healing

Detour with V

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Blog - wake up V entryFor all of you who are feeling stuck, shit outta luck, sick and tired of being sick of tired, unsure of why you’re at a stand still in life, in a war with yourself in your head, staring at the other side of the road but completely unsure as to how to get over there – I encourage you to read further.
I’ve been at a stand still with the blog – 11 entries started, none completed! ha For any that follow or have asked how I’ve learned to heal or move forward, although I will be talking about more in detail about that as the entries move forward, I’d like to share this part with you.

My name is Amanda. I will describe myself as pre-Vanessa, and post-Vanessa.

Prior to starting this more intense part of my journey on my ‘path to purpose’, I would have best described myself as a single mother, who endured a very intense amount of hurt in a short amount of time about 8 years ago. Although I never doubted the fact that I was meant to do more in this life, I was stuck in a dark place of mental, physical and emotional pain.  I held an insane amount of anger and sadness within me – more than I ever realized.

I became ‘stuck’ in this repetitive pattern of self-hatred and self-destructive behavior, relying on outside crutches to temporarily ‘fix’ me. I was always standing at point A staring at a foggy version of point C, but was never able to bridge them together. I just continued in what seemed like a never-ending game of cat and mouse.

That’s when I met Vanessa – she was my bridge, she was the start of a clearer vision to a brighter future.

Less then a year after having the pleasure of crossing paths with Vanessa and completing the Wake Up Package – I would say I have more than ‘woken up’ in so many more aspects of my life, more than I could’ve realized! As a person, my world and I have changed from the inside out.

Have you ever wondered how you can be so sure of something and yet never know why?

Have you ever noticed how the dots in life can be perfectly connected when you look backwards?

That was me with Vanessa–I had no idea who she was, but from a very generic, brief description from a friend of a friend, I somehow knew that she would be able to help me. Without thinking twice, I connected with her and the rest is history. Words cannot explain but I would call it something beyond a ‘soul connection’.

I was at a career crossroads, debating on changing careers. Debating on incurring more school debt and reducing the status of my full time job to do so. For whatever reason, I knew she was the intervention and guide I needed right then and there while I was on the brink of making this decision. However, I had no idea of the extent that she would be able to help in every area of my life, not just my career. I was oblivious to the depth in which I needed the help and the how very badly fogged my lens on life was!

THE NAME ‘THE WAKE UP PACKAGE’ COULDN’T HAVE A BETTER TITLE–BECAUSE THERE’S NO DENYING THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT IT DID, AND WILL DO FOR YOU AS WELL!

I began to realize the perception I lived in, the chains that bound me to problems I thought I could never move beyond. Somehow those constant stop and yield signs began to dissipate once and for all. The cruise control was off, and I was finally awake while driving, enjoying the scenery as I passed by.

Now, I would be lying if I said this process was pain free or there was a direct flight! There were times when it was a very painful process; times when I was forced to rip the bandage off, forced to realize that in one hand, I held both the bullet to the gun and the keys to the shackles of my own life all at once. But the liberation that comes with it, I can’t quite explain. The weight that was lifted from me after completing this process. It’s something that I have never felt before. The best part is, after you complete the package, you’re ‘done’ per se, but on so many levels, you’ve only just begun.

You want to keep learning in the school of life and Vanessa is ALWAYS there as a constant resource for those ‘pick me up’ sessions to get you through as you need it. She’s not just a life stylist, she’s a phenomenal traffic director, because as she’s trying to help you clear those ‘road closed’ signs, she’s a resource to so many other healing modalities and people.

The amount of connections that I made just through her in a short amount of time was unreal! I honestly can’t thank her enough, for not only helping me to finally free myself, but to help my family as well. To help us to see what the ‘flipping of a lens’ can do. The services that Vanessa offers are truly priceless: these are things that you won’t learn from a textbook, from a therapist or on the job training–and the best part is–they can be used in EVERY aspect of your life for the REST of your life.

Thank you for showing me what liberation from myself feels like.  It feels so good to finally be able to stand on the other side of the road and see how far I’ve come in a short amount time! Originally that was a road I couldn’t even see across. Thank You for the life-long connections and lessons you’ve taught me along the way. To know you are only a phone call, Skype session or a short drive away from wherever in the world I happen to be is such a comforting feeling.

