new you

#WOTY

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Blog - WOY 2019

Ever made a New Years Resolution, only to get to February and either forget about it, or mentally give it the middle finger? #storyofmylife We’re so jacked this time of year, (post sugar coma) to get back on “the wagon”(you know, the same one we fell off last year! 😉 I don’t know about the rest of you, but I was primarily trained to make resolutions around weight loss. But there’s so much more to us then just this!

I walked into 2018 with the intention of saying “yes” to every new opportunity that arose, especially the ones that made me uncomfortable. This forced me outside of my comfort zone and crossing paths with some pretty amazing individuals and causes. Upon turning 34, I took on choosing a “word of the year”, which for me, was “TRANSFORMATION”. I started asking where in my life I could transform more and what underlying layers I needed to work through in order for me to do so.

Do you ever throw something out and then get totally side barred by the ways in which it happens? Yeah, that was me. What I had pictured in my head for positive transformation couldn’t have been further from how it actually shook out! So many lessons.

I’m just going to be honest, 2018 was an ass kicker of years. I’ve had a few of them over the past decade, all for different reasons, and this year was another one. I’d be lying if I said I was sad to watch it go. ✌ 2018 taught me that it isn’t about what I think it should be, it simply will be, whatever it needs to be. Fiiine, lets be real, this is an every year lesson, but this year roared really loud, especially in the physical realm. It taught me that without my mental and physical health, life can be debilitating. I spent most of the year attempting to recover from the Epstein Barre Virus,(which is mono that lies dormant in the body, often affecting the liver, spleen and thyroid). When it reactivates, it’s  worse then mono and took months longer to recover from. I lost alot of hair and had to come to terms with not being able to dye it, while learning to only style it certain ways to avoid patches showing. I’m fully aware that in the grand scheme of life, this is petty, really petty actually.  But honestly, a woman’s hair is a big part of them and for me, it’s really big, despite how petty! I had to sleep when I needed too, because I couldn’t function if I didn’t. I had to learn to have patience with myself as I slept most days away. I’m still learning that just because I can do more, doesn’t mean I don’t need recovery time. I had to be OK with the weight gain, because I was too exhausted to do anything else.

I had to learn to calm my mind that many days, seemed impossible to control. It was an entirely different episode of mental warfare then I’d ever experienced prior. This time, was the first time in 11 years, of having to learn to understand what mental illness consisted of, without being medicated or having that option to numb it. Mind you, never have I felt more insane, but I was able to evaluate myself more objectively because of it. I had to learn to have faith in what felt like a painfully slow process. That also meant faith in the healer that was treating me, even if progress wasn’t being made at the speed I wanted it too. I had to learn that if I’m not in a good place, it’s hard for me to support my clients. After all, if your tank is running off of empty, how can you replenish anothers. I’m good for trying to push to bone dry and then spending twice as long trying to recover. I think most are trained to operate this way, especially women.

I learned alot about getting into business and what it takes to maintain. That for as much as it may make sense to go back into the corporate work force full-time, it isn’t for me. Even if that means taking the long way around, it doesn’t speak to my soul.

I was reminded that I’ve always believed in mental health being affordable and that everyone deserves to have it. Which meant me reevaluating my business structure and being committed to the cause more then the money. And in the same breath, being OK with charging for services. They are more then worthy of it and honestly, a necessity in everyone’s life. Everyone needs someone to hold them accountable and guide them through life with an outside perspective, myself included. It’s personal investment and I don’t have to feel bad about others not understanding it. I was also forced to recognize how much of my “why” is still based off of guilt around Josie’s suicide. This is super frustrating to me, because I’ve worked so hard to rid myself of that weight. But I’m reminded of the residue that seems to stick like tephlon! Either way, to be 100% honest, it’s down right annoying that this is still coming up! Perhaps its just a component of suicide I need to accept, or just another layer to recognize and continue to trudge forward, as time will tell. #tobecontinued

As I move into another year, while reflecting on the last, I’ve thought long and hard about a word I want to take into this new year. And I’ve decided, my “word of the year” is going to be TRUST. I want to walk into this year trusting in the process, that everything is exactly as it should be. That I may be better about trusting others without judgement, or putting walls up so quickly, but also questioning my trust in some and where their intentions lie. That I may trust in something larger then myself, even if I can’t see it right away, remembering that nothing happens without reason, and it all serves its purpose.

Now that 2019 is upon us, I urge all of you to find your “word”. Something that will sit at the forefront of your mind. Something you want to personally improve on. Share it with others so they can hold you accountable and remind you what it is you chose to work on, or through over the next 365 days. Be mindful that it may not show up how you expected, but the results will yield better because of it! And please, feel free to share here as well, giving others ideas of words and let us know your intention around your choice.

