inspiration

Blind Faith

/ Revolution.07 / 5 Comments

blogfaithsunset

The first bible verse I memorized was Matthew 5:8 – “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.” The only reason I know it is because it was on my letter from Josie. I was born and raised Catholic. Not strict Catholic, but we attended mass on a regular basis, I completed my sacraments through Confirmation and we prayed before meals and bedtime.  These were all things I knew and learned, but nothing I was ever able to really connect with. They were motions that I went through, because that was the ‘right’ thing to do, but I never had a true desire or connection to it. Although on occasion, I do enjoy a good sermon, and I’ll be honest when I say I can’t imagine having a funeral outside of a church, I certainly didn’t feel ‘cleansed or glorified’ per se after leaving mass and a part of me hated that I didn’t “get it”. I was secretly jealous that my grandma, mom and sister did. What was wrong with me? After I had my daughter, I found myself repeating the same cycles, feeling as though she might be damned if she wasn’t baptized or enrolled in religion classes. Finding it necessary that we make as many masses as possible and that she grow up knowing how to ‘properly’ act in the church. I remember gloating about being Catholic when I was younger, honestly, I think for no other reason then feeling as if I were superior to others because of it. Because it is the largest religion, the highest money making religious institution and Lord knows we must have the most morals! Right?!

Both of my parents came from strong faith based families, whether Lutheran or Catholic, they were both raised with the importance of having it in their lives. They didn’t sit in the front row for show and I don’t remember talk of one religion downing another or thinking another to be superior -I just remember it being a base to their households and something that was carried into ours. From my perspective, on my mom’s side, it wasn’t about the religion as much as it was the faith. The connection between them and God, and yes, the importance of the institution to practice that. It was something that was built from having nothing else to stand on, from enduring times when the weight of the world seemed to collapse on their shoulders. From my grandparents watching their 3 year old son go through the Ramsey Burn Unit due to 80% of his body being burned, to losing their home and livelihood, a house fire, struggles with addiction, 2 bouts of breast cancer and a many other shenanigans in between! To my parents having me at the age of 16, enduring a strenuous marriage, from being broke throughout their 20s and having to build financial security from the ground up,  to losing their daughter, depression to dealing with Melanoma – I think it’s fair to say between them, they’ve been through some shit! And never wavering – I got the same answer every time – “our faith is what got us through, without it, we wouldn’t have made it.” And no matter how many times I heard that – I would still think – but HOW?!

Looking back, the real game changer for me in regards to the church setting, was after she died. I don’t know if it was as much of a hatred towards God or the church, but more of an absent feeling and even more so, was replaying the funeral everytime I entered the building. Every time I walked down that aisle for communion I had all I could do not to lose it. The only thing I saw was a packed church while we followed the casket down. While I lost interest in the church, I was immediately compelled towards a different form of faith – one that I’ve been drawn too ever since. 

I began reading so many books in regards to life after death and what happens to the soul once it leaves this ‘shell’. She died in my parents home, the kitchen to be exact. For many people, losing someone in the home is ‘creepy’, but for us it was a comfort, feeling as if she were still present and there with us. I began relying on that comfort, constantly talking to her and asking for guidance and support, while trying to be aware of the signs she put in front of me. And she more then delivered them! From my ex being freaked out because he overheard our daughter saying “good night Josie” at the age of 3, to her walking into my parents house and saying “hi Josie!” while looking over my mom’s shoulder, and then “I’m swinging up to heaven with Josie”. While reading her a book and watching the door start swaying just to have my ex run around trying to figure out if there was a window open while I sat and smiled and said “thanks Jos.” These were comforting, not creepy. they were and still are vital to us, that wave of relief hearing her name or the song Santa Monica. This was the start of this faith, which had less to do with Sunday morning sermons and memorized prayers and more to do with me and a direct relationship with God. Learning that although they’ve left the physical plane, it doesn’t mean they still don’t play vital roles in our evolution. 

I’ve realized I don’t have to sit in an institution every week to feel as though I’m being judged, shunned or approved of by others as to whether I’ll see the Pearly Gates when my “time comes”. That God is in every single living thing that surrounds us, and maybe if we paid more attention to the sunrises and sunsets, the green grass, snow covered trees or sitting and playing a game or coloring with my daughter, we’d see more of him. Maybe instead of bitching about how we’re entitled because we have jobs, while others are trash because they don’t, instead of judging on account of race or the home in which they live, instead of debating over politics and religion and which one is better and why – maybe we’d be putting more ‘God’ in our lives in a more useful way – each day, and not just for an hour a week. Maybe if we did more “I’m grateful for…” and less blaming the next guy, maybe if we paid less attention to social media and more to the ones in front of us, or read more Upworthy articles instead of listening to CNN, maybe if we smiled or complimented strangers more instead of instantly pointing out their outfit or weight gain or loss – then maybe we’d be a little more in alignment with that sermon? Am I saying I’m perfect in all these areas – ummm, NO – I’m still a work in progress too! 

