Winds of Change

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blog winds of change

After watching the movie Divergent I was reminded of another reason for choosing the name Revolution – because I have every intent on starting one (in a non-violent way 😉 I want people to see and think outside of the box. To realize that a majority of what they do think is based on a belief system that isn’t theirs. It’s something that has trickled down from past generations, society, the government, media, religion, schools and everywhere else, everywhere except us.

How many decisions, words and choices a day do we make based on account of something that’s been filtered into us? Based on account of habit and comfort and because we were told at some point? Told we need to vote this way, told we need to have a degree to make us job ‘worthy’ in the work force, told in order to see heaven we need to attend a religious ceremony. In the media we’re told how many more murders have happened in a day, how shit the economy is, how many more are homeless, how many are on welfare, which politician is ‘right’ and why and then after we’re fed all of this, we find ourselves either depressed or needing to take a ‘side’ to argue over which is “correct or better”, to make sure we stand superior to the next guy in line that doesn’t deserve health care or how another country deserves to watch their children die in front of them due to lack of vaccinations and food – all because we know more, do more, and simply are “the best.” And it isn’t just that we’re told this, a majority of it is actions over words – we see it. We see it in others actions, even when their words say otherwise, we see it in the news even when we aren’t sitting down to watch it, it’s still being filtered into our background, we see it all around us in some form. We self justify everything, and when we can’t, we simply point the finger the opposite direction. But why?

Maybe because we all live in a state of fear. Maybe because having to face it, them -ultimately ourselves – is harder then coping in the comfortable ways we’ve trained ourselves to do. Maybe because we’re fearful of what a spouse, parent, co-worker or friend might say. That they may be disappointed because that just isn’t stuff we discuss at the dinner table. But what if it was? What if we quit relying on the news to filter their bullshit and we quit listening to it? Does it matter what side of the story is who’s? Why do we feel like we have to take a stance on one side of the fence or the other every time?! What if the rebellion and revolution had less to do with everything outside of us, and more to do with everything inside of us?

What if we were hooked up to a machine and our worst subconscious fears were played out in front of us? What would they be? And what if they came true? Why are we so consumed by it, why do we feel like we have to ‘fit’ into the ‘norm around us? Fuck the norm – there never was one – I mean really, everyone has their own definition of the word anyways! We weren’t put here to stay stuck, to be superior or inferior to the next guy, to be confined to our past, to be confined – at all! We are each here to pass a test that has nothing to do with society, with being a good law abiding citizen or anything outside of or around us, and everything to do with our souls purpose. It’s not a pass/fail course – it’s a keep making it better, keep growing, keep loving, keep redirecting the sails kinda journey. It’s learning to silence the mind and start listening to our own inner intuition, something that can’t be scientifically proven. It’s learning to quit relying on ‘concrete answers’ and start trusting in something bigger and experimenting with what that means to each of us. It’s learning to go back to our childhood and remembering who it was that we were before we conformed, before trauma overtook us, before we were buried alive on account of everything and everyone around us. It’s learning to break ourselves from the chains that bind us and that it’s possible.

I want people to wake up to the madness of this world and the bullshit that we’ve been fed to make us ‘believe’ something that really isn’t the truth anyways. I want people to learn that words are words – they’re man made and they only hold as much meaning as you give them. We think there’s no way out of our 8-5 jobs, that our kids have to excel in every sport and class, that without a college degree they may not survive, that they need things to make them better and happy and keep up with others. That they need constant access to electronics to keep them entertained and able to stay in the loop. What if we’re just brainwashing them even more? What if we did less promoting of that, and more promoting of how to teach our kids how to volunteer, to stick up for others, to have a voice of their own, to choose something they’re passionate about and truly enjoy, even if it takes them till they’re 30 to figure it out! (Yep – that’s me 😉 Does it mean they’re less of a human being because they don’t have it all figured out? Shit who does?! Does it mean they won’t get far in life because they don’t fall within the guidelines of standardized testing – or is it that they just won’t meet our or others expectations?

It’s hard to even begin tearing down these walls and start asking ourselves why we think the way we do about certain subjects, because it’s something we haven’t been trained to question, whether it be from subconscious thinking, manners or ‘respect’. Maybe we’re all divergents, maybe none of us are supposed to fit into one category in life and only excel at that. Maybe we can be good in all of them, selflessness, peace, honesty, bravery and knowledge and practice them in every area of our lives, not just under certain masks or around certain people. (And yes, again, still a work in progress – right here!). Instead of thinking because our neighbor doesn’t work 60+ hours a week, he’s lazy, or because they don’t have initials behind their name, they’re stupid or because I don’t own the things my friends have I must be the odd man out. Maybe we should be focusing more on the good we could do, like instead of worrying about what bragging rights we have on account of what we own, we not only donate money to an organization, but we go work for them as well. Maybe bravery doesn’t have to come with a bullet proof vest and an M-16 standing on foreign ground, fighting for shit we think we deserve and own, maybe it can mean sticking up for something that isn’t morally right, even when it isn’t the ‘cool’ thing to do. Maybe the problem is we don’t question enough, or we’re questioning the wrong things and the wrong people. Maybe by starting to step outside of the box and tearing down the box that we’ve all managed to do a fine job of fitting in to some degree, we take a step back and ask “why” like a 3 year old does! Why do I think that, why do I do that, why am I this way, is there a reason behind my way of thinking or doing? Most likely, yes – you’ve just never taken the time to sit down and question it. Instead we all just keep yelling at brick walls trying to get a point across that has been slammed into us and we don’t even know why or if we really truly believe that on every level! Maybe, we start having faith in ourselves, more love and forgiveness towards ourselves – which will eventually overflow into other aspects of our lives which will become a domino affect, little by little. Maybe we should stop seeing it as we have no options/it is what it is/that’s just life and start seeing that we have more options then we think! We are the people – we do have choices – we do have a voice – it’s a matter of learning to quiet it when it comes to arguing and speaking it when it comes to the real truth. Maybe we’re just giving into what has been embedded into us by thinking we have to take a side, be something or someone specific. Maybe it’s learning to send each other off with a blessing, even when they are still screaming and knowing we’re worth more then that type of treatment.

