There were many years I really thought I was different. I truly believed it was impossible to take any more blows. And I was quite sure that there was no humanly way possible to survive them if I was forced to take another hit. I thought I was the only one that endured that kind of tragedy and pain to the extent I did and within the short amount of time that I did. And in the same breath I’d find myself looking around and thinking ‘don’t complain, it can always be worse, you have so much to be grateful for.’ But I was wrong – about most of it actually.
If there’s one common thing I’ve noticed from all of the feedback I’ve received in regards to this blog, it’s that everyone comments about how their story is less significant then mine. That they shouldn’t complain because all in all they have it good and life isn’t that bad, or that their story is nothing compared to mine. I’d just like to say – that is totally not the case, and it really isn’t fair. It isn’t fair to all of you that feel that way, because my story is no more or less then any of yours.
Maybe by constantly feeling as if I had to bury it, that I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to complain, vent or cry about it – I was only making it worse. Maybe feeling like my circumstances were less then so many others or that I didn’t have the right to feel and think the way I did, only prolonged my healing further. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I had alot of safe havens and wonderfully supportive people in my life (God only knows they listened to me like a broken record of the Titanic song replaying over and oveeeeer!! 😉 But while I had that outlet I was still always thinking I didn’t have the right to feel bad, sad or mad about certain parts of it. And more importantly I think the focus of those venting sessions were being placed on things and people that, at the time I thought were the issues. Primarily because I couldn’t say what I was actually thinking, or perhaps I just didn’t allow myself to go there mentally. It was as if the only emotion tied to her was sadness and the only one tied to him was anger. I couldn’t be mad at her or sad over him because it wasn’t her fault she felt that way and I couldn’t cry about someone who I was supposed to be happy I was rid of. It’s as if it’s ingrained in us to always remember ‘it could be worse’ or ‘at least you aren’t them!’ So, while I had outlets, I was always playing this game with myself that I needed to quit, needed to get over it, needed to stop thinking or feeling certain things as they arose. So, instead I’d go back to my default emotion and cry or rage depending on which one it pertained too 😉
There’s this constant comparison in our world that we always need to shut up and just be thankful. And while I do agree with always remembering be grateful for all we do have, I still don’t think we should have to undermine certain situations and circumstances. We have every right to endure them in whatever manner we need too in order to work through them. It’s as if we can better justify what’s going on in our life at the time by doing things such as self talk like ‘get over it’ or ‘just be grateful’. Maybe that’s why we endure those relationships for far longer then we ever should’ve allowed, wallow in guilt or pity towards others, staying bound to their ways, or stay in our own hellhole of a prison, induced by depression and self hate for years beyond what was needed. Maybe by just owning it and feeling every terrible aspect of it, we’d be able to move through and above it faster.
Now, 8 years after her death and almost 7 after my seperation, I’ve had to relive every dirty and sickening detail of both! And each time they’ve resurfaced, they’ve come back at a greater intensity because of it. So, maybe you should scream into your pillow when you need too, cry in the middle of the store because you thought for a split second you seen ta glimpse of them, laugh because that song that just came on triggered a memory of something funny. Maybe there isn’t an answer for everything, maybe we need to feel it for what it is because it’s our story. Maybe the constant comparison is doing nothing but driving us all deeper into a state of hell and oblivion. Maybe instead of thinking we’re entitled to all the material things around us, we should realize we’re entitled to our emotions surrounding our circumstances. Maybe then there’d be less holes in the walls or terrible things said and done, maybe there’d be less depressive states, less cheating, less hate and anger. Maybe if we’d just allow ourselves to act or react at the time that the actual emotion occurs instead of telling ourselves how ridiculous we’ll look crying for no reason, or screaming in our car at a red light is taboo, the only ones we’re hurting is ourselves.
If there’s one thing I haven’t questioned about all of the new things I’ve learned in the past year, it’s healing comes from within, and it comes from noone but ourselves. Maybe when we start to let go of expectation and outside judgement of what this or that is going to look like and just start being a little truer to our emotions as they arise, truer to our journey and hardships as they cross our paths, maybe we can move forward – for real. So, it’s OK if you feel like your world is falling apart on account of a break-up, or that you won’t survive if you loose your parent to a disease, or that you can’t possibly face another soul in public after an embarrassing sharade at the local saloon or that you’ll be a let down if you lose your job. It’s OK because I know what all of them feel like, and still do to some extent. But when you look at the grand scheme of things – it’s terrible right then and there. but it was also terrible in 9th grade when the opposite sex turned you down too. It was terrible when you rolled your car in your driveway (oh no wait, maybe I’m the only one that’s ever done that 😉 ahahahaaa It was terrible to get the rejection letter to your college of choice or first pick job. Alot of things have been terrible in your life, and at the time, they needed to be and they were warranted for their own reasons, but we also survived them too. Maybe the trick to surviving has more to do with being OK that things are shit right then, and less to do with comparing our story to the next persons. Maybe while saying our ‘gratefuls’ we can also curse and cry about the things that aren’t so great. Either way, it’s worth a try to allow yourself to feel every corner of grief, of loss, of the unknown, of being scared shitless, of anger, rage hate, fear, sadness and love all at once! (Yep, there are days it happens just like that – one big ball of ‘holy shit – I’m laughing through my tears while punching my pillow! ha As different and unique as all of our stories are in so many ways, maybe our reactions behind them aren’t as crazy as they may seem, or not to the extent that we feed ourselves anyways. 😉
Continue reading Blind Faith
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