May 2019 be one of light, love, healing and resilience. May you know more joy then sorrow, feel more love then hate, be more kind then cruel, choose to be the light through the darkness and choose positivity over negativity. Always remember, you are amazing, your life matters, and nothing is permanent.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Please share to help others kick off their 2019 with a positive #wordoftheyear

If you’d like to schedule a free phone consult, please contact me at http://www.crisisaverted.org

 

Autopilot

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skyraysoflight9-16We’ve all experienced those moments of life altering, earth shattering pain. The one that forces you into your body, to awaken you from a state of cruise control. It comes in many different forms, at different points in our lives, all on a different scale, having a different effect but it is one that refuses to be anything but felt. At 16, it’s the break up with your first boyfriend, perhaps later a divorce. For a firefighter it’s going to a call only to be forced to watch a family watch their home be devoured by flames, to the EMT it’s responding to a fatal accident. To a soldier it’s pulling the trigger for the first time on another life, or perhaps watching one of his own men being taken by another. It’s the phone call of an unexpected death, the diagnosis of a disease, watching another’s life end before your eyes. It’s watching a child go hungry, die from lack of vaccinations or a fatal disease. It’s losing a job, the function of a body part, or the aftermath of a natural disaster. All of which demand the attention of the human emotions, as if jolted into the current reality, one where time literally seems to stop. The cruise control has been halted, from 60 to 0.

It is that slow drip of water in a pond, watching the ripples flow outward, affecting the mass, but the intensity remains within that first initial drop. A whirlwind of grief and questions, standing there looking at your life from a floor of shattered glass, unsure if it’s even your life you’re viewing. This ‘autopilot’ phase is one that jolts many, but often doesn’t truly affect, on a grander scale, those outward ripples. But, for those moments that the ripple does affect the mass, we reevaluate where we stand in life, how very small we are compared to the rest of this vast universe. We think about our days and how they’ve been spent, acknowledging that we’re truly blessed and fortunate to not have been directly effected by such tragedy. Instead, we make promises to rid our lives of excess baggage that doesn’t serve our evolution, and thank God for all he’s generously provided.
Often times, when we stand in this space, we realize how much of our life has been run on autopilot. How much we missed while going through the motions, only to realize it’s no longer an option to fix or mend, but to let flow through you, realizing the grip you have on this moment is nothing at all. The vulnerability of feeling on a deeper level, tears that won’t stop, anger that fuels, questions that may remain unanswered. It’s a space that for anyone that has ever felt it, never wants to be forced to feel it again, it instills a fear that we want to distance ourselves from as fast as possible. It’s one that never leaves, instead, only lies dormant. Only to return at the time of another reminder that autopilot is the exact place we aren’t meant to be. It’s during these times that we’re forced to reevaluate and question our very existence. Watching another endure such pain, knowing there’s no amount of words, cards or gifts that will replace what they have been or will be forced to feel and endure. It is in these moments, we make temporary promises as we mourn and truly do feel for those directly effected. We swear this is our eye opener, that we’ll become more focused on the things that make us truly happy, instead of the stress of daily life we’ve allowed to weigh us down. Instead of complaining, we’ll be more grateful, instead of fighting, we’ll be more compassionate, instead of blaming, we’ll be more empathetic of another’s viewpoint, instead of being devoured by guilt, we’ll let go of those we’ve allowed to pull us down. Because in these moments we see from a very different perspective, we see how precious and short our time here is, whether that’s 20 years or 80, it goes in a flash nonetheless. But just as quickly as it came, it often leaves. Because for those that aren’t directly affected, life goes on, and autopilot is what we so effortlessly fall back into. Getting wrapped up in our everyday lives of seemingly trials and tribulations, forgetting to pay attention, to feel or wake up from this deep sleep. Until the next ripple hits, reminding us once again that we’re human. These are the moments that are meant to break us, shake us and make us realize that this is our focus, this is a glimpse of what we’re here for, this is when autopilot is off, when we’re planted in our own bodies, grounded and reminded our days are far too short to be spent doing absolutely anything except what brings us joy. And the falsehood that we’ve been fed while on autopilot that this isn’t our truth, is the reason we’re forced to be redirected into what is.

*If this resonates with you, feel free to share on social media**

Noise and Static

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*Disclaimer: Please read at your own discretion. Preferably with an open mind 😉blog-noiseandstatic

I’ll admit I was less then happy when the only thing that would flawlessly flow from my fingertips was the entry “Rock Bottom”.  Now, I’m starting to see why – because it truly is the case for so many people right now, both locally and abroad. I’m a believer that the night is always darkest just before the dawn and that sometimes thing have to crumble in order to be rebuilt, to see it for the greater good and trust where it’s taking us. But that can be a tough one to hold onto as things seem to be progress. It’s hard not to take a look around and wonder what in the f*ck is happening to this world?!  It’s hard to overcome the fear of what’s next and what does it mean?! I think of it on a smaller scale with things happening around me, but it’s much larger then that and I think we’re all aware of that. Humanity as a whole is facing some shit right meow – shit that can’t be denied – shit that needs to be talked about, released and straight up dealt with!

