone, along with “slum” type housing, which is where on average, 2-10 people could be sleeping in the same small shack or room, (when I say “room”, I mean half the size of an average American bedroom) with communal showers and cooking spaces.

We had the opportunity to spend a couple of days volunteering at a slum daycare/pre-kinder care. This place was simply a safe haven from 7:30-3:30 each day for kids, infant to 3 years old, to come and learn, have clean diapers, sanitary conditions, sing, dance and have nutritious meals. Most of these children were found alone in their shacks, while their parents attempted to provide during the day. Daycare isn’t exactly a luxury and working in the slums can consist of running street food carts, selling street goods (flowers, knick knacks etc), or running drugs. Anything to attempt to make a baht (their currency) or 2, anything to simply stay alive and survive another day, to some, that survival means another hit, to some it means food for their children. None of these “jobs” call for children being on the job (as we can relate). So this place provides an opportunity for kids to be safe and interact, play and learns with others.

Why do they keep reproducing you ask? Good question. When your average drop out rate in the public school system is 2nd grade, it’s safe to say basic sex education or access to contraceptives/protection probably isn’t top priority, or as obvious as one would think!

This is something I wrote while over there, that sums it up perfectly….

“I don’t care what anyone says about immigrants or refugees – and I’m not denying the fact that we have plenty of this in our own country – at the end of the day, it’s all the same song and dance – a nonstop driving force between the wealthy and poor, with next to no true, interactive help from the governments. But seriously, before you spout at the mouth – I first dare you to come to these places and see these conditions before you ever judge these people for wanting something better. We want better for our kids all the time! These are babies, innocent children added to conditions they didn’t ask for, on behalf of circumstances many of their parents didn’t ask for. It is so heartbreaking to see such despair, to think of a girl wanting to graduate as her mom has been saving 300 baht ($9 American money, we spend this daily on lattes and happy hour) to graduate, for something she worked so hard for in the hopes to better to herself, only to have it stolen from her – when we buy our kids clothes and electronics that could HOUSE these families for that money! It is not a matter of circumstance or choice, this is poverty! It breeds itself just like the wealthy breeds itself – both ignorant – just in different ways.
In the same breath – it’s so heartwarming to see what they’re doing – which is simply just trying – a little at a time to make it better, even if just for awhile. Even if these kids end up on the same path as their parents, to just be able to experience the basics – to know love, to feel a hug, to hear a compliment, to taste a meal just for a moment in time – then that has to mean something….”
This is so needed right now in a wealthy, divided country, to better understand what poverty looks like. I’m so confused how in one minute people are praising or posting that “God is great” and in the next sentence or post, we’re saying build a wall? How are these not contradictory?! We’re either in a state of division or unity, and it’s hard to be christian like, when we’re only choosing to be towards our own. I’m certainly not much a bible banger, but last I checked, that wasn’t the word of the Lord. (correct me if I’m wrong and missed that verse) I simply cannot condone shunning another, especially a parent for wanting their child to simply know what the basics of a meal, clothing, shelter and love feels like. I will never condone standing at the borders tear gassing another race that are simply seeking safety. They aren’t there with weapons, wanting to wage war, they are seeking help. We would never stand for this to happen to our own children, and yet we have no problem allowing our egos to say we can’t afford it, or they aren’t worthy, or too damn bad, go back to your own country. I know there are many sides to this debate, and I’m fully aware there is far more that goes into this then just simply letting people walk across the border, but the primary reasoning for this entry, is topics like the Hondurian Caravan, along with many, many others who have endured similar situations and asked for help. I cry watching us treat other humans, especially mothers, fathers and children with such hate and dehumanization. While we sit back on our screens, high and mighty and say build a wall?!
So, I ask, that while many are promoting this wall, or as you scuff at the site of a 3 year old getting tear gassed or a mother trying to do whatever necessary to save her child, on the off chance that they survive and are given an opportunity for something better, that you think of your own. Simply allow yourself to go to a place of despair, of complete loss and hopelessness. Allow yourself to imagine the thought of sending your 7 year old to school, with the constant concern of the drug cartel walking in and hand picking them at random. Selling the girls to the sex trafficking and training the boys to be a “soldier”. Now imagine, being a teacher in those schools, attempting to protect these innocent children, only to be shot at point blank when resisting. Imagine being a parent who is told your child has been taken and there is no opportunity to save them. Knowing they’ll be forced to feed a horrific cause, drugged, sold, raped and taught to kill. And then tell me you wouldn’t do the same for your family and children if you were forced into these conditions. Build the wall, don’t build the wall, side Democratic or Republican, Pro-Trump, anti-Trump, I really don’t care, but choose to see these situations simply as a human being, nothing more. Not as an American, as white, black, middle-class or upper-class or inferior, superior, but simply beyond money or greed. I don’t care what news station covered what story or what half truth they’re each telling, this is basic human compassion for another in hard times. When you drop the labels around another person, you see it’s just a person in need. We have all been in these positions and been fortunate enough to have those around us to help us, that weren’t all drowning at the same time. I’m not asking for anyone to change their political views or to provide a platform for further fighting, hate and division, I just want you to look at your kids, your parents, your siblings, families and neighbors and picture yourself in a reverse situation, would you still want a wall then?
bkk house of praise kids cropped

