be the change

Perfect Storm

/ Revolution.07 / 2 Comments

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There’s no denying hindsight is 20/20. We’ve all looked back on situations in our life and thought “how the hell did I not see that coming?” There were all of these passive thoughts and feelings…inklings that we chose to ignore, thinking they were of false pretense. Only in the end for there to be this explosion, this devastating storm that leaves us low and drained, fueled with a tornado of emotions that were suppressed but now raging. I’ve had 2 major life experiences where focusing on  the hindsight nearly killed me, both in a depressive, as well as an anger driven state. Two different experiences, fueled by different underlying factors – death and divorce. Both spent in states of replaying what I coulda, shoulda, woulda changed. But the divorce, I would have to say -was far more prevalent as far as indicating signals – random thoughts, gut instincts that something was off, change in behavior – that was one that I could’ve changed, but instead chose to ignore. And as much as I hated him, I began to hate myself even more, for ignoring what I knew was truth, instead choosing to tell myself otherwise.

There are many things in this life that hindsight serves us, but by the time it does, it’s often too late. It’s that whole ‘hind’ part of it that really doesn’t do us much good. However, it works nicely when needing to keep people suppressed – by guilt, depression, anger, hate, sadness – alot of the times focusing on that rear view mirror that we’ve been spoon fed to believe we have to feel shitty for – for the rest of our lives – that we rarely ever stop to think about foresight. What if, instead of waiting for more bad things to happen, or continuing to live in misery and victimization of our current circumstances (only to have another reason to debate or complain about) – we chose to get ahead of it? What if, we could change and alter the outcome of our personal lives, community, nation and global problems? In order to do such a thing, we’d have to be willing to look beyond a veil that has always blanketed us, fogging our vision and mindset.

As we look around the world, both within our country and beyond, we see this fueled fire almost everywhere. This state of chaos that seems uncontrollable. All of these emotions and opinions that are constantly voiced in defense of every angle. Everyone is wondering how in the hell we’ve ended up here, taking a look around this country wondering what land we’re standing on. I find it interesting, that the more I listen to people discuss issues ranging from Kaepernick to the ND pipeline, from 9/11 to our current financial state, from Bradgelina’s current relationship status to political views- the more I realize the only thing I’m hearing is – well – complaints and opinions, none of which seem to be targeted towards a solution, instead so many feeling helpless and victimized, angry and depleted. There’s what seems to be an ever growing division of ‘groups’ – black lives matter, white lives matter, all lives matter – those that appreciate what Kaepernick is standing, (or shall I say not standing for), and those that demand the respect of the American flag and what it stands for. We’ve got Trump supporters, Hilary supporters and straight up non-supporters. We’ve got Catholics, Lutherans, Protestants, Muslims and Baptists, we’ve got the upper class, the dwindling middle class and ever growing lower class. This, is clearly the tip of the iceberg as to what people debate about, but are some of the “hotter” topics.

I invite you to see what a perfect storm is being created here. The circus gets more entertaining while those in the background play with their puppets, making them dance and sing, fight and argue, promise and lie juuuuuust the way they want them too – oh no I’m sorry – let me rephrase, the way they want us too – turns out we’re part of the show! (bet you didn’t know you were going to be casted eh?! 😉 Now, I know this is going to be tough for many to swallow, and it was for me as well – but please, allow me to entertain you for a bit…not for debate – because that’s not what I’m going for – instead for awakening, for freedom, outside of any flag, of any government, of any 1% – beyond all of that – freedom to think and act for yourself while the barriers around these old belief systems begin to crumble. Because if we truly want change, like I hear everyone say they want change – it isn’t up to any of “them” to do that for us – it’s up to US as a human race to do it for ourselves. There isn’t any president, any congress, or any judge that is going to solve this for us, and the problem is, we’ve relied on others to do it for us, for far too long. In that process, (and I’m not talking in terms of a couple Presidential terms, I’m talking hundreds of years) we – as a collective – not only as Americans, but as a human race have lost ourselves, our freedoms, our love, our dreams and our unity.

What if, instead of being the puppets that we’ve always been, choosing to point the finger towards the next guy, as we’ve always done before, (and we’ve been trained to do it well!) – we chose to look beyond the obvious. We’ve been stuck in this sickening cycle, whether it was blaming the Indians for not getting off “our” land or those that don’t respect our flag the way you think they should, or that we feel we’re superior enough above all others to build a wall, it’s just run around, always coming back to the same basic convo – giving a war for the egos to justify who’s “better”. If we want change, we’d have to be willing to shut off all the opinions and blame – choosing to see what lies behind all of these smaller distractions. Here are the pictures that come to mind for me – it’s Alice in Wonderland, it’s watching Katnis in the Hunger Games shoot the arrow in the arena, to prove that there’s a glitch in the system, that the arena is fabricated. It’s watching Four and Tris in the Allegiant climb over the wall to realize what is actually going on outside of their little segregated lives to view the ‘behind the scenes’. For those that aren’t familiar with any of those, think of it as a magic show – you see the trick on the stage, but you’re unaware of what is happening behind the scenes to create this illusion that you’re awed over. It’s simply waking up – it’s realizing that there is a ‘behind the scenes’ and it’s very much dominating us, not only as a nation, but as a race. It’s the ‘great divide’ in The Land Before Time. 😉 You see, if you keep people so preoccupied with constantly debating and fighting amongst themselves, while throwing in some Pokemon Go to distract them a little longer and farther, then they’ll be so busy with that, they’ll have no clue that anything at all is beyond that wall or the man made arena, beyond the veil of the illusion in which has been created. They have done it, and they’ve done it very well – and they’ve done it for yeeeears – as in hundreds!

They’ve put together such perfect systems in order to keep separation, I mean really, you have to give them credit for how nicely it was thought out and even better how well it’s played out. This is obvious in ways both big and small, you simply can not suppress a person and expect that at some point there won’t be kickback. On a smaller scale, it may be misery in a job or a relationship, despite the reasoning behind it or for it – everyone has their breaking point. So whether this behavior is lashing out at a partner, boss or child, more often then not, it’s coming from something beyond that current situation at hand. Have you ever lashed out at someone over something minuet, when that wasn’t even the real reason you were angry in the first place? It’s like screaming at your spouse for not putting their dirty clothes in the hamper, when in all reality, it had nothing to do with the damn clothes, it had everything to do with the 10 shitty things that happened in your day before that! Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about – you’ve all had your 15 minutes of fame in the realm of nut houses! 😉 Ha The problem is, noone takes the time to evaluate where in our lives we’re being sucked dry, suppressed etc. This is a perfect example of why you have uprisings, this is why you have protests, although not always done in the best fashion, people are just sick of being shushed! They want to have a voice, even if sometimes that voice doesn’t know where exactly it stands or what it’s trying to express. Even if that voice leads to actions that aren’t in their best interest. I’m not okaying people’s bad behavior, but honestly what are we to expect?! Everyone is full of opinions, that’s obvious, but it’s reached a point where people are starting to realize that talking in circles isn’t getting us anywhere. So, while some are still so stuck on the part (as if we’re in elementary school) needing to take a “side” for or against all these different causes, some are just plain and sick of tired of talking and debating over it and feeling as though they have to take a stance. For me personally, it isn’t about what each of these groups are standing for, it’s about taking a stance, as a unified front against a system that most don’t agree with, and a system that sure as shit isn’t transparent in ANY form. It’s about taking back our power, as a people – preferably in a non-violent way, but in one that isn’t dictated by these people behind the screen. It’s about getting back to the basics – as in morals. It’s about less judgement upon each other and instead putting the spotlight on those puppets and people that sit in these “high and mighty” places. And not a spotlight asking questions just to get the same lies that we’ve heard a million times over either, instead forcing them to expose all the things we’ve been fed to believe are nothing but conspiracy theories