However, I’m struggling with the way it’s being dealt with. In case we haven’t noticed – this blame game isn’t getting us anywhere. Whether it’s blaming our parents for a horseshit upbringing, another person for abuse inflicted upon us, the poor for our national debt problem, drugs/alcohol/addictive substances, Monsanto for poisioning us with GMO’s, Trump for his hate and discrimination, ISIS for killing thousands of innocent people, my sisters friends mother brother to a cousin for who the hell knows what – it seems to boil down to blame in some form! It comes down to pointing the finger in every direction except our own – and I’m more then guilty of this as I blame my addiction on sugar for the reason I’ve gained so much weight! ha

I’m not by any means trying to undermine what is happening around us, or the lives that have been directly affected by any of the above. This is real shit on every single level – and I’m grateful every day those aren’t my family members or friends that are directly affected by this violence. But, I feel that I need to attempt to try and put a different spin on what is happening. Hands down the most common mistake we all make, I’m just as guilty as anyone, is forgetting to stop and attempt to see things in a different light – from a different vantage point.

I’ve seen multiple posts, but have not, nor have any desire to watch the videos on who is claiming what or which side, I do not have any desire to watch someone gasp for air after he’s been shot, despite the reasoning behind it. I especially don’t have any desire considering there’s a little girl in the back seat, who’s life has been forever changed. So, I’m not going off of facts here and I’m not siding with one over another, I’m simply viewing this from some of the few opinions/responses I actually read. So, here are some questions I have that I’m just going to throw out there.

Question #1

Have you ever drank under age? Have you ever smoked weed? Have you ever done an illegal substance or drug? Have you ever not worn your seat belt? Have you ever driven with any amount of alcohol in your system that could’ve very well been above the legal limit? Have you ever urinated in public? Have you ever rolled through a stop sign?

If you have done any of these, then you too, have broken the law – and I’m willing to bet you’ve done it on more then one occasion. What is the difference between you and someone that has their name put in the paper or face on TV?  They got caught and you didn’t. Period.

Question #2

Have you ever had sex before you were married? Disrespected an elder? Used the Lord’s name in vein? Called another human being a name? Have you ever cheated – in any form, on homework, an exam or your significant other? Have you ever threatened someone’s life or dreamt about it? Despite how big or small – from your parents to your children – no matter how you choose to justify it, have you ever told a lie?

If you have ever done any of these, then you too, have been immoral – at least to the eyes of many, especially according to religious beliefs. What is the difference between you and “them”?

My point here is this (and this is something that I’ve learned within the past year about myself as well) that despite the caliber of bullet, what makes one less deadly then another? The amount that is fired, correct? It takes more rounds of a 22 to do the same damage of a 12 gauge. So, while some have larger weapons, inflicting pain on others in more obvious ways, there are even more people that do it in their daily lives, on a smaller scale. You see, that’s what we do – we all have the ammunition but we fire it differently. Most fire more frequently but because it’s of a less caliber, we can justify it. Why? Because we didn’t get caught, what – because we didn’t kill anyone, or I wasn’t that drunk! It was only 5 mph over the limit. It was just a white lie. I can bring that up because she did this to me in 2nd grade! Oh good, I’ll keep that card in my back pocket for next time he effs up. These are the subconscious things that we think – I know that, because I’ve thought them! I’ll openly admit that! Did I know at the time I thought them, no, probably not, because I self justified it – I felt I was entitled to it – I mean, besides – eff them, they’re crazy anyways, of course my reasoning is right!

Question #3

Have you ever put your life on the line – day in and day out? Have you ever feared walking out the door, never knowing if you’re going to come home to your children? Have you ever had to put on a uniform that made you a target to many? Have you ever had to put on a badge that causes more hate and avoidance, where people openly hate you, calling you a “pig” – taking slurs the same as many different other races do? Do you know what it’s like to love and fear your job all at once – every single day? Do you know what it’s like to be proud to protect your community, but knowing you’re possibly putting your life on the line to protect complete strangers? Do you know what it’s like to have to uphold a certain criteria to do your job, even though you’re fearful of what is happening out there? Have you ever had to show up to a door step to inform parents their child was just killed? Have you ever had to arrest someone and see how that changes their life, good, bad or otherwise? Do you know what it’s like to have to act and react in a split second – never knowing what that reaction may lead too?

I don’t – and I don’t think a majority of you reading do. And that also is unfair to judge! I have never, nor do I ever want too have to make a split second decision to pull the trigger out of fear, only to find out I may not have had the right to do so and cost someone their life. And I don’t care what color of a person that is, that decision is a heavy burden to carry, “right”, “wrong” or otherwise. I also can’t imagine being the spouse or parent of someone in uniform either, especially in these large cities that deal with a large amount of violence, living in fear every single day, wondering if they’re going to walk back through that door to your children. I am however, thankful there are people that are willing to do that for us! I mean one is hated for the color of their skin, another for the uniform they wear?

Question #4

Have you ever slammed on your brakes the minute you realized the car you’re about to approach is a cop, even though you knew you weren’t speeding? Have you ever either felt the need to smile and be especially nice to someone in uniform? Or, feel your blood pressure rise being in the same room, even though you know you aren’t the suspect, but feel as if they’re looking at you with suspicion?

Have you ever crossed paths with someone from a different ethnesicity and hugged your purse tighter? Have you ever seen a black man with their pants down with their ass half hanging out assuming they must be a drug dealer? Have you ever thought because they were wearing a veil or hijab they must be a terrorist? Have you ever encountered someone of another color begging for food or scrounging for change and thought ‘typical, on welfare, I’m pry paying for that’.

