Inside Looking Out – Joshua

February 12, 2017September 1, 2022 / Revolution.07 / 5 Comments

“My Name is Joshua Kuhlmann. I am an alcoholic. I am a meth and heroine addict, but only when accompanied by alcohol.” This is how I would’ve identified myself the last time I walked into treatment. I was 39 years old, this was approximately my 9th round of treatment, 2nd round of inpatient. This time I knew it was the last time, I felt it deep within me, I was finally bowing out of this life I became to know and rely on.

For all the thoughts and words that come to mind when we hear words such as “recovering meth or heroine addict” – vulnerable, courageous and inspirational most likely aren’t on the top of many’s list. When actually, those are the words that are deserved for anyone who has succumbed to any type of an addiction, and especially the wrath of harsh substances such as these. To not be able to see your life beyond your next sip or hit, to have your mind so overtaken by something that literally owns and destroys you, as well as every facet of your body and life, is something many more know then society cares to recognize. This is not always what it may seem from the outside looking in, it’s far deeper then that. It’s a world of it’s own that only exists to those caught in it’s darkness – it’s mental illness in another realm – masked by and numbed by a substance. To hear someone’s countless stories of being at the bottom of this barrel for years on end, only to see them a year later, an entirely different and new being – watching them rebuild their life literally one minute, hour or day at a time is quite amazing. To beat the mindset of knowing that at any minute they could go back to any of it with a simple phone call – is inspirational!

Thank you Josh, for not only sharing your story, but teaching and reminding me what the meaning of truly being one’s self looks like. To be forced to function in every single area of your life with total and complete surrender, vulnerability and sobriety is not a task many care to attempt. To be back in the work force, raising children, building and starting new relationships, a home and most importantly rebuilding yourself! Everyone “lives their life”, many never walking down the path of addiction, but few live their lives consciously, always looking to improve themselves, being open and adaptable to change and giving gratitude for the simplest of things the rest of us take for granted. And that is just a few of the great things we can learn from you and all those who have walked this with you. You have so much to be proud of and so much more to look forward too on this new and exciting, while also challenging-in-it’s-own-way journey.

Here is Josh’s story, which will be followed by another entry from his sister, Jodell, who will give us a glimpse of what it was like to stand on the other side, from the outside looking in.

At what age did it begin and were there any underlying reason? What substance did you start with?

It began when I was in elementary school, when my dad passed me a beer to take a swig. There was this feeling of acceptance I got, being “one of the guys”. It was a rush, a relief, as if I was on top of the world, all my problems washed away in that one sip. It was the social norm for my parents to host card parties and sit around and drink, especially in a small town. This was the normal setting I was exposed too, so it didn’t seem foreign to me. From that point forward it slowly, but consistently grew – it planted a seed of acceptance that I didn’t realize would snowball into something far bigger.

Let me just give you a bit of a timeline of what this life looked like. I rang in my 13th birthday smoking weed for the first time, which then led to regular use. At 14 I got what was the first of many minor consumptions. Age 16, my senior year, brought with it my first round of outpatient treatment. Although the drinking didn’t slow, I wanted to be able to participate in football, and this was mandatory in order for me to do so.

I graduated at 17, this just gave me even more time during the day to indulge in partying, with that came regular use of cocaine. I had a great job, I was making good money removing asbestos from homes. At 19 I buy a house, drinking copious amounts of vodka, while feeling daily rushes of regular cocaine use. I can average 2-3 days before crashing. A majority of this great income is spent on sipping, chugging and snorting. One of what will be four DUI’s follows shortly after, along with 3 friends committing suicide. This scares me, but I’m still feeling as if I need these outlets in order to be “social” because my anxiety is so intense. Age 20, I lose my job because I’m not able to function and make it there regularly, but not a huge deal, besides, I’m making enough money dealing. I’m feeling really good about myself, people look up to me and respect me and it fills another void. The reality of my friends deaths start to settle a little too close to home, so I move to distance myself from this, with the hope of going to college and playing football to get my life back on track. This instead turns into more hook ups and even better money selling coke! It’s funny how you say you’ll “never” until you’re standing there doing that “never”. I swore I would never shoot up, but somehow find myself doing just that. This is what my life from age 20-30 consisted of – partying day and night, selling coke, having sex with multiple women – living the high life.

Roughly at the age of 30 I OD’d (for the 1st time) off percocet and oxy, followed by a 3 day coma. I wake up pissed, wanting out, and begging my mom for money to go get another liter. I fractured my spine from having alcohol withdrawal seizures. The realization of this injury from having seizures from withdrawals, is a bit of a scare. So, I decide another round of inpatient treatment is necessary. That followed a half way house, with 60 days of sobriety, only to get kicked out of 2 more half way houses. Another overdose – this time on heroine. I end up enrolling to college, which lands me a $5000 check to live off of and supply my needs. At one point I end up in the Anoka County Courthouse bathroom drinking rubbing alcohol to keep the shakes at bay, with nowhere to go and no clue what my next move will be. This leads me back to parents again. Although I’m working, I meet who becomes my long time girlfriend, who just happens to be a bartender. This works out well considering she supplies my booze stash. She enables me even more, always paying the bills, which allows me to carry on with my lifestyle while she works, in turn I’m caring for her daughter. This works out great, I’m home more at least, out less partying, but still feeding off the toxicity that has always resided between us.

When I’m 32 I’m in the beginning stages of liver failure, noticeably jaundice, with extreme pain. This leads to a week of sobriety after being hospitalized, but corrected itself, only to have repeated itself. This is a realization that the half gallon of vodka is no longer feasible, so I pick up meth, besides it’s a great diet regimen! 😉 After awhile I’m going through an 8 ball of meth at a time just to keep me going. 3-4 years of meth, followed by heroine for a change of pace. It’s like a version of a doctors prescription to alternate between Tylenol and Ibuprofen, except I’m alternating meth and heroine. I wasn’t biased towards one or the other – unlike others – I had friends on both sides of the track. For those few years, I never intentionally slept. I mean I slept, but I never thought “I should go to bed” or “it’s bedtime”. I crashed wherever, whenever, but it was only at that point that I got rest.

At this point I can’t see the light of day, nor do I have alot of motivation to do so, this is just simply my life day in and day out. I am a master manipulator using and abusing anything and anyone that gets me from one hit to the next. While it feels good to feel good, being admired by so many, what I don’t realize, is, I’m being manipulated, used and abused by all around me just as much. So, here I am, feeling on top of the world, only having occasional rising fears of being without my safety nets.

Addiction of choice and why – explain the highs and the crashes – what did it feel like physically, mentally and emotionally.

Alcohol was always a factor, it was the first thing I did each morning and the last thing I did each night. Within a few hours of waking I had the shakes, looking for my next swig of booze – preferably vodka. The drugs weren’t near as important to me as the vodka. Drug of choice would be ecstasy, but isn’t something I did alot of because it was tough to keep the high for extended periods. The booze was my coping mechanism, while the drugs made me feel 10 feet tall and bulletproof, adding to my confidence. As my roommate says heroine was “a warm blanket of amazingness”. You could be getting your head bashed in with a club and think everything was good! But when the vodka was dry – it was instant panic, I was legit scared to think of not having any. I never did the drugs without the booze, to do it sober was actually scary to me. Straight up, uncontrollable anxiety.

How do you think this affected those around you? At the time, did you think there was any ripple effect to your family?

Nope, not at all. I thought I appeared to ‘have it all together’ and someone to be looked up too, and honestly, I was – in that world. Outside of ‘that world’, it was total denial when it was brought up to me, I didn’t think it was anything I couldn’t control.

Turning point in your life – the last straw – the one that started your journey to get to this point.

I think subconsciously, I knew when I was 32, when the realization that the onset of liver failure had begun. That scared me, but instead, I buried myself deeper. Fast forward to 2015, I have 2 warrants out for my arrest due to drug sales after being caught with a wire. After ins and out of what I hope would be a pass back out the door after lack of evidence, my lawyer informs me another county has additional sale charges on me. But, even then, I’m feeding myself lies to keep myself sane. This is the realization that my avenues of escape are looking thinner by the minute and I should probably start prepping myself for a long haul of sobriety, whether prison or long term treatment, I wasn’t getting out this time. I actually tinkered with the thought of taking the 120 months in prison over the option of mandated inpatient for a year.

The real, official turning point is when I’m sitting in the wreck room in jail – I come across the Holy Spirit Handbook. This changes everything. This is literally my “coming to Jesus moment” in a way I’ve never experienced before. There’s this feeling of total and complete peace, calmness and serenity that flows over and through me. And this time, I don’t have an ounce of any substance in me. For the first time in my life, I know I’m going to be OK, and I’m actually excited about being admitted to MN Adult and Teen Challenge. This is the start of a new life I didn’t know was possible, or perhaps wasn’t willing or ready to embrace all those years. It was better then any high I had ever experienced, it was the most peace and comfort I had felt my entire life.

What are some of the biggest challenges you’ve encountered since being sober?

I would have to say keeping my anxiety in check, although nowhere near what it used to be, it still arises, especially in a social setting. Learning to be aware of it and trying to find coping mechanisms to offset it is a work in progress. Another thing that I’ve been trying harder to work on, is learning to focus attention back on myself, doing the inner work required to heal. It’s always been a mindset of blame, pointing the finger outside of me, that I’ve never taken responsibility for my actions. Now I’m trying to learn how to balance things, patience with my kids and family, but especially with myself. Learning how to co-parent while also setting boundaries, recognizing manipulation, being open to feedback without defaulting to blame and just establishing myself. To try and retrain my brain to remember things and be aware without going back into default mode. I started so young, I don’t know that I was ever able to establish myself and my own true identity. I guess that’s the beauty in rebuilding.

What do you think are the biggest problems that come with the stigmas of addiction? What are some missing factors you feel are being overlooked when addressing these issues and the judgement that comes with them, especially in younger kids?