 I would just like to say, there are parts of these entries that may be heavily saturated with sarcasm, turns out there isn’t a font for that yet. 😉 However, I in no way, mean to offend anyone. The thing is, we’re all in this together, and we’re all as guilty as the next guy to some degree. So it isn’t about degrading, it’s about bringing forth an awareness to something that is foreign to far too many. As with anything, there must first be awareness before there can be true change. This is also something that people will be forced to see over the next few years. This isn’t any of our faults, and yet to a degree, I suppose it’s all of our faults, for not questioning, for believing the stories, for not doing our own research, aside if ‘everyone else was doing it’, for giving into their circus and getting caught up in the webs they so perfectly wove. However, that isn’t the point, the point is, we’re here – and by being here – we have the opportunity to change it. The number one problem with this, is there aren’t many that truly believe that what they do on a personal level can impact on a global level. I’d just like to say welcoooome to the 1st bullshit lie you’ve been fed! This is only the surface of so many other underlying things, but it’s just a glimpse to hopefully allow your conscious mind to plant a seed outside of what it’s been taught. One that I hope will ignite a flame that will become more curious, intriguing you to do your own investigating, or just be willing to look at things from a slightly different angle. Because oddly enough those “bogus” articles or “insane conspiracy theories” may not be quite as “bogus” or “insane” as you originally thought. I guess at this point – nothing is going to hurt, right?! The way things have been done haven’t gotten us anywhere – except more pissed off and separated, maybe if we were willing to go against the grain of what everyone else is doing, in a new way – we could lay a more solid foundation for something new.

 The less we give into the circus and games they toy us with and the more we start to realize that taking a stand in a new and different way may be more beneficial. Clearly, this whole play by their rules and vote for someone who swears they’ll make it better isn’t making anything better – why? Because they’re in it for their own reasons – none of which lines up with what is best for the overall majority, and I don’t care which party you’re voting for, that is the plain and simple fact. You can’t whole heartedly trust someone with every fiber of your being when you agree with less then half of their basic moral viewpoints. We don’t agree or believe in half of what they say and yet out of obligation of being a citizen (as we’ve been fed to believe) we feel we’re terrible people if we just straight up quit giving into their game, aka voting. What happens when all the players on a football field or basketball court step off the playing grounds? The game is over isn’t it? Why would this be any different? Are there things that may go along with the fall and rise of old and new government, yes, that’s a good possibility. But if we want change then we have to be willing to walk through the dips in order to see the view from the other side. And what helps make that walk a little easier in any area of our lives? Others to walk it with. The more we stick together and continue to walk off the playing field one by one, the more we’ll have to walk side by side with, giving comfort as we go.

So, the more we begin to look beyond the little segments of media creating more fear, hate and division and chose to come together as a whole, perhaps the quicker we’ll see the change that is desperately needed! So, in order to not just talk this talk, but also walk this walk – you’ll have to be willing to play with a few ‘out of the box’ ideas. If you’re willing to put down your ego and set aside all the shit you’ve ever been fed to believe is “right, just, good, brave, honorable, bad, unjust, criminal or disrespectful”, if you’re willing to put down some of your belief systems (by the way, all of 80% of what we do/say/believe is based off of someone else’s ideas, we picked it up along the way, either from school, parents, friends, media or society – original is few and far between these days lol) then maybe we can all come out on the other side, perhaps even better then before!

**If you are sick of being a sheep hearded along and are ready to help awaken those still sleeping, then please share on social media**

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

OUT of the darkness, means bringing LIGHT to it.

/ Revolution.07 / Leave a comment

blog-otd-walk-collageIf there’s one thing I hope this blog does for all who stumble across it is, to offer a sense of hope. To bring light to conversations, emotions, thoughts and struggles that so many of us face on a daily basis, but are often too fearful to bring up at the supper table. This is many people’s real life, whether it’s disease, finances, addiction, divorce, or death – these topics are too many people’s traumas and tragedies. While some have been able to triumph over these road blocks, there are still many stuck, unable to see outside of their current circumstances. These are conversations, that until we start having them – aren’t going to go away. Every change must first begin with awareness. I am hoping that this will shed some light and awareness on many different topics and emotions that I think more people will be able to resonate with, at some point in their life, then not. My hope is that this is the beginning of many more conversations to come within your life, ones with rawness, vulnerability, empathy and compassion. May this be the planting of new seeds of awareness, as well as hope in each persons life that comes across this, may you know you aren’t alone in your struggles and that the light always follows the darkness, so please – hold on.

I had the to opportunity to speak at our community walk this weekend, Out of the Darkness. This walk is to promote awareness and education, as well as support to the conversation of mental illness and suicide. This is something that no matter what – is just a heavy event, it’s really hard for it not to be, as these are heavy topics that come with heavy feelings and emotions surrounded by them. I really wanted this years talk to be different then I had done in years’ past, I wanted it to be general but specific, acknowledging all who were there and their stories, honoring whatever current stage they were in on their journey – but also bringing forth a lighter note  as well.

This is something that I want to include as an entry because for most of us standing at this event, we already knew all too well what standing on the other side of this hell feels like, carrying the guilt of not seeing the signs or being more proactive, the heart wrenching fact that they felt so isolated, empty and sad to be able to continue on is something we know all too well and it’s something that brings us to tears every time we think of what they endured and what it took for them to follow through. But the point isn’t just for those of us that now fit under the category of ‘suicide survivor’, it’s something that people need to be aware BEFORE they hit that point. It’s something that needs to be talked about MORE in homes around the supper table, no matter how uncomfortable that can be. The words “suicide” and “depression” need to be used more often, so that they roll off the tongue as easily as “pizza” and “sunshine”.

I’d like to share my story, to hopefully shine some light on this subject, as well as promote more light on such a dark and heavy subject. And I hope you’re willing to share this, to bring forth light to others as well – for you never who many stumble across it that may be in need of it.

” I, like most of you here, am a survivor of suicide after losing my sister Josie to a losing battle of clinical depression in 2007. It wasn’t until after that day that I was forced to feel the depths of the valleys in which she, and many others have walked. Through those years of darkness and fog I endured the sobering truth of what standing on this side of not only mental illness feels like, but what carrying the heaviest burden of all feels like – guilt.

We all stand here in different parts of our journey, ranging from months to years, with different stories. From veterans unable to co-exist in a world that had become foreign to them upon returning from the damage that couldn’t be undone, to those who had side effects to medications that forced them in the opposite direction of the intent of that medication, to an impulsive decision with what may have seemed like the only last piece to the puzzle, to just being sick and tired of attempting to fight what seemed like a losing battle through the darkness.

The details that go along with our loved one’s story, the aftermath for all of us standing here, is one we wouldn’t wish upon anyone. The reverberation that suicide generates, despite your stage in the grieving process, is all too familiar. To feel as if there were no other way out aside from this, to be so enveloped and suffocated in a deep and dark place is something that no individual should ever have to endure.

