Heaviest of Baggage

/ Revolution.07 / 2 Comments

They say there are 7 stages of grief, and I’ve lived this grief in more then just the loss of Josie – it just arose differently each time.

The entry ‘The Fog’ was my state of shock and denial – and one that still, on occasion, arises. Bringing with it questions such as – did that all really happen – is this really my life? So whether it be a break up, a divorce, an argument, a friendship, or in this case, a death – the guilt that follows can be intense when it does surface. It’s something that can eat a person alive while replaying each detail. When you’re standing there wondering ‘how did I get here?’ At what point did I go wrong – I must’ve missed the signs that were pointing to this moment – how could I have been so blind?!

For me, guilt has by far the heaviest of burdens to carry. It was something that sunk in, settled nice and deep and didn’t think of moving. It was a dark force that not only made me replay every last word, minute and scenario leading up to that phone call, but it imposed itself in every area of my life from there on out. The non-stop thought process of ‘I’m so sorry Josie, I’m just so sorry, will you ever forgive me? I should’ve known, I should’ve taken the time, I should’ve gone to the places you asked me to go instead of worrying about what it would cost, I should’ve asked more questions – real questions, not just the surface ones. I should’ve allowed you to speak, given her the opportunity to really open up without going into what was happening in my world. I should’ve claimed her more when we were younger instead of pawning her off. I should’ve let her sit on the bus with me, or sleep with me when she was scared. I should’ve listened to my mom – all the times she’d say ‘that’s all you have is  each other, be good to one another.’ I should’ve chosen you over him, instead of worrying about what fight would stem from it. I should’ve traveled with you instead of worrying about getting ahead on payments and making sure my credit score was tip top. I should’ve actually said what I was thinking when we were out smoking the night before ‘Jos, you seem so good, and you’ve lost weight!’ I shouldn’t have let it go when you hesitated after I brought up designing the wedding invites. I should’ve stayed up longer that night instead of being so concerned with getting to bed because I had just started a new job. I should’ve listened to my gut and gotten back up when I heard you shut down the computer and remember vividly hearing your footsteps walk across the floor, for what would be the last time. I should’ve acted, or perhaps reacted, when I had a fleeting thought while laying there listening to you put on your shoes, ‘I wonder what’s going on, something seems off’. I normally never thought that stuff, because alot of times, that was the norm, her moods were up and down and she would get irritated with me, like siblings do, and I’d brush it off and tell her to relax. My go-to response was telling  her to get over it and not to be so sensitive. But that night, I remember feeling like something was off as I laid there. 

I should’ve hugged and kissed her and said I love you, instead of worrying about pride or what that would look like. We were raised in a family of huggers, you didn’t get to walk in the door without being bombarded by hugs and kisses from everyone – no matter what the age. My mom’s side used to remind me of a big Italian family – kisses, hugs, everyone’s talking at once, loud laughter, wine, food – the whole works. (only thing missing was the minor detail that none of us were actually Italian ha!) We grew up with affection and yet we rarely were towards each other. Maybe I thought I was too ‘cool and tough’ for it.

Instead, I waited until she was in the casket, only then did I try and squeeze in every last kiss, apology and ‘I love you’ that I could before they forced us to close it. From then on out – I was constantly begging for forgiveness. We all were. Always asking her and God to forgive us for what we did or didn’t do correctly, forgive us for making you feel like that was your only way out. Forgive us for not saving you. Forgive us for not making you feel…whatever it was you felt you were lacking! Forgive us for every word never spoken and all the ones that shouldn’t have been. ‘Forgive us our sins’…for we felt there were plenty.

The fear that set in with the guilt was uncontrollable. Every decision from there on out became based on the thought of ‘I don’t want to live with this guilt if something were to happen.’ That was my life for years to follow – living in a constant  fear of guilt. Fear I’d do something to mess another thing up, fear I’d lose someone else and have to live with even more damage that I created. Whether I actually wanted to do something or not, came with the constant reminder of ‘what if you lost them too.’ It became this internal battle with myself, that eventually just flowed into a new found reality and habit of forcing myself to remember how bad the pain can be if I weren’t to do ‘the thing’, whatever that was. 