But I feel like I’ve found a faith that is more concrete then I’ve ever had before, based on beliefs such as these. To realize we’re all souls just having a physical experience, this is just our ‘shell’ for awhile, but in the grand scheme of things we/they are still here to help guide us. That we’re meant to keep moving forward, always bettering ourselves and seeing things in a larger light.

I’m starting to see that we’re all bits and pieces of this Universe and each other and I don’t need a priest to absolve my sins, nor to bless me. I remember my cousin telling me after seeing the Dalai Lama, that people in the audience asked him to bless them and he said no, they didn’t need him, nor anyone else to do that for them. We’re all equal, we’re all of something bigger and higher, we don’t need someone at the pulpit to make us ‘right’, ‘better’ or ‘saved’ – we’re here to save ourselves – do we need God to do it? Yes. But since Josie has left, I’ve found a faith I didn’t know I had – one stronger then I could’ve imagined, and although this faith may seem unorthodox to many, it’s one that I’m finally able to connect and be comfortable with.

Continue reading The Aftermath

*If this resonates with you, please share on social media to help others in their journey!**

Detour with V

/ Revolution.07 / 1 Comment
Blog - wake up V entryFor all of you who are feeling stuck, shit outta luck, sick and tired of being sick of tired, unsure of why you’re at a stand still in life, in a war with yourself in your head, staring at the other side of the road but completely unsure as to how to get over there – I encourage you to read further.
I’ve been at a stand still with the blog – 11 entries started, none completed! ha For any that follow or have asked how I’ve learned to heal or move forward, although I will be talking about more in detail about that as the entries move forward, I’d like to share this part with you.

My name is Amanda. I will describe myself as pre-Vanessa, and post-Vanessa.

Prior to starting this more intense part of my journey on my ‘path to purpose’, I would have best described myself as a single mother, who endured a very intense amount of hurt in a short amount of time about 8 years ago. Although I never doubted the fact that I was meant to do more in this life, I was stuck in a dark place of mental, physical and emotional pain.  I held an insane amount of anger and sadness within me – more than I ever realized.

I became ‘stuck’ in this repetitive pattern of self-hatred and self-destructive behavior, relying on outside crutches to temporarily ‘fix’ me. I was always standing at point A staring at a foggy version of point C, but was never able to bridge them together. I just continued in what seemed like a never-ending game of cat and mouse.

That’s when I met Vanessa – she was my bridge, she was the start of a clearer vision to a brighter future.

Less then a year after having the pleasure of crossing paths with Vanessa and completing the Wake Up Package – I would say I have more than ‘woken up’ in so many more aspects of my life, more than I could’ve realized! As a person, my world and I have changed from the inside out.

Have you ever wondered how you can be so sure of something and yet never know why?

Have you ever noticed how the dots in life can be perfectly connected when you look backwards?

That was me with Vanessa–I had no idea who she was, but from a very generic, brief description from a friend of a friend, I somehow knew that she would be able to help me. Without thinking twice, I connected with her and the rest is history. Words cannot explain but I would call it something beyond a ‘soul connection’.

I was at a career crossroads, debating on changing careers. Debating on incurring more school debt and reducing the status of my full time job to do so. For whatever reason, I knew she was the intervention and guide I needed right then and there while I was on the brink of making this decision. However, I had no idea of the extent that she would be able to help in every area of my life, not just my career. I was oblivious to the depth in which I needed the help and the how very badly fogged my lens on life was!

THE NAME ‘THE WAKE UP PACKAGE’ COULDN’T HAVE A BETTER TITLE–BECAUSE THERE’S NO DENYING THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT IT DID, AND WILL DO FOR YOU AS WELL!

I began to realize the perception I lived in, the chains that bound me to problems I thought I could never move beyond. Somehow those constant stop and yield signs began to dissipate once and for all. The cruise control was off, and I was finally awake while driving, enjoying the scenery as I passed by.

Now, I would be lying if I said this process was pain free or there was a direct flight! There were times when it was a very painful process; times when I was forced to rip the bandage off, forced to realize that in one hand, I held both the bullet to the gun and the keys to the shackles of my own life all at once. But the liberation that comes with it, I can’t quite explain. The weight that was lifted from me after completing this process. It’s something that I have never felt before. The best part is, after you complete the package, you’re ‘done’ per se, but on so many levels, you’ve only just begun.

You want to keep learning in the school of life and Vanessa is ALWAYS there as a constant resource for those ‘pick me up’ sessions to get you through as you need it. She’s not just a life stylist, she’s a phenomenal traffic director, because as she’s trying to help you clear those ‘road closed’ signs, she’s a resource to so many other healing modalities and people.

The amount of connections that I made just through her in a short amount of time was unreal! I honestly can’t thank her enough, for not only helping me to finally free myself, but to help my family as well. To help us to see what the ‘flipping of a lens’ can do. The services that Vanessa offers are truly priceless: these are things that you won’t learn from a textbook, from a therapist or on the job training–and the best part is–they can be used in EVERY aspect of your life for the REST of your life.