There isn’t a prerequisite needed in order to fall under this hush hush category, as we have seen that money nor fame can buy happiness or make you invisible from this crippling disease. From famous people such as Kurt Cobain and Robin Williams, to the ever growing numbers, especially in teens, due to the pressures of the world around them, to adults due to financial, work, home and relationship stressors and lack of facilities and treatment options. Simply being unable to talk about it in public, even in our own homes because we have made it taboo and an uncomfortable topic, and some just honestly not knowing how to respond. It almost always comes back to the feeling of being isolated and alone.

A large contributing factor for this being the third leading cause of death is the sheer lack of hope in so many. The feeling that others can’t relate, or that you’re the only one enduring these thought processes. We are in a time where electronics have silenced us even more, tearing us away from human connection and compassion. We have entered into an era where the world around us seems to get crazier by the day, full of noise and static, opinions, debate and fog – it can be hard to find that light of hope to focus on.

It took me a long time to see beyond those first years of darkness, to gain a different perspective, but I honestly believe that it is up to those of us that have endured the pain of losing someone to this terrible cause of death because we are needed to be the beacon of light through the darkness.

When we begin to break down these barriers of fear and hopelessness, allowing light to stream in through the concrete walls that have barricaded us from each other, we can begin to see that healing can be possible. Perhaps it is then that our loved ones stories can begin to affect and shift the masses in a new way, letting others know that this isn’t the end, that they are supported and loved and that we’re here to help, educate and facilitate. Perhaps it is then that we can help them see through a new lens, one that brightens instead of dims, educates instead of criticizes and one that comforts instead of torments. Although this event is held with heavy hearts as a reminder to those who have taken their own lives, I hope today can also be about remembering to carry on their story, that despite our age, from young to old alike, reminding ourselves that we all have the ability to reach out in ways big and small to help others, to bring awareness to a conversation that has been silenced for far too long and to bring light to others around us, in whatever manner possible. May today be about more than just a reminder of the guilt and sadness that many carry inside, but may it be about reigniting hope and a light into a world that needs it more now than ever. “

**If this resonates with you, please feel free to share on social media in the hopes of helping any who may stumble across it.”

Autopilot

/ Revolution.07 / Leave a comment

skyraysoflight9-16We’ve all experienced those moments of life altering, earth shattering pain. The one that forces you into your body, to awaken you from a state of cruise control. It comes in many different forms, at different points in our lives, all on a different scale, having a different effect but it is one that refuses to be anything but felt. At 16, it’s the break up with your first boyfriend, perhaps later a divorce. For a firefighter it’s going to a call only to be forced to watch a family watch their home be devoured by flames, to the EMT it’s responding to a fatal accident. To a soldier it’s pulling the trigger for the first time on another life, or perhaps watching one of his own men being taken by another. It’s the phone call of an unexpected death, the diagnosis of a disease, watching another’s life end before your eyes. It’s watching a child go hungry, die from lack of vaccinations or a fatal disease. It’s losing a job, the function of a body part, or the aftermath of a natural disaster. All of which demand the attention of the human emotions, as if jolted into the current reality, one where time literally seems to stop. The cruise control has been halted, from 60 to 0.

It is that slow drip of water in a pond, watching the ripples flow outward, affecting the mass, but the intensity remains within that first initial drop. A whirlwind of grief and questions, standing there looking at your life from a floor of shattered glass, unsure if it’s even your life you’re viewing. This ‘autopilot’ phase is one that jolts many, but often doesn’t truly affect, on a grander scale, those outward ripples. But, for those moments that the ripple does affect the mass, we reevaluate where we stand in life, how very small we are compared to the rest of this vast universe. We think about our days and how they’ve been spent, acknowledging that we’re truly blessed and fortunate to not have been directly effected by such tragedy. Instead, we make promises to rid our lives of excess baggage that doesn’t serve our evolution, and thank God for all he’s generously provided.
Often times, when we stand in this space, we realize how much of our life has been run on autopilot. How much we missed while going through the motions, only to realize it’s no longer an option to fix or mend, but to let flow through you, realizing the grip you have on this moment is nothing at all. The vulnerability of feeling on a deeper level, tears that won’t stop, anger that fuels, questions that may remain unanswered. It’s a space that for anyone that has ever felt it, never wants to be forced to feel it again, it instills a fear that we want to distance ourselves from as fast as possible. It’s one that never leaves, instead, only lies dormant. Only to return at the time of another reminder that autopilot is the exact place we aren’t meant to be. It’s during these times that we’re forced to reevaluate and question our very existence. Watching another endure such pain, knowing there’s no amount of words, cards or gifts that will replace what they have been or will be forced to feel and endure. It is in these moments, we make temporary promises as we mourn and truly do feel for those directly effected. We swear this is our eye opener, that we’ll become more focused on the things that make us truly happy, instead of the stress of daily life we’ve allowed to weigh us down. Instead of complaining, we’ll be more grateful, instead of fighting, we’ll be more compassionate, instead of blaming, we’ll be more empathetic of another’s viewpoint, instead of being devoured by guilt, we’ll let go of those we’ve allowed to pull us down. Because in these moments we see from a very different perspective, we see how precious and short our time here is, whether that’s 20 years or 80, it goes in a flash nonetheless. But just as quickly as it came, it often leaves. Because for those that aren’t directly affected, life goes on, and autopilot is what we so effortlessly fall back into. Getting wrapped up in our everyday lives of seemingly trials and tribulations, forgetting to pay attention, to feel or wake up from this deep sleep. Until the next ripple hits, reminding us once again that we’re human. These are the moments that are meant to break us, shake us and make us realize that this is our focus, this is a glimpse of what we’re here for, this is when autopilot is off, when we’re planted in our own bodies, grounded and reminded our days are far too short to be spent doing absolutely anything except what brings us joy. And the falsehood that we’ve been fed while on autopilot that this isn’t our truth, is the reason we’re forced to be redirected into what is.

*If this resonates with you, feel free to share on social media**

Noise and Static

/ Revolution.07 / Leave a comment

*Disclaimer: Please read at your own discretion. Preferably with an open mind 😉blog-noiseandstatic

I’ll admit I was less then happy when the only thing that would flawlessly flow from my fingertips was the entry “Rock Bottom”.  Now, I’m starting to see why – because it truly is the case for so many people right now, both locally and abroad. I’m a believer that the night is always darkest just before the dawn and that sometimes thing have to crumble in order to be rebuilt, to see it for the greater good and trust where it’s taking us. But that can be a tough one to hold onto as things seem to be progress. It’s hard not to take a look around and wonder what in the f*ck is happening to this world?!  It’s hard to overcome the fear of what’s next and what does it mean?! I think of it on a smaller scale with things happening around me, but it’s much larger then that and I think we’re all aware of that. Humanity as a whole is facing some shit right meow – shit that can’t be denied – shit that needs to be talked about, released and straight up dealt with!

However, I’m struggling with the way it’s being dealt with. In case we haven’t noticed – this blame game isn’t getting us anywhere. Whether it’s blaming our parents for a horseshit upbringing, another person for abuse inflicted upon us, the poor for our national debt problem, drugs/alcohol/addictive substances, Monsanto for poisioning us with GMO’s, Trump for his hate and discrimination, ISIS for killing thousands of innocent people, my sisters friends mother brother to a cousin for who the hell knows what – it seems to boil down to blame in some form! It comes down to pointing the finger in every direction except our own – and I’m more then guilty of this as I blame my addiction on sugar for the reason I’ve gained so much weight! ha

I’m not by any means trying to undermine what is happening around us, or the lives that have been directly affected by any of the above. This is real shit on every single level – and I’m grateful every day those aren’t my family members or friends that are directly affected by this violence. But, I feel that I need to attempt to try and put a different spin on what is happening. Hands down the most common mistake we all make, I’m just as guilty as anyone, is forgetting to stop and attempt to see things in a different light – from a different vantage point.