If any of these thoughts or reactions pertain to you, then that’s stereotyping and racism. The problem is, noone realizes they even do it because it’s something that’s been engrained in us from a child on, whether at home, school, media, friends etc. So although it’s clearly not something we’re aware of on a conscious level, it’s something a majority of us do! And these are a majority of the comments I see and hear and have heard for a long time! All these one liners we’ve deemed as acceptable to throw out there towards certain groups, from police to another religion to another color, to white trash!

Question #5 –

Have you ever done something stupid, ridiculous or foolish? Can you imagine being put under a microscope for it? Can you imagine that one idiotic move costing you your life, whether dead or behind bars? Imagine if every horseshit decision you ever made was held against you, plastered on every news station and thrown back in your face?

I for one have made plenty of mistakes, I’ve passed on the right side of the road, I’ve drank too much and put the keys in the ignition, I’ve drank under age, I’ve had sex before I was married, I’ve called other people inappropriate names, I’ve done alot of things that I’m far from proud of. I’ve had many of them held over my head and I’ve held many over others as well. There are many of these I’m not proud of, and some I am, because I learned something from them. It didn’t cost me my life, I wasn’t forever shamed and abandoned for them, I’m aware of them and attempting to correct them. So, again – do a small tally of your personal ‘stupidity’ and remember, part of this whole human experience is learning, not hating and bashing and further separating. The definition of perfection depends on the eyes of the one defining it, and it varies by a large scale depending!

WHY do we have to side with one or the other?! I mean really, for all the people complaining about I-35 being backed up because of protests, are you doing anything to help or defuse the situation besides sitting behind a screen complaining about it and blasting your opinion all over? That’s another thing we’re taught well to do – hide behind a screen – our children know this even better then we even do, it’s how they’ve been taught to communicate and fight! I mean, at the end of the day – this is a true and legit problem on so many levels, but I just can’t grasp why people think that by constantly screaming and yelling and posting and name calling (even though we’d tell our kids to not do that) that we’re solving anything?!  And whether or not you feel that this particular family deserved it over the next or because of their horseshit parenting skills they had it coming. Or the fact that because they didn’t have a job they were worthless to ‘us’ anyways, gives you the right to justify it, then I guess do whatever you need too to sleep at night. As for anyone still reading this – allow me to put a slight twist on this a little more. To someone (a child – because remember, we were all children at some point, that never asked for the circumstances that we were put into) that grew up in a home with parents as meth addicts and homeless, the fact that the only drug they do is smoke pot, even if it’s around their children, they feel that they’ve improved their life. For those that grew up in physically abusive homes, watching their parents fight to no end, beating each other or their kids – the fact that those kids came out of that home only having alcohol issues, but never touching their own kids, is an improvement from the environment in which they knew. For those that went through the system, being tossed from home to home growing up, never feeling as if they were truly wanted, accepted or loved, the fact that they can hold a part time job is more stability then they’ve ever known. Do you know what the difference between a majority of us (white folk, privileged folk, wealth folk, the middle class, whatever title you want to give us) is alot of us had someone to help us. We had a support system on SOME level, whether it was family, friends, a teacher, a coach, a minister – they had someone, even if for a brief time. Someone that showed them just a little tiny bit of compassion that sparked their fire. This is something that many of us take for granted and something that not alot of people, even people close to you, truly know. That is a privilege.

In conclusion:

Is racism a problem in this country? Yes

Is police brutality a problem in this country? Yessum

Do we need law enforcement to keep us safe since we can’t all just get over ourselves and get along? Yip

Do we need law enforcement next time we or our loved one is in an accident, injured or has a health emergency? Yup

Is law enforcement often disrespected and also stereotyped? Yippers

Do we need more slander against one or the other? Nope

Do we need to feel as though we have to choose a side in order to feel like someone? As if a FB post is going to save the whole damn world and erase what is actually happening and been happening? Nada

I’m not claiming to have the answers to these many messes, I’m really not. I’ve just been trying to think of a way to not join the debate, but attempt to help put things into perspective again, for people to just take a deep breath and remember something more then black or white, in uniform or out, upper class or poverty – at the end of the day – we’re all something to someone, we’re all human, we all have emotions and most are damaged on account of things you can’t even imagine enduring, standing on both sides of the line. So, maybe instead of non-stop judgement and finger pointing we just set aside the fact that yes, there are people, of every race and profession that can ruin it for the mass, for the most part, they’re doing their best, even if it isn’t your best, according to your standards. I’ll be the first to admit this is can be extremely hard to put into play and remember on a daily basis! But, maybe if we just attempt to become more aware of our actions that we put out there and how much they actually align with what we say and preach, we could baby step our way a little closer to peace and calmness. Maybe if we just attempted to focus on one tiny little thing we all may have in common, instead of pointing out the differences so quickly, we’d have more productive conversation. And maybe if those words do get said, like we all tend to do in the moment, we attempt to make them right where we can, while we can.