Thank you for showing me what liberation from myself feels like.  It feels so good to finally be able to stand on the other side of the road and see how far I’ve come in a short amount time! Originally that was a road I couldn’t even see across. Thank You for the life-long connections and lessons you’ve taught me along the way. To know you are only a phone call, Skype session or a short drive away from wherever in the world I happen to be is such a comforting feeling.

THANK YOU VANESSA FOR HELPING ME CATCH MY BREATH, FOR REDIRECTING ME ONTO A PATH THAT’S BETTER THAN I COULD HAVE IMAGINED–AND TO KNOW IT’S ONLY JUST BEGUN!  

Amanda Ellinghuysen

This is the testimonial I wrote for Vanessa and feel she deserves an entry of her own 🙂 And hey, it’s tax season people! Money to burn, money to burn! And this year – put it towards something that’ll get you farther then the same old mundane shit – live a little – live for yourself, be OK with taking a step in a new and right direction and quit allowing fear and excuses to keep you stuck. Unravel yourself – I PROMISE – you won’t be sorry! 🙂

http://www.vanessafeils.com  http://www.vanessafeils.com/client-love/

Apples to oranges

/ Revolution.07 / 1 Comment

blog apples2oranges pic

APPLE TO ORANGES

“Whatever happens to you, belongs to you. Make it yours. Feed it to yourself, even if it feels impossible to swallow. Let it nurture you, because it will. “ – Cheryl Strayed

There were many years I truly believed it was impossible to take any more blows. I was sure that there was no humanly way possible to survive them if I was forced to take another hit. I thought I was the only one that endured that kind of tragedy and pain to the extent I did and within the short amount of time that I did. In the same breath I’d find myself looking around and thinking ‘don’t complain, it can always be worse, you have so much to be grateful for.’ But I was wrong – about most of it.

Maybe by constantly feeling as if I had to bury it, that I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to complain, vent or cry about it – I was only making it worse. Maybe feeling like my circumstances were less then so many others or that I didn’t have the right to feel and think the way I did, only prolonged my healing further. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I had alot of safe havens and wonderfully supportive people in my life (God only knows they listened to me like a broken record of the Titanic song replaying over and oveeeeer!!  Even though I had those outlets I was still always thinking I didn’t have the right to feel bad, sad or mad about certain parts of it. And more importantly I think the focus of those venting sessions were being placed on things and people that, at the time I thought were the issues. Primarily because I couldn’t say what I was actually thinking, or perhaps I just didn’t allow myself to go there mentally. It was as if the only emotion tied to her was sadness and the only one tied to him was anger. I couldn’t be mad at her or sad over him because it wasn’t her fault she felt that way and I couldn’t cry about someone who I was supposed to be happy I was rid of. It’s as if it’s ingrained in us to always remember ‘it could be worse’ or ‘at least you aren’t them!’ So, while I had outlets, I was always playing this game with myself that I needed to quit, needed to get over it, needed to stop thinking or feeling certain things as they arose. So, instead I’d go back to my default emotion and cry or rage depending on which one it pertain too 

There’s this constant comparison in our world that we always need to shut up and just be thankful. While gratitude is important, burning our stories and emotions surrounding them, only further suppresses what is already there. We have every right to endure them in whatever manner we need too in order to work through them. It’s as if we can better justify what’s going on in our life at the time by doing things such as self talk like ‘get over it’ or ‘just be grateful’. Maybe that’s why we endure those relationships for far longer then we ever should’ve allowed, wallow in guilt or pity towards others, staying bound to their ways, or stay in our own hellhole of a prison, induced by depression and self hate for years beyond what was needed. Maybe by just owning it and feeling every terrible aspect of it, we’d be able to move through it faster.

Now, 8 years after her death and 7 post separation, I’ve had to relive every dirty and sickening detail of both. And each time they’ve resurfaced, they’ve come back at a greater intensity because of it. So, maybe you should scream into your pillow when you need too, cry in the middle of the store because you thought for a split second you seen a glimpse of them, laugh because that song that just came on triggered a memory. Maybe there isn’t an answer for everything, maybe we need to feel it for what it is because it’s our story. Maybe the constant comparison is doing nothing but driving us all deeper into a state of hell and oblivion. Maybe instead of thinking we’re entitled to all the material things around us, we should realize we’re entitled to our emotions surrounding our circumstances. Maybe then there’d be less holes in the walls or terrible things said and done, maybe there’d be less depressive states, less cheating, less hate and anger. Maybe if we’d just allow ourselves to act or react at the time that the actual emotion occurs instead of telling ourselves how ridiculous we’ll look crying for no reason, or screaming in our car at a red light is taboo, the only ones we’re hurting is ourselves.

Healing comes from within, and it comes from no one but ourselves. Maybe when we just being a little truer to our emotions as they arise, truer to our journey and hardships as they cross our paths, maybe we can move forward – for real. It’s OK if you feel like your world is falling apart on account of a break-up, or that you won’t survive if you loose your parent to a disease, or that you can’t possibly face another soul in public after an embarrassing charade at the local saloon or that you’ll be a let down if you lose your job. It’s OK because I know what all of them feel like.