The lack of understanding coming from all angles, especially at home. I told my dad once about my anxiety, (although I didn’t know that’s what it was at the time), the response was along the lines of “deal with it, don’t be a pussy”. But the older generations didn’t discuss their problems, so maybe he didn’t know any other way to respond without thinking something was wrong with me.

I was sitting in jail after my second DUI, flipping through a magazine when I came across a Paxil ad. As I was reading the side effects such as racing thoughts, shortness of breath, restlessness, irritability, or difficulty in public places – I came to the realization that this was me! I am that blue pill – more like I need that blue pill! To realize that other people had these same symptoms was amazing to me, because I thought it was just me! I was so excited about the fact that this pill could help me that I went up and asked the desk clerk to give me some, not realizing it wasn’t that easy.

Another thing people don’t realize, is this isn’t just one set of people or only people of a certain social status engage in substance abuse. I used with plenty of people that came from higher social statuses, kids of doctors and other respectable careers. The stigma that only people that come from crap households or poverty level use substances to cope, couldn’t be farther from the truth! And yet we were viewed as the “scum” or “losers”.

Sometimes I wonder if I had known or learned to cope better with my anxiety if I wouldn’t have went to other substances to rid myself of these feelings that in fact were normal to many. Sometimes I think my parents should have just left me sit in jail the first few times I was in, maybe it would’ve changed my mindset. Instead it just enabled and reinforced my behavior, knowing they’d come to my rescue when I got caught again. But, I guess it’s hard to say for sure, either way, this was how it unraveled for me.

Has it changed your path or purpose in life since? Do you feel you endured it for a reason and are meant to do something with it?

Absolutely. I’ve lived my life unknowingly being so selfish, only worrying about myself, but now I know it has nothing to do with me. I realize it was all fake and false before, even looking back – there were so many odd things that happened that lined up in my favor – that redirected me. My life resides in Christ, which in turn out flows into everyone around me. The fact that I’m alive is evidence in itself of what my life purpose is. No one endures what I did and almost dies that many times for nothing. It’s all part of a bigger plan.

There is no denying that overall substance abuse, especially in meth and heroine are on the rise – what do you think are significant contributing factors to this problem?

Prescription pills are a big factor. Although this wasn’t a direct reflection in my case, I do hear of prescription pills being a sought out source, it seems common within the treatment world. They’re fairly easy to get a hold of. As far as the rest, I don’t know if there’s a certain “go-to” I think it depends on preference or whatever is available.

What and who do you see yourself as now? How would you identify yourself?

I am Joshua Kuhlmann, I am a child of God, saved by Jesus Christ. I know what the highest of highs feels like, along with the lowest of lows – simultaneously – from trying to catch a buzz in a courthouse bathroom to sitting in a jail cell reading the Lord’s word. I have done alot of shit, seen alot of shit – but I am truly grateful for every part of my journey. Because I know what it’s like to stand on that side, and I look forward to spending the remainder of my life standing on this side, helping others in their journey of recovery!

Despite where we’re at in life, we can all use additional support, visit www.crisisaverted.org for a complimentary phone call to learn more!

For more entries regarding personal stories surrounding addiction, check out Ron’s story.

*If you or someone you know is in need of help, here a general site/line to start with to better direct you of resources within your area drugabuse.gov https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help *

*If any of this resonates with you, or you know of someone it may help who is personally struggling or has family that is, please feel free to share on social media to bring forth awareness and hope, while breaking down stigma around this subject!*

Santa Monica

November 13, 2016November 13, 2016 / Revolution.07 / Leave a comment

“Her mind’s made up
The girl is gone
And now I’m forced to see
I think I’m on my way
Oh, it hurts to live today
Oh and she says “Don’t you wish you were dead like me?”

And I remember the day when you left for Santa Monica
You left me to remain with all your excuses for everything
And I remember the time when you left for Santa Monica
And I remember the day you told me it’s over”

This was the last song I listened too exactly 9 years to the day with you. Although those lyrics mean something different since then, the feeling that arises when hearing them is still there. I had just put Gabby – 2 1/2 and sick at the time – to bed, waiting for Nathan to get home, you and I were chatting about wedding stuff. I had mentioned perhaps meeting with Sarah to do wedding invites, I knew you wanted to do them, but she’s great at this stuff and thought maybe you could learn some things from her?! I remember feeling half guilty, half defensive by the look on your face that said “of course I wouldn’t do it good enough or the way you wanted”. It was that look, followed by a weak “sure”. I remember talking about all of these wedding things as you half ignored me, never looking at me – always facing the computer. I often wonder how you didn’t turn around and tell me to shut the fuck up – you didn’t care – because you weren’t going to there. I often wonder how you didn’t say many things to me – instead, always playing the part, keeping your mouth shut, trying to pretend to be happy for me – even though I knew you were pissed about the whole thing. Once I realized you were less then impressed with this choice of topic I said “oh Jos – you gotta listen to this song – you’re gonna love it – Santa Monica by Theory of a Deadman! I asked you what you thought and got a monotone “yeah – I like it.”

I’ve replayed in my head a million times us standing outside smoking – while freezing our asses off – we got laughing about I don’t even know what. I vividly remember thinking – but never actually saying “you look so good, you’ve lost weight – you seem happy Jos!” Maybe I just wanted to enjoy that contagious laugh a little longer, so I didn’t say it – just like you didn’t say anything to me, so we carried on. When we came back in the house I told you I was sorry, you could finish what you needed too, but I needed to go to bed. I needed sleep – pffff – fuck – let’s be real – I always needed sleep! You acted bummed, with a brief hesitation – I took note of it, but was defensive and proceeded to bed. As I laid there – I remember feeling bad, but more so as if something seemed off – but too tired to bother inquiring. Instead, I heard you shut down the computer and walk across the kitchen floor for what would be the last time. I heard the door close and I fell asleep. And that was it. That was the last time I would see your face, the last time I would hear your laugh, the last time I would smoke a Marlboro with you, the last time I would have a discussion with you – it was the last of so many things that would taint me for so long.

For months and months afterwards, I would talk to you on my way into work as if you were in the passenger seat beside me. I would try and alter the reality of it – as crazy as that sounds – I just always felt like I needed those one-way conversations – that were far from conversations because I couldn’t quit crying long enough to actually finish a sentence. To this day whenever I feel you, I feel you on my right side – steady, solid, always quiet and always on my right.

At some point in all of our lives we have a massive shifting point, it shows up in many different ways, but it shakes us to the core. For those that don’t know what this feels like, you will in time, for it’s inevitable in the human experience. It isn’t a week long ordeal either – it’s a forever long ordeal. For as much as this blog has done for me, in regards to healing at a much more rapid rate on many levels – the replay of that night – the feelings that arise with that song – the longing to hear that laugh or see that smile will forever be imprinted when this week arises – year after year – despite the time in between.

How can something feel like yesterday and eternity all at once? There are times I feel as though I’ve lost the details as time has passed. There are parts of me that are thankful for that, for it doesn’t consume me like before – proving I’ve been able to let go and move forward, but there are also days – like today – when I wish I could remember every detail of your face, of your words, of your every breath. Here’s to 9 years – 9 down – plenty to go – but still looking forward to the day I see that face again.

Perfect Storm

October 4, 2016October 5, 2016 / Revolution.07 / 2 Comments

There’s no denying hindsight is 20/20. We’ve all looked back on situations in our life and thought “how the hell did I not see that coming?” There were all of these passive thoughts and feelings…inklings that we chose to ignore, thinking they were of false pretense. Only in the end for there to be this explosion, this devastating storm that leaves us low and drained, fueled with a tornado of emotions that were suppressed but now raging. I’ve had 2 major life experiences where focusing on the hindsight nearly killed me, both in a depressive, as well as an anger driven state. Two different experiences, fueled by different underlying factors – death and divorce. Both spent in states of replaying what I coulda, shoulda, woulda changed. But the divorce, I would have to say -was far more prevalent as far as indicating signals – random thoughts, gut instincts that something was off, change in behavior – that was one that I could’ve changed, but instead chose to ignore. And as much as I hated him, I began to hate myself even more, for ignoring what I knew was truth, instead choosing to tell myself otherwise.

There are many things in this life that hindsight serves us, but by the time it does, it’s often too late. It’s that whole ‘hind’ part of it that really doesn’t do us much good. However, it works nicely when needing to keep people suppressed – by guilt, depression, anger, hate, sadness – alot of the times focusing on that rear view mirror that we’ve been spoon fed to believe we have to feel shitty for – for the rest of our lives – that we rarely ever stop to think about foresight. What if, instead of waiting for more bad things to happen, or continuing to live in misery and victimization of our current circumstances (only to have another reason to debate or complain about) – we chose to get ahead of it? What if, we could change and alter the outcome of our personal lives, community, nation and global problems? In order to do such a thing, we’d have to be willing to look beyond a veil that has always blanketed us, fogging our vision and mindset.

As we look around the world, both within our country and beyond, we see this fueled fire almost everywhere. This state of chaos that seems uncontrollable. All of these emotions and opinions that are constantly voiced in defense of every angle. Everyone is wondering how in the hell we’ve ended up here, taking a look around this country wondering what land we’re standing on. I find it interesting, that the more I listen to people discuss issues ranging from Kaepernick to the ND pipeline, from 9/11 to our current financial state, from Bradgelina’s current relationship status to political views- the more I realize the only thing I’m hearing is – well – complaints and opinions, none of which seem to be targeted towards a solution, instead so many feeling helpless and victimized, angry and depleted. There’s what seems to be an ever growing division of ‘groups’ – black lives matter, white lives matter, all lives matter – those that appreciate what Kaepernick is standing, (or shall I say not standing for), and those that demand the respect of the American flag and what it stands for. We’ve got Trump supporters, Hilary supporters and straight up non-supporters. We’ve got Catholics, Lutherans, Protestants, Muslims and Baptists, we’ve got the upper class, the dwindling middle class and ever growing lower class. This, is clearly the tip of the iceberg as to what people debate about, but are some of the “hotter” topics.

