If I told you that every experience is molding you for something bigger, something more, would you believe me? As you age, you have the luxury of looking back over your experiences, the old adage about “hindsight”. You can connect the dots backward and see how one thing flows into another. You can see the interconnection of all things as time unravels the answers to the questions you thought you’d never get. Kevin Lamb’s story so beautifully illustrates how life’s experiences really do happen for a reason. The things God puts in front of us, are molding us for something bigger, oftentimes, to connect with others.
Getting started, tell us about your parents.
I came from parents that stood at opposite ends of the spectrum. My father, a doctor, was an introvert, and workaholic, with an intense passion for medicine and money. My mother came from a strong family background, the product of a farming family where everyone contributed in some way to the family. After they divorced, my mother was working several jobs to provide for her family. She never let us see the difficulty in providing for her boys (myself and my two brothers), as we always had everything we needed and wanted. I learned how to sacrifice and really work from her example, how to survive and overcome difficult situations when the world seems stacked against you.
The divorce was hard on all of us. My brothers and I moved to Minnesota from Colorado so we could have some male role models in my mom’s brothers. I was eleven years old, and left my grade school friends in the middle of the school year. I was uncomfortable in the new community, like an outsider with kids who had all grown up together. And I wasn’t sure what to think of my parents divorce, but I knew things would never be the same. At the time it was hard to see that my parents just loved us, and they were doing their best for us. As a kid, it’s hard to realize the importance and value of having a relationship with your parents.
Over the years my relationship with each of my parents has grown, but it’s taken time, patience and understanding. My mom sacrificed so much for her family, first for my dad while he finished medical school and residency, then for us as she tried to be both mom and dad for her boys. After my brothers and I grew up and left home, she struggled with depression and alcoholism. Your kids give you such a sense of purpose, especially as a single parent. Her role as a mother was such an ingrained part of who she was that she struggled to find purpose outside of that identity. Between depression and alcohol, it’s been a really tough road…for everyone. And both are the reality for many households and families. It impacts everyone, and in different ways. She has worked relentlessly trying to get and stay sober, while also managing her depression, but the disease of alcoholism is strong, causing her to stumble at times in her recovery. This has impacted not only my siblings and me, but also our children. However, the admirable part is how she gets back up and tries again, fighting for her life and her relationships with her kids and grand kids. She is the strongest person I know.
What was your biggest struggle growing up?
Although it may be hard for many to believe now, socialization and finding myself outside of being an athlete were my biggest struggles. It took me a long time to come out of my shell and to take social risks, to have fun without worrying that others were judging me. With the divorce and move to a new state, I just really wasn’t sure of who I was outside the realm of athletic competition. I was shy and quiet, trying only to blend in when I wasn’t competing – totally different for who I am as a teacher and coach.
What is the greatest contrast from your upbringing to the way you parent your kids?
My biggest challenge is not constantly pushing my kids to be better and just accept them for doing their best. My frustration tends to come out in anger, and it’s hard to not take things personally. I have to take a step back and separate myself. To truly love our kids unconditionally can be one of our greatest challenges – to just accept them completely as they are, with all of their flaws, without trying to make them better all the time.
When I was growing up, there was always room for improvement and there was always feedback to go along with it. To just accept that our kids are doing their best too, and they’ll figure it out in their own time, is something we all need to remind ourselves.
I try really hard to be emotionally, mentally and physically present for my kids. My mom had to work so hard to make ends meet, and my dad was really not a part of our lives. But, that’s driven me to do it differently, to be aware and present to what is going on as much as I can, both with my kids, as well as for other kids.
My wife, Stephanie, is my grounding element in everything I do, including co-parenting. She is the stability and consistency that not only I need, but our family and household needs. She loves me unconditionally, and that in and of itself ripples to our sons. I didn’t grow up in a home with parents who demonstrated that, and I am so grateful that we are able to give that to our boys, to show them what a functioning, solid and stable relationship looks like.
Why did you choose the profession of being an English teacher?
I was fortunate enough to not only be naturally gifted at sports but academics as well. I was able to float through with good grades without having to put in much effort, which later came to haunt me during my college years. It wasn’t until college that I was able to expand and grow, but with growth came the pain of learning how to put the work in academically. This was also my first introduction to getting to know myself outside of sports. My roommates were extremely smart, and it helped me to increase my effort and performance in my studies. I had to learn how to study and do my daily work, something I wasn’t accustomed to in high school. English came easy to me, and it’s something that everyone needs in their daily lives. They need to be able to effectively communicate, comprehend and read, and I knew that I could break this down into something that students may find easier to understand.
What is your biggest failure, that was also your greatest teacher?
Motivating through fear is rarely helpful, and focusing on the growth more than pointing out failures is much more effective. This can be hard to do in the day to day routines, but it’s easy to see how detrimental it is to a person either thriving or struggling. We can all be more supportive of each other. Encouragement and positivity go so far, and make constructive criticism so much easier to hear.
What is the lesson that took you the longest to learn?
True, faithful acceptance of God and myself. To truly believe that who I am is good enough for God, my wife, children, students, and community. Even though some have seen me at my worst, I am still worthy of the goodness and blessings in my life, despite my shortcomings. I am continually working towards acceptance of self, and recognizing we all have our good and bad days. We don’t have to be at our best all the time in order to give our best effort.