The Beginning

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Jos sr pic hammock

Jos sr pic bench

 

 

 

 

 

She is the face behind the face of the company, Crisis Averted. The real story. The reason it launched and exists. Most companies begin with credentials that include a 4-year bachelors degree with a major and a minor in specific fields of study. I’m often asked if I have a Psychology degree, if I’m a licensed counselor or if I’m paid by the public school systems. The answer is “no” to all. Which usually follows by a puzzled look of what exactly Life Coaching is or what these public speaking engagements could possibly include!

This companies credentials begin with the face in the picture. Her name is Josie. It began with a death by suicide. Then a phone call. The one that changes everything. The one where you realize never again would you be who you once were. It began with the cold hard truth of what that really looks like and how absolutely terrible it is to feel so helpless, not being able to save another human being from the depths of their own hell. Even worse, was not knowing it was anywhere near that bad. It followed with unending guilt, depression and sadness that words can’t describe. The heaviness of her pain was instantaneously transferred to those left behind.

Then, it was being forced to walk the same path she did. One I simply could never understand prior. It was being buried in a pillow that I never wanted to leave. Followed by the bottle. The bottle of booze, the bottle of meds, (never ending medications to “fix” me), a pack of marlboros and even more external toxicity at every corner. After learning how to overcome those, it was learning to feel again without constant numbing. And I am not going to lie when I say that was more painful then any hang over! From there was acceptance. Which, on days like today, can feel light years away. Then there was forgiveness of self. Shit, that one my friends, is the toughest mountain to climb!

11 years ago, I wouldn’t have guessed this is what would’ve stemmed from something so atrocious. There was this silent pull to keep moving, even in the depths of chaos. Blindly putting one foot in front of the other. Stumbling backwards, falling, getting back up. Doors slammed shut, while others opened. This company, this mission, me, as a person – stems from her, her life and even more so, her death and the lessons that followed. They are my credentials, they are more then any text book or shiny degree could offer. Its debt comes with one that no number can justify. It began with the worst outcome imaginable and has turned into what I can only hope, will be the best thing possible. I can’t save her, perhaps she was never ours to save. I can’t go back and redo one single second of it. But I can change it from here on out.

You see, it isn’t about mental illness, it’s about mental health. It isn’t about fixing, it’s about growing. It isn’t about numbing, it’s about feeling. It isn’t about resistance, it’s about acceptance. It isn’t about them, it’s about us. It isn’t about external blame, it’s about internal peace. It’s about learning all of these, and then continually relearning them over and over again. It’s about what we’re here for. The life we want to live, one with passion, purpose and fulfillment. And most of all, it’s about healing.

http://www.crisisaverted.org

You aren’t alone and your story isn’t for nothing.