I hope this planted some seeds and I hope you continue to question and water them and make them grow – for noone but yourselves. I hope you learn that there are things, ways and people outside of the ‘norm’ that aren’t quite as batshit crazy as you’d think, if you took the time to break down your own walls. That outside of the ‘norm’ can be where the exciting shit happens, where conversation spreads beyond who did what last weekend, which team is going to win the next set of playoffs, what garbage came out of Kanye’s mouth now or who sways which way in what election. To remember that we are the gate keepers to what and where we want to go, in the limited time we have to be here – I hope your revolution has begun – one of another way of thinking! 🙂

 

 

Blind Faith

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blogfaithsunset

The first bible verse I memorized was Matthew 5:8 – “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.” The only reason I know it is because it was on my letter from Josie. I was born and raised Catholic. Not strict Catholic, but we attended mass on a regular basis, I completed my sacraments through Confirmation and we prayed before meals and bedtime.  These were all things I knew and learned, but nothing I was ever able to really connect with. They were motions that I went through, because that was the ‘right’ thing to do, but I never had a true desire or connection to it. Although on occasion, I do enjoy a good sermon, and I’ll be honest when I say I can’t imagine having a funeral outside of a church, I certainly didn’t feel ‘cleansed or glorified’ per se after leaving mass and a part of me hated that I didn’t “get it”. I was secretly jealous that my grandma, mom and sister did. What was wrong with me? After I had my daughter, I found myself repeating the same cycles, feeling as though she might be damned if she wasn’t baptized or enrolled in religion classes. Finding it necessary that we make as many masses as possible and that she grow up knowing how to ‘properly’ act in the church. I remember gloating about being Catholic when I was younger, honestly, I think for no other reason then feeling as if I were superior to others because of it. Because it is the largest religion, the highest money making religious institution and Lord knows we must have the most morals! Right?!

Both of my parents came from strong faith based families, whether Lutheran or Catholic, they were both raised with the importance of having it in their lives. They didn’t sit in the front row for show and I don’t remember talk of one religion downing another or thinking another to be superior -I just remember it being a base to their households and something that was carried into ours. From my perspective, on my mom’s side, it wasn’t about the religion as much as it was the faith. The connection between them and God, and yes, the importance of the institution to practice that. It was something that was built from having nothing else to stand on, from enduring times when the weight of the world seemed to collapse on their shoulders. From my grandparents watching their 3 year old son go through the Ramsey Burn Unit due to 80% of his body being burned, to losing their home and livelihood, a house fire, struggles with addiction, 2 bouts of breast cancer and a many other shenanigans in between! To my parents having me at the age of 16, enduring a strenuous marriage, from being broke throughout their 20s and having to build financial security from the ground up,  to losing their daughter, depression to dealing with Melanoma – I think it’s fair to say between them, they’ve been through some shit! And never wavering – I got the same answer every time – “our faith is what got us through, without it, we wouldn’t have made it.” And no matter how many times I heard that – I would still think – but HOW?!

Looking back, the real game changer for me in regards to the church setting, was after she died. I don’t know if it was as much of a hatred towards God or the church, but more of an absent feeling and even more so, was replaying the funeral everytime I entered the building. Every time I walked down that aisle for communion I had all I could do not to lose it. The only thing I saw was a packed church while we followed the casket down. While I lost interest in the church, I was immediately compelled towards a different form of faith – one that I’ve been drawn too ever since. 

I began reading so many books in regards to life after death and what happens to the soul once it leaves this ‘shell’. She died in my parents home, the kitchen to be exact. For many people, losing someone in the home is ‘creepy’, but for us it was a comfort, feeling as if she were still present and there with us. I began relying on that comfort, constantly talking to her and asking for guidance and support, while trying to be aware of the signs she put in front of me. And she more then delivered them! From my ex being freaked out because he overheard our daughter saying “good night Josie” at the age of 3, to her walking into my parents house and saying “hi Josie!” while looking over my mom’s shoulder, and then “I’m swinging up to heaven with Josie”. While reading her a book and watching the door start swaying just to have my ex run around trying to figure out if there was a window open while I sat and smiled and said “thanks Jos.” These were comforting, not creepy. they were and still are vital to us, that wave of relief hearing her name or the song Santa Monica. This was the start of this faith, which had less to do with Sunday morning sermons and memorized prayers and more to do with me and a direct relationship with God. Learning that although they’ve left the physical plane, it doesn’t mean they still don’t play vital roles in our evolution. 

I’ve realized I don’t have to sit in an institution every week to feel as though I’m being judged, shunned or approved of by others as to whether I’ll see the Pearly Gates when my “time comes”. That God is in every single living thing that surrounds us, and maybe if we paid more attention to the sunrises and sunsets, the green grass, snow covered trees or sitting and playing a game or coloring with my daughter, we’d see more of him. Maybe instead of bitching about how we’re entitled because we have jobs, while others are trash because they don’t, instead of judging on account of race or the home in which they live, instead of debating over politics and religion and which one is better and why – maybe we’d be putting more ‘God’ in our lives in a more useful way – each day, and not just for an hour a week. Maybe if we did more “I’m grateful for…” and less blaming the next guy, maybe if we paid less attention to social media and more to the ones in front of us, or read more Upworthy articles instead of listening to CNN, maybe if we smiled or complimented strangers more instead of instantly pointing out their outfit or weight gain or loss – then maybe we’d be a little more in alignment with that sermon? Am I saying I’m perfect in all these areas – ummm, NO – I’m still a work in progress too! 

But I feel like I’ve found a faith that is more concrete then I’ve ever had before, based on beliefs such as these. To realize we’re all souls just having a physical experience, this is just our ‘shell’ for awhile, but in the grand scheme of things we/they are still here to help guide us. That we’re meant to keep moving forward, always bettering ourselves and seeing things in a larger light.