I invite you to see what a perfect storm is being created here. The circus gets more entertaining while those in the background play with their puppets, making them dance and sing, fight and argue, promise and lie juuuuuust the way they want them too – oh no I’m sorry – let me rephrase, the way they want us too – turns out we’re part of the show! (bet you didn’t know you were going to be casted eh?! 😉 Now, I know this is going to be tough for many to swallow, and it was for me as well – but please, allow me to entertain you for a bit…not for debate – because that’s not what I’m going for – instead for awakening, for freedom, outside of any flag, of any government, of any 1% – beyond all of that – freedom to think and act for yourself while the barriers around these old belief systems begin to crumble. Because if we truly want change, like I hear everyone say they want change – it isn’t up to any of “them” to do that for us – it’s up to US as a human race to do it for ourselves. There isn’t any president, any congress, or any judge that is going to solve this for us, and the problem is, we’ve relied on others to do it for us, for far too long. In that process, (and I’m not talking in terms of a couple Presidential terms, I’m talking hundreds of years) we – as a collective – not only as Americans, but as a human race have lost ourselves, our freedoms, our love, our dreams and our unity.

What if, instead of being the puppets that we’ve always been, choosing to point the finger towards the next guy, as we’ve always done before, (and we’ve been trained to do it well!) – we chose to look beyond the obvious. We’ve been stuck in this sickening cycle, whether it was blaming the Indians for not getting off “our” land or those that don’t respect our flag the way you think they should, or that we feel we’re superior enough above all others to build a wall, it’s just run around, always coming back to the same basic convo – giving a war for the egos to justify who’s “better”. If we want change, we’d have to be willing to shut off all the opinions and blame – choosing to see what lies behind all of these smaller distractions. Here are the pictures that come to mind for me – it’s Alice in Wonderland, it’s watching Katnis in the Hunger Games shoot the arrow in the arena, to prove that there’s a glitch in the system, that the arena is fabricated. It’s watching Four and Tris in the Allegiant climb over the wall to realize what is actually going on outside of their little segregated lives to view the ‘behind the scenes’. For those that aren’t familiar with any of those, think of it as a magic show – you see the trick on the stage, but you’re unaware of what is happening behind the scenes to create this illusion that you’re awed over. It’s simply waking up – it’s realizing that there is a ‘behind the scenes’ and it’s very much dominating us, not only as a nation, but as a race. It’s the ‘great divide’ in The Land Before Time. 😉 You see, if you keep people so preoccupied with constantly debating and fighting amongst themselves, while throwing in some Pokemon Go to distract them a little longer and farther, then they’ll be so busy with that, they’ll have no clue that anything at all is beyond that wall or the man made arena, beyond the veil of the illusion in which has been created. They have done it, and they’ve done it very well – and they’ve done it for yeeeears – as in hundreds!

They’ve put together such perfect systems in order to keep separation, I mean really, you have to give them credit for how nicely it was thought out and even better how well it’s played out. This is obvious in ways both big and small, you simply can not suppress a person and expect that at some point there won’t be kickback. On a smaller scale, it may be misery in a job or a relationship, despite the reasoning behind it or for it – everyone has their breaking point. So whether this behavior is lashing out at a partner, boss or child, more often then not, it’s coming from something beyond that current situation at hand. Have you ever lashed out at someone over something minuet, when that wasn’t even the real reason you were angry in the first place? It’s like screaming at your spouse for not putting their dirty clothes in the hamper, when in all reality, it had nothing to do with the damn clothes, it had everything to do with the 10 shitty things that happened in your day before that! Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about – you’ve all had your 15 minutes of fame in the realm of nut houses! 😉 Ha The problem is, noone takes the time to evaluate where in our lives we’re being sucked dry, suppressed etc. This is a perfect example of why you have uprisings, this is why you have protests, although not always done in the best fashion, people are just sick of being shushed! They want to have a voice, even if sometimes that voice doesn’t know where exactly it stands or what it’s trying to express. Even if that voice leads to actions that aren’t in their best interest. I’m not okaying people’s bad behavior, but honestly what are we to expect?! Everyone is full of opinions, that’s obvious, but it’s reached a point where people are starting to realize that talking in circles isn’t getting us anywhere. So, while some are still so stuck on the part (as if we’re in elementary school) needing to take a “side” for or against all these different causes, some are just plain and sick of tired of talking and debating over it and feeling as though they have to take a stance. For me personally, it isn’t about what each of these groups are standing for, it’s about taking a stance, as a unified front against a system that most don’t agree with, and a system that sure as shit isn’t transparent in ANY form. It’s about taking back our power, as a people – preferably in a non-violent way, but in one that isn’t dictated by these people behind the screen. It’s about getting back to the basics – as in morals. It’s about less judgement upon each other and instead putting the spotlight on those puppets and people that sit in these “high and mighty” places. And not a spotlight asking questions just to get the same lies that we’ve heard a million times over either, instead forcing them to expose all the things we’ve been fed to believe are nothing but conspiracy theories

I would just like to say, there are parts of these entries that may be heavily saturated with sarcasm, turns out there isn’t a font for that yet. 😉 However, I in no way, mean to offend anyone. The thing is, we’re all in this together, and we’re all as guilty as the next guy to some degree. So it isn’t about degrading, it’s about bringing forth an awareness to something that is foreign to far too many. As with anything, there must first be awareness before there can be true change. This is also something that people will be forced to see over the next few years. This isn’t any of our faults, and yet to a degree, I suppose it’s all of our faults, for not questioning, for believing the stories, for not doing our own research, aside if ‘everyone else was doing it’, for giving into their circus and getting caught up in the webs they so perfectly wove. However, that isn’t the point, the point is, we’re here – and by being here – we have the opportunity to change it. The number one problem with this, is there aren’t many that truly believe that what they do on a personal level can impact on a global level. I’d just like to say welcoooome to the 1st bullshit lie you’ve been fed! This is only the surface of so many other underlying things, but it’s just a glimpse to hopefully allow your conscious mind to plant a seed outside of what it’s been taught. One that I hope will ignite a flame that will become more curious, intriguing you to do your own investigating, or just be willing to look at things from a slightly different angle. Because oddly enough those “bogus” articles or “insane conspiracy theories” may not be quite as “bogus” or “insane” as you originally thought. I guess at this point – nothing is going to hurt, right?! The way things have been done haven’t gotten us anywhere – except more pissed off and separated, maybe if we were willing to go against the grain of what everyone else is doing, in a new way – we could lay a more solid foundation for something new.

The less we give into the circus and games they toy us with and the more we start to realize that taking a stand in a new and different way may be more beneficial. Clearly, this whole play by their rules and vote for someone who swears they’ll make it better isn’t making anything better – why? Because they’re in it for their own reasons – none of which lines up with what is best for the overall majority, and I don’t care which party you’re voting for, that is the plain and simple fact. You can’t whole heartedly trust someone with every fiber of your being when you agree with less then half of their basic moral viewpoints. We don’t agree or believe in half of what they say and yet out of obligation of being a citizen (as we’ve been fed to believe) we feel we’re terrible people if we just straight up quit giving into their game, aka voting. What happens when all the players on a football field or basketball court step off the playing grounds? The game is over isn’t it? Why would this be any different? Are there things that may go along with the fall and rise of old and new government, yes, that’s a good possibility. But if we want change then we have to be willing to walk through the dips in order to see the view from the other side. And what helps make that walk a little easier in any area of our lives? Others to walk it with. The more we stick together and continue to walk off the playing field one by one, the more we’ll have to walk side by side with, giving comfort as we go.

So, the more we begin to look beyond the little segments of media creating more fear, hate and division and chose to come together as a whole, perhaps the quicker we’ll see the change that is desperately needed! So, in order to not just talk this talk, but also walk this walk – you’ll have to be willing to play with a few ‘out of the box’ ideas. If you’re willing to put down your ego and set aside all the shit you’ve ever been fed to believe is “right, just, good, brave, honorable, bad, unjust, criminal or disrespectful”, if you’re willing to put down some of your belief systems (by the way, all of 80% of what we do/say/believe is based off of someone else’s ideas, we picked it up along the way, either from school, parents, friends, media or society – original is few and far between these days lol) then maybe we can all come out on the other side, perhaps even better then before!

**If you are sick of being a sheep hearded along and are ready to help awaken those still sleeping, then please share on social media**

OUT of the darkness, means bringing LIGHT to it.

September 25, 2016August 23, 2018 / Revolution.07 / Leave a comment

If there’s one thing I hope this blog does for all who stumble across it is, to offer a sense of hope. To bring light to conversations, emotions, thoughts and struggles that so many of us face on a daily basis, but are often too fearful to bring up at the supper table. This is many people’s real life, whether it’s disease, finances, addiction, divorce, or death – these topics are too many people’s traumas and tragedies. While some have been able to triumph over these road blocks, there are still many stuck, unable to see outside of their current circumstances. These are conversations, that until we start having them – aren’t going to go away. Every change must first begin with awareness. I am hoping that this will shed some light and awareness on many different topics and emotions that I think more people will be able to resonate with, at some point in their life, then not. My hope is that this is the beginning of many more conversations to come within your life, ones with rawness, vulnerability, empathy and compassion. May this be the planting of new seeds of awareness, as well as hope in each persons life that comes across this, may you know you aren’t alone in your struggles and that the light always follows the darkness, so please – hold on.

I had the to opportunity to speak at our community walk this weekend, Out of the Darkness. This walk is to promote awareness and education, as well as support to the conversation of mental illness and suicide. This is something that no matter what – is just a heavy event, it’s really hard for it not to be, as these are heavy topics that come with heavy feelings and emotions surrounded by them. I really wanted this years talk to be different then I had done in years’ past, I wanted it to be general but specific, acknowledging all who were there and their stories, honoring whatever current stage they were in on their journey – but also bringing forth a lighter note as well.

