Let’s just go back and unravel a few things that related to the last entry. Due to the response I got on it, it clearly hit home to many.
I named this gluttony and starvation because on so many levels that was my life – overindulging while starving myself simultaneously. Seems a bit insane, right? If I wasn’t drowning myself in booze and partying I was starving myself from food, if I was overeating I was withdrawing from my social life (damn scale and jeans that keep shrinking ;). It seemed there really wasn’t a time I wasn’t doing one and/or the other, and certainly no balance between the 2!
I’m willing to bet there are few that can’t apply this to their life as well . Whether it’s short or long term, we’ve all been in those shitty funks! It’s those plumets rock bottom that get devoured by the guilt and shame. The thoughts and feelings of being so abnormal because you can’t be the person you once were. Then the expectation related to those thoughts and feelings, both by yourself and others around you. On a totally unconscious level we bury them as deep as we can, whether it be booze, nose candy, smoking, sex, working out or food. Then there’s the other end of the spectrum, starving and depriving ourselves, from food, healthy relationships, fun, from a job we might actually like or are passionate about. It wasn’t just physical either, to say I was emotionally unbalanced was an understatement! But, then again, emotions are triggered by mental thoughts. If I wasn’t overly judgemental I was excessively sad or angry. If I wasn’t sad I was on a high that followed a terrible crash.
I always thought that I didn’t deserve it, that I was less then it, that until I could change my demeanor, weight, looks or attitude, I didn’t deserve all, or any goodness in my life. “It” is referring to whatever it was outside of me that I wanted.
I always justified how I didn’t deserve it or wasn’t good enough for ‘it’ or ‘them’. And, there were plenty of things outside of me that reiterated that as well. I mean has anyone looked at a magazine cover – and then tried to look in the mirror?! Pffff, kudos to all of you who can accept every single aspect of yourself! I mean, really – KUDOS! (Please tell me your secret!) Can you can love every piece of the extra 10 pounds you carry? The cellulite, the wrinkles, the stretch marks? Can you appreciate yourself inside out, good with the bad and your journey – without having a laundering list of things you had to sacrifice to get it? I couldn’t and it’s still a HUGE daily struggle for me!
I was always in competition when in it came to relationships too, whether it be with the bottle or other women, fearful of which would ‘win’ next. So after awhile I subconsciously began to like that game because it’s what I knew. So again, I starved myself from freedom, from relationships where I didn’t have to feel I needed to compete or fight or be controlled and over indulged in what I had become to know. I stayed on account of obligation, whether it be a social event we had coming up, or a trip or the way others guilted me into it, I always stayed far longer then I should’ve. And when a decent relationship actually did surface, I had no idea what to do with it! I didn’t know how to get along, how to not feel insecure, how not to be jealous or untrusting. It was a foreign language to me.
On a gut level, I always knew what was right. Always. There are few times I can’t recall exactly having those thoughts and feelings and talking myself right back into the vicious cycle! I’ve always had killer intuition, but not necessarily one that I’ve acted upon. Instead, I hated myself more! I hated myself for that slice of pizza, that piece of cake, one drink that followed the next. Then there’s the guilt that follows the choice that follows the result. The number on the scale because I ate it, the hangover because I drank it, the embarrasement because I said or did it, the guilt for not allowing the good to stay in my life. Just keep it coming! But hey, misery needs company too, right?!
And just like with all lies in life, I really started to believe all of it, down to the core.
So, for all of you that can relate to at least some aspect of this – you aren’t alone – not even a little bit. And I’m far from beyond it! I’m still learning how to work through it, how to remove myself from the places, people and things I don’t like about my life that I feel are adding to my already heavy baggage. And it isn’t all outside of me, alot of it is taking control of my own thoughts, acknowledging these things have been brewing and trying to peel away what seems like an unending amount of layers!
For all who contacted me on the last entry, thank you. It’s helpful to have feedback, and as happy as I was for it, I’m sorry so many can relate to these valleys. But, I guess talking and being open is the first step to awareness, and to healing. Funny how clearing the white elephant in the room makes that baggage seem alot lighter, eh?! 🙂
Continue reading Rear view mirror
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