I’d just like to leave you with this – the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Maybe, just maybe – we can all put down our weapons, whether gripping a loaded weapon, pounding the keys on a keyboard or pointing a finger – and just try something outside of what we’ve always done, which is fight. That’s what we resort too every single time – we feel like we have to have our guard up, armor on – ready to fight. Maybe trying the opposite, just for shits and giggles, might be of more benefit. Just maybe.…

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Blind Faith

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The first bible verse I memorized was Matthew 5:8 – “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.” The only reason I know it is because it was on my letter from Josie. I was born and raised Catholic. Not strict Catholic, but we attended mass on a regular basis, I completed my sacraments through Confirmation and we prayed before meals and bedtime.  These were all things I knew and learned, but nothing I was ever able to really connect with. They were motions that I went through, because that was the ‘right’ thing to do, but I never had a true desire or connection to it. Although on occasion, I do enjoy a good sermon, and I’ll be honest when I say I can’t imagine having a funeral outside of a church, I certainly didn’t feel ‘cleansed or glorified’ per se after leaving mass and a part of me hated that I didn’t “get it”. I was secretly jealous that my grandma, mom and sister did. What was wrong with me? After I had my daughter, I found myself repeating the same cycles, feeling as though she might be damned if she wasn’t baptized or enrolled in religion classes. Finding it necessary that we make as many masses as possible and that she grow up knowing how to ‘properly’ act in the church. I remember gloating about being Catholic when I was younger, honestly, I think for no other reason then feeling as if I were superior to others because of it. Because it is the largest religion, the highest money making religious institution and Lord knows we must have the most morals! Right?!

Both of my parents came from strong faith based families, whether Lutheran or Catholic, they were both raised with the importance of having it in their lives. They didn’t sit in the front row for show and I don’t remember talk of one religion downing another or thinking another to be superior -I just remember it being a base to their households and something that was carried into ours. From my perspective, on my mom’s side, it wasn’t about the religion as much as it was the faith. The connection between them and God, and yes, the importance of the institution to practice that. It was something that was built from having nothing else to stand on, from enduring times when the weight of the world seemed to collapse on their shoulders. From my grandparents watching their 3 year old son go through the Ramsey Burn Unit due to 80% of his body being burned, to losing their home and livelihood, a house fire, struggles with addiction, 2 bouts of breast cancer and a many other shenanigans in between! To my parents having me at the age of 16, enduring a strenuous marriage, from being broke throughout their 20s and having to build financial security from the ground up,  to losing their daughter, depression to dealing with Melanoma – I think it’s fair to say between them, they’ve been through some shit! And never wavering – I got the same answer every time – “our faith is what got us through, without it, we wouldn’t have made it.” And no matter how many times I heard that – I would still think – but HOW?!

Looking back, the real game changer for me in regards to the church setting, was after she died. I don’t know if it was as much of a hatred towards God or the church, but more of an absent feeling and even more so, was replaying the funeral everytime I entered the building. Every time I walked down that aisle for communion I had all I could do not to lose it. The only thing I saw was a packed church while we followed the casket down. While I lost interest in the church, I was immediately compelled towards a different form of faith – one that I’ve been drawn too ever since. 

I began reading so many books in regards to life after death and what happens to the soul once it leaves this ‘shell’. She died in my parents home, the kitchen to be exact. For many people, losing someone in the home is ‘creepy’, but for us it was a comfort, feeling as if she were still present and there with us. I began relying on that comfort, constantly talking to her and asking for guidance and support, while trying to be aware of the signs she put in front of me. And she more then delivered them! From my ex being freaked out because he overheard our daughter saying “good night Josie” at the age of 3, to her walking into my parents house and saying “hi Josie!” while looking over my mom’s shoulder, and then “I’m swinging up to heaven with Josie”. While reading her a book and watching the door start swaying just to have my ex run around trying to figure out if there was a window open while I sat and smiled and said “thanks Jos.” These were comforting, not creepy. they were and still are vital to us, that wave of relief hearing her name or the song Santa Monica. This was the start of this faith, which had less to do with Sunday morning sermons and memorized prayers and more to do with me and a direct relationship with God. Learning that although they’ve left the physical plane, it doesn’t mean they still don’t play vital roles in our evolution. 

I’ve realized I don’t have to sit in an institution every week to feel as though I’m being judged, shunned or approved of by others as to whether I’ll see the Pearly Gates when my “time comes”. That God is in every single living thing that surrounds us, and maybe if we paid more attention to the sunrises and sunsets, the green grass, snow covered trees or sitting and playing a game or coloring with my daughter, we’d see more of him. Maybe instead of bitching about how we’re entitled because we have jobs, while others are trash because they don’t, instead of judging on account of race or the home in which they live, instead of debating over politics and religion and which one is better and why – maybe we’d be putting more ‘God’ in our lives in a more useful way – each day, and not just for an hour a week. Maybe if we did more “I’m grateful for…” and less blaming the next guy, maybe if we paid less attention to social media and more to the ones in front of us, or read more Upworthy articles instead of listening to CNN, maybe if we smiled or complimented strangers more instead of instantly pointing out their outfit or weight gain or loss – then maybe we’d be a little more in alignment with that sermon? Am I saying I’m perfect in all these areas – ummm, NO – I’m still a work in progress too! 