This is something that I want to include as an entry because for most of us standing at this event, we already knew all too well what standing on the other side of this hell feels like, carrying the guilt of not seeing the signs or being more proactive, the heart wrenching fact that they felt so isolated, empty and sad to be able to continue on is something we know all too well and it’s something that brings us to tears every time we think of what they endured and what it took for them to follow through. But the point isn’t just for those of us that now fit under the category of ‘suicide survivor’, it’s something that people need to be aware BEFORE they hit that point. It’s something that needs to be talked about MORE in homes around the supper table, no matter how uncomfortable that can be. The words “suicide” and “depression” need to be used more often, so that they roll off the tongue as easily as “pizza” and “sunshine”.

I’d like to share my story, to hopefully shine some light on this subject, as well as promote more light on such a dark and heavy subject. And I hope you’re willing to share this, to bring forth light to others as well – for you never who many stumble across it that may be in need of it.

” I, like most of you here, am a survivor of suicide after losing my sister Josie to a losing battle of clinical depression in 2007. It wasn’t until after that day that I was forced to feel the depths of the valleys in which she, and many others have walked. Through those years of darkness and fog I endured the sobering truth of what standing on this side of not only mental illness feels like, but what carrying the heaviest burden of all feels like – guilt.

We all stand here in different parts of our journey, ranging from months to years, with different stories. From veterans unable to co-exist in a world that had become foreign to them upon returning from the damage that couldn’t be undone, to those who had side effects to medications that forced them in the opposite direction of the intent of that medication, to an impulsive decision with what may have seemed like the only last piece to the puzzle, to just being sick and tired of attempting to fight what seemed like a losing battle through the darkness.

The details that go along with our loved one’s story, the aftermath for all of us standing here, is one we wouldn’t wish upon anyone. The reverberation that suicide generates, despite your stage in the grieving process, is all too familiar. To feel as if there were no other way out aside from this, to be so enveloped and suffocated in a deep and dark place is something that no individual should ever have to endure.

There isn’t a prerequisite needed in order to fall under this hush hush category, as we have seen that money nor fame can buy happiness or make you invisible from this crippling disease. From famous people such as Kurt Cobain and Robin Williams, to the ever growing numbers, especially in teens, due to the pressures of the world around them, to adults due to financial, work, home and relationship stressors and lack of facilities and treatment options. Simply being unable to talk about it in public, even in our own homes because we have made it taboo and an uncomfortable topic, and some just honestly not knowing how to respond. It almost always comes back to the feeling of being isolated and alone.

A large contributing factor for this being the third leading cause of death is the sheer lack of hope in so many. The feeling that others can’t relate, or that you’re the only one enduring these thought processes. We are in a time where electronics have silenced us even more, tearing us away from human connection and compassion. We have entered into an era where the world around us seems to get crazier by the day, full of noise and static, opinions, debate and fog – it can be hard to find that light of hope to focus on.

It took me a long time to see beyond those first years of darkness, to gain a different perspective, but I honestly believe that it is up to those of us that have endured the pain of losing someone to this terrible cause of death because we are needed to be the beacon of light through the darkness.

When we begin to break down these barriers of fear and hopelessness, allowing light to stream in through the concrete walls that have barricaded us from each other, we can begin to see that healing can be possible. Perhaps it is then that our loved ones stories can begin to affect and shift the masses in a new way, letting others know that this isn’t the end, that they are supported and loved and that we’re here to help, educate and facilitate. Perhaps it is then that we can help them see through a new lens, one that brightens instead of dims, educates instead of criticizes and one that comforts instead of torments. Although this event is held with heavy hearts as a reminder to those who have taken their own lives, I hope today can also be about remembering to carry on their story, that despite our age, from young to old alike, reminding ourselves that we all have the ability to reach out in ways big and small to help others, to bring awareness to a conversation that has been silenced for far too long and to bring light to others around us, in whatever manner possible. May today be about more than just a reminder of the guilt and sadness that many carry inside, but may it be about reigniting hope and a light into a world that needs it more now than ever. “

**If this resonates with you, please feel free to share on social media in the hopes of helping any who may stumble across it.”

Autopilot

September 7, 2016September 8, 2016 / Revolution.07 / Leave a comment

skyraysoflight9-16 We’ve all experienced those moments of life altering, earth shattering pain. The one that forces you into your body, to awaken you from a state of cruise control. It comes in many different forms, at different points in our lives, all on a different scale, having a different effect but it is one that refuses to be anything but felt. At 16, it’s the break up with your first boyfriend, perhaps later a divorce. For a firefighter it’s going to a call only to be forced to watch a family watch their home be devoured by flames, to the EMT it’s responding to a fatal accident. To a soldier it’s pulling the trigger for the first time on another life, or perhaps watching one of his own men being taken by another. It’s the phone call of an unexpected death, the diagnosis of a disease, watching another’s life end before your eyes. It’s watching a child go hungry, die from lack of vaccinations or a fatal disease. It’s losing a job, the function of a body part, or the aftermath of a natural disaster. All of which demand the attention of the human emotions, as if jolted into the current reality, one where time literally seems to stop. The cruise control has been halted, from 60 to 0.

It is that slow drip of water in a pond, watching the ripples flow outward, affecting the mass, but the intensity remains within that first initial drop. A whirlwind of grief and questions, standing there looking at your life from a floor of shattered glass, unsure if it’s even your life you’re viewing. This ‘autopilot’ phase is one that jolts many, but often doesn’t truly affect, on a grander scale, those outward ripples. But, for those moments that the ripple does affect the mass, we reevaluate where we stand in life, how very small we are compared to the rest of this vast universe. We think about our days and how they’ve been spent, acknowledging that we’re truly blessed and fortunate to not have been directly effected by such tragedy. Instead, we make promises to rid our lives of excess baggage that doesn’t serve our evolution, and thank God for all he’s generously provided.
Often times, when we stand in this space, we realize how much of our life has been run on autopilot. How much we missed while going through the motions, only to realize it’s no longer an option to fix or mend, but to let flow through you, realizing the grip you have on this moment is nothing at all. The vulnerability of feeling on a deeper level, tears that won’t stop, anger that fuels, questions that may remain unanswered. It’s a space that for anyone that has ever felt it, never wants to be forced to feel it again, it instills a fear that we want to distance ourselves from as fast as possible. It’s one that never leaves, instead, only lies dormant. Only to return at the time of another reminder that autopilot is the exact place we aren’t meant to be. It’s during these times that we’re forced to reevaluate and question our very existence. Watching another endure such pain, knowing there’s no amount of words, cards or gifts that will replace what they have been or will be forced to feel and endure. It is in these moments, we make temporary promises as we mourn and truly do feel for those directly effected. We swear this is our eye opener, that we’ll become more focused on the things that make us truly happy, instead of the stress of daily life we’ve allowed to weigh us down. Instead of complaining, we’ll be more grateful, instead of fighting, we’ll be more compassionate, instead of blaming, we’ll be more empathetic of another’s viewpoint, instead of being devoured by guilt, we’ll let go of those we’ve allowed to pull us down. Because in these moments we see from a very different perspective, we see how precious and short our time here is, whether that’s 20 years or 80, it goes in a flash nonetheless. But just as quickly as it came, it often leaves. Because for those that aren’t directly affected, life goes on, and autopilot is what we so effortlessly fall back into. Getting wrapped up in our everyday lives of seemingly trials and tribulations, forgetting to pay attention, to feel or wake up from this deep sleep. Until the next ripple hits, reminding us once again that we’re human. These are the moments that are meant to break us, shake us and make us realize that this is our focus, this is a glimpse of what we’re here for, this is when autopilot is off, when we’re planted in our own bodies, grounded and reminded our days are far too short to be spent doing absolutely anything except what brings us joy. And the falsehood that we’ve been fed while on autopilot that this isn’t our truth, is the reason we’re forced to be redirected into what is.

*If this resonates with you, feel free to share on social media**

Noise and Static

July 14, 2016July 15, 2016 / Revolution.07 / Leave a comment

*Disclaimer: Please read at your own discretion. Preferably with an open mind 😉 blog-noiseandstatic

I’ll admit I was less then happy when the only thing that would flawlessly flow from my fingertips was the entry “Rock Bottom”. Now, I’m starting to see why – because it truly is the case for so many people right now, both locally and abroad. I’m a believer that the night is always darkest just before the dawn and that sometimes thing have to crumble in order to be rebuilt, to see it for the greater good and trust where it’s taking us. But that can be a tough one to hold onto as things seem to be progress. It’s hard not to take a look around and wonder what in the f*ck is happening to this world?! It’s hard to overcome the fear of what’s next and what does it mean?! I think of it on a smaller scale with things happening around me, but it’s much larger then that and I think we’re all aware of that. Humanity as a whole is facing some shit right meow – shit that can’t be denied – shit that needs to be talked about, released and straight up dealt with!

However, I’m struggling with the way it’s being dealt with. In case we haven’t noticed – this blame game isn’t getting us anywhere. Whether it’s blaming our parents for a horseshit upbringing, another person for abuse inflicted upon us, the poor for our national debt problem, drugs/alcohol/addictive substances, Monsanto for poisioning us with GMO’s, Trump for his hate and discrimination, ISIS for killing thousands of innocent people, my sisters friends mother brother to a cousin for who the hell knows what – it seems to boil down to blame in some form! It comes down to pointing the finger in every direction except our own – and I’m more then guilty of this as I blame my addiction on sugar for the reason I’ve gained so much weight! ha

I’m not by any means trying to undermine what is happening around us, or the lives that have been directly affected by any of the above. This is real shit on every single level – and I’m grateful every day those aren’t my family members or friends that are directly affected by this violence. But, I feel that I need to attempt to try and put a different spin on what is happening. Hands down the most common mistake we all make, I’m just as guilty as anyone, is forgetting to stop and attempt to see things in a different light – from a different vantage point.

I’ve seen multiple posts, but have not, nor have any desire to watch the videos on who is claiming what or which side, I do not have any desire to watch someone gasp for air after he’s been shot, despite the reasoning behind it. I especially don’t have any desire considering there’s a little girl in the back seat, who’s life has been forever changed. So, I’m not going off of facts here and I’m not siding with one over another, I’m simply viewing this from some of the few opinions/responses I actually read. So, here are some questions I have that I’m just going to throw out there.