 When you look at the grand scheme of things – it’s terrible right then and there, but then again, it was terrible in 9th grade when the opposite sex turned you down. It was terrible when you rolled your car in your driveway (oh wait, maybe I’m the only one that’s ever done that ahahahaaa) It was terrible to get the rejection letter to your college of choice or first pick job. many have been terrible in your life, and at the time, they needed to be and were warranted for their own reasons, but you survived them too. Maybe the trick to surviving has more to do with being OK that things are shit right then, and less to do with comparing our story to the next persons. Maybe while saying our ‘gratefuls’ we can also curse and cry about the things that aren’t so great. Either way, it’s worth a try to allow yourself to feel every corner of grief, of loss, of the unknown, of being scared shitless, of anger, rage hate, fear, sadness and love all at once! (Yep, there are days it happens just like that – one big ball of ‘holy shit – I’m laughing through my tears while punching my pillow! As different and unique as all of our stories are in so many ways, maybe our reactions behind them aren’t as crazy as they may seem, or not to the extent that we feed ourselves anyways.

Continue reading Blind Faith

*If this resonates with you, please share on social media to help others in their journey!**

Rear view mirror

/ Revolution.07 / 1 Comment

rearviewmirror

That rear view mirror, I’m realizing – is where I’ve spent a majority of my life. Always staring back at another door closed. Whether it was slammed shut, nicely closed, left half open for torment (by no ones fault but my own) or I was forced through it…that mirror is where I’ve spent the last few years of my life. Trying to figure how to edit the picture because I’ve hated so many details of it.

I’d become resentful of the good just as much as the bad. The good was a reminder of where I wasn’t anymore. And a constant threat that I may never achieve “it” again. I hated how intense the bad parts were, and the overflow effects of them. Every part of my life suffered in some degree from the lack of control over the deeply ingrained sadness and anger. Every picture triggered a memory. A memory of when Josie was still here, what my weight was, what my dreams and aspirations at that time consisted of, a reminder of what I had lost. After my daughter was born was one of the few times I remember feeling fully content in every aspect of my life. But as different aspects of my life began to unravel that faded as well.

To look back at that blurred picture of my past there were 2 massive gashes that split my world in 2. The first driven by sadness and guilt, it’s as if they’re chapters labeled ‘pre-Josie and post-Josie’ and the second driven by anger and shame, or the ‘pre and post-divorce.’ It’s as if they were historic “Eras” in my life that set the stage for what was to come. From then on almost everything was replayed on a daily basis, constantly wondering where I went wrong in both places, both with her, and with him. Hating myself even more for not being able to help her and not being able to keep him. For never measuring up, for feeling lost, for being broken, for being everything I never thought it was possible to become, especially in such a short amount of time.

Stage 5 is Acceptance. 8 years later, I’m finding I’m still learning to ‘accept’ little aspects that perhaps I haven’t put to rest. Maybe acceptance is realizing that that mirror needs to be shattered. Because no matter how many times I go back and replay it, try to figure out exactly at which point I went wrong, was it how I said it or was it that I didn’t say it? Was it that I didn’t love hard enough, or too much? Was it the tone in which I said it or the manner in which I did it that sent off the wrong message? Or, was it that I did all of them, I just did the wrong ones with the wrong person? Maybe it was that I should’ve loved her more and him less, I should’ve said more to her instead of giving into the argument with him. 

You know what I’m learning to say to that – it’s all fucking bullshiiiiiiiiiiiit!! Every word of it. The truth is, it doesn’t matter what I did or didn’t do, how I said it, or if I said it, how I looked, how I felt, what I thought – the point is – this is where I am now. There is no such thing as a ‘filter’, a ‘crop’ or an ‘edit’ button on life and there’s certainly no such thing as rewind! I’m sick of beating myself up for it, I’m sick of reliving it, I’m sick of wanting it to look and be different, I’m sick of the emotions that arise when I do relive it, I’m sick of the energy and time I put into things that will never make the outcome any different then what they are.

There are many days that I hate that this is my life and my story, because I feel like it could’ve and should’ve been different. But, what if, we could hit the rewind button and we did it according to the ‘textbook’ way and it still ended? Maybe with a different ending, but the same result nonetheless? What if she had been killed in a car accident instead of overdosing? What if he was honest and asked for a separation instead of lying and cheating? What if I would’ve just listened to my gut every time? Would it have made it a little less painful in some ways? Perhaps. But would it have changed the end result? Less then likely. Because sometimes it shakes out a certain way because it has too, because maybe that’s the only way that we’ll wake up and see things in a different light. Or, maybe that’s the only way we’ll finally walk away for good and know that going back is no longer an option. Maybe I put up with it for so long and just kept signing myself up for one more round in the ring after the other until I finally had to have the door slammed in my face so I’d get it…like for real! Maybe I wanted control of something I never had control of to begin with, maybe I wanted to fix something that wasn’t meant to be fixed, maybe I was being told and shown that I needed to be done trying to make something out of nothing. Maybe I have been far more lost and broken because of all of it. Maybe…hopefully…I’ll come out stronger and farther ahead because of it.