Jos and I senior pic

Jos & I country fest 06

Our Youth

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Customized Class 1

After listening to hundreds of students feedback ranging from Jr. to Sr. High, I can’t help but wonder if I would know my own child’s response if it were in front of me. In fact, I wonder if most parents would know their know their child’s response. We’re so good as parents, teachers and adults of just assuming we know best. We assume that because we like something, our kids will too. We assume they don’t see parts of us we don’t want them to see. We assume they don’t pick up on the silence, on the tone, or the expectations we place before them. We assume that because our experiences have been a certain way, theirs must be the same. And that’s assuming that any would engage in these deeper levels of conversation, with true honesty. I’m guilty of all of the above.

How many times do we, as parents allow our kids the platform to speak outside of “how was your day?” How many times do we take time to consciously engage in deeper conversations, on a more regular basis. How often do we self reflect on where things within our homes may need attention before pointing the blame on our kids or teachers? After all, our kids are simply repeating most of our own behaviors. Are we taking the time to really listen? I know I’m good for wanting to just fix it, or make it go away, instead of letting them feel and learn that feeling is part of it, even the not so pretty stuff. I want to make it all better instead of allowing them to speak for themselves and have a voice. Also guilty on all charges.

Are we aware of the apps that are on their devices, the messages or snaps being sent? Would we realize if they were self harming? Would we have any clue that the reason they’re acting out may have more to do with what’s happening on a device, at school or at home, then perhaps even the current situation? Would we know if they were hurting to the extent they’ve considered ending their lives? Sounds intense, right? Well, I invite you to get a glimpse into their lives, because I can promise you, it can be far different then they sometimes lead on, and these are plenty of our own children answering with these responses. Now that we’ve heard from parents and teachers, please, take the time to read, to listen and to engage in these deeper conversations in your homes. They’re so desperately needed. They have voices, not only do they need to be heard, but they deserve to be heard, for they’re powerful.

*Please note: The intention of this entry isn’t to shame anyone, it’s simply to bring awareness to our blind spots as adults, as we all have them, especially when it comes to our own children. It’s simply to bring awareness to today’s youth, they way they may be feeling and opening up a different dynamic of conversation at the dinner table.**

What do you feel is the biggest struggle being in SCHOOL?

“Keeping good grades and trying to be at your best 100% of the time”.

“Being able to balance sports, homework and relationships”.

“Feeling like I have to take on everything and make it perfect for my parents and friends to accept me.”

“Always trying to fit in, I never know what music I should listen to, sports I should play or things I should like, just to get people to like me”

“Always worried about my next test or what my grade will be and if I’ll get into college.”

“Constantly being told and reminded I’m not good enough”

“Trying not to get caught up in judgement. That’s all high school is, is constantly feeling judged by other students, friends and teachers”.

“Expected to stay focused all day everyday, at school and at home”.

“Feeling like teachers act like the students, trying to be cool or favoring or judging. Not having that safe place at school.”

“If I’m not in sports, I don’t belong”

“It can feel like a war zone some days, always trying to fit in and avoid being judged, it can be really tiring”

What is your biggest struggle at HOME?

“I am on my phone alot at home, most of us are. We used to eat together and do more things together, now I’m just always in my room on my device.”

“My parents fighting over who is more right or who is the better parent”

“Switching houses constantly. I feel like once I finally get settled into one house, I go to the next.”

“Always feeling like I need to be studying or on the court – it’s never enough.”

“My mom/dad struggle with anxiety and depression, it’s hard not to be sad when they’re sad or not get caught up in their emotional struggles.”

“Trying to make my parents happy”

“Having parents that don’t fight”

“Time management”

“My mom struggles with anxiety. It’s hard to watch and it makes me have anxiety when she’s having an attack.”