I’ve seen multiple posts, but have not, nor have any desire to watch the videos on who is claiming what or which side, I do not have any desire to watch someone gasp for air after he’s been shot, despite the reasoning behind it. I especially don’t have any desire considering there’s a little girl in the back seat, who’s life has been forever changed. So, I’m not going off of facts here and I’m not siding with one over another, I’m simply viewing this from some of the few opinions/responses I actually read. So, here are some questions I have that I’m just going to throw out there.

Question #1

Have you ever drank under age? Have you ever smoked weed? Have you ever done an illegal substance or drug? Have you ever not worn your seat belt? Have you ever driven with any amount of alcohol in your system that could’ve very well been above the legal limit? Have you ever urinated in public? Have you ever rolled through a stop sign?

If you have done any of these, then you too, have broken the law – and I’m willing to bet you’ve done it on more then one occasion. What is the difference between you and someone that has their name put in the paper or face on TV?  They got caught and you didn’t. Period.

Question #2

Have you ever had sex before you were married? Disrespected an elder? Used the Lord’s name in vein? Called another human being a name? Have you ever cheated – in any form, on homework, an exam or your significant other? Have you ever threatened someone’s life or dreamt about it? Despite how big or small – from your parents to your children – no matter how you choose to justify it, have you ever told a lie?

If you have ever done any of these, then you too, have been immoral – at least to the eyes of many, especially according to religious beliefs. What is the difference between you and “them”?

My point here is this (and this is something that I’ve learned within the past year about myself as well) that despite the caliber of bullet, what makes one less deadly then another? The amount that is fired, correct? It takes more rounds of a 22 to do the same damage of a 12 gauge. So, while some have larger weapons, inflicting pain on others in more obvious ways, there are even more people that do it in their daily lives, on a smaller scale. You see, that’s what we do – we all have the ammunition but we fire it differently. Most fire more frequently but because it’s of a less caliber, we can justify it. Why? Because we didn’t get caught, what – because we didn’t kill anyone, or I wasn’t that drunk! It was only 5 mph over the limit. It was just a white lie. I can bring that up because she did this to me in 2nd grade! Oh good, I’ll keep that card in my back pocket for next time he effs up. These are the subconscious things that we think – I know that, because I’ve thought them! I’ll openly admit that! Did I know at the time I thought them, no, probably not, because I self justified it – I felt I was entitled to it – I mean, besides – eff them, they’re crazy anyways, of course my reasoning is right!

Question #3

Have you ever put your life on the line – day in and day out? Have you ever feared walking out the door, never knowing if you’re going to come home to your children? Have you ever had to put on a uniform that made you a target to many? Have you ever had to put on a badge that causes more hate and avoidance, where people openly hate you, calling you a “pig” – taking slurs the same as many different other races do? Do you know what it’s like to love and fear your job all at once – every single day? Do you know what it’s like to be proud to protect your community, but knowing you’re possibly putting your life on the line to protect complete strangers? Do you know what it’s like to have to uphold a certain criteria to do your job, even though you’re fearful of what is happening out there? Have you ever had to show up to a door step to inform parents their child was just killed? Have you ever had to arrest someone and see how that changes their life, good, bad or otherwise? Do you know what it’s like to have to act and react in a split second – never knowing what that reaction may lead too?

I don’t – and I don’t think a majority of you reading do. And that also is unfair to judge! I have never, nor do I ever want too have to make a split second decision to pull the trigger out of fear, only to find out I may not have had the right to do so and cost someone their life. And I don’t care what color of a person that is, that decision is a heavy burden to carry, “right”, “wrong” or otherwise. I also can’t imagine being the spouse or parent of someone in uniform either, especially in these large cities that deal with a large amount of violence, living in fear every single day, wondering if they’re going to walk back through that door to your children. I am however, thankful there are people that are willing to do that for us! I mean one is hated for the color of their skin, another for the uniform they wear?

Question #4

Have you ever slammed on your brakes the minute you realized the car you’re about to approach is a cop, even though you knew you weren’t speeding? Have you ever either felt the need to smile and be especially nice to someone in uniform? Or, feel your blood pressure rise being in the same room, even though you know you aren’t the suspect, but feel as if they’re looking at you with suspicion?

Have you ever crossed paths with someone from a different ethnesicity and hugged your purse tighter? Have you ever seen a black man with their pants down with their ass half hanging out assuming they must be a drug dealer? Have you ever thought because they were wearing a veil or hijab they must be a terrorist? Have you ever encountered someone of another color begging for food or scrounging for change and thought ‘typical, on welfare, I’m pry paying for that’.

If any of these thoughts or reactions pertain to you, then that’s stereotyping and racism. The problem is, noone realizes they even do it because it’s something that’s been engrained in us from a child on, whether at home, school, media, friends etc. So although it’s clearly not something we’re aware of on a conscious level, it’s something a majority of us do! And these are a majority of the comments I see and hear and have heard for a long time! All these one liners we’ve deemed as acceptable to throw out there towards certain groups, from police to another religion to another color, to white trash!

Question #5 –

Have you ever done something stupid, ridiculous or foolish? Can you imagine being put under a microscope for it? Can you imagine that one idiotic move costing you your life, whether dead or behind bars? Imagine if every horseshit decision you ever made was held against you, plastered on every news station and thrown back in your face?

I for one have made plenty of mistakes, I’ve passed on the right side of the road, I’ve drank too much and put the keys in the ignition, I’ve drank under age, I’ve had sex before I was married, I’ve called other people inappropriate names, I’ve done alot of things that I’m far from proud of. I’ve had many of them held over my head and I’ve held many over others as well. There are many of these I’m not proud of, and some I am, because I learned something from them. It didn’t cost me my life, I wasn’t forever shamed and abandoned for them, I’m aware of them and attempting to correct them. So, again – do a small tally of your personal ‘stupidity’ and remember, part of this whole human experience is learning, not hating and bashing and further separating. The definition of perfection depends on the eyes of the one defining it, and it varies by a large scale depending!

WHY do we have to side with one or the other?! I mean really, for all the people complaining about I-35 being backed up because of protests, are you doing anything to help or defuse the situation besides sitting behind a screen complaining about it and blasting your opinion all over? That’s another thing we’re taught well to do – hide behind a screen – our children know this even better then we even do, it’s how they’ve been taught to communicate and fight! I mean, at the end of the day – this is a true and legit problem on so many levels, but I just can’t grasp why people think that by constantly screaming and yelling and posting and name calling (even though we’d tell our kids to not do that) that we’re solving anything?!  And whether or not you feel that this particular family deserved it over the next or because of their horseshit parenting skills they had it coming. Or the fact that because they didn’t have a job they were worthless to ‘us’ anyways, gives you the right to justify it, then I guess do whatever you need too to sleep at night. As for anyone still reading this – allow me to put a slight twist on this a little more. To someone (a child – because remember, we were all children at some point, that never asked for the circumstances that we were put into) that grew up in a home with parents as meth addicts and homeless, the fact that the only drug they do is smoke pot, even if it’s around their children, they feel that they’ve improved their life. For those that grew up in physically abusive homes, watching their parents fight to no end, beating each other or their kids – the fact that those kids came out of that home only having alcohol issues, but never touching their own kids, is an improvement from the environment in which they knew. For those that went through the system, being tossed from home to home growing up, never feeling as if they were truly wanted, accepted or loved, the fact that they can hold a part time job is more stability then they’ve ever known. Do you know what the difference between a majority of us (white folk, privileged folk, wealth folk, the middle class, whatever title you want to give us) is alot of us had someone to help us. We had a support system on SOME level, whether it was family, friends, a teacher, a coach, a minister – they had someone, even if for a brief time. Someone that showed them just a little tiny bit of compassion that sparked their fire. This is something that many of us take for granted and something that not alot of people, even people close to you, truly know. That is a privilege.