Whatever the case may be, however it plays it, peace out to the rear view mirror. Adios to the replays. And a good square kick in the ass to the self hate, blame and shame I’ve allowed myself to feel and endure since those ‘gashes’. What’s done is done, if I don’t want to relive it then I need to make sure I heal from it and move forward, leaving the shattered pieces where they may have fallen. I can’t keep trying to put things together that were meant to stay broken, I can’t keep trying to fix people and things that aren’t meant to be fixed, nor do I want to be. A majority of it will remain shattered and tainted, and that’s ok, it’s part of my story and what makes it mine. I don’t want it to own me, to hold me captive, or to be my only story. I want to be able to look ahead with appreciation and enthusiasm, I want the rest of the story to consist of more then that shitty, smeared and broken, ugly and torn past. And the only one that’s sitting in the drivers seat is me. I’ve spent the better part of 8 years with the loaded gun in one hand and the keys in the other. Am I going to pull the trigger over and over or am I going to break the chains that bind me and set myself free?

Continue reading Apples to oranges

*If this resonates with you, please share on social media to help others in their journey!**

Gluttony and Starvation

/ Revolution.07 / 1 Comment

hillroad

Let’s just go back and unravel a few things that related to the last entry. Due to the response I got on it, it clearly hit home to many.

I named this gluttony and starvation because on so many levels that was my life – overindulging while starving myself simultaneously. Seems a bit insane, right? If I wasn’t drowning myself in booze and partying I was starving myself from food, if I was overeating I was withdrawing from my social life (damn scale and jeans that keep shrinking ;). It seemed there really wasn’t a time I wasn’t doing one and/or the other, and certainly no balance between the 2!

I’m willing to bet there are few that can’t apply this to their life as well . Whether it’s short or long term, we’ve all been in those shitty funks! It’s those plumets rock bottom that get devoured by the guilt and shame. The thoughts and feelings of being so abnormal because you can’t be the person you once were. Then the expectation related to those thoughts and feelings, both by yourself and others around you. On a totally unconscious level we bury them as deep as we can, whether it be booze, nose candy, smoking, sex, working out or food.  Then there’s the other end of the spectrum, starving and depriving ourselves, from food, healthy relationships, fun, from a job we might actually like or are passionate about. It wasn’t just physical either,  to say I was emotionally unbalanced was an understatement! But, then again, emotions are triggered by mental thoughts. If I wasn’t overly judgemental I was excessively sad or angry. If I wasn’t sad I was on a high that followed a terrible crash.

I always thought that I didn’t deserve it, that I was less then it, that until I could change my demeanor, weight, looks or attitude, I didn’t deserve all, or any goodness in my life. “It” is referring to whatever it was outside of me that I wanted.

I always justified how I didn’t deserve it or wasn’t good enough for ‘it’ or ‘them’. And, there were plenty of things outside of me that reiterated that as well. I mean has anyone looked at a magazine cover – and then tried to look in the mirror?! Pffff, kudos to all of you who can accept every single aspect of yourself! I mean, really – KUDOS! (Please tell me your secret!) Can you can love every piece of the extra 10 pounds you carry? The cellulite, the wrinkles, the stretch marks? Can you appreciate yourself inside out, good with the bad and your journey – without having a laundering list of things you had to sacrifice to get it? I couldn’t and it’s still a HUGE daily struggle for me!

I was always in competition when in it came to relationships too, whether it be with the bottle or other women, fearful of which would ‘win’ next. So after awhile I subconsciously began to like that game because it’s what I knew. So again, I starved myself from freedom, from relationships where I didn’t have to feel I needed to compete or fight or be controlled and over indulged in what I had become to know. I stayed on account of obligation, whether it be a social event we had coming up, or a trip or the way others guilted me into it, I always stayed far longer then I should’ve. And when a decent relationship actually did surface, I had no idea what to do with it! I didn’t know how to get along, how to not feel insecure, how not to be jealous or untrusting. It was a foreign language to me.

On a gut level, I always knew what was right. Always. There are few times I can’t recall exactly having those thoughts and feelings and talking myself right back into the vicious cycle! I’ve always had killer intuition, but not necessarily one that I’ve acted upon. Instead, I hated myself more! I hated myself for that slice of pizza, that piece of cake, one drink that followed the next. Then there’s the guilt that follows the choice that follows the result. The number on the scale because I ate it, the hangover because I drank it, the embarrasement because I said or did it, the guilt for not allowing the good to stay in my life. Just keep it coming! But hey, misery needs company too, right?!
And just like with all lies in life, I really started to believe all of it, down to the core.

So, for all of you that can relate to at least some aspect of this – you aren’t alone – not even a little bit. And I’m far from beyond it! I’m still learning how to work through it, how to remove myself from the places, people and things I don’t like about my life that I feel are adding to my already heavy baggage. And it isn’t all outside of me, alot of it is taking control of my own thoughts, acknowledging these things have been brewing and trying to peel away what seems like an unending amount of layers!