THANK YOU VANESSA FOR HELPING ME CATCH MY BREATH, FOR REDIRECTING ME ONTO A PATH THAT’S BETTER THAN I COULD HAVE IMAGINED–AND TO KNOW IT’S ONLY JUST BEGUN!  

Amanda Ellinghuysen

This is the testimonial I wrote for Vanessa and feel she deserves an entry of her own 🙂 And hey, it’s tax season people! Money to burn, money to burn! And this year – put it towards something that’ll get you farther then the same old mundane shit – live a little – live for yourself, be OK with taking a step in a new and right direction and quit allowing fear and excuses to keep you stuck. Unravel yourself – I PROMISE – you won’t be sorry! 🙂

http://www.vanessafeils.com  http://www.vanessafeils.com/client-love/

Apples to oranges

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blog apples2oranges pic

APPLE TO ORANGES

“Whatever happens to you, belongs to you. Make it yours. Feed it to yourself, even if it feels impossible to swallow. Let it nurture you, because it will. “ – Cheryl Strayed

There were many years I truly believed it was impossible to take any more blows. I was sure that there was no humanly way possible to survive them if I was forced to take another hit. I thought I was the only one that endured that kind of tragedy and pain to the extent I did and within the short amount of time that I did. In the same breath I’d find myself looking around and thinking ‘don’t complain, it can always be worse, you have so much to be grateful for.’ But I was wrong – about most of it.

Maybe by constantly feeling as if I had to bury it, that I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to complain, vent or cry about it – I was only making it worse. Maybe feeling like my circumstances were less then so many others or that I didn’t have the right to feel and think the way I did, only prolonged my healing further. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I had alot of safe havens and wonderfully supportive people in my life (God only knows they listened to me like a broken record of the Titanic song replaying over and oveeeeer!!  Even though I had those outlets I was still always thinking I didn’t have the right to feel bad, sad or mad about certain parts of it. And more importantly I think the focus of those venting sessions were being placed on things and people that, at the time I thought were the issues. Primarily because I couldn’t say what I was actually thinking, or perhaps I just didn’t allow myself to go there mentally. It was as if the only emotion tied to her was sadness and the only one tied to him was anger. I couldn’t be mad at her or sad over him because it wasn’t her fault she felt that way and I couldn’t cry about someone who I was supposed to be happy I was rid of. It’s as if it’s ingrained in us to always remember ‘it could be worse’ or ‘at least you aren’t them!’ So, while I had outlets, I was always playing this game with myself that I needed to quit, needed to get over it, needed to stop thinking or feeling certain things as they arose. So, instead I’d go back to my default emotion and cry or rage depending on which one it pertain too 

There’s this constant comparison in our world that we always need to shut up and just be thankful. While gratitude is important, burning our stories and emotions surrounding them, only further suppresses what is already there. We have every right to endure them in whatever manner we need too in order to work through them. It’s as if we can better justify what’s going on in our life at the time by doing things such as self talk like ‘get over it’ or ‘just be grateful’. Maybe that’s why we endure those relationships for far longer then we ever should’ve allowed, wallow in guilt or pity towards others, staying bound to their ways, or stay in our own hellhole of a prison, induced by depression and self hate for years beyond what was needed. Maybe by just owning it and feeling every terrible aspect of it, we’d be able to move through it faster.

Now, 8 years after her death and 7 post separation, I’ve had to relive every dirty and sickening detail of both. And each time they’ve resurfaced, they’ve come back at a greater intensity because of it. So, maybe you should scream into your pillow when you need too, cry in the middle of the store because you thought for a split second you seen a glimpse of them, laugh because that song that just came on triggered a memory. Maybe there isn’t an answer for everything, maybe we need to feel it for what it is because it’s our story. Maybe the constant comparison is doing nothing but driving us all deeper into a state of hell and oblivion. Maybe instead of thinking we’re entitled to all the material things around us, we should realize we’re entitled to our emotions surrounding our circumstances. Maybe then there’d be less holes in the walls or terrible things said and done, maybe there’d be less depressive states, less cheating, less hate and anger. Maybe if we’d just allow ourselves to act or react at the time that the actual emotion occurs instead of telling ourselves how ridiculous we’ll look crying for no reason, or screaming in our car at a red light is taboo, the only ones we’re hurting is ourselves.