In conclusion:

Is racism a problem in this country? Yes

Is police brutality a problem in this country? Yessum

Do we need law enforcement to keep us safe since we can’t all just get over ourselves and get along? Yip

Do we need law enforcement next time we or our loved one is in an accident, injured or has a health emergency? Yup

Is law enforcement often disrespected and also stereotyped? Yippers

Do we need more slander against one or the other? Nope

Do we need to feel as though we have to choose a side in order to feel like someone? As if a FB post is going to save the whole damn world and erase what is actually happening and been happening? Nada

I’m not claiming to have the answers to these many messes, I’m really not. I’ve just been trying to think of a way to not join the debate, but attempt to help put things into perspective again, for people to just take a deep breath and remember something more then black or white, in uniform or out, upper class or poverty – at the end of the day – we’re all something to someone, we’re all human, we all have emotions and most are damaged on account of things you can’t even imagine enduring, standing on both sides of the line. So, maybe instead of non-stop judgement and finger pointing we just set aside the fact that yes, there are people, of every race and profession that can ruin it for the mass, for the most part, they’re doing their best, even if it isn’t your best, according to your standards. I’ll be the first to admit this is can be extremely hard to put into play and remember on a daily basis! But, maybe if we just attempt to become more aware of our actions that we put out there and how much they actually align with what we say and preach, we could baby step our way a little closer to peace and calmness. Maybe if we just attempted to focus on one tiny little thing we all may have in common, instead of pointing out the differences so quickly, we’d have more productive conversation. And maybe if those words do get said, like we all tend to do in the moment, we attempt to make them right where we can, while we can.

I’d just like to leave you with this – the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Maybe, just maybe – we can all put down our weapons, whether gripping a loaded weapon, pounding the keys on a keyboard or pointing a finger – and just try something outside of what we’ve always done, which is fight. That’s what we resort too every single time – we feel like we have to have our guard up, armor on – ready to fight. Maybe trying the opposite, just for shits and giggles, might be of more benefit. Just maybe.…

**If this resonates with you, feel free to share on social media**

 

Siblings Tribute – Jamie and Kristy

/ Revolution.07 / Leave a comment

kristy collage 2

Brynn and Jamie both sent me their responses to the entry on the same night. It was quite astonishing how many similarities there were between their stories. Although the response has been overwhelming in regards to the tributes, it saddens me to know how many people can truly relate to this heartbreak. Either by enduring it themselves or watching someone close to them endure it. It’s painful in all realms, each in their own way. But at the end of the day, our hope is that those reading this have a greater sense of hope in knowing they aren’t alone in their grief, their support or their fight.

*Disclaimer: A box is tissues is recommended – you’ve been warned! 😉

You and your sister (names, background, ages)- who were you both pre-diagnosis?

My name is Jamie (Puetz) Groebner, I was 29 years old when my sister Kristy Puetz was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer at the age of 37, she fought a miraculous 9 years before passing away by my side on February 21st, 2014 at 4:15 am at the age of 46.

Who were we??  Very stubborn red heads, always looking for a good time!!                  Growing up with 8 years between us, we fought about everything… she was in charge of me a lot since my parents both worked outside the home.  When she was mad at me she would often pinch my cheeks together with her thumb and pointer finger.  I hated it. I usually ran from her, down the street to John Deere where my dad worked as a parts manager, crying my eyes out with sore cheeks. I knew he would let me stay with him until he was off.

As we grew older, we found out fairly early on in our friendship that we did a lot of the same things regardless of the fact that we lived miles apart.  We liked the same music, we sang with emotion in the car, we were passionate about our friends and their lives.  We were social butterflies at heart – we loved to plan a party, loved to be the life of one, and couldn’t wait to hit a happy hour somewhere! And it wasn’t for the fact of getting drunk, it was because being with our friends and laughing was so uplifting and we loved that! We loved making memories with our family & friends.

What battles (disease, metastasis, how many times in remission/relapse) did she endure and for how long?

I worked in the Baldwin Building at Mayo Clinic Rochester at the time of her diagnosis. My supervisor at the time seemed so cold hearted by not allowing me to go to Kristy’s appointments. That day when my pager went off, I picked up my phone and instantly could hear the gasps in Kristy’s voice when she paged me, through crying gasps she breathed the words cancer; and I immediately went into panic mode, I left work and ran down to the second floor to the room she was in with our family physician. I told no one where I was going because at that time none of it mattered, I just needed to be with her. The search began the next day to find the primary tumor. It felt like time stopped after days of invasive tests and biopsies, she was diagnosed with Stage 4, Grade 3, Epithelial Ovarian Cancer. The tumor had grown the size of a cantaloupe on her ovary in her abdomen. Our family hit rock bottom once we were given the grim news. Surgery was planned for March 10th, 2005.

I think back to the morning of surgery. At the time, my husband Ryan and I were living in Mazeppa.  Kristy and I talked on the phone most of that evening, as she packed.  I met my parents and her at the hospital the next morning, and immediately started taking pictures of her because at that time, her Oncologist told her she had maybe a year, if not less to live.  I started documenting everything that day. The updates, the calls, the pacing, I remember that feeling of my stomach turning inside out, sort of the way it feels writing this, complete torture. The worst part – I had to attend a mandatory meeting with HR at work or I risked losing my job. In the middle of that meeting I started crying, I couldn’t believe I was sitting there and not with my family. I said something along the lines of ‘while all of you are worried about who’s doing what at work, my sister is in surgery’, (I may have said a few other not so appropriate words as well) but I was so upset. I walked out, ran back to Methodist hospital, thinking for sure I was going to lose my job.

I just made it back to her room when the resident surgeon came up to talk to us. They opened Kristy up from sternum to pelvic bone and searched through her entire cavity to make sure they got as much cancer as possible. My first reaction was to hug her, that’s when the tears fell. My parents and brothers were there, each of them walked away engulfed with their own emotion.  We heard the elevator chime… I can still see her rolling down the hall at 6pm. She was so swollen, the largest I’ve ever seen her, all of it fluid. We were warned she would look like this, however it was so hard to see her look so different, (in the operating room they inverted the bed to help with the positioning of her intestine so they could work on detecting all of the cancer) little did we know this would be the new norm of her many hair and body changes.

I started talking to her right away, telling her I loved her, and that they got it all… I’ll never forget her eye opening just a little and tears fell… she heard me loud and clear. That night I slept in a chair, not a recliner although I wished for one, it was a wooden desk chair, but I kept telling myself, the pain I feel from getting a bad night’s sleep is nothing compared to what she is going through.

The next day I asked for a bigger room and by the third day we upgraded to a larger room, and I finally got a sofa sleeper. We watched so many movies, when it was nap time she always told me to put in Legal Eagles with Robert Redford in it…. that usually had us both sleeping in minutes! I never left the hospital during her stay. I helped her shower which may have been a true test of sisterhood. 😉 She had 3 drains coming out of her abdomen and it took her a while to be able to stand up without excruciating pain. Until she had the drains removed and enough strength to stand on her own I would get part way in the shower with her to wash her while she held on to her drains, shaking in pain, crying for me to hurry. My tears silently falling at the situation in front of us.