For all who contacted me on the last entry, thank you. It’s helpful to have feedback, and as happy as I was for it, I’m sorry so many can relate to these valleys. But, I guess talking and being open is the first step to awareness, and to healing. Funny how clearing the white elephant in the room makes that baggage seem alot lighter, eh?! 🙂

Continue reading Rear view mirror

*If this resonates with you please share on social media to help others in their journey!**

Demons Within

/ Revolution.07 / 1 Comment

anger quote 2

Anger – you dirty SOB. You are the root of so many things and rest in so many of us. You control, blame, hate and cause so much damage on a physical, mental and emotional level. This battle really is within ourselves. Stage 3 – bargaining and anger. I hate to admit it, but they became 2 very good friends of mine!

The funny thing about anger was, I didn’t realize  I hit that emotion until years later. There were very few times I remember being angry at her, and when it did arise, it was always short lived. I was far too consumed by guilt to be angry, after all, I felt as though it was largely my fault that she decided to  leave. The amazing thing about anger that I’ve noticed is, it’s rarely directed at the actual cause or source of where it’s been festering. Instead, it overflows into other aspects of our lives, and that was exactly the case here. For me, it primarily overflowed into my home life and job. It came through in various forms, but it was most blatantly directed at my fiancé at the time. Why you ask? Why not!? I mean, it was his fault I never did half of the things she wanted me too. It was his fault that I said ‘no’ to her every time she asked, it was his fault I felt too guilty to even ask if I could. It was his fault I ever thought I had to ask to begin with, or feared a fight would stem from it. It was his fault he didn’t understand it, at least not to the caliber we felt it anyways (according to me). It was his fault he had 3 siblings and I didn’t. Blame and anger are identical twins. Where you have 1, you’ll likely find the other. The finger that points outwards is never as powerful as the 3 pointing back at you!

I had just started my new job 2 weeks prior to her death, and I’d have to admit that a fair amount of anger was also taken out on the patients, in a non-obvious way. The only thing I could focus on for years after was how our Oncology patients at least got the opportunity to say goodbye. Every time I roomed someone or knew another person was going to hospice, that was my jealous thought towards them. As far as I was concerned, at least they had the chance to get their affairs in order, to say all of the things they wanted too, do the things they wanted, kiss and hug them before putting them in the ground – in fact – they had no idea how fortunate they were! A terrible comparison but it was the truth. It was my thought process, I was so jealous of those that had that ‘one more day’. I hated and resented them for getting the one thing I couldn’t have.  That was my anger. I was pissed this was now my life. And even more, I was pissed that I had to look at myself in the mirror, reminding myself of all I did or didn’t do. I hated myself for the responsibility I felt. But, who else was I going to blame? I had all I could do to just function and attempt to half ask cope, the hell if I could handle taking responsibility for my own actions, therefore I would reside in this god forsaken hell hole of my own pain and suffering. 

It didn’t come through as direct ‘anger’ in the form one would think. I wasn’t throwing shit or screaming and yelling – I just turned cold and bitter and more continuously resentful. My sarcasm in general increased, I internalized more, kept making myself stay buried in the hell that I honestly didn’t think I was going to come out of, or perhaps secretly didn’t want to. As years and other circumstances in my life unfolded, anger became my closest friend. I began to let others dictate and influence me in ways that only drove me deeper. I learned to cope with more self destructive habits, always wanting the temporary escape. It’s funny what a demon anger is, what it controls, how it’s expressed and even more fascinating – is how it’s justified. How we force ourselves to succumb to the depths of it.

Now bargaining – that one I had mastered within a day! I would’ve signed any contract with the devil and there were many lives aside from hers I was willing to exchange! There was next to nothing I wouldn’t give to just at least just be able to apologize. But then again, that’s what everyone says in a time like this, right? Aren’t we all great bargainers? It doesn’t even take something tragic to start signing away our souls. I mean shit, I was making deals with the devil for a pair of Girbaud jeans for Christmas by the age of 10!  Sacrifice my dog for a CD player? Pfff, if that’s all it takes to say I own one – consider it did! Ha 

Why is it that when shit starts hitting the fan is when we decide to hit our knees? Then the real begging, pleading and bargaining begins, and the stakes are high! Ever wonder why we wait until things have hit that point to start looking up? Why do we need these life altering circumstances to force us back into reality? To force us into the here and now, to reevaluate what and who is most important. Only then do we understand another’s pain and truly empathize with their story. Only then do we recall the damage we’ve done onto others and then swear that you’ll never inflict pain on another soul again. Just like we swear off drinking after waking up with a bad hangover. 😉 It’s these times that make us take a look around at what we’ve had sitting right in front of us the entire time? But then again, if we couldn’t be grateful when we had it, what makes us think we deserve to keep it?

Continue reading 4th stage, 4th letter – D.

**If this resonates with you, please share on social media to help others in their journey!**

Heaviest of Baggage

/ Revolution.07 / 2 Comments

They say there are 7 stages of grief, and I’ve lived this grief in more then just the loss of Josie – it just arose differently each time.