“Addiction. My dad drinks alot, it makes it really hard on my siblings and I, we just try to avoid him so he doesn’t get mad.”

“Watching my sister have really bad depression and has to leave the home to get help so she stops hurting herself.”

“My brother had a really bad last year, it was so hard on my family, I think it’s better now though. I hope so.”

“Listening to my parents talk smack about each other and to each other about who is the worst parent.”

How can those around you better SUPPORT you?

“Just listen”

“Don’t try and fix me all the time”

“Stop trying to make me be perfect”

“Just pay attention to me and what I’m saying and don’t yell when I do talk”

“Ask me more questions and check in on me from time to time”

“Let me be imperfect”

“Let me be me, I’m not you.”

 

 

Your Story

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Blog - StoriesNovember 14th, 2007 marks the “9-11” of my world. A date that became a dreaded day in my history book, one that shook me to my core, a depth I didn’t know was possible. This day not only marked the death of my sister, but the death of me as the person I had become thus far in life. As the years have unfolded I’ve realized how many times I’ve died, how many old layers and stories I’ve shed. But as with any death, both physical and metaphorical – comes birth. It’s funny how much we don’t realize or focus on that. With every loss of a person, relationship, home or possession comes new opportunity – assuming we’re willing to see it. We spend so much time looking back at that closed door trying to figure out how we could’ve left it open, that we blind ourselves from seeing the beauty that lies ahead.

There are times I’ve wondered – had she not died, would I have still found my passion? Would I be transitioning out of the corporate world to focus on revolutionizing and bringing awareness to a new paradigm around mental and emotional health? Would I have learned the same valuable lessons personally so I could connect and teach others? Would I have realized that it has little to do with labels and more to do with the underlying components, the ones we’ve all suppressed and forced ourselves to bury and forget? Lets be honest, I’ve always been good at expanding and pushing the limits, but would I have done it in a way that caused more pain and disruption, instead of healing and liberation? Would I have started a blog? One that began with my own story and  shifted into the love of telling others real and raw stories? Ones not only of trauma and heartache, but of love and healing? Perhaps we’re all still going where we were originally headed, but her decision, one that left a ripple – shifted my course to this path. A path that has pushed me to the depths of some very dark valleys, and pushed me even harder up the mountains. I don’t want this to be my only story – her death was the start of my story, and one I hope overflows to many others stories. Your greatest strengths really do lie in your deepest pain. Those are the very wounds that are there for a reason you have yet to discover, the ones that will not only break you down – but to break you open. Those are the turning points in your life that are pushing to you to new depths. It isn’t about allowing this to be your only story, it’s about pushing yourself to a new one. It isn’t about going with the norm, it’s about reinventing the norm. And it isn’t about her death as much as it is the life that can be birthed from it. The realization that in a world that often feels hopeless, there is still plenty of it. And that starts with us – that starts with the death of old stories and the pain we’ve held so tightly too, and allowing ourselves to rise from it. Its about being true to ourselves, instead of attaching ourselves to others. This blog began with telling my own story, but has blossomed into the realization that we all have one to tell. It has made me realize it isn’t things or surface conversations that connect us, its real life pain and emotion that help us realize, we aren’t that different from each other. To realize we all have something to offer, because noone has the same story, with the same perspective and emotion as yours has held.

So I leave you with this – if you had to think of all the stories you had to tell, what one do you want people to know? Will you tell the one people see from the outside just to please their pallet? Or will you tell them the one that sits deep in your soul? Will you show up in the world in the way it wants you too, or will you show up in a way that offers a deeper truth? Are you allowing old stories to play on rerun, numbing what lays beneath the surface? I have many stories to tell over my life, and especially the past 10 years – all bits and pieces of me, but none of which own me. The story I want to tell 10 years later isn’t the same – in fact its message is very different – this time, its one of awareness, hope and liberation. And for that I am grateful. So thank you Josie for the never ending lessons as I navigate through, thank you for the reminder that your death is not for nothing and that all things can be born again if we allow them.