She even had me make a photo guest book of all her visitors, taking each person’s picture as they stopped by or as flowers and gifts were delivered. I had them sign a get well note on each page where their picture would be, and we put it together after she was dismissed and before she started chemo. Through it all, there were lots of tears, and lots of laughs too. She made the best of it, and never let people think it was as hard as it really was.

Kristy started chemo 6 weeks later, in April of 2005. From there it was recurrence in 2009 revealed through a liver biopsy, followed by a different regimen of chemo. In January of 2011 it was discovered that she had mets to liver and in the right lower quadrant. That round of chemo had to be discontinued due to severe dermatitis. Then it was hospitalization for a small bowel obstruction, which was the first of a few to follow. By November of 2011, the Ovarian cancer showed up again in the CT of her abdomen and pelvis. More chemo, more hospitalization, more operations, more nausea, more struggles, more tears, more heartache, more fighting. This roller coaster continues on and off with multiple hospital admissions until there were no more options.

Explain what impact this had on you personally and how it changed both of your lives/perspectives, good and bad.

I lost my best friend. The first half of our lives we argued and acted as if we hated one another…actually I drove her crazy, yet all I could think of was being just like her. When it changed, we had a connection like I’ve never had with any friend. Only sisters know what I mean when I say that, and I don’t mean to say it in a bad way because I have some truly great friends who I care about as if they were my sisters.  But it does not compare to the bond I had with Kristy, one that was built long ago. The bond that holds our past, our childhood, our family trips, our countless phone calls, and an understanding of one another, our bond, was solid as any iron or stone. Unbreakable.

The treasures are the countless strangers, physicians and nurses who became our friends and the connections she made at the chemo, which is more like a gas station really. The countless beds and chairs stationed in one area where everyone checks in to get filled up on poison. Kristy though, she changed the tempo on Gonda 10… if you ever visited her there, you always had an idea of what room was hers. It was always the loudest!  And she didn’t like to sit in the chairs much unless she was only going to be there for an hour or two. In and out she’d say, I want to hit happy hour at Jonnys! And if her cycles ran longer than that she usually asked for a room with a bed, because the pre-meds would make her tired. After her nap you would usually find her up walking the halls with her IV pole checking on others she had met the week before. Sharing a joke, there was always laughter  or, her calling maintenance to come fix something she seen was wrong. Everyone loved her. She brought social hour to chemo and she made it better by just being there.  She yearned for hope from others yet she gained so much more.

Genetics is a huge factor. After three tries we finally found out why she got it. The Gene mutation BRCA1. If my sister wasn’t so aggressive in her fight and in her curiosity of ‘why me’ … we wouldn’t know.  And with that knowledge she has saved me by making me promise her I would get tested. To think all the while I was trying to save her, in the end she saves me. Wow – that is love!

What did this consist of for you personally – to recall being a cheerleader on the sidelines, observing, but being unable to save them? (Ultimately the trauma of being the survivor).

From day one, I researched, I did everything I could have done to save her. I called all over the world looking for the right clinical trial. Each one would get shot down by different doctors due to a certain chemo she had taken, or the numbness in her feet and hands, the length of her disease, the stage, where it had metastasized. Each time I thought I found one that might work I would send it to a team of doctors I worked with who were my backbone of soldiers with their medical education. They would compare her to the study and we would all determine what the outcome would be.  I, of course would not take no for an answer so I would enroll her, only to find out later she wasn’t a match. I needed concrete information to prove me just what they had told me all along. Her cancer sucked the energy out of both of us. Watching someone I care so deeply get knocked back down after enduring so much. Time and time again she inspired people by keeping that smile on her face, even when deep down, she was miserable.

The illness itself is exhausting. Her only chance was the poison that was pumped into her body, and she had to find the strength and courage to stay alive through fatigue, vomiting, pain and sadness. She just did what any of us would do. Fight like hell to stay alive. Because that is all she wanted, was to live, love and be happy. The worst part, the suffering in the end… let’s be honest – it is what it is right….suffering? The cancer starved my sister. Suffering. It produced road blocks in her gut and her gut stopped working. Suffering. She could no longer eat or absorb nutrients. Suffering. She had a peg tube placed in her abdomen to help relieve the pressure so she didn’t continue to vomit multiple times a day. Suffering.

Do you feel you’re meant to do something differently with your life because of her death? And if so, what is your hope/goal? How do you want her to live on? 

I was in nursing school prior to both my mom and sisters’ diagnosis. I was released on a compassion leave from the program when my mom was diagnosed with terminal small cell lung cancer on March 8th, 2013.  I returned in the spring after her death, however my return date was only a few days after my sister was discharged home on hospice.  I wasn’t able to finish then either and was given my second check mark, meaning I wasn’t allowed to return. If I were to ever be a nurse I needed to start the program over. I felt as though I failed my family, my goals, and it was so stressful, but my heart was broken. School didn’t matter as much as my mom and sister – nothing does when you’re in that situation. Thankfully, I learned enough in school to know how to care for them and understand what was going on with their bodies, and to feel confident enough to be able to follow their wishes to die at home. For years my role was to help Kristy fight her cancer, then I was helping my mom too.

I’ve definitely changed. I was by her side to help her, guide her, and cheer her on, lift her up when she was at her worst, give her hope, and coach her through. When she died my caregiver role was over. I was lost… numb. The pain was like a dagger being shot into my heart and twisted a hundred times.  Over time, when I thought that pain would subside… I would be forced to be reminded it hadn’t… it’s only gotten more bearable. She was such a good person, sister, daughter, and an amazing aunt to my kids, and nephews, and Godmother to my son. For months I felt like I was walking around in a fog. Then I had genetic testing done only to find I was BRCA1 positive too. One blow after another, the hits just kept on coming. Surgery, menopause, patches, depression, wow…

Each day I think about her, and I think about what little I have went through and how awful I feel one day and how great I feel the next. I can’t even fathom what Kristy went through but I will say, I have learned how she put on her mask each day and made the best of it. I return to the promises I made to her that I would stay involved in her fight. I want to continue to help spread awareness to others about this horrible disease.  I hope as time goes on I can actually stand in front of an audience and not cry while I talk about her because I miss her so much. My goal is to continue to be an advocate for others by staying involved in the organizations that she was passionate about.

Kristy was my best friend, my sister, my rock. I thank God each day that he chose us to be sisters…

_______________________________________________________________

In closing I want to share a wonderful note sent to her from a physician friend of ours: it’s pretty powerful so be ready… 

First of all, please accept my condolences for your loss.  It has been a terrible year for the Puetz family.  It just a year ago when Kristy’s mother was diagnosed with cancer and died within only a few months.  Kristy had a different course, living 10 years with cancer but, in the end, it also took her from us. We are here today to mourn the death of Kristy but also to commemorate her life.

I met her through Jamie around the time of Kristy’s cancer diagnosis and over the years have had the privilege of being her friend. We talked about many things but more than any subject was about how cancer affected her life. She was treated initially with the hope of cure but when the cancer came back the first time she realized she would never be cured. Being told one has cancer is an enormous shock because it is our expectation that our bodies will keep on working. When young, we don’t even think about our health.  We have injuries, infections, and so on but we always assume it will be ok and we will recover. Being told one has cancer changes this forever because the body failed us in a way it was never supposed to. Even when cancer is treated successfully, we are never the same.