At that point, although I didn’t realize it at the time – I started a cycle of constantly living in the past, surrounded by depression. I made sure I never forgot all the fuck ups I made with her. And, let’s not forget the regret I forced myself to carry, while also making sure fear had the front seat to remind me I had no room to fuck up again. And just like that – I found myself hauling that ‘old fat guy’ up the hill -more like the mountain – that I had built, to make sure I suffered for all the wrongs I could no longer make right…

Continue reading Demons Within

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Gutted

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Let yourself... quote cheryl strayed

That’s what I felt like after writing the last post – gutted. And it’s really only the beginning of the story…the details. Isn’t it funny how things in your head play out so differently then they do when they’re in front of you? I’m realizing I didn’t take into consideration that I need to have a starting point. I realized I was going to have to go back to uncharted waters prior to 2007. What life was like then – the ‘pre-Josie’ era. That one word, “gutted”, summed it up perfectly, as it’s exactly how I felt.

I don’t know how many more times I can be told, ‘everything is always in perfect timing. Every time you want to move forward with your life, every time you want to shed a layer, be ready for what will follow. Be ready for the hurricane of emotions, thoughts and feelings to arise. The ones that you probably didn’t know you had. Be ready for the rawness of every cell in your body to be stripped. Be ready for things to surface that you didn’t know you needed to address. And once it does, and you allow it to enter you and feel it through, KEEP GOING. Keep peeling away the layers, ripping off the bandages, but know that there will be 10 more to follow. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Allow yourself to take off the armor, put down the shield and just open yourself up to the things you’ve forced yourself to bury and hide from. Because for as much as you want to help others, you’re being forced to help yourself more. As many times as I need that reminder, it’s still hard to comprehend when the going gets tough.

When I think back to all the coulda, shoulda, wouldas – I think to myself – ‘self’ (ha) imagine if everyone had this opportunity? Imagine if everyone started doing and saying and better expressing their raw, and true emotions? What if people were more accepting and respectful of those that did? I don’t mean out of anger, sarcasm, hate or pain – but just out love and letting it all go? A true, heart to heart and face to face conversation of where their story began, starting with the details of their childhood. Whether it be with another person, a mirror, or a journal? What a lighter load it’d be to carry if we all had the opportunity to release the pent up things we’ve held for so long, even if they are painful to say out loud? And even if the other person wasn’t accepting of it, what if we could just feel better for releasing it?

When I think back to Josie – I think of all of the things she internalized – for all the times we’ve said ‘if we had been more _____’ Well, maybe we still can be – maybe that’s where we need to start – just by putting down the armor and shield in constant defense of what might come next. Who might piss us off or offend us, who might hurt us, who might annoy us, or be a nuisance next. Or, who we may upset on some level, the fear of never wanting to rock the boat, but knowing deep down in our soul it’s apart of you. For all of the feedback I’ve gotten thus far – I invite you all to keep that in mind…as I continue to peel back the layers of my story – I invite you to do the same in yours. Think about how you can relate, or why you relate, or perhaps you can simply relate a little easier to someone else. It is the beginning of any healing revolution – allowing yourself to be gutted – instead of being worried about what the person next to you may say, or your spouse may think of you – maybe facing your own story from the beginning is the start of something painful – but also something so liberating! 

Continue reading Heaviest of Baggage

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A Lifetime Ago…or so it seems

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It seems like a lifetime ago, to go back and think of what my life was before – when she was still here. To recall daily life within our household. When it came to Josie and I – our personalities were as comparable to black and white as they come. I was the mischievous one, who had to buck the system at every cost. My mentality was, tell me I can’t and I’ll show you I will! And there were always consequences to follow my actions, but I was willing to pay them. I’d forfeit a couple weeks of grounding to throw that killer party. Sleep in my car in December after getting locked out for breaking curfew just to say I attended that party? Suuure, why not! 

I was far more interested in where the next party was going to take place, where we were going to smoke on lunch hour and chatting it up with friends then I was about school. Aside from English and Psych classes – count me out. Working didn’t bother me, because hell, at least I could talk and socialize without deadlines and a different teacher every hour, reminding me that I failed to complete another assignment. Life was a blast for me – I was all about friends, excitement and just plain FUN!