I’m starting to see that we’re all bits and pieces of this Universe and each other and I don’t need a priest to absolve my sins, nor to bless me. I remember my cousin telling me after seeing the Dalai Lama, that people in the audience asked him to bless them and he said no, they didn’t need him, nor anyone else to do that for them. We’re all equal, we’re all of something bigger and higher, we don’t need someone at the pulpit to make us ‘right’, ‘better’ or ‘saved’ – we’re here to save ourselves – do we need God to do it? Yes. But since Josie has left, I’ve found a faith I didn’t know I had – one stronger then I could’ve imagined, and although this faith may seem unorthodox to many, it’s one that I’m finally able to connect and be comfortable with.

Continue reading The Aftermath

*If this resonates with you, please share on social media to help others in their journey!**

Detour with V

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Blog - wake up V entryFor all of you who are feeling stuck, shit outta luck, sick and tired of being sick of tired, unsure of why you’re at a stand still in life, in a war with yourself in your head, staring at the other side of the road but completely unsure as to how to get over there – I encourage you to read further.
I’ve been at a stand still with the blog – 11 entries started, none completed! ha For any that follow or have asked how I’ve learned to heal or move forward, although I will be talking about more in detail about that as the entries move forward, I’d like to share this part with you.

My name is Amanda. I will describe myself as pre-Vanessa, and post-Vanessa.

Prior to starting this more intense part of my journey on my ‘path to purpose’, I would have best described myself as a single mother, who endured a very intense amount of hurt in a short amount of time about 8 years ago. Although I never doubted the fact that I was meant to do more in this life, I was stuck in a dark place of mental, physical and emotional pain.  I held an insane amount of anger and sadness within me – more than I ever realized.

I became ‘stuck’ in this repetitive pattern of self-hatred and self-destructive behavior, relying on outside crutches to temporarily ‘fix’ me. I was always standing at point A staring at a foggy version of point C, but was never able to bridge them together. I just continued in what seemed like a never-ending game of cat and mouse.

That’s when I met Vanessa – she was my bridge, she was the start of a clearer vision to a brighter future.

Less then a year after having the pleasure of crossing paths with Vanessa and completing the Wake Up Package – I would say I have more than ‘woken up’ in so many more aspects of my life, more than I could’ve realized! As a person, my world and I have changed from the inside out.

Have you ever wondered how you can be so sure of something and yet never know why?

Have you ever noticed how the dots in life can be perfectly connected when you look backwards?

That was me with Vanessa–I had no idea who she was, but from a very generic, brief description from a friend of a friend, I somehow knew that she would be able to help me. Without thinking twice, I connected with her and the rest is history. Words cannot explain but I would call it something beyond a ‘soul connection’.

I was at a career crossroads, debating on changing careers. Debating on incurring more school debt and reducing the status of my full time job to do so. For whatever reason, I knew she was the intervention and guide I needed right then and there while I was on the brink of making this decision. However, I had no idea of the extent that she would be able to help in every area of my life, not just my career. I was oblivious to the depth in which I needed the help and the how very badly fogged my lens on life was!

THE NAME ‘THE WAKE UP PACKAGE’ COULDN’T HAVE A BETTER TITLE–BECAUSE THERE’S NO DENYING THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT IT DID, AND WILL DO FOR YOU AS WELL!

I began to realize the perception I lived in, the chains that bound me to problems I thought I could never move beyond. Somehow those constant stop and yield signs began to dissipate once and for all. The cruise control was off, and I was finally awake while driving, enjoying the scenery as I passed by.

Now, I would be lying if I said this process was pain free or there was a direct flight! There were times when it was a very painful process; times when I was forced to rip the bandage off, forced to realize that in one hand, I held both the bullet to the gun and the keys to the shackles of my own life all at once. But the liberation that comes with it, I can’t quite explain. The weight that was lifted from me after completing this process. It’s something that I have never felt before. The best part is, after you complete the package, you’re ‘done’ per se, but on so many levels, you’ve only just begun.

You want to keep learning in the school of life and Vanessa is ALWAYS there as a constant resource for those ‘pick me up’ sessions to get you through as you need it. She’s not just a life stylist, she’s a phenomenal traffic director, because as she’s trying to help you clear those ‘road closed’ signs, she’s a resource to so many other healing modalities and people.

The amount of connections that I made just through her in a short amount of time was unreal! I honestly can’t thank her enough, for not only helping me to finally free myself, but to help my family as well. To help us to see what the ‘flipping of a lens’ can do. The services that Vanessa offers are truly priceless: these are things that you won’t learn from a textbook, from a therapist or on the job training–and the best part is–they can be used in EVERY aspect of your life for the REST of your life.

Thank you for showing me what liberation from myself feels like.  It feels so good to finally be able to stand on the other side of the road and see how far I’ve come in a short amount time! Originally that was a road I couldn’t even see across. Thank You for the life-long connections and lessons you’ve taught me along the way. To know you are only a phone call, Skype session or a short drive away from wherever in the world I happen to be is such a comforting feeling.

THANK YOU VANESSA FOR HELPING ME CATCH MY BREATH, FOR REDIRECTING ME ONTO A PATH THAT’S BETTER THAN I COULD HAVE IMAGINED–AND TO KNOW IT’S ONLY JUST BEGUN!  

Amanda Ellinghuysen

This is the testimonial I wrote for Vanessa and feel she deserves an entry of her own 🙂 And hey, it’s tax season people! Money to burn, money to burn! And this year – put it towards something that’ll get you farther then the same old mundane shit – live a little – live for yourself, be OK with taking a step in a new and right direction and quit allowing fear and excuses to keep you stuck. Unravel yourself – I PROMISE – you won’t be sorry! 🙂

http://www.vanessafeils.com  http://www.vanessafeils.com/client-love/

Apples to oranges

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blog apples2oranges pic

APPLE TO ORANGES

“Whatever happens to you, belongs to you. Make it yours. Feed it to yourself, even if it feels impossible to swallow. Let it nurture you, because it will. “ – Cheryl Strayed

There were many years I truly believed it was impossible to take any more blows. I was sure that there was no humanly way possible to survive them if I was forced to take another hit. I thought I was the only one that endured that kind of tragedy and pain to the extent I did and within the short amount of time that I did. In the same breath I’d find myself looking around and thinking ‘don’t complain, it can always be worse, you have so much to be grateful for.’ But I was wrong – about most of it.

