This spoke to me loud and clear. That’s what I felt like after writing the last post – gutted. And it’s only the beginning! Isn’t it funny how things in your head play out so differently then they do when they’re in front of you? Who can’t relate to that, right?! You see, this blog – in my head would be my story – and I knew that it would be tough to some degree, but all in all – writing comes naturally to me. I’ve been told it’s how I cope and channel – once I sit down it doesn’t take me long to put a couple pages in front of me. So, in my pretty little dream – I guess I was thinking this was going to consist of my past journal entries. Which, many have been hell to write and hell to relive – but I didn’t take into consideration that I had to have a starting point. For all those that don’t know me or my story – it wasn’t as easy as copying and pasting as I assumed. So, while trying to figure out where to begin and how to see it on paper from an outside perspective of a person that doesn’t know the basics of my life, let alone the behind the scenes – I realized I was going to have to go back to uncharted waters prior to 2007. What life was like then – the ‘before’ – the ‘pre-Josie’ era.
It’s quite interesting to see what that entailed for me. Gutted was a perfect term to describe it, that’s exactly what I felt like – and I’ve only barely scratched the layer of something far bigger then I realized initially. I not only have to attempt to make the format ‘reader friendly’, versus slapping it all in a journal entry, but I have to go back and dig up different parts that I didn’t think I’d have too. I guess in my mind, the only ‘detramental’ things in my life have been after the fact, so I never imagined reviewing the priors would stir up so much!
I don’t know how many more times I can be told, ‘everything is always in perfect timing. Every time you want to move forward with your life, every time you want to shed a layer and clear it – be ready for what will follow. Be ready for the hurricane of emotions, thoughts and feelings to arise. The ones that you probably didn’t know you had! Be ready for the rawness of every cell in your body to be stripped. Be ready for things to surface that you didn’t know you needed to address. And once it does, and you allow it to enter you and feel it through, KEEP GOING. Keep peeling away the layers, ripping off the bandages, just to find 10 more to follow. Allow yourself, for once in your life to be vulnerable. Allow yourself to take off the armor, put down the shield and just open yourself up to the things you’ve forced yourself to bury and hide from. Because for as much as you want to help others, and may be through your writing – you’re being forced to help yourself more. As many times as I need that reminder, it’s still hard to comprehend when the going gets tough and the wear and tear starts to settle.
But when I read words such as this (esp. by Cheryl Strayed) and I think back to all the coulda, shoulda, wouldas – I think to myself – ‘self (ha) imagine if everyone had this opportunity? Imagine if everyone started doing and saying and better expressing their raw, and true emotions? What if people were more excepting and respectful of those that did? I don’t mean out of anger, sarcasm, hate or pain – but just out love and letting it all go? A true, heart to heart and face to face conversation of where their story began, starting with the details of their childhood, the good and the bad. Whether it be with another person, a mirror, or a journal? What a lighter load it’d be to carry if we all had the opportunity to release the pent up things we’ve held for so long, even if they are painful to say out loud? And even if the other person wasn’t accepting of it, what if we could just feel better for releasing it?
When I think back to Josie – I think of all of the things she internalized – for all the times we’ve said ‘if we had been more _____’ Well, maybe we still can be – maybe that’s where we need to start – just by putting down the armor and shield in constant defense of what might come next. Who might piss us off or offend us, who might hurt us, who might annoy us, or be a nuisance next. Or, who we may upset on some level, the fear of never wanting to rock the boat, but knowing deep down in our soul it’s apart of you. So, I guess for all of the feedback I’ve gotten on this blog thus far – I invite you all to keep to that in mind…as I continue to peel back the layers of my story – I invite you to do the same in yours. Think about how you can relate, or why you relate, or perhaps you can simply relate a little easier to someone else. I guess that is the start to any healing revolution – putting yourself out there – to be gutted – and it doesn’t have to be in public like myself or Cheryl Strayed – but instead of being so worried about what the person next to you may say, or your spouse may think of you – maybe facing your own story from the beginning is the start of something painful – but also something so liberating! Just some food for thought as I continue 🙂
Continue reading Heaviest of Baggage
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