suicide survivor

Heaviest of Baggage

/ Revolution.07 / 2 Comments

They say there are 7 stages of grief, and I’ve lived this grief in more then just the loss of Josie – it just arose differently each time.

The entry ‘The Fog’ was my state of shock and denial – and one that still, on occasion, arises. Bringing with it questions such as – did that all really happen – is this really my life? So whether it be a break up, a divorce, an argument, a friendship, or in this case, a death – the guilt that follows can be intense when it does surface. It’s something that can eat a person alive while replaying each detail. When you’re standing there wondering ‘how did I get here?’ At what point did I go wrong – I must’ve missed the signs that were pointing to this moment – how could I have been so blind?!

For me, guilt has by far the heaviest of burdens to carry. It was something that sunk in, settled nice and deep and didn’t think of moving. It was a dark force that not only made me replay every last word, minute and scenario leading up to that phone call, but it imposed itself in every area of my life from there on out. The non-stop thought process of ‘I’m so sorry Josie, I’m just so sorry, will you ever forgive me? I should’ve known, I should’ve taken the time, I should’ve gone to the places you asked me to go instead of worrying about what it would cost, I should’ve asked more questions – real questions, not just the surface ones. I should’ve allowed you to speak, given her the opportunity to really open up without going into what was happening in my world. I should’ve claimed her more when we were younger instead of pawning her off. I should’ve let her sit on the bus with me, or sleep with me when she was scared. I should’ve listened to my mom – all the times she’d say ‘that’s all you have is  each other, be good to one another.’ I should’ve chosen you over him, instead of worrying about what fight would stem from it. I should’ve traveled with you instead of worrying about getting ahead on payments and making sure my credit score was tip top. I should’ve actually said what I was thinking when we were out smoking the night before ‘Jos, you seem so good, and you’ve lost weight!’ I shouldn’t have let it go when you hesitated after I brought up designing the wedding invites. I should’ve stayed up longer that night instead of being so concerned with getting to bed because I had just started a new job. I should’ve listened to my gut and gotten back up when I heard you shut down the computer and remember vividly hearing your footsteps walk across the floor, for what would be the last time. I should’ve acted, or perhaps reacted, when I had a fleeting thought while laying there listening to you put on your shoes, ‘I wonder what’s going on, something seems off’. I normally never thought that stuff, because alot of times, that was the norm, her moods were up and down and she would get irritated with me, like siblings do, and I’d brush it off and tell her to relax. My go-to response was telling  her to get over it and not to be so sensitive. But that night, I remember feeling like something was off as I laid there. 

I should’ve hugged and kissed her and said I love you, instead of worrying about pride or what that would look like. We were raised in a family of huggers, you didn’t get to walk in the door without being bombarded by hugs and kisses from everyone – no matter what the age. My mom’s side used to remind me of a big Italian family – kisses, hugs, everyone’s talking at once, loud laughter, wine, food – the whole works. (only thing missing was the minor detail that none of us were actually Italian ha!) We grew up with affection and yet we rarely were towards each other. Maybe I thought I was too ‘cool and tough’ for it.

Instead, I waited until she was in the casket, only then did I try and squeeze in every last kiss, apology and ‘I love you’ that I could before they forced us to close it. From then on out – I was constantly begging for forgiveness. We all were. Always asking her and God to forgive us for what we did or didn’t do correctly, forgive us for making you feel like that was your only way out. Forgive us for not saving you. Forgive us for not making you feel…whatever it was you felt you were lacking! Forgive us for every word never spoken and all the ones that shouldn’t have been. ‘Forgive us our sins’…for we felt there were plenty.

The fear that set in with the guilt was uncontrollable. Every decision from there on out became based on the thought of ‘I don’t want to live with this guilt if something were to happen.’ That was my life for years to follow – living in a constant  fear of guilt. Fear I’d do something to mess another thing up, fear I’d lose someone else and have to live with even more damage that I created. Whether I actually wanted to do something or not, came with the constant reminder of ‘what if you lost them too.’ It became this internal battle with myself, that eventually just flowed into a new found reality and habit of forcing myself to remember how bad the pain can be if I weren’t to do ‘the thing’, whatever that was. 

At that point, although I didn’t realize it at the time – I started a cycle of constantly living in the past, surrounded by depression. I made sure I never forgot all the fuck ups I made with her. And, let’s not forget the regret I forced myself to carry, while also making sure fear had the front seat to remind me I had no room to fuck up again. And just like that – I found myself hauling that ‘old fat guy’ up the hill -more like the mountain – that I had built, to make sure I suffered for all the wrongs I could no longer make right…

Continue reading Demons Within

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Gutted

/ Revolution.07 / 1 Comment

Let yourself... quote cheryl strayed

That’s what I felt like after writing the last post – gutted. And it’s really only the beginning of the story…the details. Isn’t it funny how things in your head play out so differently then they do when they’re in front of you? I’m realizing I didn’t take into consideration that I need to have a starting point. I realized I was going to have to go back to uncharted waters prior to 2007. What life was like then – the ‘pre-Josie’ era. That one word, “gutted”, summed it up perfectly, as it’s exactly how I felt.