Healing comes from within, and it comes from no one but ourselves. Maybe when we just being a little truer to our emotions as they arise, truer to our journey and hardships as they cross our paths, maybe we can move forward – for real. It’s OK if you feel like your world is falling apart on account of a break-up, or that you won’t survive if you loose your parent to a disease, or that you can’t possibly face another soul in public after an embarrassing charade at the local saloon or that you’ll be a let down if you lose your job. It’s OK because I know what all of them feel like.

 When you look at the grand scheme of things – it’s terrible right then and there, but then again, it was terrible in 9th grade when the opposite sex turned you down. It was terrible when you rolled your car in your driveway (oh wait, maybe I’m the only one that’s ever done that ahahahaaa) It was terrible to get the rejection letter to your college of choice or first pick job. many have been terrible in your life, and at the time, they needed to be and were warranted for their own reasons, but you survived them too. Maybe the trick to surviving has more to do with being OK that things are shit right then, and less to do with comparing our story to the next persons. Maybe while saying our ‘gratefuls’ we can also curse and cry about the things that aren’t so great. Either way, it’s worth a try to allow yourself to feel every corner of grief, of loss, of the unknown, of being scared shitless, of anger, rage hate, fear, sadness and love all at once! (Yep, there are days it happens just like that – one big ball of ‘holy shit – I’m laughing through my tears while punching my pillow! As different and unique as all of our stories are in so many ways, maybe our reactions behind them aren’t as crazy as they may seem, or not to the extent that we feed ourselves anyways.

Continue reading Blind Faith

*If this resonates with you, please share on social media to help others in their journey!**

Rear view mirror

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rearviewmirror

That rear view mirror, I’m realizing – is where I’ve spent a majority of my life. Always staring back at another door closed. Whether it was slammed shut, nicely closed, left half open for torment (by no ones fault but my own) or I was forced through it…that mirror is where I’ve spent the last few years of my life. Trying to figure how to edit the picture because I’ve hated so many details of it.

I’d become resentful of the good just as much as the bad. The good was a reminder of where I wasn’t anymore. And a constant threat that I may never achieve “it” again. I hated how intense the bad parts were, and the overflow effects of them. Every part of my life suffered in some degree from the lack of control over the deeply ingrained sadness and anger. Every picture triggered a memory. A memory of when Josie was still here, what my weight was, what my dreams and aspirations at that time consisted of, a reminder of what I had lost. After my daughter was born was one of the few times I remember feeling fully content in every aspect of my life. But as different aspects of my life began to unravel that faded as well.

To look back at that blurred picture of my past there were 2 massive gashes that split my world in 2. The first driven by sadness and guilt, it’s as if they’re chapters labeled ‘pre-Josie and post-Josie’ and the second driven by anger and shame, or the ‘pre and post-divorce.’ It’s as if they were historic “Eras” in my life that set the stage for what was to come. From then on almost everything was replayed on a daily basis, constantly wondering where I went wrong in both places, both with her, and with him. Hating myself even more for not being able to help her and not being able to keep him. For never measuring up, for feeling lost, for being broken, for being everything I never thought it was possible to become, especially in such a short amount of time.

Stage 5 is Acceptance. 8 years later, I’m finding I’m still learning to ‘accept’ little aspects that perhaps I haven’t put to rest. Maybe acceptance is realizing that that mirror needs to be shattered. Because no matter how many times I go back and replay it, try to figure out exactly at which point I went wrong, was it how I said it or was it that I didn’t say it? Was it that I didn’t love hard enough, or too much? Was it the tone in which I said it or the manner in which I did it that sent off the wrong message? Or, was it that I did all of them, I just did the wrong ones with the wrong person? Maybe it was that I should’ve loved her more and him less, I should’ve said more to her instead of giving into the argument with him. 