The entry ‘The Fog’ was my state of shock and denial – and one that still, on occasion, arises. Bringing with it questions such as – did that all really happen – is this really my life? So whether it be a break up, a divorce, an argument, a friendship, or in this case, a death – the guilt that follows can be intense when it does surface. It’s something that can eat a person alive while replaying each detail. When you’re standing there wondering ‘how did I get here?’ At what point did I go wrong – I must’ve missed the signs that were pointing to this moment – how could I have been so blind?!

For me, guilt has by far the heaviest of burdens to carry. It was something that sunk in, settled nice and deep and didn’t think of moving. It was a dark force that not only made me replay every last word, minute and scenario leading up to that phone call, but it imposed itself in every area of my life from there on out. The non-stop thought process of ‘I’m so sorry Josie, I’m just so sorry, will you ever forgive me? I should’ve known, I should’ve taken the time, I should’ve gone to the places you asked me to go instead of worrying about what it would cost, I should’ve asked more questions – real questions, not just the surface ones. I should’ve allowed you to speak, given her the opportunity to really open up without going into what was happening in my world. I should’ve claimed her more when we were younger instead of pawning her off. I should’ve let her sit on the bus with me, or sleep with me when she was scared. I should’ve listened to my mom – all the times she’d say ‘that’s all you have is  each other, be good to one another.’ I should’ve chosen you over him, instead of worrying about what fight would stem from it. I should’ve traveled with you instead of worrying about getting ahead on payments and making sure my credit score was tip top. I should’ve actually said what I was thinking when we were out smoking the night before ‘Jos, you seem so good, and you’ve lost weight!’ I shouldn’t have let it go when you hesitated after I brought up designing the wedding invites. I should’ve stayed up longer that night instead of being so concerned with getting to bed because I had just started a new job. I should’ve listened to my gut and gotten back up when I heard you shut down the computer and remember vividly hearing your footsteps walk across the floor, for what would be the last time. I should’ve acted, or perhaps reacted, when I had a fleeting thought while laying there listening to you put on your shoes, ‘I wonder what’s going on, something seems off’. I normally never thought that stuff, because alot of times, that was the norm, her moods were up and down and she would get irritated with me, like siblings do, and I’d brush it off and tell her to relax. My go-to response was telling  her to get over it and not to be so sensitive. But that night, I remember feeling like something was off as I laid there. 

I should’ve hugged and kissed her and said I love you, instead of worrying about pride or what that would look like. We were raised in a family of huggers, you didn’t get to walk in the door without being bombarded by hugs and kisses from everyone – no matter what the age. My mom’s side used to remind me of a big Italian family – kisses, hugs, everyone’s talking at once, loud laughter, wine, food – the whole works. (only thing missing was the minor detail that none of us were actually Italian ha!) We grew up with affection and yet we rarely were towards each other. Maybe I thought I was too ‘cool and tough’ for it.

Instead, I waited until she was in the casket, only then did I try and squeeze in every last kiss, apology and ‘I love you’ that I could before they forced us to close it. From then on out – I was constantly begging for forgiveness. We all were. Always asking her and God to forgive us for what we did or didn’t do correctly, forgive us for making you feel like that was your only way out. Forgive us for not saving you. Forgive us for not making you feel…whatever it was you felt you were lacking! Forgive us for every word never spoken and all the ones that shouldn’t have been. ‘Forgive us our sins’…for we felt there were plenty.

The fear that set in with the guilt was uncontrollable. Every decision from there on out became based on the thought of ‘I don’t want to live with this guilt if something were to happen.’ That was my life for years to follow – living in a constant  fear of guilt. Fear I’d do something to mess another thing up, fear I’d lose someone else and have to live with even more damage that I created. Whether I actually wanted to do something or not, came with the constant reminder of ‘what if you lost them too.’ It became this internal battle with myself, that eventually just flowed into a new found reality and habit of forcing myself to remember how bad the pain can be if I weren’t to do ‘the thing’, whatever that was. 

At that point, although I didn’t realize it at the time – I started a cycle of constantly living in the past, surrounded by depression. I made sure I never forgot all the fuck ups I made with her. And, let’s not forget the regret I forced myself to carry, while also making sure fear had the front seat to remind me I had no room to fuck up again. And just like that – I found myself hauling that ‘old fat guy’ up the hill -more like the mountain – that I had built, to make sure I suffered for all the wrongs I could no longer make right…

Continue reading Demons Within

**If this resonates with you, please share on social media to help others in their journey!**

Gutted

/ Revolution.07 / 1 Comment

Let yourself... quote cheryl strayed

That’s what I felt like after writing the last post – gutted. And it’s really only the beginning of the story…the details. Isn’t it funny how things in your head play out so differently then they do when they’re in front of you? I’m realizing I didn’t take into consideration that I need to have a starting point. I realized I was going to have to go back to uncharted waters prior to 2007. What life was like then – the ‘pre-Josie’ era. That one word, “gutted”, summed it up perfectly, as it’s exactly how I felt.