I don’t know how many more times I can be told, ‘everything is always in perfect timing. Every time you want to move forward with your life, every time you want to shed a layer, be ready for what will follow. Be ready for the hurricane of emotions, thoughts and feelings to arise. The ones that you probably didn’t know you had. Be ready for the rawness of every cell in your body to be stripped. Be ready for things to surface that you didn’t know you needed to address. And once it does, and you allow it to enter you and feel it through, KEEP GOING. Keep peeling away the layers, ripping off the bandages, but know that there will be 10 more to follow. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Allow yourself to take off the armor, put down the shield and just open yourself up to the things you’ve forced yourself to bury and hide from. Because for as much as you want to help others, you’re being forced to help yourself more. As many times as I need that reminder, it’s still hard to comprehend when the going gets tough.

When I think back to all the coulda, shoulda, wouldas – I think to myself – ‘self’ (ha) imagine if everyone had this opportunity? Imagine if everyone started doing and saying and better expressing their raw, and true emotions? What if people were more accepting and respectful of those that did? I don’t mean out of anger, sarcasm, hate or pain – but just out love and letting it all go? A true, heart to heart and face to face conversation of where their story began, starting with the details of their childhood. Whether it be with another person, a mirror, or a journal? What a lighter load it’d be to carry if we all had the opportunity to release the pent up things we’ve held for so long, even if they are painful to say out loud? And even if the other person wasn’t accepting of it, what if we could just feel better for releasing it?

When I think back to Josie – I think of all of the things she internalized – for all the times we’ve said ‘if we had been more _____’ Well, maybe we still can be – maybe that’s where we need to start – just by putting down the armor and shield in constant defense of what might come next. Who might piss us off or offend us, who might hurt us, who might annoy us, or be a nuisance next. Or, who we may upset on some level, the fear of never wanting to rock the boat, but knowing deep down in our soul it’s apart of you. For all of the feedback I’ve gotten thus far – I invite you all to keep that in mind…as I continue to peel back the layers of my story – I invite you to do the same in yours. Think about how you can relate, or why you relate, or perhaps you can simply relate a little easier to someone else. It is the beginning of any healing revolution – allowing yourself to be gutted – instead of being worried about what the person next to you may say, or your spouse may think of you – maybe facing your own story from the beginning is the start of something painful – but also something so liberating! 

Continue reading Heaviest of Baggage

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In a Nutshell

/ Revolution.07 / 7 Comments

Revolution is a word that has come out of my mouth more in the past 2 years then ever before. I’m a believer in it. And although at the time I wasn’t sure what type of revolution was needed in this world – I began thinking of when my own personal revolution began. It was 2007. 2007 was a huge shifting point in my life – and it’s taken me years to realize that. 07 was the year I got engaged, quit my full time job (without a back-up plan), remodeled and moved into the house I grew up in and it was the year that ended with the loss of my sister. My only sister – Josie – at the age of 19 – from an unexpected suicide after a loosing battle with clinical depression.

That was a turning point in my life that brought me to the depths of the valleys I never knew existed. I felt things I wouldn’t wish upon anyone and I learned things I never want to repeat. But just as the night is always darkest just before the dawn – on the other side of every valley is a hilltop. After years of not only sitting in the valley, but years more of drowning in water 2 inches deep unable to stand up – I’ve finally started to see with a clearer vision of what the view from that hilltop looks like.

Revolution.07 was my own inner tornado of life experiences – more like blows – that seemed to kick me each time I attempted to pick myself up. Have you ever felt as if you were banging your head on a wall wanting to make it stop but you couldn’t? That was me. The image I get in my head is Austin Powers trying to escape, he keeps putting it into drive, then reverse, then drive – but isn’t making any progress;)
My revolution began in 07, driven by intense and overwhelming cloud of sadness and guilt that I was unable to pull myself out of. In 2009 I took another hard blow of a very messy separation– from that point on I was anger driven. Overwhelmed by hatred and anger, I continued to spin out of control trying to find a new way to move forward, but too blind or consumed by past life experiences to know how.

The only consistent thing from 2007 to present has been my writing. This has been my safe haven and one of the few healthy coping mechanisms I used from the beginning of this shit show. I’ve been told multiple times through the years to blog but never had the confidence or the know how to actually do it. And I really didn’t think I had anything substantial to offer people on a regular basis through my writing.
There are still a lot of things about this endeavor I’m unsure of, such as what the format will look like or the topics will be – but I’m hoping you’ll stick with me and help guide me! And I hope I can help you – despite what your current situation may be – to see the light through the darkness, to know that healing is possible – from the depths of your soul. I hope you know there are people and resources out there to help get you there. To teach you that mind, body and soul are all connected and that peace within and without are possible. I know because I’ve finally been able see what the view from the top is starting to look like. And although I have plenty left ahead of me, I’m looking forward to this part of the journey. This is where my revolution has really begun – turns out it’s a healing revolution – and I hope it will help trigger yours as well. Welcome!

Continue reading the next entry “The Fog“

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