Maybe by constantly feeling as if I had to bury it, that I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to complain, vent or cry about it – I was only making it worse. Maybe feeling like my circumstances were less then so many others or that I didn’t have the right to feel and think the way I did, only prolonged my healing further. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I had alot of safe havens and wonderfully supportive people in my life (God only knows they listened to me like a broken record of the Titanic song replaying over and oveeeeer!!  Even though I had those outlets I was still always thinking I didn’t have the right to feel bad, sad or mad about certain parts of it. And more importantly I think the focus of those venting sessions were being placed on things and people that, at the time I thought were the issues. Primarily because I couldn’t say what I was actually thinking, or perhaps I just didn’t allow myself to go there mentally. It was as if the only emotion tied to her was sadness and the only one tied to him was anger. I couldn’t be mad at her or sad over him because it wasn’t her fault she felt that way and I couldn’t cry about someone who I was supposed to be happy I was rid of. It’s as if it’s ingrained in us to always remember ‘it could be worse’ or ‘at least you aren’t them!’ So, while I had outlets, I was always playing this game with myself that I needed to quit, needed to get over it, needed to stop thinking or feeling certain things as they arose. So, instead I’d go back to my default emotion and cry or rage depending on which one it pertain too 

There’s this constant comparison in our world that we always need to shut up and just be thankful. While gratitude is important, burning our stories and emotions surrounding them, only further suppresses what is already there. We have every right to endure them in whatever manner we need too in order to work through them. It’s as if we can better justify what’s going on in our life at the time by doing things such as self talk like ‘get over it’ or ‘just be grateful’. Maybe that’s why we endure those relationships for far longer then we ever should’ve allowed, wallow in guilt or pity towards others, staying bound to their ways, or stay in our own hellhole of a prison, induced by depression and self hate for years beyond what was needed. Maybe by just owning it and feeling every terrible aspect of it, we’d be able to move through it faster.

Now, 8 years after her death and 7 post separation, I’ve had to relive every dirty and sickening detail of both. And each time they’ve resurfaced, they’ve come back at a greater intensity because of it. So, maybe you should scream into your pillow when you need too, cry in the middle of the store because you thought for a split second you seen a glimpse of them, laugh because that song that just came on triggered a memory. Maybe there isn’t an answer for everything, maybe we need to feel it for what it is because it’s our story. Maybe the constant comparison is doing nothing but driving us all deeper into a state of hell and oblivion. Maybe instead of thinking we’re entitled to all the material things around us, we should realize we’re entitled to our emotions surrounding our circumstances. Maybe then there’d be less holes in the walls or terrible things said and done, maybe there’d be less depressive states, less cheating, less hate and anger. Maybe if we’d just allow ourselves to act or react at the time that the actual emotion occurs instead of telling ourselves how ridiculous we’ll look crying for no reason, or screaming in our car at a red light is taboo, the only ones we’re hurting is ourselves.

Healing comes from within, and it comes from no one but ourselves. Maybe when we just being a little truer to our emotions as they arise, truer to our journey and hardships as they cross our paths, maybe we can move forward – for real. It’s OK if you feel like your world is falling apart on account of a break-up, or that you won’t survive if you loose your parent to a disease, or that you can’t possibly face another soul in public after an embarrassing charade at the local saloon or that you’ll be a let down if you lose your job. It’s OK because I know what all of them feel like.

 When you look at the grand scheme of things – it’s terrible right then and there, but then again, it was terrible in 9th grade when the opposite sex turned you down. It was terrible when you rolled your car in your driveway (oh wait, maybe I’m the only one that’s ever done that ahahahaaa) It was terrible to get the rejection letter to your college of choice or first pick job. many have been terrible in your life, and at the time, they needed to be and were warranted for their own reasons, but you survived them too. Maybe the trick to surviving has more to do with being OK that things are shit right then, and less to do with comparing our story to the next persons. Maybe while saying our ‘gratefuls’ we can also curse and cry about the things that aren’t so great. Either way, it’s worth a try to allow yourself to feel every corner of grief, of loss, of the unknown, of being scared shitless, of anger, rage hate, fear, sadness and love all at once! (Yep, there are days it happens just like that – one big ball of ‘holy shit – I’m laughing through my tears while punching my pillow! As different and unique as all of our stories are in so many ways, maybe our reactions behind them aren’t as crazy as they may seem, or not to the extent that we feed ourselves anyways.

Continue reading Blind Faith

*If this resonates with you, please share on social media to help others in their journey!**

Rear view mirror

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rearviewmirror

That rear view mirror, I’m realizing – is where I’ve spent a majority of my life. Always staring back at another door closed. Whether it was slammed shut, nicely closed, left half open for torment (by no ones fault but my own) or I was forced through it…that mirror is where I’ve spent the last few years of my life. Trying to figure how to edit the picture because I’ve hated so many details of it.

I’d become resentful of the good just as much as the bad. The good was a reminder of where I wasn’t anymore. And a constant threat that I may never achieve “it” again. I hated how intense the bad parts were, and the overflow effects of them. Every part of my life suffered in some degree from the lack of control over the deeply ingrained sadness and anger. Every picture triggered a memory. A memory of when Josie was still here, what my weight was, what my dreams and aspirations at that time consisted of, a reminder of what I had lost. After my daughter was born was one of the few times I remember feeling fully content in every aspect of my life. But as different aspects of my life began to unravel that faded as well.

To look back at that blurred picture of my past there were 2 massive gashes that split my world in 2. The first driven by sadness and guilt, it’s as if they’re chapters labeled ‘pre-Josie and post-Josie’ and the second driven by anger and shame, or the ‘pre and post-divorce.’ It’s as if they were historic “Eras” in my life that set the stage for what was to come. From then on almost everything was replayed on a daily basis, constantly wondering where I went wrong in both places, both with her, and with him. Hating myself even more for not being able to help her and not being able to keep him. For never measuring up, for feeling lost, for being broken, for being everything I never thought it was possible to become, especially in such a short amount of time.