But I feel like I’ve found a faith that is more concrete then I’ve ever had before, based on beliefs such as these. To realize we’re all souls just having a physical experience, this is just our ‘shell’ for awhile, but in the grand scheme of things we/they are still here to help guide us. That we’re meant to keep moving forward, always bettering ourselves and seeing things in a larger light.

I’m starting to see that we’re all bits and pieces of this Universe and each other and I don’t need a priest to absolve my sins, nor to bless me. I remember my cousin telling me after seeing the Dalai Lama, that people in the audience asked him to bless them and he said no, they didn’t need him, nor anyone else to do that for them. We’re all equal, we’re all of something bigger and higher, we don’t need someone at the pulpit to make us ‘right’, ‘better’ or ‘saved’ – we’re here to save ourselves – do we need God to do it? Yes. But since Josie has left, I’ve found a faith I didn’t know I had – one stronger then I could’ve imagined, and although this faith may seem unorthodox to many, it’s one that I’m finally able to connect and be comfortable with.

Continue reading The Aftermath

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Detour with V

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Blog - wake up V entryFor all of you who are feeling stuck, shit outta luck, sick and tired of being sick of tired, unsure of why you’re at a stand still in life, in a war with yourself in your head, staring at the other side of the road but completely unsure as to how to get over there – I encourage you to read further.
I’ve been at a stand still with the blog – 11 entries started, none completed! ha For any that follow or have asked how I’ve learned to heal or move forward, although I will be talking about more in detail about that as the entries move forward, I’d like to share this part with you.

My name is Amanda. I will describe myself as pre-Vanessa, and post-Vanessa.

Prior to starting this more intense part of my journey on my ‘path to purpose’, I would have best described myself as a single mother, who endured a very intense amount of hurt in a short amount of time about 8 years ago. Although I never doubted the fact that I was meant to do more in this life, I was stuck in a dark place of mental, physical and emotional pain.  I held an insane amount of anger and sadness within me – more than I ever realized.

I became ‘stuck’ in this repetitive pattern of self-hatred and self-destructive behavior, relying on outside crutches to temporarily ‘fix’ me. I was always standing at point A staring at a foggy version of point C, but was never able to bridge them together. I just continued in what seemed like a never-ending game of cat and mouse.

That’s when I met Vanessa – she was my bridge, she was the start of a clearer vision to a brighter future.

Less then a year after having the pleasure of crossing paths with Vanessa and completing the Wake Up Package – I would say I have more than ‘woken up’ in so many more aspects of my life, more than I could’ve realized! As a person, my world and I have changed from the inside out.

Have you ever wondered how you can be so sure of something and yet never know why?

Have you ever noticed how the dots in life can be perfectly connected when you look backwards?

That was me with Vanessa–I had no idea who she was, but from a very generic, brief description from a friend of a friend, I somehow knew that she would be able to help me. Without thinking twice, I connected with her and the rest is history. Words cannot explain but I would call it something beyond a ‘soul connection’.

I was at a career crossroads, debating on changing careers. Debating on incurring more school debt and reducing the status of my full time job to do so. For whatever reason, I knew she was the intervention and guide I needed right then and there while I was on the brink of making this decision. However, I had no idea of the extent that she would be able to help in every area of my life, not just my career. I was oblivious to the depth in which I needed the help and the how very badly fogged my lens on life was!

THE NAME ‘THE WAKE UP PACKAGE’ COULDN’T HAVE A BETTER TITLE–BECAUSE THERE’S NO DENYING THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT IT DID, AND WILL DO FOR YOU AS WELL!

I began to realize the perception I lived in, the chains that bound me to problems I thought I could never move beyond. Somehow those constant stop and yield signs began to dissipate once and for all. The cruise control was off, and I was finally awake while driving, enjoying the scenery as I passed by.

Now, I would be lying if I said this process was pain free or there was a direct flight! There were times when it was a very painful process; times when I was forced to rip the bandage off, forced to realize that in one hand, I held both the bullet to the gun and the keys to the shackles of my own life all at once. But the liberation that comes with it, I can’t quite explain. The weight that was lifted from me after completing this process. It’s something that I have never felt before. The best part is, after you complete the package, you’re ‘done’ per se, but on so many levels, you’ve only just begun.

You want to keep learning in the school of life and Vanessa is ALWAYS there as a constant resource for those ‘pick me up’ sessions to get you through as you need it. She’s not just a life stylist, she’s a phenomenal traffic director, because as she’s trying to help you clear those ‘road closed’ signs, she’s a resource to so many other healing modalities and people.

The amount of connections that I made just through her in a short amount of time was unreal! I honestly can’t thank her enough, for not only helping me to finally free myself, but to help my family as well. To help us to see what the ‘flipping of a lens’ can do. The services that Vanessa offers are truly priceless: these are things that you won’t learn from a textbook, from a therapist or on the job training–and the best part is–they can be used in EVERY aspect of your life for the REST of your life.

Thank you for showing me what liberation from myself feels like.  It feels so good to finally be able to stand on the other side of the road and see how far I’ve come in a short amount time! Originally that was a road I couldn’t even see across. Thank You for the life-long connections and lessons you’ve taught me along the way. To know you are only a phone call, Skype session or a short drive away from wherever in the world I happen to be is such a comforting feeling.

