That’s what I felt like after writing the last post – gutted. And it’s really only the beginning of the story…the details. Isn’t it funny how things in your head play out so differently then they do when they’re in front of you? I’m realizing I didn’t take into consideration that I need to have a starting point. I realized I was going to have to go back to uncharted waters prior to 2007. What life was like then – the ‘pre-Josie’ era. That one word, “gutted”, summed it up perfectly, as it’s exactly how I felt.

I don’t know how many more times I can be told, ‘everything is always in perfect timing. Every time you want to move forward with your life, every time you want to shed a layer, be ready for what will follow. Be ready for the hurricane of emotions, thoughts and feelings to arise. The ones that you probably didn’t know you had. Be ready for the rawness of every cell in your body to be stripped. Be ready for things to surface that you didn’t know you needed to address. And once it does, and you allow it to enter you and feel it through, KEEP GOING. Keep peeling away the layers, ripping off the bandages, but know that there will be 10 more to follow. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Allow yourself to take off the armor, put down the shield and just open yourself up to the things you’ve forced yourself to bury and hide from. Because for as much as you want to help others, you’re being forced to help yourself more. As many times as I need that reminder, it’s still hard to comprehend when the going gets tough.

When I think back to all the coulda, shoulda, wouldas – I think to myself – ‘self’ (ha) imagine if everyone had this opportunity? Imagine if everyone started doing and saying and better expressing their raw, and true emotions? What if people were more accepting and respectful of those that did? I don’t mean out of anger, sarcasm, hate or pain – but just out love and letting it all go? A true, heart to heart and face to face conversation of where their story began, starting with the details of their childhood. Whether it be with another person, a mirror, or a journal? What a lighter load it’d be to carry if we all had the opportunity to release the pent up things we’ve held for so long, even if they are painful to say out loud? And even if the other person wasn’t accepting of it, what if we could just feel better for releasing it?

When I think back to Josie – I think of all of the things she internalized – for all the times we’ve said ‘if we had been more _____’ Well, maybe we still can be – maybe that’s where we need to start – just by putting down the armor and shield in constant defense of what might come next. Who might piss us off or offend us, who might hurt us, who might annoy us, or be a nuisance next. Or, who we may upset on some level, the fear of never wanting to rock the boat, but knowing deep down in our soul it’s apart of you. For all of the feedback I’ve gotten thus far – I invite you all to keep that in mind…as I continue to peel back the layers of my story – I invite you to do the same in yours. Think about how you can relate, or why you relate, or perhaps you can simply relate a little easier to someone else. It is the beginning of any healing revolution – allowing yourself to be gutted – instead of being worried about what the person next to you may say, or your spouse may think of you – maybe facing your own story from the beginning is the start of something painful – but also something so liberating! 

Continue reading Heaviest of Baggage

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