Stage 5 is Acceptance. 8 years later, I’m finding I’m still learning to ‘accept’ little aspects that perhaps I haven’t put to rest. Maybe acceptance is realizing that that mirror needs to be shattered. Because no matter how many times I go back and replay it, try to figure out exactly at which point I went wrong, was it how I said it or was it that I didn’t say it? Was it that I didn’t love hard enough, or too much? Was it the tone in which I said it or the manner in which I did it that sent off the wrong message? Or, was it that I did all of them, I just did the wrong ones with the wrong person? Maybe it was that I should’ve loved her more and him less, I should’ve said more to her instead of giving into the argument with him. 

You know what I’m learning to say to that – it’s all fucking bullshiiiiiiiiiiiit!! Every word of it. The truth is, it doesn’t matter what I did or didn’t do, how I said it, or if I said it, how I looked, how I felt, what I thought – the point is – this is where I am now. There is no such thing as a ‘filter’, a ‘crop’ or an ‘edit’ button on life and there’s certainly no such thing as rewind! I’m sick of beating myself up for it, I’m sick of reliving it, I’m sick of wanting it to look and be different, I’m sick of the emotions that arise when I do relive it, I’m sick of the energy and time I put into things that will never make the outcome any different then what they are.

There are many days that I hate that this is my life and my story, because I feel like it could’ve and should’ve been different. But, what if, we could hit the rewind button and we did it according to the ‘textbook’ way and it still ended? Maybe with a different ending, but the same result nonetheless? What if she had been killed in a car accident instead of overdosing? What if he was honest and asked for a separation instead of lying and cheating? What if I would’ve just listened to my gut every time? Would it have made it a little less painful in some ways? Perhaps. But would it have changed the end result? Less then likely. Because sometimes it shakes out a certain way because it has too, because maybe that’s the only way that we’ll wake up and see things in a different light. Or, maybe that’s the only way we’ll finally walk away for good and know that going back is no longer an option. Maybe I put up with it for so long and just kept signing myself up for one more round in the ring after the other until I finally had to have the door slammed in my face so I’d get it…like for real! Maybe I wanted control of something I never had control of to begin with, maybe I wanted to fix something that wasn’t meant to be fixed, maybe I was being told and shown that I needed to be done trying to make something out of nothing. Maybe I have been far more lost and broken because of all of it. Maybe…hopefully…I’ll come out stronger and farther ahead because of it.

Whatever the case may be, however it plays it, peace out to the rear view mirror. Adios to the replays. And a good square kick in the ass to the self hate, blame and shame I’ve allowed myself to feel and endure since those ‘gashes’. What’s done is done, if I don’t want to relive it then I need to make sure I heal from it and move forward, leaving the shattered pieces where they may have fallen. I can’t keep trying to put things together that were meant to stay broken, I can’t keep trying to fix people and things that aren’t meant to be fixed, nor do I want to be. A majority of it will remain shattered and tainted, and that’s ok, it’s part of my story and what makes it mine. I don’t want it to own me, to hold me captive, or to be my only story. I want to be able to look ahead with appreciation and enthusiasm, I want the rest of the story to consist of more then that shitty, smeared and broken, ugly and torn past. And the only one that’s sitting in the drivers seat is me. I’ve spent the better part of 8 years with the loaded gun in one hand and the keys in the other. Am I going to pull the trigger over and over or am I going to break the chains that bind me and set myself free?

Continue reading Apples to oranges

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Gluttony and Starvation

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Let’s just go back and unravel a few things that related to the last entry. Due to the response I got on it, it clearly hit home to many.

I named this gluttony and starvation because on so many levels that was my life – overindulging while starving myself simultaneously. Seems a bit insane, right? If I wasn’t drowning myself in booze and partying I was starving myself from food, if I was overeating I was withdrawing from my social life (damn scale and jeans that keep shrinking ;). It seemed there really wasn’t a time I wasn’t doing one and/or the other, and certainly no balance between the 2!

I’m willing to bet there are few that can’t apply this to their life as well . Whether it’s short or long term, we’ve all been in those shitty funks! It’s those plumets rock bottom that get devoured by the guilt and shame. The thoughts and feelings of being so abnormal because you can’t be the person you once were. Then the expectation related to those thoughts and feelings, both by yourself and others around you. On a totally unconscious level we bury them as deep as we can, whether it be booze, nose candy, smoking, sex, working out or food.  Then there’s the other end of the spectrum, starving and depriving ourselves, from food, healthy relationships, fun, from a job we might actually like or are passionate about. It wasn’t just physical either,  to say I was emotionally unbalanced was an understatement! But, then again, emotions are triggered by mental thoughts. If I wasn’t overly judgemental I was excessively sad or angry. If I wasn’t sad I was on a high that followed a terrible crash.

I always thought that I didn’t deserve it, that I was less then it, that until I could change my demeanor, weight, looks or attitude, I didn’t deserve all, or any goodness in my life. “It” is referring to whatever it was outside of me that I wanted.

I always justified how I didn’t deserve it or wasn’t good enough for ‘it’ or ‘them’. And, there were plenty of things outside of me that reiterated that as well. I mean has anyone looked at a magazine cover – and then tried to look in the mirror?! Pffff, kudos to all of you who can accept every single aspect of yourself! I mean, really – KUDOS! (Please tell me your secret!) Can you can love every piece of the extra 10 pounds you carry? The cellulite, the wrinkles, the stretch marks? Can you appreciate yourself inside out, good with the bad and your journey – without having a laundering list of things you had to sacrifice to get it? I couldn’t and it’s still a HUGE daily struggle for me!

I was always in competition when in it came to relationships too, whether it be with the bottle or other women, fearful of which would ‘win’ next. So after awhile I subconsciously began to like that game because it’s what I knew. So again, I starved myself from freedom, from relationships where I didn’t have to feel I needed to compete or fight or be controlled and over indulged in what I had become to know. I stayed on account of obligation, whether it be a social event we had coming up, or a trip or the way others guilted me into it, I always stayed far longer then I should’ve. And when a decent relationship actually did surface, I had no idea what to do with it! I didn’t know how to get along, how to not feel insecure, how not to be jealous or untrusting. It was a foreign language to me.