THANK YOU VANESSA FOR HELPING ME CATCH MY BREATH, FOR REDIRECTING ME ONTO A PATH THAT’S BETTER THAN I COULD HAVE IMAGINED–AND TO KNOW IT’S ONLY JUST BEGUN!  

Amanda Ellinghuysen

This is the testimonial I wrote for Vanessa and feel she deserves an entry of her own 🙂 And hey, it’s tax season people! Money to burn, money to burn! And this year – put it towards something that’ll get you farther then the same old mundane shit – live a little – live for yourself, be OK with taking a step in a new and right direction and quit allowing fear and excuses to keep you stuck. Unravel yourself – I PROMISE – you won’t be sorry! 🙂

http://www.vanessafeils.com  http://www.vanessafeils.com/client-love/

Apples to oranges

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blog apples2oranges pic

APPLE TO ORANGES

“Whatever happens to you, belongs to you. Make it yours. Feed it to yourself, even if it feels impossible to swallow. Let it nurture you, because it will. “ – Cheryl Strayed

There were many years I truly believed it was impossible to take any more blows. I was sure that there was no humanly way possible to survive them if I was forced to take another hit. I thought I was the only one that endured that kind of tragedy and pain to the extent I did and within the short amount of time that I did. In the same breath I’d find myself looking around and thinking ‘don’t complain, it can always be worse, you have so much to be grateful for.’ But I was wrong – about most of it.

Maybe by constantly feeling as if I had to bury it, that I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to complain, vent or cry about it – I was only making it worse. Maybe feeling like my circumstances were less then so many others or that I didn’t have the right to feel and think the way I did, only prolonged my healing further. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I had alot of safe havens and wonderfully supportive people in my life (God only knows they listened to me like a broken record of the Titanic song replaying over and oveeeeer!!  Even though I had those outlets I was still always thinking I didn’t have the right to feel bad, sad or mad about certain parts of it. And more importantly I think the focus of those venting sessions were being placed on things and people that, at the time I thought were the issues. Primarily because I couldn’t say what I was actually thinking, or perhaps I just didn’t allow myself to go there mentally. It was as if the only emotion tied to her was sadness and the only one tied to him was anger. I couldn’t be mad at her or sad over him because it wasn’t her fault she felt that way and I couldn’t cry about someone who I was supposed to be happy I was rid of. It’s as if it’s ingrained in us to always remember ‘it could be worse’ or ‘at least you aren’t them!’ So, while I had outlets, I was always playing this game with myself that I needed to quit, needed to get over it, needed to stop thinking or feeling certain things as they arose. So, instead I’d go back to my default emotion and cry or rage depending on which one it pertain too 

There’s this constant comparison in our world that we always need to shut up and just be thankful. While gratitude is important, burning our stories and emotions surrounding them, only further suppresses what is already there. We have every right to endure them in whatever manner we need too in order to work through them. It’s as if we can better justify what’s going on in our life at the time by doing things such as self talk like ‘get over it’ or ‘just be grateful’. Maybe that’s why we endure those relationships for far longer then we ever should’ve allowed, wallow in guilt or pity towards others, staying bound to their ways, or stay in our own hellhole of a prison, induced by depression and self hate for years beyond what was needed. Maybe by just owning it and feeling every terrible aspect of it, we’d be able to move through it faster.

Now, 8 years after her death and 7 post separation, I’ve had to relive every dirty and sickening detail of both. And each time they’ve resurfaced, they’ve come back at a greater intensity because of it. So, maybe you should scream into your pillow when you need too, cry in the middle of the store because you thought for a split second you seen a glimpse of them, laugh because that song that just came on triggered a memory. Maybe there isn’t an answer for everything, maybe we need to feel it for what it is because it’s our story. Maybe the constant comparison is doing nothing but driving us all deeper into a state of hell and oblivion. Maybe instead of thinking we’re entitled to all the material things around us, we should realize we’re entitled to our emotions surrounding our circumstances. Maybe then there’d be less holes in the walls or terrible things said and done, maybe there’d be less depressive states, less cheating, less hate and anger. Maybe if we’d just allow ourselves to act or react at the time that the actual emotion occurs instead of telling ourselves how ridiculous we’ll look crying for no reason, or screaming in our car at a red light is taboo, the only ones we’re hurting is ourselves.

Healing comes from within, and it comes from no one but ourselves. Maybe when we just being a little truer to our emotions as they arise, truer to our journey and hardships as they cross our paths, maybe we can move forward – for real. It’s OK if you feel like your world is falling apart on account of a break-up, or that you won’t survive if you loose your parent to a disease, or that you can’t possibly face another soul in public after an embarrassing charade at the local saloon or that you’ll be a let down if you lose your job. It’s OK because I know what all of them feel like.

