There are times in your life where you’ll be standing at a fork in the road, and not even realize how detrimental this one decision can be. How vast a contrast one decision from another really is. Or how it will alter your entire life. This was me when I decided to leave Germany to follow the love of my life to the States. This was the difference between expansion and stagnation. This wasn’t just a turning point, it was the turning point.
This is Michael Heppner; Husband, father, German Teacher, and Boys Soccer Coach, but his story holds so much value beneath that. I respect his ability to self reflect, and not only observe past faults and take ownership but also a willingness to correct them, is something we can all learn from. Thank you for taking the time to share the parts of you that make you who you are today.
Can you think of a time you were untrue to yourself?
Honestly, I spent from the day I was born, to 19 years old, always trying to be something or someone that I wasn’t. I came from an environment that reinforced that the external mattered more than the internal. This was a part of an era that many can relate to, perhaps you could say a generational way of thinking. These outside markers were of utmost importance…the win, the grade, the success…always measuring.
My brother was held to a very high standard, there were expectations to be a teacher and do big things in life. He was very intelligent and met the standards given, however, this wasn’t the same for me. There were predetermined opinions and expectations of me as well, most of which I felt were negative. Instead of proving them wrong by showing them who I truly was, I behaved in a way that actually solidified that opinion of me. My father would tell me, ‘Michael, you are not very bright, but you are a hard worker. Get a job in construction, or drive truck.’ Even though I was intelligent, I chose not to show it. Instead, I chose to drink, smoke and make poor decisions. With poor decisions, came poor grades and consequences. It wasn’t until later that I realized that wasn’t a life I had to live, and there were other options and avenues to pursue.
What was a major crossroad in your life?
Growing up, my mom was a butcher and my dad a Lieutenant Colonel in the German Military, so my home life was very structured and controlled. My mom made every meal, did my laundry, and cleaned, so much so, that I still find myself falling back into old habits when I enter their home. There’s very little of my daily routine that wasn’t calculated. Upon graduation, I entered the military, as this is a one-year minimum requirement for citizens in Germany. This included living in the barracks during the week and returning home on the weekends. I had become so used to being at home, with comfort and structure, that I would cry on Sundays, knowing I had to leave again. The plan after Basic Training was to be a cook in the Military and live at home.
It’s 1998, and I’m in my prime. I’m 21 years old when I attend our town festival ‘Karneval’. The “cool” thing at the time was to have “business cards” made with your address and the school you’re attending. My buddy made me some that had just come in that day. Before leaving that night, I gave my card to this girl. I didn’t think I’d hear from her, but a few weeks later, I got a letter in the mail. She was nannying for a family an hour from my parents. From then on out, we spent as much time together as we could before she had to leave for the States. This was my first glimpse into the possibility of life outside of the mundane routine I’d become accustomed to. That day, the festival, the business card, the timing – HER. It changed everything, forever. She later became my wife and a catalyst for the life I wanted to live.
How was the transition to the US? If you could sum up America in a phrase, what would it be?
My parents were not only devastated when I left but again when I become an official American citizen. When I got US citizenship, my mom said: “Mike, it’s like we’re losing you all over again.” It’s difficult to take on a new culture, especially when you’re so shielded from the world. Alot of things were regulated, there’s no fishing or hunting, and you also don’t have school sports. They’re separate from each other. You can’t even have a bonfire in your backyard. When you have 82 million people living in a space the size of Montana, living gets tight, you don’t have yards and some basic freedom that we’re used too here..
My one phrase to sum up America, in my opinion, is “From the dishwasher to the millionaire, America is great!”
What is the biggest mistake or failure, that has also been your greatest teacher?
My dad was my badminton coach and I was very involved with soccer. Never was I asked how the game was, or if I had fun, only if we won. If we lost, it was on me/us to continually do better and more. Winning became not only a measurement of success but also a measurement of self-worth. You won, no matter the cost. Period. That mentality carried over into my coaching when I started coaching Girls Soccer. I didn’t realize the capacity in which my actions were hurting others. I would scream on the sidelines, outraged at mistakes and losses. At a certain point, my wife quit coming to the games because of my behavior. But I didn’t care, and I didn’t know better. The win was everything, it was the only measuring tool.