On a gut level, I always knew what was right. Always. There are few times I can’t recall exactly having those thoughts and feelings and talking myself right back into the vicious cycle! I’ve always had killer intuition, but not necessarily one that I’ve acted upon. Instead, I hated myself more! I hated myself for that slice of pizza, that piece of cake, one drink that followed the next. Then there’s the guilt that follows the choice that follows the result. The number on the scale because I ate it, the hangover because I drank it, the embarrasement because I said or did it, the guilt for not allowing the good to stay in my life. Just keep it coming! But hey, misery needs company too, right?!
And just like with all lies in life, I really started to believe all of it, down to the core.

So, for all of you that can relate to at least some aspect of this – you aren’t alone – not even a little bit. And I’m far from beyond it! I’m still learning how to work through it, how to remove myself from the places, people and things I don’t like about my life that I feel are adding to my already heavy baggage. And it isn’t all outside of me, alot of it is taking control of my own thoughts, acknowledging these things have been brewing and trying to peel away what seems like an unending amount of layers!

For all who contacted me on the last entry, thank you. It’s helpful to have feedback, and as happy as I was for it, I’m sorry so many can relate to these valleys. But, I guess talking and being open is the first step to awareness, and to healing. Funny how clearing the white elephant in the room makes that baggage seem alot lighter, eh?! 🙂

Continue reading Rear view mirror

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4th stage, 4th letter – D.

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It’s funny that the mental picture many get in their heads when hearing ‘psychiatric or mental issues’ is a padded room. Because I swore I was standing in one for years, there were days that room sounded far better then being in my own head.

This stage was, and to some degree still is, a huge part of my life. It’s the forbidden word, the one that we as society tries to avoid at all costs. Who can blame them, the highlight reels of the outside world are far more exciting then a topic such as this! 

So, depression, mental illness, psychiatric issues, a nut job, a lunatic – I don’t care what you want to refer to it as – it’s real. And it’s real in alot of other ways then that padded room. 

Josie was diagnosed at the age of 11. My parents never hid the fact that this was a concern. Not only was she treated by medication, but my parents made sure she had also had a therapist to talk through things. Depression is a word that I was very aware of growing up, but nothing I could personally relate too. It honestly never made sense to me. My mentality on the whole subject was ‘pick yourself up by your bootstraps, get over it and just be happy already!’ Then one day, I found myself standing on the opposite side of a fence I never understood, nor cared to ever understand. Once I was there – I instantaneously understood the physical and mental heaviness that so heavily bogged her down, both physically and mentally.

I remember standing in the kitchen while Nathan told me ‘you’re here, but you aren’t here, we need you here mentally just as much as physically.’ I remember thinking, yeah, no shit, I wish that was an option, but it’s something I can’t conceptualize at this point. From a physical standpoint, I had gained 40 pounds within a year – food became my safe haven. Aside from that, getting out of bed was SO much work, and being active was no longer in my vocabulary. I didn’t want to have to see a soul, including myself. I’ve never known mascara stained cheeks to be a trend, and that’s all that would happen if and when I did leave the house. The few times we would go out, I would find myself just standing there looking around thinking, I shouldn’t be here. I didn’t deserve to laugh or have fun. I’d find myself watching others doing just that and think ‘I wish I could do that and it come so naturally again.” No matter how many times I tried, like really tried to laugh or be fully engaged in a conversation, I couldn’t be genuinely engaged, every part of my mental body was a million miles away. The laugh wasn’t genuine, the conversation was surface, probably for both parties, because I’m sure others were unsure of what to say or how to say it. The only thing I could think about was her, how my life would never be the same, how I hated the person I was before this, especially my selfish ways, and yet how I so badly, to some degree, wanted to remember and be my old self again. It was a time of total and complete darkness.

By May of 2008 after suicidal thoughts, that I really don’t think would’ve been that hard to follow through on – I was admitted into the Generose outpatient program. It was the only option I had next to inpatient treatment. I was taken off of work for 6 weeks in hopes of regaining some sanity. That’s when my adventure with medications started, which only added to the weight gain and excessive sleeping at first, but at least when I was awake, I was a little more coherent. I believe most medications are a temporary bridge, there is only so much they are going to do, but the root of the problem often lies far deeper then that. I was directed to a Godsend of a Psychologist, Don Williams, who drastically impacted and seriously saved my life. He gave me insight on everything from suicide, to depression to parenting, to coping, while reiterating I wasn’t as crazy as I felt! (Always a nice reassurance, even if he was lying 😉 I began to look forward to our sessions, even if they were nothing but chronic breakdowns to start. They were my weekly ‘pick me up’ to get me through the next week, it was like a small load would be lifted from me each time I left.  After awhile the intense crying became a little less, but the topic was still repetitive. I remember telling him over and over, ‘I don’t know why I think these terrible things! I hate it, I know it isn’t right and I just want it to stop! It’s MY head, MY thoughts – I should be able to control them, I’M in charge of them! And, as always, his feedback was perfect. He would ask, ‘can a cancer patient make their tumor stop growing?’ Of course I looked at him like WTF does this have to do with anything!? He said ‘that’s the problem with society, everyone thinks it’s that easy, you just flip a switch and you can magically think differently. But this is a disease, just like cancer or heart disease. It’s the same as looking at that cancer patient and saying ‘it’s your body, make the tumor stop!’ It doesn’t work that way. I remember being awed, just like that, things made more sense. Isn’t it funny what we believe on account of what’s drilled into us? I was feeling so guilty for not being able to better control my mindset, but I was sick. Funny how things are viewed so differently isn’t it?

Don was my sounding board for years, he walked me through, step by step how to just survive by putting one foot in front of the other. That’s all it was for a long time, pure survival mode. It was like going back to the basics of teaching a child to eat, sleep and bathe on their own. I had to learn how important it was to shower and take 10 minute walks to try and clear my head, time to decompress, but not too much! I needed to start putting things back on my calendar, even if they didn’t sound the least bit enjoyable. Start wearing makeup and doing something with my hair before work. Things that used to come so easy to me, I was now having to be told to do. They worked – for awhile. But then I’d cycle back around again, needing another medication or dosage change. Fuck, when was I ever going to be normal again?! Better yet, was I even normal before? Did I even like the “me” before all of this? I had done such a good job hating that person, but I equally this one as well. Why can’t I just laugh, why is having fun so hard? Why can’t I be excited about things again? Why can’t I enjoy everything I have? Ready, set, walk…one .foot.in.front.of.the.other. They say slow and steady wins the race, and slow it was!