Kristy handled her cancer better than anyone I have seen. She seemed to always look at the better side of life and, although she had her down days, she went on with the expectation she would be well.  Some people put their life on hold thinking they will resume it when the cancer is cured. They forget to live when they should be celebrating every day they have. Kristy did this; she had an illness but she was well.

I ask my patients if they have a spiritual part of their lives. What gives their life meaning? For some it is their faith but for others it is family, work, health, hobbies, volunteerism, pets and so on.  Each person has a different answer, but the basic question is “Why do I get out of bed each day?”  Because we “have to” is not a good reason.  We get out of bed to do something, see someone, accomplish something; we look forward to the day.  When health and other life changes occur, what we have relied on to give us meaning may no longer be possible. This may be a crisis because these things serve as our energy supplies and are the reasons should want to get better. The ability to find new reasons when the old are no longer possible is resilience. Kristy was amazingly resilient and why she is an inspiration to many. She found new reasons to live as long as her body would allow.

Funerals are for the living. We honor the dead by coming together to mourn our loss but also to celebrate their lives, remember what they mean to us and to tell their stories. Funerals should also remind us that we too are mortal and someday people will gather to remember us. We all should live our lives with this in mind in all our dealings with others, in our coming and going, in how we behave, and determining what will our legacy will be? We need to live mindfully which means being mentally present each day. Some people spend much of their time thinking about the past with regret or anger. Some spend all their time thinking about the future worried about what will happen and our inability to control it. We don’t, however, spend much time thinking about the present, yet it is the only thing we have.  I think this is best said by Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 6 25-34.

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life ? 28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

We also need to live our life remembering it is not our own. Our life is a gift of God and we need to be ever mindful of Him.  We should live our life seeking Him and his righteousness because some day we will answer to Him about what we did with our life.   

I am sorry I cannot be there with you today but my thoughts and prayers are with you in this time of loss.

Larry Bergstrom

_______________________________________________________________

This is a speech that Kristy had written for the Corn on the Cob Day Pageant.

This is a shortened and modified version to bring out some of the humor that Kristy brought forth in her every day life. While highlighting some of her own strength and bravery – that she worked so hard to bring forth during her own trials and tribulations. I have no doubt it was God’s will to help her help others during their journey, along with her mindset and attitude – is what brought her far beyond that original grim diagnosis of less then a year to live. To be the light through the dark, the humor through the pain and the rock through the unsteady waves.

“I always thought when I lost my hair I would be devastated.  Well that wasn’t so bad….the thing I missed most about losing my hair was losing my eye lashes.  I just felt naked without them….the best part was I didn’t have to shave my legs and my skin was so soft! I know there really isn’t any “best” part about cancer but if I had to pick one that would be it!!

Cancer is scary, it’s a scary word to anyone and living with it isn’t easy, but I tell myself that I am not going to let this cancer change me or anything I liked to do.  IT WAS NOT GOING TO CONTROL MY LIFE!

 I was told that my life would be like riding on a roller coaster.  The cancer would be active then dormant, I’ll go on a break and so on and so forth.

Cancer is devastating………………………..to everyone touched by it.

I have learned a lot throughout this journey.  There have been a lot of tears but there has also been a lot of laughter.  I’ve met so many people, and shared my story to others who get diagnosed so they know what to expect… or what to try that has worked for me – even though each case is different.  And if you know me, or follow my caring bridge page, weird things tend to happen to me and all you can do……….. is just laugh! Because I try to live my life to the fullest each day, and I try not to let this disease or anything else bring me down.

The theme for you is “home of the brave’ … and each of us is brave in our own way, my bravery comes from deep inside myself knowing I’m not giving up…..knowing I have an enormous support system in my family and friends.

For the girls sitting up here tonight…. Courage and bravery are not just about facing risk, but also, afterward, about going back to the people you love, your community and sharing your experience, and encourage them to be strong.”

Kristy

*If this resonated with you, feel free to share on Social Media – not only to raise awareness but to bring hope to any who may be struggling*

Final Sunset

/ Revolution.07 / Leave a comment

blog sunset collage 1

We placed that stone almost a year later, and I’ve hated it ever since. The coldness, harshness and permanence it brings every time just reiterates and reminds me of what we already hate to have to face. Another birthday is here, which means another year without a missing link sitting around the table to blow out 28 birthday candles. Another day spent with an especially heavy feeling in my heart while running through my mind all of the ‘who would you be today’ questions. From her occupation, to relationship status, her hair cut and color, to her current address or possible little ones running around – it’s impossible not to play out the endless possibilities of scenarios. As I sat staring at that stone last night, I noticed the perfect reflection of the sun set staring back at me. I thought of what the reflection of what her last sunset meant and what it has brought in the 8 years since.

This week has been a heavy one for many reasons beyond this – but the primary reoccurring theme has been the reminder that death surrounds us.  Doing these tributes and reading the heartbreaking stories of others’ lives that were shattered on account of ugly diseases, forces me to ask myself the question “what do I want my last sunset to look like?” I keep reminding myself that all the things that I’m unsatisfied with in my life right now – aren’t anywhere near what I want that sunset to look like as I take my last breath on this earth. So as I run through these countless thoughts of what she’d be doing if we were all sitting around that table together, I look in that reflection on that stone and also see myself. And I think to myself – “self” 😉 you are still sitting here celebrating more birthdays, so – who and what are you doing that feeds and fills your soul? While there are some things – such as being a mom – that I am proud of – there are  other things that consume large amounts of my time, that aren’t in alignment with what I actually love or am passionate about. While I’ve spent the past couple years trying to bridge these ideas and things together, unable to make a complete connection as to how or where I want to go next – I’m forced to be reminded that maybe in the end, none of the minor details matter. It’s just another push towards something more, something bigger, something outside the mundane. It’s as if we’re almost sitting and waiting for death to come knocking just so we can attempt to make it all right when that reality has become ours. Only then do we either live engulfed in regret and guilt, or try and make it all right when we know the end is near. Why do we do that? Why do we wait? Why do we work our entire lives just to hit a certain age to retire and actually ‘enjoy’ life and be stress free? Why do we wait until our kids are older or we have grandchildren to change the way we think about and interact with our kids? Why do we work our entire lives to pay off things we think we need, only to be surrounded by those things in the end to realize how completely unnecessary they are?

Although this day is a reminder of many things that will never come into fruition for Josie on another birthday that she isn’t able to celebrate – it’s also a reminder to ask ourselves what we want left – either etched permanently on that stone or painted on that final sunset of our lives. I want that sunset to be bright and beautiful, full of many vibrant colors that others remember for decades to come. I want it to consist of change, hope and healing from the inside out. And this is a reminder that we are still here, and we still have the opportunity to make it what we want, while we can.

I wanted to share this, as I thought it summed so many things up perfectly 🙂 This is part of an entry made by Chandra Nicole (her writing is amazing by the way, highly recommend following on FB, or reading the full entry on Elephant Journal at  http://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/05/a-lesson-about-true-love-where-to-find-it/ )

“But I think the lesson that’s most pressing here is the understanding that impending ‘death’ allows us to be present, which is where true love resides.

It allows us to live fully and to see what’s truly important… and also what’s total bullshit. When ‘the end’ is near, moments become intrinsically precious.

Parting ways with this man, has shown me that more clearly than anything before.