You know what I’m learning to say to that – it’s all fucking bullshiiiiiiiiiiiit!! Every word of it. The truth is, it doesn’t matter what I did or didn’t do, how I said it, or if I said it, how I looked, how I felt, what I thought – the point is – this is where I am now. There is no such thing as a ‘filter’, a ‘crop’ or an ‘edit’ button on life and there’s certainly no such thing as rewind! I’m sick of beating myself up for it, I’m sick of reliving it, I’m sick of wanting it to look and be different, I’m sick of the emotions that arise when I do relive it, I’m sick of the energy and time I put into things that will never make the outcome any different then what they are.

There are many days that I hate that this is my life and my story, because I feel like it could’ve and should’ve been different. But, what if, we could hit the rewind button and we did it according to the ‘textbook’ way and it still ended? Maybe with a different ending, but the same result nonetheless? What if she had been killed in a car accident instead of overdosing? What if he was honest and asked for a separation instead of lying and cheating? What if I would’ve just listened to my gut every time? Would it have made it a little less painful in some ways? Perhaps. But would it have changed the end result? Less then likely. Because sometimes it shakes out a certain way because it has too, because maybe that’s the only way that we’ll wake up and see things in a different light. Or, maybe that’s the only way we’ll finally walk away for good and know that going back is no longer an option. Maybe I put up with it for so long and just kept signing myself up for one more round in the ring after the other until I finally had to have the door slammed in my face so I’d get it…like for real! Maybe I wanted control of something I never had control of to begin with, maybe I wanted to fix something that wasn’t meant to be fixed, maybe I was being told and shown that I needed to be done trying to make something out of nothing. Maybe I have been far more lost and broken because of all of it. Maybe…hopefully…I’ll come out stronger and farther ahead because of it.

Whatever the case may be, however it plays it, peace out to the rear view mirror. Adios to the replays. And a good square kick in the ass to the self hate, blame and shame I’ve allowed myself to feel and endure since those ‘gashes’. What’s done is done, if I don’t want to relive it then I need to make sure I heal from it and move forward, leaving the shattered pieces where they may have fallen. I can’t keep trying to put things together that were meant to stay broken, I can’t keep trying to fix people and things that aren’t meant to be fixed, nor do I want to be. A majority of it will remain shattered and tainted, and that’s ok, it’s part of my story and what makes it mine. I don’t want it to own me, to hold me captive, or to be my only story. I want to be able to look ahead with appreciation and enthusiasm, I want the rest of the story to consist of more then that shitty, smeared and broken, ugly and torn past. And the only one that’s sitting in the drivers seat is me. I’ve spent the better part of 8 years with the loaded gun in one hand and the keys in the other. Am I going to pull the trigger over and over or am I going to break the chains that bind me and set myself free?

Continue reading Apples to oranges

*If this resonates with you, please share on social media to help others in their journey!**

Gluttony and Starvation

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hillroad

Let’s just go back and unravel a few things that related to the last entry. Due to the response I got on it, it clearly hit home to many.

I named this gluttony and starvation because on so many levels that was my life – overindulging while starving myself simultaneously. Seems a bit insane, right? If I wasn’t drowning myself in booze and partying I was starving myself from food, if I was overeating I was withdrawing from my social life (damn scale and jeans that keep shrinking ;). It seemed there really wasn’t a time I wasn’t doing one and/or the other, and certainly no balance between the 2!

I’m willing to bet there are few that can’t apply this to their life as well . Whether it’s short or long term, we’ve all been in those shitty funks! It’s those plumets rock bottom that get devoured by the guilt and shame. The thoughts and feelings of being so abnormal because you can’t be the person you once were. Then the expectation related to those thoughts and feelings, both by yourself and others around you. On a totally unconscious level we bury them as deep as we can, whether it be booze, nose candy, smoking, sex, working out or food.  Then there’s the other end of the spectrum, starving and depriving ourselves, from food, healthy relationships, fun, from a job we might actually like or are passionate about. It wasn’t just physical either,  to say I was emotionally unbalanced was an understatement! But, then again, emotions are triggered by mental thoughts. If I wasn’t overly judgemental I was excessively sad or angry. If I wasn’t sad I was on a high that followed a terrible crash.