The other thing that has become more prevalent in the past couple of years is how to let go and grieve. I have found my purpose (aside from my family), through my students and athletes. Both my wife, Stephanie and I say that our strength comes from serving others. But with that has come the realization that I’ve deflected some of my own grief. I’ve come to understand the importance of putting on your own oxygen mask first, before supporting others. If you can’t breathe, you’re not being truly helpful to those you’re trying to support. I’m trying to be better about allowing myself that space and opportunity to feel the necessary emotions I need to as well, so that I can heal and perform at a high level.
Can you think of a time you were untrue to yourself?
A lot of adolescence is figuring out what being true to yourself means and what isn’t. You’re growing and finding yourself, influenced by others and not always sure how to think or act in a way that you know you should. I remember specifically treating a high school girlfriend really poorly. I was manipulative and downright mean to her. I didn’t like myself or the way I was acting when I was with her and realized that wasn’t who I wanted to be.
What were major crossroads in your life?
I was in college, still an athlete, but coming to the realization that this wasn’t going to be the rest of my life. That is a tough bridge many athletes cross at some point. I had spent a lot of years on a field or wrestling mat, pushing myself to improve with a sense of tunnel-vision, only to realize it was only one portion of my life. It was time to take those lessons and apply them to the rest of my life.
During this transition I felt such a loss of identity, it felt overwhelming and disheartening to think of myself outside of identifying as an athlete. When I realized I wanted to become a teacher and really have an opportunity to help kids, the adult me became more important than ball or being the athlete. I had a renewed sense of purpose. It was a big transitional period and one that led me down this path.
Have you struggled with mental illness?
I’m genetically predisposed to mental illness and personally struggle with depression. Looking back, I would say a vivid memory was my second year of college. I was coaching 9th-grade football and one of the students committed suicide, shortly after, my grandpa passed and my oldest brother moved out of state. I don’t think I got off the couch for at least 2 weeks. But it wasn’t until about a year ago that I got on medication for depression. Things didn’t get better after a time, and they weren’t “bad” for any particular reason. Things just started becoming increasingly grey and gloomy for an extended period. I couldn’t find happiness in things that I used to love, such as my family, hunting, fishing, or sports.
Since being on medication, my overall outlook has improved. Little things don’t affect me as much, and I have more control over my emotions. I wake up almost every day with a positive outlook on what I will do and the impact I can make on the people around me. I am less irritable and much easier to be around (I hope), less demanding and more accepting of performance below my expectations. I still push my athletes and students to improve and hold them to high standards for performance, but it isn’t as big of an obstacle when I feel people are not reaching their potential.
Why did you choose to be a coach?
Aside from the fact that I’ve always been a huge competitor, both coaches and teachers were instrumental father figures that served as primary role models for me. My mother’s family was great at letting us come along to hunt and fish, but I didn’t feel the same connection as when I was on the field or with teammates. I felt most comfortable and secure, connected and present being an athlete, because this was my family, outside of my relatives.
My primary focus with coaching has been to create a safe environment where boys can be open, honest and vulnerable with each other. My overall goal in this position is an intentional, positive impact. It’s more than just football, a win or a loss, and it’s more than learning about yourself or how to improve, it’s learning about life as a whole. Whether learned in practice or in a game, the lessons on the field can be applied to life as well. I want them to see that and connect the dots so they can apply it down the road.
We started this season with a short losing streak, and we have had our share of struggles the past few seasons: players out with injuries, and various struggles as a team. It’s hard not to get stuck in that rut, myself included. I kept thinking if we could just get a win for a little boost in morale, it would really help! But we have to remember there’s always a lesson. There’s a large majority of outside circumstances in our lives, that we can’t control. You will give it your best, and sometimes, you’ll still come up short. Our job is to figure out how to be better, not bitter. Growth doesn’t happen in times of comfort, and each obstacle can be seen as an opportunity to learn, improve, grow. As difficult as it is sometimes, it is important to see problems in a positive light because they ultimately help us more than success does in the long run.
The true test of character is when you’re in a slump. In life, you’re not always going to get the job, the girl/guy, the house or the raise. You will lose people close to you, you will have bad things happen, but you have to keep moving forward and learn from the last interview, relationship or financial struggle. What could have been done differently? What is there to be learned? And when you’re out of the slump, it becomes clear what was needed or why you needed it at that time, and how it helped you grow.
**We can all learn from others’ stories! Feel free to share if this resonates with you!**
**If you’re interested in scheduling a complimentary call with Amanda about Life Coaching sessions, visit www.crisisaverted.org **
If there’s one thing I hope this blog does for all who stumble across it is, to offer a sense of hope. To bring light to conversations, emotions, thoughts and struggles that so many of us face on a daily basis, but are often too fearful to bring up at the supper table. This is many people’s real life, whether it’s disease, finances, addiction, divorce, or death – these topics are too many people’s traumas and tragedies. While some have been able to triumph over these road blocks, there are still many stuck, unable to see outside of their current circumstances. These are conversations, that until we start having them – aren’t going to go away. Every change must first begin with awareness. I am hoping that this will shed some light and awareness on many different topics and emotions that I think more people will be able to resonate with, at some point in their life, then not. My hope is that this is the beginning of many more conversations to come within your life, ones with rawness, vulnerability, empathy and compassion. May this be the planting of new seeds of awareness, as well as hope in each persons life that comes across this, may you know you aren’t alone in your struggles and that the light always follows the darkness, so please – hold on.
For all of you who are feeling stuck, shit outta luck, sick and tired of being sick of tired, unsure of why you’re at a stand still in life, in a war with yourself in your head, staring at the other side of the road but completely unsure as to how to get over there – I encourage you to read further.
Revolution.07 