Continue reading Gluttony and Starvation

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Out with the old, in with the new!

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I don’t know about anyone else – but I’m more then happy to send 2015 off with a square kick in the a**! Man, this year has been intense! I walked into 2015 being advised that my actions needed to start meeting my words. That while I knew I wanted a change in my life, I was reminded that me, perched on a bar stool with a vodka water in hand, isn’t exactly the fastest way to get there! (Who knew?! 😉

What a whirlwind of a year…exhausting, painful and liberating all at once. It reminded me of my pregnancy, the days long, but the months short once I made it through and she arrived. I felt like I wasn’t making any progress, and when I did, I’d back step, stumble and trip myself 10 steps backwards, only to later be launched forward! Did I say whirlwind?

We, as a collective, have endured alot this past year! Things have amped up tremendously and it’s been intense and a bit scary to think of the direction that we could be headed. From ISIS to politics to Ferguson to climate change it seems things are in disarray every way we turn. It’s hard to feel like we have any type of control over our lives, let alone believing the things we do attempt to do will have any impact!

It was a year of change for me personally, on a very different scale. The advice given to me that stung the most, but also stuck with me was “insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.” I thought I had done so much healing over the past few years, I had worked so hard to overcome obstacles and let go of anger and grief, only to feel as though I had barely touched the surface. The layers feel never ending and each time I thought I could finally close another door, something more would show up with even more intensity, reminding me that this is an ever changing process. Things are always evolving, as are our thought process and feelings around events, people and places as time passes.

It’s been a big year of letting go of SO many things outside of me. I quit coffee and smoking, and significantly decreased my drinking. These have been my physical go-to’s for well over 10 years, so they were big (and hard) accomplishments in themselves! I’ve had to let go of control and be OK with taking leaps on account of blind faith. I let go of people, important people, that although were comfort and routine, weren’t helping me evolve. I learned the importance of boundaries within relationships as well and was forced to speak up about them….all of them, with all relationships. I’ve learned to let go of old and toxic thought patterns, especially about myself. I’ve learned to start questioning more things, both in my life (unconscious behavior and beliefs) and the world at large, seeing things from a different vantage point. Learning to quiet my mind and mouth, and instead being a student of life, with more appreciation then complaining. Letting go of anger and grief, on a deeper level and from a different perspective. Letting go of the ‘norm’ that society seems to impose on us.  Letting go of the need for outside approval and learning to trust myself. There’s been alot more ‘bucking of the system’ (which, let’s be real – I’ve always been a natural at 😉 but trying to do it without fear and guilt, anger and rage. It’s been hard to become more aware of myself and my tendencies, falling back into ‘default mode’ and then not beating myself up for it, instead, course correcting when needed.

As much of a pain in the ass this year has been, I feel like it’s been the ground work for what’s to come! I hope it’s one of resolutions that are larger then just the same old ‘I’m going to loose 20 pounds’. I hope it’s one of true, authentic intention, a better outlining of where we really want to see change in our lives, and more importantly – within ourselves, not just outside of us. I hope it’s one of goals on a larger scale and seeing that it really does begin within us. One that is geared more towards giving and self assessing and less towards blaming. More towards healing our own inner demons and coping in a new way. Focusing more on our passions instead of getting lost in the victim mentality. Remembering that we’re here to move forward, not stay stuck. That we aren’t bound to anything or anyone unless we tell ourselves that’s our only option. Reminding ourselves that we are worth more then we give ourselves credit for, that our past doesn’t own us and it’s up to us to resolve and let go of any anger, guilt or fear that may be surrounding it. I hope it’s one of less social media and more of being present with those standing in front of us. I hope it involves more quiet time for us to think and reflect, with an abundance of gratitude. And although I still have a long road ahead of me, trying to implement this in all areas of my life, I’m really hoping 2016 is just plain BIGGER and BETTER!

I’d also like to give a BIG thanks to all of you who have taken the time to follow me and give me the positive feedback to keep me moving forward on this new endeavor! And a deserved shout out to Aimee, who gave me this advice last January which better put things into motion for me. For planting the seeds (and it actually resonating this time;) that in order to see the change, I have to be the change. Your help through the years has been a base of something that is finally coming into fruition – thank you for that 🙂 (check out her fantastic services at http://www.intuitiveaim.com/ )

SO, a big, fat PEACE OUT to 2015 – thanks for the lessons, but I’m ready for a more peaceful 2016, please and thank you! 😉

All I want for Christmas is…

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valleycreekinwinter xmas

There isn’t many people that can’t bow their heads this time of year in remembrance of someone missing around their dinner table. Whether it be a parent, grandparent, spouse, sibling or child – a large number of people know that deep loss and the holidays can be a reminder of that pain. And for those that don’t, I hope you can bow your head and give a deep, genuine and grateful ‘thank you’ for not knowing. And also, send a little extra love to anyone who you know may be hurting, especially in the earlier stages of coping with a loss.

The first few years, to say anything was bright, cheery or anywhere close to Merry was quite an exaggeration! When I was told ‘Merry Christmas’ the only thing I wanted to tell anyone was ‘Fu** off!’ If I didn’t have my daughter, there wouldn’t have been a tree or decorating and it would’ve been far more grim then it already seemed! As with all ‘firsts’ it was just another reminder of what was missing. Another reason to not want to leave the house, see or talk to anyone and surely no reason to celebrate! Despite what ‘stage’ you’re in, the ‘fog’ of shock and denial, engulfed in guilt or anger – it boils down to one thing – pain. An emptiness that feels physical in the body, a heaviness and sense of being literally lost. I was trying so hard to fake a smile and make the best out of it, especially for my daughter – but to be honest, I wasn’t that great at it, and to be more honest – I really didn’t care!

I felt like as the years went on I went through these phases of ‘screw it, we’ll buy whatever we want and spoil her – spend the money – who cares – ya can’t take it with ya!’ Then it became more about remembering to see the larger picture – being grateful for those that we still have sitting at the table with us. Those that we’re able to reflect with on the memories, those that have been our rock through the valleys and celebrated with us on the hilltops.