Question #1

Have you ever drank under age? Have you ever smoked weed? Have you ever done an illegal substance or drug? Have you ever not worn your seat belt? Have you ever driven with any amount of alcohol in your system that could’ve very well been above the legal limit? Have you ever urinated in public? Have you ever rolled through a stop sign?

If you have done any of these, then you too, have broken the law – and I’m willing to bet you’ve done it on more then one occasion. What is the difference between you and someone that has their name put in the paper or face on TV? They got caught and you didn’t. Period.

Question #2

Have you ever had sex before you were married? Disrespected an elder? Used the Lord’s name in vein? Called another human being a name? Have you ever cheated – in any form, on homework, an exam or your significant other? Have you ever threatened someone’s life or dreamt about it? Despite how big or small – from your parents to your children – no matter how you choose to justify it, have you ever told a lie?

If you have ever done any of these, then you too, have been immoral – at least to the eyes of many, especially according to religious beliefs. What is the difference between you and “them”?

My point here is this (and this is something that I’ve learned within the past year about myself as well) that despite the caliber of bullet, what makes one less deadly then another? The amount that is fired, correct? It takes more rounds of a 22 to do the same damage of a 12 gauge. So, while some have larger weapons, inflicting pain on others in more obvious ways, there are even more people that do it in their daily lives, on a smaller scale. You see, that’s what we do – we all have the ammunition but we fire it differently. Most fire more frequently but because it’s of a less caliber, we can justify it. Why? Because we didn’t get caught, what – because we didn’t kill anyone, or I wasn’t that drunk! It was only 5 mph over the limit. It was just a white lie. I can bring that up because she did this to me in 2nd grade! Oh good, I’ll keep that card in my back pocket for next time he effs up. These are the subconscious things that we think – I know that, because I’ve thought them! I’ll openly admit that! Did I know at the time I thought them, no, probably not, because I self justified it – I felt I was entitled to it – I mean, besides – eff them, they’re crazy anyways, of course my reasoning is right!

Question #3

Have you ever put your life on the line – day in and day out? Have you ever feared walking out the door, never knowing if you’re going to come home to your children? Have you ever had to put on a uniform that made you a target to many? Have you ever had to put on a badge that causes more hate and avoidance, where people openly hate you, calling you a “pig” – taking slurs the same as many different other races do? Do you know what it’s like to love and fear your job all at once – every single day? Do you know what it’s like to be proud to protect your community, but knowing you’re possibly putting your life on the line to protect complete strangers? Do you know what it’s like to have to uphold a certain criteria to do your job, even though you’re fearful of what is happening out there? Have you ever had to show up to a door step to inform parents their child was just killed? Have you ever had to arrest someone and see how that changes their life, good, bad or otherwise? Do you know what it’s like to have to act and react in a split second – never knowing what that reaction may lead too?

I don’t – and I don’t think a majority of you reading do. And that also is unfair to judge! I have never, nor do I ever want too have to make a split second decision to pull the trigger out of fear, only to find out I may not have had the right to do so and cost someone their life. And I don’t care what color of a person that is, that decision is a heavy burden to carry, “right”, “wrong” or otherwise. I also can’t imagine being the spouse or parent of someone in uniform either, especially in these large cities that deal with a large amount of violence, living in fear every single day, wondering if they’re going to walk back through that door to your children. I am however, thankful there are people that are willing to do that for us! I mean one is hated for the color of their skin, another for the uniform they wear?

Question #4

Have you ever slammed on your brakes the minute you realized the car you’re about to approach is a cop, even though you knew you weren’t speeding? Have you ever either felt the need to smile and be especially nice to someone in uniform? Or, feel your blood pressure rise being in the same room, even though you know you aren’t the suspect, but feel as if they’re looking at you with suspicion?

Have you ever crossed paths with someone from a different ethnesicity and hugged your purse tighter? Have you ever seen a black man with their pants down with their ass half hanging out assuming they must be a drug dealer? Have you ever thought because they were wearing a veil or hijab they must be a terrorist? Have you ever encountered someone of another color begging for food or scrounging for change and thought ‘typical, on welfare, I’m pry paying for that’.

If any of these thoughts or reactions pertain to you, then that’s stereotyping and racism. The problem is, noone realizes they even do it because it’s something that’s been engrained in us from a child on, whether at home, school, media, friends etc. So although it’s clearly not something we’re aware of on a conscious level, it’s something a majority of us do! And these are a majority of the comments I see and hear and have heard for a long time! All these one liners we’ve deemed as acceptable to throw out there towards certain groups, from police to another religion to another color, to white trash!

Question #5 –

Have you ever done something stupid, ridiculous or foolish? Can you imagine being put under a microscope for it? Can you imagine that one idiotic move costing you your life, whether dead or behind bars? Imagine if every horseshit decision you ever made was held against you, plastered on every news station and thrown back in your face?

I for one have made plenty of mistakes, I’ve passed on the right side of the road, I’ve drank too much and put the keys in the ignition, I’ve drank under age, I’ve had sex before I was married, I’ve called other people inappropriate names, I’ve done alot of things that I’m far from proud of. I’ve had many of them held over my head and I’ve held many over others as well. There are many of these I’m not proud of, and some I am, because I learned something from them. It didn’t cost me my life, I wasn’t forever shamed and abandoned for them, I’m aware of them and attempting to correct them. So, again – do a small tally of your personal ‘stupidity’ and remember, part of this whole human experience is learning, not hating and bashing and further separating. The definition of perfection depends on the eyes of the one defining it, and it varies by a large scale depending!

WHY do we have to side with one or the other?! I mean really, for all the people complaining about I-35 being backed up because of protests, are you doing anything to help or defuse the situation besides sitting behind a screen complaining about it and blasting your opinion all over? That’s another thing we’re taught well to do – hide behind a screen – our children know this even better then we even do, it’s how they’ve been taught to communicate and fight! I mean, at the end of the day – this is a true and legit problem on so many levels, but I just can’t grasp why people think that by constantly screaming and yelling and posting and name calling (even though we’d tell our kids to not do that) that we’re solving anything?! And whether or not you feel that this particular family deserved it over the next or because of their horseshit parenting skills they had it coming. Or the fact that because they didn’t have a job they were worthless to ‘us’ anyways, gives you the right to justify it, then I guess do whatever you need too to sleep at night. As for anyone still reading this – allow me to put a slight twist on this a little more. To someone (a child – because remember, we were all children at some point, that never asked for the circumstances that we were put into) that grew up in a home with parents as meth addicts and homeless, the fact that the only drug they do is smoke pot, even if it’s around their children, they feel that they’ve improved their life. For those that grew up in physically abusive homes, watching their parents fight to no end, beating each other or their kids – the fact that those kids came out of that home only having alcohol issues, but never touching their own kids, is an improvement from the environment in which they knew. For those that went through the system, being tossed from home to home growing up, never feeling as if they were truly wanted, accepted or loved, the fact that they can hold a part time job is more stability then they’ve ever known. Do you know what the difference between a majority of us (white folk, privileged folk, wealth folk, the middle class, whatever title you want to give us) is alot of us had someone to help us. We had a support system on SOME level, whether it was family, friends, a teacher, a coach, a minister – they had someone, even if for a brief time. Someone that showed them just a little tiny bit of compassion that sparked their fire. This is something that many of us take for granted and something that not alot of people, even people close to you, truly know. That is a privilege.

In conclusion:

Is racism a problem in this country? Yes

Is police brutality a problem in this country? Yessum

Do we need law enforcement to keep us safe since we can’t all just get over ourselves and get along? Yip

Do we need law enforcement next time we or our loved one is in an accident, injured or has a health emergency? Yup

Is law enforcement often disrespected and also stereotyped? Yippers

Do we need more slander against one or the other? Nope

Do we need to feel as though we have to choose a side in order to feel like someone? As if a FB post is going to save the whole damn world and erase what is actually happening and been happening? Nada

I’m not claiming to have the answers to these many messes, I’m really not. I’ve just been trying to think of a way to not join the debate, but attempt to help put things into perspective again, for people to just take a deep breath and remember something more then black or white, in uniform or out, upper class or poverty – at the end of the day – we’re all something to someone, we’re all human, we all have emotions and most are damaged on account of things you can’t even imagine enduring, standing on both sides of the line. So, maybe instead of non-stop judgement and finger pointing we just set aside the fact that yes, there are people, of every race and profession that can ruin it for the mass, for the most part, they’re doing their best, even if it isn’t your best, according to your standards. I’ll be the first to admit this is can be extremely hard to put into play and remember on a daily basis! But, maybe if we just attempt to become more aware of our actions that we put out there and how much they actually align with what we say and preach, we could baby step our way a little closer to peace and calmness. Maybe if we just attempted to focus on one tiny little thing we all may have in common, instead of pointing out the differences so quickly, we’d have more productive conversation. And maybe if those words do get said, like we all tend to do in the moment, we attempt to make them right where we can, while we can.

I’d just like to leave you with this – the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Maybe, just maybe – we can all put down our weapons, whether gripping a loaded weapon, pounding the keys on a keyboard or pointing a finger – and just try something outside of what we’ve always done, which is fight. That’s what we resort too every single time – we feel like we have to have our guard up, armor on – ready to fight. Maybe trying the opposite, just for shits and giggles, might be of more benefit. Just maybe.…

**If this resonates with you, feel free to share on social media**

Rock Bottom

June 23, 2016August 26, 2021 / Revolution.07 / Leave a comment

Have you ever been there – that dark and deserted place, where only one person resides? It’s as if it’s covered with mirrors and despite which direction you turn, the only one you see is yourself – because you’re the only lucky SOB that gets to occupy it. First name Rock, last name Bottom – turns out she’s one deep ass hole! It doesn’t matter how you snowballed your way there, whether by choice, mistake or an outside circumstance that pushed you, the point is – you’re there. Many people have occupied this space, sometimes you’re aware of it, sometimes you’re not. the odd thing for me was, I didn’t see anyone there while I was on my trip! Perhaps because I was lucky enough to hit it at Mock 90 and had crashed and burned without even realizing it.