I wonder how differently we might live our lives if we were to really understand that everything dies at some point; that the only constant in this universe is change, and that within each change there is a mini-death.

In what ways are we resisting life by resisting death?

If we were to interact with everything, everyone, every relationship — with full awareness of the fact that it may soon die, how might we choose differently?
What might we say differently?
How would we show up differently?

What would matter?
And what wouldn’t?

What might LOVE actually look like in the space of total surrender and complete presence?”

-Chandra Nicole

Happy birthday Miss Josie – although we’d prefer you were here to cheers that drink with – thank you for all that you’ve taught and continue to teach us as we walk blindly through this thing called life.

Jos bday collage 2016

Uncharted Waters

/ Revolution.07 / 1 Comment

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As much as I’ve tried to avoid this topic, it just keeps coming back to me! This entry began on something totally different and came right back to this. I’ve written and rewritten it in my head many times, but no matter how much I try and avoid it, it flows through my fingertips as if it’s supposed too. I honestly am not looking for a debate and I’m hoping it doesn’t cause one – but being that it’s a reoccurring theme – I’m feeling obligated to chance it. So, here we go!

It’s hard for me not to get angered and bothered by many of the things going on in the world today, and this has been festering for me personally, for all of 4 years. To see a different angle of the world and humanity as a whole, along with government, big pharma, insurance companies, politicians, corporate America and anyone that has been spoon fed it all their lives (oh no wait, that’s been 99% of us!) I spent the last election season literally piiiiissed at the world the entire campaigning season, I raged about all of it (Mary and Brittany I’d like to apologize for all of those rants 😉 ) because I hated what was going on behind the scenes that noone was willing nor able to see or hear. That was the first time I repeated on a regular basis, ‘I think this country needs a revolution’, that’s the only thing I could think of that would get people’s attention and instead of pointing fingers at each other, perhaps they’d start pointing them where I thought they deserved to be – those that are causing this shit show of a mess! And contrary to MANY beliefs, it isn’t just one person, nor one party or another – it’s far bigger then that. It’s a matrix that we’ve all been spoon fed, one that is ingrained within us at a very deep level – to believe that one party or person is better or superior then another. It is one that feeds debate and hate – it, like religion, has given people another reason to hate each other, another reason to fight, another reason to blame, another reason to dehumanize another on account of superiority.

I honestly hate discussing the shit because I don’t think one is better then another, I think it’s a scam and one we all play into well. We expect ONE person to change things and when our idea of change doesn’t happen, then it gives us a reason to blame and hate them or their party. And the thing is, we’re hating on one person that we know damn well doesn’t have the sole power to make these changes! Isn’t that the point of the American Judicial System, to come together for the common good? I don’t see any of that, and maybe that’s the negativity of my mindset showing forth, only seeing the horror that’s being caused, but this election, that’s all I seem to see.

I can not stand to glance at a picture of Syrian refugees – men, women or children and not almost break down. I can not stand to wonder if that was me and my family and we were hated to such extremes, being hunted like animals, to think of having to watch my daughter starve while we try to escape to stay alive – FOR WHAT? I am always trying to tell my daughter “those kids didn’t ask for that” or “they didn’t chose to be that color, just like we didn’t choose to be white, females or American – they don’t deserve that kind of treatment on account of what they were born into – just like we don’t deserve to be superior because of it.”

   

This mentality of all things such as politics, religion, racism, sexism is nothing but us thinking we’re superior to the next. It doesn’t promote empathy or sympathy of other human beings, it promotes entitlement, greed and power. I don’t want to hear the latest debate or who is going to make more empty ‘promises’ to change, even if there is good and real intention behind it –  because they aren’t the ones calling the shots in the end! (Which is another reason I don’t watch TV or read the news!) I hope people start to take a step back and really ask themselves why they believe the things they do, why they’re supporters of a certain party or what they stand for and is that their true, honest belief, or is it because of what your family, friends, community or society has always done? Is it because of certain trigger words that are being said? Is it because the media has portrayed one aspect of a much larger spectrum? Is what you expect from a party or candidate something that you personally do in your own daily life? That question can go either way, good or bad – do you have those same qualities? Do you hate Muslims to the extent that you’d be willing to stand there and watch them and their children burn at the stake – even the innocent ones? Would you be willing to stand at the shore and watch them drown with their children in life boats after days of being lost at sea? I’m not even just talking about these larger issues – even on a ‘smaller’ scale, would you be willing to pull the trigger on your neighbor because he votes different on the ballot then you? Do you still shop at all corporate places and support the one percent, but expect one individual to take them down single handedly in office? Do you treat the earth like shit but expect them to clean the oceans of pollution? Do you support Monsanto/GMO’s etc. but hate God for the fatal diseases that are taking the lives of so many you love?

I will be the first to admit, I am not in total alignment with all of these ‘beliefs’ I have. It’s not to say we can change all of this, especially by election time and it doesn’t mean we won’t have a government or that we won’t still need to vote, but it does mean more then you think. From Walmart, to factory farms, to McDonald’s, to Monsanto – do you know how many small town businesses they’ve driven out of business, how many families have had hardships and how much CONTROL they have over us because of it? I’m willing to bet you couldn’t fathom! Half of them sit on the FDA boards, keeping us ‘safe’, while paying off who they can in the Senate and House. But – do you know what they depend on? They depend on their consumers – that’s US – that’s the PEOPLE. Do you know what happens when WE start making a stand in a different way, in a non violent, non hateful, non bloodshed way – instead by simply choosing to redirect our dollars to the little man, or educate ourselves on the food and pharmaceutical industries? That’s when you get headlines like “Walmart plans to close 269 stores this year, including 154 in the US.”

For all looking to take a stand – to have the final say – maybe we should quit hating the next guy so much, maybe we should think of the mom overseas fighting to feed her child, who would kill to have our hardships, maybe we should think for just a moment during our ‘superior’ days of what is considered luxury to many, what it would be like to watch your kids, nieces, nephews, or grandchildren die in your arms on account of lack of a 10$ vaccination, a 3$ meal, clean drinking water – on account of hate, on account of thinking one size fits all, if one is bad, let’s kill them all, on account of ignorance, on account of lack of human compassion, on account of not listening to our own inner self and giving into the matrix that they want us too – to feed off of hate and blame.

The only place I know I stand in all of this, is that I can’t be a supporter of a Trump. To know this is something that we, as a country are supporting – makes me sick. To think we’d rather have a well run ‘business led country’ versus one that is based off of values and morals may be one of the most heartbreaking things in our history yet. Remember in history class when we learned about Hitler, remember when we said ‘never ever would we allow that – why didn’t they stop it’ – well maybe we should ask if we are allowing it? On a scale both big and small? Seriously ask yourself – remind yourself that they simply hated Jews because they could – because they were taught too. On many levels, we’re all Hitler to some degrees, and the mentality that an eye for an eye is going to make us richer or better, that our flag will fly higher, that our lives will be happier or that our bank accounts will be bigger – is a hoax we’ve all sadly fed into. One that has yet to get us any of that. And I guess if that’s all you’re striving for on this human plane – then you’re on the right path! For all others, take it down a level – take it down to the individual level – to your home, your kids, your life – what impact are you making? Trump, Hilary, Sanders – whatever – whoever – what about YOU?!

I dare you to look at these photos and not try and put yourself in this picture, I dare you to not feel any sort of sympathy or human compassion for these people. There are starving mouths just as much here as anywhere – but this war between us all, this reason to disagree or fight isn’t helping anyone either.

 

 

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