I remember when I got married everyone always said ‘make sure you try and take time throughout the day to just stop and take it all in – it goes so fast, you need to remind yourself to take those moments and breathe and just look around!” This is a great time of year to do that as well – but a very trying and hard time to implement it! In the chaos of go, go, GOOO – of the ripping open of one present just to get to the next one, of inhaling the delicious food, the stress of travel and which family gets X amount of time. Try and just take a step back with a breath and really take it all in. This is your life – and although there may be some missing at the table – there are important ones still surrounding you. The ones that have helped you grieve and make it through this far, that added more comfort then stress, that were your punching bag (figuratively;) when you needed, your shoulder to cry on (literally;) – appreciate those.

And more importantly, don’t just do it during the holidays. In the grand scheme of things – we shouldn’t need all these ‘dates on the calendar’ to remind us of these things. It shouldn’t have to be another holiday or another birthday to acknowledge those that have helped us get here. In the bigger picture – the grander scheme – all the rest is just minor, background details. It’s what we choose to bow our heads to be thankful for – it’s what we teach our children about what is most important about this time of year – it’s about being present, not getting presents! And this is something that I’m still struggling implying in all areas of my life, because default mode is soooo much easier! ha But – as you approach another holiday – I hope you’re able to stop and appreciate, even if only for a minute. I hope your list of ‘gratefuls’ is longer then your list of reasons to be sad, mad, disappointed – or anything in between! And for all of those that can’t see the gratefuls, that are still engulfed in the other stages – I so get it – all of it! And although it may not seem like it, some day – the pain won’t weigh as heavy, someday – you’ll be able to laugh through the tears – someday – your list of gratefuls will be more plentiful then any of the ‘stages’. Until then – may peace and healing envelope you from the inside out.

 

Demons Within

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anger quote 2

Anger – you dirty SOB. You are the root of so many things and rest in so many of us. You control, blame, hate and cause so much damage on a physical, mental and emotional level. This battle really is within ourselves. Stage 3 – bargaining and anger. I hate to admit it, but they became 2 very good friends of mine!

The funny thing about anger was, I didn’t realize  I hit that emotion until years later. There were very few times I remember being angry at her, and when it did arise, it was always short lived. I was far too consumed by guilt to be angry, after all, I felt as though it was largely my fault that she decided to  leave. The amazing thing about anger that I’ve noticed is, it’s rarely directed at the actual cause or source of where it’s been festering. Instead, it overflows into other aspects of our lives, and that was exactly the case here. For me, it primarily overflowed into my home life and job. It came through in various forms, but it was most blatantly directed at my fiancé at the time. Why you ask? Why not!? I mean, it was his fault I never did half of the things she wanted me too. It was his fault that I said ‘no’ to her every time she asked, it was his fault I felt too guilty to even ask if I could. It was his fault I ever thought I had to ask to begin with, or feared a fight would stem from it. It was his fault he didn’t understand it, at least not to the caliber we felt it anyways (according to me). It was his fault he had 3 siblings and I didn’t. Blame and anger are identical twins. Where you have 1, you’ll likely find the other. The finger that points outwards is never as powerful as the 3 pointing back at you!

I had just started my new job 2 weeks prior to her death, and I’d have to admit that a fair amount of anger was also taken out on the patients, in a non-obvious way. The only thing I could focus on for years after was how our Oncology patients at least got the opportunity to say goodbye. Every time I roomed someone or knew another person was going to hospice, that was my jealous thought towards them. As far as I was concerned, at least they had the chance to get their affairs in order, to say all of the things they wanted too, do the things they wanted, kiss and hug them before putting them in the ground – in fact – they had no idea how fortunate they were! A terrible comparison but it was the truth. It was my thought process, I was so jealous of those that had that ‘one more day’. I hated and resented them for getting the one thing I couldn’t have.  That was my anger. I was pissed this was now my life. And even more, I was pissed that I had to look at myself in the mirror, reminding myself of all I did or didn’t do. I hated myself for the responsibility I felt. But, who else was I going to blame? I had all I could do to just function and attempt to half ask cope, the hell if I could handle taking responsibility for my own actions, therefore I would reside in this god forsaken hell hole of my own pain and suffering. 

It didn’t come through as direct ‘anger’ in the form one would think. I wasn’t throwing shit or screaming and yelling – I just turned cold and bitter and more continuously resentful. My sarcasm in general increased, I internalized more, kept making myself stay buried in the hell that I honestly didn’t think I was going to come out of, or perhaps secretly didn’t want to. As years and other circumstances in my life unfolded, anger became my closest friend. I began to let others dictate and influence me in ways that only drove me deeper. I learned to cope with more self destructive habits, always wanting the temporary escape. It’s funny what a demon anger is, what it controls, how it’s expressed and even more fascinating – is how it’s justified. How we force ourselves to succumb to the depths of it.

Now bargaining – that one I had mastered within a day! I would’ve signed any contract with the devil and there were many lives aside from hers I was willing to exchange! There was next to nothing I wouldn’t give to just at least just be able to apologize. But then again, that’s what everyone says in a time like this, right? Aren’t we all great bargainers? It doesn’t even take something tragic to start signing away our souls. I mean shit, I was making deals with the devil for a pair of Girbaud jeans for Christmas by the age of 10!  Sacrifice my dog for a CD player? Pfff, if that’s all it takes to say I own one – consider it did! Ha 

Why is it that when shit starts hitting the fan is when we decide to hit our knees? Then the real begging, pleading and bargaining begins, and the stakes are high! Ever wonder why we wait until things have hit that point to start looking up? Why do we need these life altering circumstances to force us back into reality? To force us into the here and now, to reevaluate what and who is most important. Only then do we understand another’s pain and truly empathize with their story. Only then do we recall the damage we’ve done onto others and then swear that you’ll never inflict pain on another soul again. Just like we swear off drinking after waking up with a bad hangover. 😉 It’s these times that make us take a look around at what we’ve had sitting right in front of us the entire time? But then again, if we couldn’t be grateful when we had it, what makes us think we deserve to keep it?

Continue reading 4th stage, 4th letter – D.

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