It’s like the morning after a tequila bender, waking up foggy, wondering where you are and who’s laying next to you and fuzzy on the details as to how they got there. Pfff – don’t act like you’ve never been there 😉

It’s as if I was standing there seeing stars – not even realizing I was actually there. As I look up, I see all the amazing people in my life rooting for me – some cheering, some praying, some blowing kisses, some giving pep talks – but all there, patiently waiting for me to find my way out. And as I look up I want so badly to be where they are – but it seemed as if it was thousands of miles out of reach. Although I saw the light that they were standing in, the darkness that surrounded me didn’t come close to that speck. It was so fucking black – and even more scary – wandering around, stumbling over every thing possible, just to have made an exact circle right back where I started.

I dabbled in multiple medications, from cholesterol meds to antidepressants, narcotics to amphetamines – some worked great while others propelled me into insanity even faster! I loved vodka (ok, fine… I still do) but I loved it to the point of oblivion every single night I didn’t have my daughter. I smoked more cigarettes in my 15 years of smoking then most do in 30, if it were cocaine, I would’ve been out of control. Give me an escape and I’d get lost in it – bury myself in it. I can’t imagine, if piled up and set in front of me the amount of cigarette butts, booze and medication bottles that would surround me! They served me, and they served me well for quite awhile. They were as close as I was going to come to a “fix” while in survival mode. And despite the people on the sidelines still cheering for me, I couldn’t clear my mind to see outside of the current circumstance I was in. There was an emptiness, a hollow hole that rested inside of me while I tangoed in the depths of rock bottom – one that could only be filled with temporary forms of satisfaction – anything and everything that sat outside of myself. Grasping – always grasping – for the next night out, the next guy, the next set of meds, the next cigarette – hoping eventually one of them was going to fill the void – fix meeee! Whether I was in a relationship or not, trashed or sober, feening for my next drag or inhaling a nice long one of a Marlboro – it was still there, perhaps to a less degree because I was preoccupied, but it hadn’t left – and it wouldn’t leave until I faced it.

To be honest, I had no idea what in the hell I was supposed to be facing! Perhaps I needed to modify my mannerisms, learn to be less insecure, maybe if I quit drinking, met “Mr. Right”, (which let’s be real, he could’ve been standing next to me the entire time and I wouldn’t have known), quit smoking, exercised more, had a flatter stomach, more toned arms, learned to be softer and less rough around the edges, learned how to do more ‘right’ things and less ‘wrong’ things – maybe then, I would inch away from the bottom. Well, turns out I tried them all – and to a degree, it did inch away from me – but there was still this “dead space” within me that all these things couldn’t fill.

How many medications does one need to numb the sadness, hate and emptiness? How many bottles or nights out? How many cigarettes? How many men? How much masking? How much faking? How much does it take before you stop to reevaluate – just to realize the only thing still standing between me and that mirror, is – well…… you! It was me – all along – the one I was running from, blaming and hating, using the temporary forms of satisfaction, swearing the next thing was going to ‘fix’ me, ‘fix’ him, ‘fix’ them, ‘fix’ that, ‘fix’ it – and here I was. Right where I had always been – standing in a room full of mirrors, screaming for help – just to realize the only one that was capable of it was me. That was a bitch of a realization, one that – to be honest – I had little to no interest in ever facing!

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Waiting Game

June 15, 2016June 16, 2016 / Revolution.07 / Leave a comment

Blog Waiting Game 2

As I reflect on what this blog has brought forth thus far, discussing, writing, feeling and ultimately ending 2 major eras in my life, I try and envision which of those 28 drafts I’d like to proceed with next. 28 arrows, all pointing to different directions and I keep getting a ‘hold’ sign. So, welcome to draft #29! Some have nothing but a title, some are started, and some are a hodge podge – but none seem to be flowing or coming together. Some call it ‘writers block’ but I keep getting this ‘not yet’ feeling – on all 28 of em! here I sit in front of a blank piece paper to see where #29 will lead me!

We’re currently on summer break and it’s a toss up around our house as to who is generally more ready for this break, my daughter or myself! By May, I’m just as checked out, (if not more checked out) of the school jazz as she is. It’s as if since the dust of another school year has settled, I’m just an observer of life, my own as well as others – just reflecting on what has come and went. I look at my daughter has who has ‘graduated’ or ‘survived’ another year of middle school. And I think, did I enjoy it? So many of those days were mundane with repetition, of constantly reminding, (more like barking) “Come on, hurry up, get your math out” just to say “uh, you’ll have to wait until I can sit down and look at it with you” (as it turns out – I’m not smarter then a 5th grader, especially in Math!) “Hurry up and eat – you have basketball practice, did you get your reading done?” “Get in the shower – you need to get to bed!” Just so we can wake up and do this all over again, aren’t you so excited – because I sure know I am! 😉 All the while I’m secretly counting down the days until MEA, then Christmas break, then Easter break, then finallyyyyyy summer! I get this picture of waiting in a long check out line, while the cashier keeps yelling ‘NEXT!’ What’s ‘next’ on the list? Which subject, which meeting, which sporting event and where, which conference, which family get together? NEEEEEXT PLEASE!

Now we’re able to just sit back and relax, and actually enjoy each other and life before we head into what I’m sure will be even busier years ahead! There’s this part of me that’s always trying to figure how to simplify it – putting it into action seems to be the struggle! Instead of literally checking the days off the calendar, always thinking (and sometimes telling her)’just make it till Friday or it’s OK, 2 weeks left till break, just get through it’. I attempt to just pause in the midst of the insanity to just look at her while she’s eating or sleeping – just to make a mental note. But there are times even when I do, that I feel as if I can’t totally enjoy it without another app in the back of my mind reminding me that the dishes need to be done. Then, we make it to summer break with a sigh of relief and I find myself reflecting, thinking next year, I’m not going to push as much, I’m not going to make a big deal out of that Math test or whether she meets standardized testing scores. I’m not going to hint that maybe trying another sport wouldn’t hurt, or that she needs to have her head in the game when she’s on the court. These are things we’ve all been engrained to think are important. That without tip top grades, an ‘above standards’ on testing or trophies while being in multiple sporting events, we’re no one. Without a tightly wound schedule, an electronic device within arms reach or a sleep over, we simply don’t fit in. How often do we say ‘no’ to the chaos just to teach them a new board game, veg out together or go for a hike or bike ride and have ‘those’ important conversations in the silence?

Instead we wait – we wait for another break, for a different weekend that maybe there won’t be 100 things going on, or they won’t want friends over. We wait until they’re a little bigger to do this activity, until they’re a little older to have this conversation. And all this waiting leads to another season passed, another week that we ‘survived’, another school year gone. Always waiting for another time, a better day, when life ‘slows’ down. And yet we never allow it, or force it to slow down, perhaps because we don’t want it too? Perhaps when it slows, things come into focus and what if those ‘things’ aren’t all that pretty when in focus? What if when we slow down we’re forced to come to terms with the fact that we’ve aged, our kids are growing too quickly, our parents aren’t as mobile as they were before, our marriage isn’t what it used to be – then what?

I spent so much time engulfed in hurt, anger and drama. I look back at those years and think – God did I enjoy any of it? Did I appreciate it, was I grateful? Did I stop to pay attention to the simple things? Did I ever stop to watch the sunset in complete silence, without getting out my phone to take a picture of it? Did I say ‘thank you for this moment and view?’ Did I allow my mind to shut off or declutter a little every day? Did I stop and look around – really look around? That’s one thing I’ve noticed more then anything this spring – I swear the grass has never been as green as it has this year! I swear the fields never looked so nice and the contrast of the brown and the green wasn’t as prevalent. I swear the sky has never been so blue or the clouds so white and fluffy. I swear I’ve never seen a storm come in with such darkness against the blue like that! I swear I’ve never pointed out as many sunrises and sunsets to my daughter as I have in the past year, to the point there are days she notices them before I do. And then I think – I’m sure the grass has always been that green, the sky always that blue, the fields always so nicely planted – I’ve just never taken the time to notice.

We’re all so caught up in the noise and the static of the daily hustle and bustle, consumed in it, really – rarely pausing, let alone stopping to look around. Meeting the demands of work, school, parents, spouses, children, deadlines, a schedule, always running – never stopping to just take it all in. Not showing our kids what that looks like – to breathe – to look up – to just sit in the silence – to learn contentment in the basics of everyday life. It’s a disappointment that it takes a ‘vacation’ to sit in these simple reminders. I get frustrated that it takes these moments of reflection, or slowing down of ‘we made it, because we had to wish it away’ to be reminded of how often I don’t exercise it in my daily life, during the hustle and bustle. After Josie I swore that was all going to change – I swore it was going to slow down and I was going to learn to do it differently, because I was never going to live with regret like that again. Not towards another, nor towards my own life. And here I sit – trying to figure out how to mesh it all together – slow it down – appreciate it – be it – love it – balance it. So it doesn’t take a vacation , diagnosis or tragedy to have to reflect on another year gone. When I find it I’ll let you know, for I know that I will with time – and for anyone who already has – I’m open to pointers for a faster route to get there 😉

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Siblings Tribute – Jamie and Kristy

May 23, 2016May 24, 2016 / Revolution.07 / Leave a comment

kristy collage 2

Brynn and Jamie both sent me their responses to the entry on the same night. It was quite astonishing how many similarities there were between their stories. Although the response has been overwhelming in regards to the tributes, it saddens me to know how many people can truly relate to this heartbreak. Either by enduring it themselves or watching someone close to them endure it. It’s painful in all realms, each in their own way. But at the end of the day, our hope is that those reading this have a greater sense of hope in knowing they aren’t alone in their grief, their support or their fight.

*Disclaimer: A box is tissues is recommended – you’ve been warned! 😉

You and your sister (names, background, ages)- who were you both pre-diagnosis?