Josie on the other hand, struggled on the daily with things such as this that came so easily for me. By the age of 11 she was diagnosed with clinical depression, which was the start of many years of ongoing counseling and medication. She worked hard at school, was pretty quiet and kept to herself. She always had a hard time making friends, and the ones she did make, she clung to. She was as witty as they came, she always had great one liners, and a laugh that was truly contagious – but not many seen that side. She slept alot of her days away, she was always indecisive, and rarely confident in the decisions she did make. She was always reaching for temporary forms of satisfaction (which I think is fair to say we’re all plenty of guilty of). She thought a certain pair of shoes, an outfit, a concert, the next job, a certain school, or a trip away was the answer. But most of those were the thrill of the chase for her, she loved the idea behind it all, but once she had it, it wasn’t as grand as she had pictured in her head. It was as if everything was a disappointment. She’d make plans and be so excited, just to bail at the last minute. She couldn’t understand why she couldn’t be like everyone around her – just be free! She was most attracted to people that were, to those that were confident, spoke their mind, knew what they wanted (or thought they did), those that could make fun out of nothing, those that made her laugh, that tried to push her outside her comfort zone, and those that included her. She was drawn to it because she craved it. She just didn’t know how to achieve it. I was one of those people, I made things look so easy – and they were easy for the most part, but I later realized, they weren’t that important either. Smiling and laughing wasn’t an everyday luxury for her. She worried about everyone and everything, like me and the kickbacks of my next soon to be ‘brilliant’ decision! She struggled with her weight, she struggled with fitting in, she struggled expressing herself in any form, she struggled with internalizing everything – she…..just plain struggled. Alot.

This was life behind closed doors – not life on Facebook, not life at work or school, not life in public – this was the behind the scenes. This was behind the sweet smile and demeanor that everyone complimented her for. And it’s not that she wasn’t – it’s just that there was far more there that ran far deeper then any of us really knew. Perhaps even more then she knew. As much as I couldn’t understand why she couldn’t just be happy – she didn’t understand how I could be. It wasn’t until after she left that I got a rude awakening of what her life consisted of. But at least I knew why I was depressed, she didn’t. To be so lost in life, on a deeper level and to never know why – what a lonely feeling, especially at such a young age.

I began to know that feeling – it was a scary one – it was a valley of its own and another one I could relate too…another regret I had to live with. I could relate – but only after the fact, and that’s what I hated – that I finally got it all after it was too late. Beyond the chance of getting to intervene, the chance of saving her,  the chance of alot of things. It’s not until you’re forced to walk in their shoes do you ever fully understand the capacity of the pain, the weight, the heaviness. You can’t comprehend the reasons behind their choices or actions. In today’s world it’s SO easy to look at everyone around us and say how we’d do it differently. To accuse, blame and hate.  Living in a society that points fingers in every direction, never stopping to look at our own choices. I can’t help but think in a world so judging and harsh – in a society where insanely abnormal has become normal – would it have helped her to know that she really wasn’t as alone as she thought she was?

Continue reading Gutted

The Fog

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For anyone that has ever lost anyone, especially someone that you interacted with on a regular basis, you know what fog I’m talking about. This fog isn’t just for those have endured a significant loss though, this is for anyone, on any caliber that has endured a traumatic experience in their life. A divorce, a diagnosis of a disease, an accident – any type of life altering change that has happened – you’ll know what I’m referring too.

It’s a whirlwind of dense, almost blinding matter that restricts your vision from seeing outside of anything but that circumstance. It’s so numbing, deafening and blinding. And it sits in every cell of your body for a long time before you can even begin to start to feel an ounce of any other emotion that follows. It is a wound that on so many levels will never be healed, a deeply rooted scar that will make its presence known at any given time. It will stir up emotions you didn’t know you had and when you least expect them. In regards to a death – it begins with nothing but tears and ‘whys’ – followed by a lifetime of shoulda, coulda, wouldas…