 When you look at the grand scheme of things – it’s terrible right then and there, but then again, it was terrible in 9th grade when the opposite sex turned you down. It was terrible when you rolled your car in your driveway (oh wait, maybe I’m the only one that’s ever done that ahahahaaa) It was terrible to get the rejection letter to your college of choice or first pick job. many have been terrible in your life, and at the time, they needed to be and were warranted for their own reasons, but you survived them too. Maybe the trick to surviving has more to do with being OK that things are shit right then, and less to do with comparing our story to the next persons. Maybe while saying our ‘gratefuls’ we can also curse and cry about the things that aren’t so great. Either way, it’s worth a try to allow yourself to feel every corner of grief, of loss, of the unknown, of being scared shitless, of anger, rage hate, fear, sadness and love all at once! (Yep, there are days it happens just like that – one big ball of ‘holy shit – I’m laughing through my tears while punching my pillow! As different and unique as all of our stories are in so many ways, maybe our reactions behind them aren’t as crazy as they may seem, or not to the extent that we feed ourselves anyways.

Continue reading Blind Faith

*If this resonates with you, please share on social media to help others in their journey!**

Out with the old, in with the new!

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lakesunset

I don’t know about anyone else – but I’m more then happy to send 2015 off with a square kick in the a**! Man, this year has been intense! I walked into 2015 being advised that my actions needed to start meeting my words. That while I knew I wanted a change in my life, I was reminded that me, perched on a bar stool with a vodka water in hand, isn’t exactly the fastest way to get there! (Who knew?! 😉

What a whirlwind of a year…exhausting, painful and liberating all at once. It reminded me of my pregnancy, the days long, but the months short once I made it through and she arrived. I felt like I wasn’t making any progress, and when I did, I’d back step, stumble and trip myself 10 steps backwards, only to later be launched forward! Did I say whirlwind?

We, as a collective, have endured alot this past year! Things have amped up tremendously and it’s been intense and a bit scary to think of the direction that we could be headed. From ISIS to politics to Ferguson to climate change it seems things are in disarray every way we turn. It’s hard to feel like we have any type of control over our lives, let alone believing the things we do attempt to do will have any impact!

It was a year of change for me personally, on a very different scale. The advice given to me that stung the most, but also stuck with me was “insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.” I thought I had done so much healing over the past few years, I had worked so hard to overcome obstacles and let go of anger and grief, only to feel as though I had barely touched the surface. The layers feel never ending and each time I thought I could finally close another door, something more would show up with even more intensity, reminding me that this is an ever changing process. Things are always evolving, as are our thought process and feelings around events, people and places as time passes.

It’s been a big year of letting go of SO many things outside of me. I quit coffee and smoking, and significantly decreased my drinking. These have been my physical go-to’s for well over 10 years, so they were big (and hard) accomplishments in themselves! I’ve had to let go of control and be OK with taking leaps on account of blind faith. I let go of people, important people, that although were comfort and routine, weren’t helping me evolve. I learned the importance of boundaries within relationships as well and was forced to speak up about them….all of them, with all relationships. I’ve learned to let go of old and toxic thought patterns, especially about myself. I’ve learned to start questioning more things, both in my life (unconscious behavior and beliefs) and the world at large, seeing things from a different vantage point. Learning to quiet my mind and mouth, and instead being a student of life, with more appreciation then complaining. Letting go of anger and grief, on a deeper level and from a different perspective. Letting go of the ‘norm’ that society seems to impose on us.  Letting go of the need for outside approval and learning to trust myself. There’s been alot more ‘bucking of the system’ (which, let’s be real – I’ve always been a natural at 😉 but trying to do it without fear and guilt, anger and rage. It’s been hard to become more aware of myself and my tendencies, falling back into ‘default mode’ and then not beating myself up for it, instead, course correcting when needed.

As much of a pain in the ass this year has been, I feel like it’s been the ground work for what’s to come! I hope it’s one of resolutions that are larger then just the same old ‘I’m going to loose 20 pounds’. I hope it’s one of true, authentic intention, a better outlining of where we really want to see change in our lives, and more importantly – within ourselves, not just outside of us. I hope it’s one of goals on a larger scale and seeing that it really does begin within us. One that is geared more towards giving and self assessing and less towards blaming. More towards healing our own inner demons and coping in a new way. Focusing more on our passions instead of getting lost in the victim mentality. Remembering that we’re here to move forward, not stay stuck. That we aren’t bound to anything or anyone unless we tell ourselves that’s our only option. Reminding ourselves that we are worth more then we give ourselves credit for, that our past doesn’t own us and it’s up to us to resolve and let go of any anger, guilt or fear that may be surrounding it. I hope it’s one of less social media and more of being present with those standing in front of us. I hope it involves more quiet time for us to think and reflect, with an abundance of gratitude. And although I still have a long road ahead of me, trying to implement this in all areas of my life, I’m really hoping 2016 is just plain BIGGER and BETTER!

I’d also like to give a BIG thanks to all of you who have taken the time to follow me and give me the positive feedback to keep me moving forward on this new endeavor! And a deserved shout out to Aimee, who gave me this advice last January which better put things into motion for me. For planting the seeds (and it actually resonating this time;) that in order to see the change, I have to be the change. Your help through the years has been a base of something that is finally coming into fruition – thank you for that 🙂 (check out her fantastic services at http://www.intuitiveaim.com/ )

SO, a big, fat PEACE OUT to 2015 – thanks for the lessons, but I’m ready for a more peaceful 2016, please and thank you! 😉