My name is Jamie (Puetz) Groebner, I was 29 years old when my sister Kristy Puetz was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer at the age of 37, she fought a miraculous 9 years before passing away by my side on February 21^st, 2014 at 4:15 am at the age of 46.

Who were we?? Very stubborn red heads, always looking for a good time!! Growing up with 8 years between us, we fought about everything… she was in charge of me a lot since my parents both worked outside the home. When she was mad at me she would often pinch my cheeks together with her thumb and pointer finger. I hated it. I usually ran from her, down the street to John Deere where my dad worked as a parts manager, crying my eyes out with sore cheeks. I knew he would let me stay with him until he was off.

As we grew older, we found out fairly early on in our friendship that we did a lot of the same things regardless of the fact that we lived miles apart. We liked the same music, we sang with emotion in the car, we were passionate about our friends and their lives. We were social butterflies at heart – we loved to plan a party, loved to be the life of one, and couldn’t wait to hit a happy hour somewhere! And it wasn’t for the fact of getting drunk, it was because being with our friends and laughing was so uplifting and we loved that! We loved making memories with our family & friends.

What battles (disease, metastasis, how many times in remission/relapse) did she endure and for how long?

I worked in the Baldwin Building at Mayo Clinic Rochester at the time of her diagnosis. My supervisor at the time seemed so cold hearted by not allowing me to go to Kristy’s appointments. That day when my pager went off, I picked up my phone and instantly could hear the gasps in Kristy’s voice when she paged me, through crying gasps she breathed the words cancer; and I immediately went into panic mode, I left work and ran down to the second floor to the room she was in with our family physician. I told no one where I was going because at that time none of it mattered, I just needed to be with her. The search began the next day to find the primary tumor. It felt like time stopped after days of invasive tests and biopsies, she was diagnosed with Stage 4, Grade 3, Epithelial Ovarian Cancer. The tumor had grown the size of a cantaloupe on her ovary in her abdomen. Our family hit rock bottom once we were given the grim news. Surgery was planned for March 10^th, 2005.

I think back to the morning of surgery. At the time, my husband Ryan and I were living in Mazeppa. Kristy and I talked on the phone most of that evening, as she packed. I met my parents and her at the hospital the next morning, and immediately started taking pictures of her because at that time, her Oncologist told her she had maybe a year, if not less to live. I started documenting everything that day. The updates, the calls, the pacing, I remember that feeling of my stomach turning inside out, sort of the way it feels writing this, complete torture. The worst part – I had to attend a mandatory meeting with HR at work or I risked losing my job. In the middle of that meeting I started crying, I couldn’t believe I was sitting there and not with my family. I said something along the lines of ‘while all of you are worried about who’s doing what at work, my sister is in surgery’, (I may have said a few other not so appropriate words as well) but I was so upset. I walked out, ran back to Methodist hospital, thinking for sure I was going to lose my job.

I just made it back to her room when the resident surgeon came up to talk to us. They opened Kristy up from sternum to pelvic bone and searched through her entire cavity to make sure they got as much cancer as possible. My first reaction was to hug her, that’s when the tears fell. My parents and brothers were there, each of them walked away engulfed with their own emotion. We heard the elevator chime… I can still see her rolling down the hall at 6pm. She was so swollen, the largest I’ve ever seen her, all of it fluid. We were warned she would look like this, however it was so hard to see her look so different, (in the operating room they inverted the bed to help with the positioning of her intestine so they could work on detecting all of the cancer) little did we know this would be the new norm of her many hair and body changes.

I started talking to her right away, telling her I loved her, and that they got it all… I’ll never forget her eye opening just a little and tears fell… she heard me loud and clear. That night I slept in a chair, not a recliner although I wished for one, it was a wooden desk chair, but I kept telling myself, the pain I feel from getting a bad night’s sleep is nothing compared to what she is going through.

The next day I asked for a bigger room and by the third day we upgraded to a larger room, and I finally got a sofa sleeper. We watched so many movies, when it was nap time she always told me to put in Legal Eagles with Robert Redford in it…. that usually had us both sleeping in minutes! I never left the hospital during her stay. I helped her shower which may have been a true test of sisterhood. 😉 She had 3 drains coming out of her abdomen and it took her a while to be able to stand up without excruciating pain. Until she had the drains removed and enough strength to stand on her own I would get part way in the shower with her to wash her while she held on to her drains, shaking in pain, crying for me to hurry. My tears silently falling at the situation in front of us.

She even had me make a photo guest book of all her visitors, taking each person’s picture as they stopped by or as flowers and gifts were delivered. I had them sign a get well note on each page where their picture would be, and we put it together after she was dismissed and before she started chemo. Through it all, there were lots of tears, and lots of laughs too. She made the best of it, and never let people think it was as hard as it really was.

Kristy started chemo 6 weeks later, in April of 2005. From there it was recurrence in 2009 revealed through a liver biopsy, followed by a different regimen of chemo. In January of 2011 it was discovered that she had mets to liver and in the right lower quadrant. That round of chemo had to be discontinued due to severe dermatitis. Then it was hospitalization for a small bowel obstruction, which was the first of a few to follow. By November of 2011, the Ovarian cancer showed up again in the CT of her abdomen and pelvis. More chemo, more hospitalization, more operations, more nausea, more struggles, more tears, more heartache, more fighting. This roller coaster continues on and off with multiple hospital admissions until there were no more options.

Explain what impact this had on you personally and how it changed both of your lives/perspectives, good and bad.

I lost my best friend. The first half of our lives we argued and acted as if we hated one another…actually I drove her crazy, yet all I could think of was being just like her. When it changed, we had a connection like I’ve never had with any friend. Only sisters know what I mean when I say that, and I don’t mean to say it in a bad way because I have some truly great friends who I care about as if they were my sisters. But it does not compare to the bond I had with Kristy, one that was built long ago. The bond that holds our past, our childhood, our family trips, our countless phone calls, and an understanding of one another, our bond, was solid as any iron or stone. Unbreakable.

The treasures are the countless strangers, physicians and nurses who became our friends and the connections she made at the chemo, which is more like a gas station really. The countless beds and chairs stationed in one area where everyone checks in to get filled up on poison. Kristy though, she changed the tempo on Gonda 10… if you ever visited her there, you always had an idea of what room was hers. It was always the loudest! And she didn’t like to sit in the chairs much unless she was only going to be there for an hour or two. In and out she’d say, I want to hit happy hour at Jonnys! And if her cycles ran longer than that she usually asked for a room with a bed, because the pre-meds would make her tired. After her nap you would usually find her up walking the halls with her IV pole checking on others she had met the week before. Sharing a joke, there was always laughter or, her calling maintenance to come fix something she seen was wrong. Everyone loved her. She brought social hour to chemo and she made it better by just being there. She yearned for hope from others yet she gained so much more.

Genetics is a huge factor. After three tries we finally found out why she got it. The Gene mutation BRCA1. If my sister wasn’t so aggressive in her fight and in her curiosity of ‘why me’ … we wouldn’t know. And with that knowledge she has saved me by making me promise her I would get tested. To think all the while I was trying to save her, in the end she saves me. Wow – that is love!

What did this consist of for you personally – to recall being a cheerleader on the sidelines, observing, but being unable to save them? (Ultimately the trauma of being the survivor).

From day one, I researched, I did everything I could have done to save her. I called all over the world looking for the right clinical trial. Each one would get shot down by different doctors due to a certain chemo she had taken, or the numbness in her feet and hands, the length of her disease, the stage, where it had metastasized. Each time I thought I found one that might work I would send it to a team of doctors I worked with who were my backbone of soldiers with their medical education. They would compare her to the study and we would all determine what the outcome would be. I, of course would not take no for an answer so I would enroll her, only to find out later she wasn’t a match. I needed concrete information to prove me just what they had told me all along. Her cancer sucked the energy out of both of us. Watching someone I care so deeply get knocked back down after enduring so much. Time and time again she inspired people by keeping that smile on her face, even when deep down, she was miserable.

The illness itself is exhausting. Her only chance was the poison that was pumped into her body, and she had to find the strength and courage to stay alive through fatigue, vomiting, pain and sadness. She just did what any of us would do. Fight like hell to stay alive. Because that is all she wanted, was to live, love and be happy. The worst part, the suffering in the end… let’s be honest – it is what it is right….suffering? The cancer starved my sister. Suffering. It produced road blocks in her gut and her gut stopped working. Suffering. She could no longer eat or absorb nutrients. Suffering. She had a peg tube placed in her abdomen to help relieve the pressure so she didn’t continue to vomit multiple times a day. Suffering.

Do you feel you’re meant to do something differently with your life because of her death? And if so, what is your hope/goal? How do you want her to live on?

I was in nursing school prior to both my mom and sisters’ diagnosis. I was released on a compassion leave from the program when my mom was diagnosed with terminal small cell lung cancer on March 8^th, 2013. I returned in the spring after her death, however my return date was only a few days after my sister was discharged home on hospice. I wasn’t able to finish then either and was given my second check mark, meaning I wasn’t allowed to return. If I were to ever be a nurse I needed to start the program over. I felt as though I failed my family, my goals, and it was so stressful, but my heart was broken. School didn’t matter as much as my mom and sister – nothing does when you’re in that situation. Thankfully, I learned enough in school to know how to care for them and understand what was going on with their bodies, and to feel confident enough to be able to follow their wishes to die at home. For years my role was to help Kristy fight her cancer, then I was helping my mom too.

I’ve definitely changed. I was by her side to help her, guide her, and cheer her on, lift her up when she was at her worst, give her hope, and coach her through. When she died my caregiver role was over. I was lost… numb. The pain was like a dagger being shot into my heart and twisted a hundred times. Over time, when I thought that pain would subside… I would be forced to be reminded it hadn’t… it’s only gotten more bearable. She was such a good person, sister, daughter, and an amazing aunt to my kids, and nephews, and Godmother to my son. For months I felt like I was walking around in a fog. Then I had genetic testing done only to find I was BRCA1 positive too. One blow after another, the hits just kept on coming. Surgery, menopause, patches, depression, wow…

Each day I think about her, and I think about what little I have went through and how awful I feel one day and how great I feel the next. I can’t even fathom what Kristy went through but I will say, I have learned how she put on her mask each day and made the best of it. I return to the promises I made to her that I would stay involved in her fight. I want to continue to help spread awareness to others about this horrible disease. I hope as time goes on I can actually stand in front of an audience and not cry while I talk about her because I miss her so much. My goal is to continue to be an advocate for others by staying involved in the organizations that she was passionate about.