A couple of years into coaching, it was mandated that we attend a conference called “Why We Play”. Apprehensive and annoyed at the thought of wasting a summer day in a conference instead of fishing, I went. There was one phrase that struck me, “You don’t work at, or win a sport, you play a sport”. This changed the way I coached from that day forward. It took a lot of introspection, and self-examination of my behaviors and my belief systems behind what sports are. I want the players to learn and grow from opportunities, not to teach through dictating from a fear-driven perspective. Instead of being a measurement of self-worth, I want them to reflect on if they put their best effort forth. I want them to know we can have personal wins, without winning the game.
I destroyed a lot of relationships with athletes and ruined their love for sports. To this day, I deeply regret those wrongs. I have learned that the most important part of teaching and coaching, is the positive impact you can have on anyone, despite their performance. There is an opportunity for growth through every “failure”. Now, I coach from the sidelines, I don’t pull a player out for every mistake or ridicule them in front of their teammates. I know they are doing the best they can at the time, and my job is to allow them to learn in a safe environment. My passion for both coaching and teaching has changed from winning to connection and support.
What is something most wouldn’t know about you?
I was a vegetarian for most of my childhood. For the longest time, I only ate bread and chocolate milk. When your mother is a butcher, this is an insult. When you don’t have a lot of control in your life, you focus on the things you can control. For me, it was what I ate. My parents took me to Psychologists to better understand what was “wrong” with me but were not successful. I didn’t know how to verbalize it at the time, but I would say it was my way of being defiant, feeling as if I had a say in one area of my life.
What is your greatest accomplishment(s)?
I would be lying if I said a primary drive behind obtaining my teaching degree, was just others’ opinions of me. The idea of the degree seemed too high of an expectation, but a challenge I was up for, largely in part of the encouragement from my wife. Although history intrigues me, I thought I could add another dynamic to teaching German by being able to share the culture from a personal perspective. Earning this degree was a huge milestone, it represents so many things to me. I am grateful to be able to teach youth, and I hope in ways that extend beyond the mandated curriculum.
Who is the most influential person in your life?
Hands down, without a doubt, my wife, Debbie. Without her, there’s a lot of things I wouldn’t be, she’s all of my reasons.
Overall, when I see things being done that I don’t agree with, or poor role models, I just try and take note of that, and do the opposite, to the best of my abilities.
**We can all learn from others’ stories! Feel free to share if this resonates with you!**
**If you’re at a ‘fork in the road’ in your life and would like additional support, book a complimentary call at www.crisisaverted.org **
November 14th, 2007 marks the “9-11” of my world. A date that became a dreaded day in my history book, one that shook me to my core, a depth I didn’t know was possible. This day not only marked the death of my sister, but the death of me as the person I had become thus far in life. As the years have unfolded I’ve realized how many times I’ve died, how many old layers and stories I’ve shed. But as with any death, both physical and metaphorical – comes birth. It’s funny how much we don’t realize or focus on that. With every loss of a person, relationship, home or possession comes new opportunity – assuming we’re willing to see it. We spend so much time looking back at that closed door trying to figure out how we could’ve left it open, that we blind ourselves from seeing the beauty that lies ahead.
We’ve all experienced those moments of life altering, earth shattering pain. The one that forces you into your body, to awaken you from a state of cruise control. It comes in many different forms, at different points in our lives, all on a different scale, having a different effect but it is one that refuses to be anything but felt. At 16, it’s the break up with your first boyfriend, perhaps later a divorce. For a firefighter it’s going to a call only to be forced to watch a family watch their home be devoured by flames, to the EMT it’s responding to a fatal accident. To a soldier it’s pulling the trigger for the first time on another life, or perhaps watching one of his own men being taken by another. It’s the phone call of an unexpected death, the diagnosis of a disease, watching another’s life end before your eyes. It’s watching a child go hungry, die from lack of vaccinations or a fatal disease. It’s losing a job, the function of a body part, or the aftermath of a natural disaster. All of which demand the attention of the human emotions, as if jolted into the current reality, one where time literally seems to stop. The cruise control has been halted, from 60 to 0.
Revolution.07 