I don’t know how many more times I can be told, ‘everything is always in perfect timing. Every time you want to move forward with your life, every time you want to shed a layer, be ready for what will follow. Be ready for the hurricane of emotions, thoughts and feelings to arise. The ones that you probably didn’t know you had. Be ready for the rawness of every cell in your body to be stripped. Be ready for things to surface that you didn’t know you needed to address. And once it does, and you allow it to enter you and feel it through, KEEP GOING. Keep peeling away the layers, ripping off the bandages, but know that there will be 10 more to follow. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Allow yourself to take off the armor, put down the shield and just open yourself up to the things you’ve forced yourself to bury and hide from. Because for as much as you want to help others, you’re being forced to help yourself more. As many times as I need that reminder, it’s still hard to comprehend when the going gets tough.

When I think back to all the coulda, shoulda, wouldas – I think to myself – ‘self’ (ha) imagine if everyone had this opportunity? Imagine if everyone started doing and saying and better expressing their raw, and true emotions? What if people were more accepting and respectful of those that did? I don’t mean out of anger, sarcasm, hate or pain – but just out love and letting it all go? A true, heart to heart and face to face conversation of where their story began, starting with the details of their childhood. Whether it be with another person, a mirror, or a journal? What a lighter load it’d be to carry if we all had the opportunity to release the pent up things we’ve held for so long, even if they are painful to say out loud? And even if the other person wasn’t accepting of it, what if we could just feel better for releasing it?

When I think back to Josie – I think of all of the things she internalized – for all the times we’ve said ‘if we had been more _____’ Well, maybe we still can be – maybe that’s where we need to start – just by putting down the armor and shield in constant defense of what might come next. Who might piss us off or offend us, who might hurt us, who might annoy us, or be a nuisance next. Or, who we may upset on some level, the fear of never wanting to rock the boat, but knowing deep down in our soul it’s apart of you. For all of the feedback I’ve gotten thus far – I invite you all to keep that in mind…as I continue to peel back the layers of my story – I invite you to do the same in yours. Think about how you can relate, or why you relate, or perhaps you can simply relate a little easier to someone else. It is the beginning of any healing revolution – allowing yourself to be gutted – instead of being worried about what the person next to you may say, or your spouse may think of you – maybe facing your own story from the beginning is the start of something painful – but also something so liberating! 

Continue reading Heaviest of Baggage

**If this resonates with you, please share on social media to help others in their journey!**

In a Nutshell

/ Revolution.07 / 7 Comments

Revolution is a word that has come out of my mouth more in the past 2 years then ever before. I’m a believer in it. And although at the time I wasn’t sure what type of revolution was needed in this world – I began thinking of when my own personal revolution began. It was 2007. 2007 was a huge shifting point in my life – and it’s taken me years to realize that. 07 was the year I got engaged, quit my full time job (without a back-up plan), remodeled and moved into the house I grew up in and it was the year that ended with the loss of my sister. My only sister – Josie – at the age of 19 – from an unexpected suicide after a loosing battle with clinical depression.

That was a turning point in my life that brought me to the depths of the valleys I never knew existed. I felt things I wouldn’t wish upon anyone and I learned things I never want to repeat. But just as the night is always darkest just before the dawn – on the other side of every valley is a hilltop. After years of not only sitting in the valley, but years more of drowning in water 2 inches deep unable to stand up – I’ve finally started to see with a clearer vision of what the view from that hilltop looks like.

Revolution.07 was my own inner tornado of life experiences – more like blows – that seemed to kick me each time I attempted to pick myself up. Have you ever felt as if you were banging your head on a wall wanting to make it stop but you couldn’t? That was me. The image I get in my head is Austin Powers trying to escape, he keeps putting it into drive, then reverse, then drive – but isn’t making any progress;)
My revolution began in 07, driven by intense and overwhelming cloud of sadness and guilt that I was unable to pull myself out of. In 2009 I took another hard blow of a very messy separation– from that point on I was anger driven. Overwhelmed by hatred and anger, I continued to spin out of control trying to find a new way to move forward, but too blind or consumed by past life experiences to know how.

The only consistent thing from 2007 to present has been my writing. This has been my safe haven and one of the few healthy coping mechanisms I used from the beginning of this shit show. I’ve been told multiple times through the years to blog but never had the confidence or the know how to actually do it. And I really didn’t think I had anything substantial to offer people on a regular basis through my writing.
There are still a lot of things about this endeavor I’m unsure of, such as what the format will look like or the topics will be – but I’m hoping you’ll stick with me and help guide me! And I hope I can help you – despite what your current situation may be – to see the light through the darkness, to know that healing is possible – from the depths of your soul. I hope you know there are people and resources out there to help get you there. To teach you that mind, body and soul are all connected and that peace within and without are possible. I know because I’ve finally been able see what the view from the top is starting to look like. And although I have plenty left ahead of me, I’m looking forward to this part of the journey. This is where my revolution has really begun – turns out it’s a healing revolution – and I hope it will help trigger yours as well. Welcome!

Continue reading the next entry “The Fog“

**If any this post resonates with you, please feel free to share on social media to help others**