Kristy was my best friend, my sister, my rock. I thank God each day that he chose us to be sisters…

_______________________________________________________________

In closing I want to share a wonderful note sent to her from a physician friend of ours: it’s pretty powerful so be ready…

First of all, please accept my condolences for your loss. It has been a terrible year for the Puetz family. It just a year ago when Kristy’s mother was diagnosed with cancer and died within only a few months. Kristy had a different course, living 10 years with cancer but, in the end, it also took her from us. We are here today to mourn the death of Kristy but also to commemorate her life.

I met her through Jamie around the time of Kristy’s cancer diagnosis and over the years have had the privilege of being her friend. We talked about many things but more than any subject was about how cancer affected her life. She was treated initially with the hope of cure but when the cancer came back the first time she realized she would never be cured. Being told one has cancer is an enormous shock because it is our expectation that our bodies will keep on working. When young, we don’t even think about our health. We have injuries, infections, and so on but we always assume it will be ok and we will recover. Being told one has cancer changes this forever because the body failed us in a way it was never supposed to. Even when cancer is treated successfully, we are never the same.

Kristy handled her cancer better than anyone I have seen. She seemed to always look at the better side of life and, although she had her down days, she went on with the expectation she would be well. Some people put their life on hold thinking they will resume it when the cancer is cured. They forget to live when they should be celebrating every day they have. Kristy did this; she had an illness but she was well.

I ask my patients if they have a spiritual part of their lives. What gives their life meaning? For some it is their faith but for others it is family, work, health, hobbies, volunteerism, pets and so on. Each person has a different answer, but the basic question is “Why do I get out of bed each day?” Because we “have to” is not a good reason. We get out of bed to do something, see someone, accomplish something; we look forward to the day. When health and other life changes occur, what we have relied on to give us meaning may no longer be possible. This may be a crisis because these things serve as our energy supplies and are the reasons should want to get better. The ability to find new reasons when the old are no longer possible is resilience. Kristy was amazingly resilient and why she is an inspiration to many. She found new reasons to live as long as her body would allow.

Funerals are for the living. We honor the dead by coming together to mourn our loss but also to celebrate their lives, remember what they mean to us and to tell their stories. Funerals should also remind us that we too are mortal and someday people will gather to remember us. We all should live our lives with this in mind in all our dealings with others, in our coming and going, in how we behave, and determining what will our legacy will be? We need to live mindfully which means being mentally present each day. Some people spend much of their time thinking about the past with regret or anger. Some spend all their time thinking about the future worried about what will happen and our inability to control it. We don’t, however, spend much time thinking about the present, yet it is the only thing we have. I think this is best said by Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 6 25-34.

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life ? 28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

We also need to live our life remembering it is not our own. Our life is a gift of God and we need to be ever mindful of Him. We should live our life seeking Him and his righteousness because some day we will answer to Him about what we did with our life.

I am sorry I cannot be there with you today but my thoughts and prayers are with you in this time of loss.

Larry Bergstrom

_______________________________________________________________

This is a speech that Kristy had written for the Corn on the Cob Day Pageant.

This is a shortened and modified version to bring out some of the humor that Kristy brought forth in her every day life. While highlighting some of her own strength and bravery – that she worked so hard to bring forth during her own trials and tribulations. I have no doubt it was God’s will to help her help others during their journey, along with her mindset and attitude – is what brought her far beyond that original grim diagnosis of less then a year to live. To be the light through the dark, the humor through the pain and the rock through the unsteady waves.

“I always thought when I lost my hair I would be devastated. Well that wasn’t so bad….the thing I missed most about losing my hair was losing my eye lashes. I just felt naked without them….the best part was I didn’t have to shave my legs and my skin was so soft! I know there really isn’t any “best” part about cancer but if I had to pick one that would be it!!

Cancer is scary, it’s a scary word to anyone and living with it isn’t easy, but I tell myself that I am not going to let this cancer change me or anything I liked to do. IT WAS NOT GOING TO CONTROL MY LIFE!

I was told that my life would be like riding on a roller coaster. The cancer would be active then dormant, I’ll go on a break and so on and so forth.

Cancer is devastating………………………..to everyone touched by it.

I have learned a lot throughout this journey. There have been a lot of tears but there has also been a lot of laughter. I’ve met so many people, and shared my story to others who get diagnosed so they know what to expect… or what to try that has worked for me – even though each case is different. And if you know me, or follow my caring bridge page, weird things tend to happen to me and all you can do……….. is just laugh! Because I try to live my life to the fullest each day, and I try not to let this disease or anything else bring me down.

The theme for you is “home of the brave’ … and each of us is brave in our own way, my bravery comes from deep inside myself knowing I’m not giving up…..knowing I have an enormous support system in my family and friends.

For the girls sitting up here tonight…. Courage and bravery are not just about facing risk, but also, afterward, about going back to the people you love, your community and sharing your experience, and encourage them to be strong.”

Kristy

*If this resonated with you, feel free to share on Social Media – not only to raise awareness but to bring hope to any who may be struggling*

Final Sunset

May 20, 2016May 25, 2016 / Revolution.07 / Leave a comment

blog sunset collage 1

We placed that stone almost a year later, and I’ve hated it ever since. The coldness, harshness and permanence it brings every time just reiterates and reminds me of what we already hate to have to face. Another birthday is here, which means another year without a missing link sitting around the table to blow out 28 birthday candles. Another day spent with an especially heavy feeling in my heart while running through my mind all of the ‘who would you be today’ questions. From her occupation, to relationship status, her hair cut and color, to her current address or possible little ones running around – it’s impossible not to play out the endless possibilities of scenarios. As I sat staring at that stone last night, I noticed the perfect reflection of the sun set staring back at me. I thought of what the reflection of what her last sunset meant and what it has brought in the 8 years since.

This week has been a heavy one for many reasons beyond this – but the primary reoccurring theme has been the reminder that death surrounds us. Doing these tributes and reading the heartbreaking stories of others’ lives that were shattered on account of ugly diseases, forces me to ask myself the question “what do I want my last sunset to look like?” I keep reminding myself that all the things that I’m unsatisfied with in my life right now – aren’t anywhere near what I want that sunset to look like as I take my last breath on this earth. So as I run through these countless thoughts of what she’d be doing if we were all sitting around that table together, I look in that reflection on that stone and also see myself. And I think to myself – “self” 😉 you are still sitting here celebrating more birthdays, so – who and what are you doing that feeds and fills your soul? While there are some things – such as being a mom – that I am proud of – there are other things that consume large amounts of my time, that aren’t in alignment with what I actually love or am passionate about. While I’ve spent the past couple years trying to bridge these ideas and things together, unable to make a complete connection as to how or where I want to go next – I’m forced to be reminded that maybe in the end, none of the minor details matter. It’s just another push towards something more, something bigger, something outside the mundane. It’s as if we’re almost sitting and waiting for death to come knocking just so we can attempt to make it all right when that reality has become ours. Only then do we either live engulfed in regret and guilt, or try and make it all right when we know the end is near. Why do we do that? Why do we wait? Why do we work our entire lives just to hit a certain age to retire and actually ‘enjoy’ life and be stress free? Why do we wait until our kids are older or we have grandchildren to change the way we think about and interact with our kids? Why do we work our entire lives to pay off things we think we need, only to be surrounded by those things in the end to realize how completely unnecessary they are?

Although this day is a reminder of many things that will never come into fruition for Josie on another birthday that she isn’t able to celebrate – it’s also a reminder to ask ourselves what we want left – either etched permanently on that stone or painted on that final sunset of our lives. I want that sunset to be bright and beautiful, full of many vibrant colors that others remember for decades to come. I want it to consist of change, hope and healing from the inside out. And this is a reminder that we are still here, and we still have the opportunity to make it what we want, while we can.

I wanted to share this, as I thought it summed so many things up perfectly 🙂 This is part of an entry made by Chandra Nicole (her writing is amazing by the way, highly recommend following on FB, or reading the full entry on Elephant Journal at http://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/05/a-lesson-about-true-love-where-to-find-it/ )

“But I think the lesson that’s most pressing here is the understanding that impending ‘death’ allows us to be present, which is where true love resides.

It allows us to live fully and to see what’s truly important… and also what’s total bullshit. When ‘the end’ is near, moments become intrinsically precious.

Parting ways with this man, has shown me that more clearly than anything before.

I wonder how differently we might live our lives if we were to really understand that everything dies at some point; that the only constant in this universe is change, and that within each change there is a mini-death.

In what ways are we resisting life by resisting death?

If we were to interact with everything, everyone, every relationship — with full awareness of the fact that it may soon die, how might we choose differently?
What might we say differently?
How would we show up differently?

What would matter?
And what wouldn’t?

What might LOVE actually look like in the space of total surrender and complete presence?”

-Chandra Nicole

Happy birthday Miss Josie – although we’d prefer you were here to cheers that drink with – thank you for all that you’ve taught and continue to teach us as we walk blindly through this thing called life.

Jos bday collage 2016

	Chasing Taillights \|… on Behind the Badge
	Behind the Badge \| R… on Chasing Taillights
	duchesschimzy on 2019 The Year of Trust
	Peg Walch on 2019 The Year of Trust
	Inside Looking Out… on A Million Pieces

Revolution.07

all great changes are preceded by chaos

revolution

Inside Looking Out – Joshua

Santa Monica

Perfect Storm

OUT of the darkness, means bringing LIGHT to it.

Autopilot

Noise and Static

Rock Bottom

Waiting Game

Siblings Tribute – Jamie and Kristy

Final Sunset

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