There isn’t much I don’t remember about the overall demeanor and feel of not only ‘that’ day, but of the days, weeks and months to follow. The numbness, the complete inability to smile or laugh. I had  even forbidden myself to indulge in fun, especially dancing! Instead, my days were filled with an uncountable amount of tears, to the point I literally had salt crystals on my eyelashes. They were consumed with my head against the pillow whenever I could, because the back of my eyelids were the only thing I wanted to see. Just make it go away, please, please, PLEASE make it stop, when I wake up, it’ll all be better again. And then you wake up, day in and day out – to the same nightmare that you can’t escape from. To physically get up every day had become a chore I could barely manage – and when I did, well – that’s all you were getting from me. I was physically there, nothing more. I wanted to contemplate her decision, reread every letter, every journal entry, every text, interrogate every person she crossed paths with prior, in hopes of someone to blame. Because it didn’t make sense to me that it had gotten so bad, when she finally seemed so good! I mean sure – I knew she struggled with depression from the age of 11, but I had told her so many times ‘just be happy Jos, don’t worry about it, it’s going to be OK, lighten up! There’s no need to mope around, to not be able to laugh, quit being so serious, so grumpy, so sad!’ Man – the things we say to others so lightly – never taking the time to even want to attempt to step foot in their shoes. But isn’t that the way life’s supposed to be?! You just loosen up and have fun, right…..riiight??

I mean, we would’ve saved her, we could’ve made it better, we should’ve made it better. Why didn’t we make it better, why didn’t we see it, why didn’t we spend more time with her, be more attentive, look her in the eye? It took her being in the casket to give her more kisses then I even thought about giving her the 19 years she was here – see, if you would’ve done more, this wouldn’t have happened, you were selfish, caught up in your own superficial bullshit. Welcome to the very shortened version of years worth of this thought process. But, that’s probably an entry all on its own, most likely to be labeled ‘the heavy burden of regret ‘.

That fog – that terrible cloud that literally rains over you – it haunted me everywhere I went. That fog that seemed impossible to come out of, that reminded me that while the rest of the world around me got to go on – mine didn’t – not like it used too anyways. My mind was so consumed by nothing but this, it’s all I could think about – and yet I couldn’t even think all at the same time! This was the start of my new life…the start of what felt like the valleys of hell itself…

Continue reading A Lifetime Ago…or so it seems

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In a Nutshell

/ Revolution.07 / 7 Comments

Revolution is a word that has come out of my mouth more in the past 2 years then ever before. I’m a believer in it. And although at the time I wasn’t sure what type of revolution was needed in this world – I began thinking of when my own personal revolution began. It was 2007. 2007 was a huge shifting point in my life – and it’s taken me years to realize that. 07 was the year I got engaged, quit my full time job (without a back-up plan), remodeled and moved into the house I grew up in and it was the year that ended with the loss of my sister. My only sister – Josie – at the age of 19 – from an unexpected suicide after a loosing battle with clinical depression.

That was a turning point in my life that brought me to the depths of the valleys I never knew existed. I felt things I wouldn’t wish upon anyone and I learned things I never want to repeat. But just as the night is always darkest just before the dawn – on the other side of every valley is a hilltop. After years of not only sitting in the valley, but years more of drowning in water 2 inches deep unable to stand up – I’ve finally started to see with a clearer vision of what the view from that hilltop looks like.

Revolution.07 was my own inner tornado of life experiences – more like blows – that seemed to kick me each time I attempted to pick myself up. Have you ever felt as if you were banging your head on a wall wanting to make it stop but you couldn’t? That was me. The image I get in my head is Austin Powers trying to escape, he keeps putting it into drive, then reverse, then drive – but isn’t making any progress;)
My revolution began in 07, driven by intense and overwhelming cloud of sadness and guilt that I was unable to pull myself out of. In 2009 I took another hard blow of a very messy separation– from that point on I was anger driven. Overwhelmed by hatred and anger, I continued to spin out of control trying to find a new way to move forward, but too blind or consumed by past life experiences to know how.

The only consistent thing from 2007 to present has been my writing. This has been my safe haven and one of the few healthy coping mechanisms I used from the beginning of this shit show. I’ve been told multiple times through the years to blog but never had the confidence or the know how to actually do it. And I really didn’t think I had anything substantial to offer people on a regular basis through my writing.
There are still a lot of things about this endeavor I’m unsure of, such as what the format will look like or the topics will be – but I’m hoping you’ll stick with me and help guide me! And I hope I can help you – despite what your current situation may be – to see the light through the darkness, to know that healing is possible – from the depths of your soul. I hope you know there are people and resources out there to help get you there. To teach you that mind, body and soul are all connected and that peace within and without are possible. I know because I’ve finally been able see what the view from the top is starting to look like. And although I have plenty left ahead of me, I’m looking forward to this part of the journey. This is where my revolution has really begun – turns out it’s a healing revolution – and I hope it will help trigger yours as well. Welcome!

Continue reading the next entry “The Fog“

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Shout Out

/ Revolution.07 / 5 Comments

your vibe attracts your tribeSo I know it isn’t exactly ‘ideal’ to do your thank you speech as your first blog, being that you don’t have any followers yet – and shit, let’s be real – there’s a chance the only followers I will have are the ones I thank – or pay 😉 HA

But, I’ve always been one to go against the grain, and those that know me, know bassackwards is generally how I roll – so, thank you speech it is!

I want to say thank you to all of those who believed in me – on any caliber, but this particular shout out is for those who have gotten me to this blank page.

To Emily – who gave me my first journal after Josie passed as an outlet to grieve. You have no idea what I’ve learned from that and what a wonderful coping tool it’s been since.

To Brittany – who has always pushed me to get it on paper, despite how it looked “Just DO IT damn it!” You were always sending me reminder emails of inspirational quotes to keep me going while reminding me the details would unfold later, the important thing was to keep the pen in hand. You’ve been a spectator of my writings since.

To Liz – you have never criticized nor belittled any of my ideas or passions. You’ve listened with an open mind and heart and slowly fed the fire of desire that’s been brewing, even if you thought I’d lost my shit even worse then you originally imagined 😉 HA

To Rachael – who finally talked me into pursuing an alternative health approach, which opened a door I would’ve never imagined – one to a passion I didn’t know I had. What I have learned since has been priceless on more levels then I thought possible, and I’m hoping that’ll tie in with this blog as I go along.

To Shianne – for your no bullshit “you said blog – consider it done” attitude. You did the ground work to get me up and going on this site so I had no more excuses as to why I should probably wait even longer to start. In fear I’d have nothing to say once I got here. Welp – guess I’m here now aren’t I!? 🙂

To Vanessa – for being my bridge, connecting me from point A to point B. For clearing the fog and giving me clearer direction as to how to proceed. The appreciation I have for your work, your ‘flipping of the lens’ and your wonderful guided meditations are beyond words. (Don’t forget to check out her work by the way http://www.vanessafeils.com )

To a family base so rooted and strong, especially my parents. Although you may not understand alot of it, my reason for it or behind it – you trust and support it and me. And at the end of the day, that’s all I can really ask for. We’ve been forced to survive alot together – when many other families would’ve unraveled, you forced us to stand together stronger and taller. Thank you for providing opportunities that have allowed me to open doors such as this.

To my beautiful daughter. You will never know what a saving grace you have been to me through the years. We have made one hell of a team, and as much of a struggle as it’s been, (and I have a feeling the best of the struggling years are yet to come 😉 I know we’ll be OK in the end – I know we’ll make it through together. I can only hope you are able to see yourself as I see you – beautiful from the inside and out – and I hope you are able to continue to portray that to the people and world around you as you begin to endure your own life battles.

And last but certainly not least – Josie. Although the pain that has stemmed from you choosing to leave has been the most heart wrenching and one I hope to never endure again – thank you. Thank you for your help on the other side of this physical realm. The trials that you’ve helped me through, the signs you’ve given along the way to remind me of your presence. The doors you’ve opened for me and the people you’ve put in my path to help guide me, test me and bless me. I have never doubted you standing by my side since day 1. You were a realization and start of a faith I didn’t know I had. One that rested outside of an institution, a person given a sermon or a memorized prayer. One that has grown significantly stronger since.

And to every single soul that has crossed my path in between. The good as well as the bad. For all of those that have hurt me, you have shown me where my true strength lies. That have pushed me to see the bigger picture, that have torn me down just so I had to build myself back up. It’s taken awhile – but it’s good to be back! There are far more then just these that deserve a shout out, for reasons I can only begin to touch on – and hopefully through the blogs, I’ll be able to elaborate! I guess you’ll have to stick around to see 😉