I always thought that I didn’t deserve it, that I was less then it, that until I could change my demeanor, weight, looks or attitude, I didn’t deserve all, or any goodness in my life. “It” is referring to whatever it was outside of me that I wanted.

I always justified how I didn’t deserve it or wasn’t good enough for ‘it’ or ‘them’. And, there were plenty of things outside of me that reiterated that as well. I mean has anyone looked at a magazine cover – and then tried to look in the mirror?! Pffff, kudos to all of you who can accept every single aspect of yourself! I mean, really – KUDOS! (Please tell me your secret!) Can you can love every piece of the extra 10 pounds you carry? The cellulite, the wrinkles, the stretch marks? Can you appreciate yourself inside out, good with the bad and your journey – without having a laundering list of things you had to sacrifice to get it? I couldn’t and it’s still a HUGE daily struggle for me!

I was always in competition when in it came to relationships too, whether it be with the bottle or other women, fearful of which would ‘win’ next. So after awhile I subconsciously began to like that game because it’s what I knew. So again, I starved myself from freedom, from relationships where I didn’t have to feel I needed to compete or fight or be controlled and over indulged in what I had become to know. I stayed on account of obligation, whether it be a social event we had coming up, or a trip or the way others guilted me into it, I always stayed far longer then I should’ve. And when a decent relationship actually did surface, I had no idea what to do with it! I didn’t know how to get along, how to not feel insecure, how not to be jealous or untrusting. It was a foreign language to me.

On a gut level, I always knew what was right. Always. There are few times I can’t recall exactly having those thoughts and feelings and talking myself right back into the vicious cycle! I’ve always had killer intuition, but not necessarily one that I’ve acted upon. Instead, I hated myself more! I hated myself for that slice of pizza, that piece of cake, one drink that followed the next. Then there’s the guilt that follows the choice that follows the result. The number on the scale because I ate it, the hangover because I drank it, the embarrasement because I said or did it, the guilt for not allowing the good to stay in my life. Just keep it coming! But hey, misery needs company too, right?!
And just like with all lies in life, I really started to believe all of it, down to the core.

So, for all of you that can relate to at least some aspect of this – you aren’t alone – not even a little bit. And I’m far from beyond it! I’m still learning how to work through it, how to remove myself from the places, people and things I don’t like about my life that I feel are adding to my already heavy baggage. And it isn’t all outside of me, alot of it is taking control of my own thoughts, acknowledging these things have been brewing and trying to peel away what seems like an unending amount of layers!

For all who contacted me on the last entry, thank you. It’s helpful to have feedback, and as happy as I was for it, I’m sorry so many can relate to these valleys. But, I guess talking and being open is the first step to awareness, and to healing. Funny how clearing the white elephant in the room makes that baggage seem alot lighter, eh?! 🙂

Continue reading Rear view mirror

*If this resonates with you please share on social media to help others in their journey!**

4th stage, 4th letter – D.

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It’s funny that the mental picture many get in their heads when hearing ‘psychiatric or mental issues’ is a padded room. Because I swore I was standing in one for years, there were days that room sounded far better then being in my own head.

This stage was, and to some degree still is, a huge part of my life. It’s the forbidden word, the one that we as society tries to avoid at all costs. Who can blame them, the highlight reels of the outside world are far more exciting then a topic such as this! 

So, depression, mental illness, psychiatric issues, a nut job, a lunatic – I don’t care what you want to refer to it as – it’s real. And it’s real in alot of other ways then that padded room. 

Josie was diagnosed at the age of 11. My parents never hid the fact that this was a concern. Not only was she treated by medication, but my parents made sure she had also had a therapist to talk through things. Depression is a word that I was very aware of growing up, but nothing I could personally relate too. It honestly never made sense to me. My mentality on the whole subject was ‘pick yourself up by your bootstraps, get over it and just be happy already!’ Then one day, I found myself standing on the opposite side of a fence I never understood, nor cared to ever understand. Once I was there – I instantaneously understood the physical and mental heaviness that so heavily bogged her down, both physically and mentally.

I remember standing in the kitchen while Nathan told me ‘you’re here, but you aren’t here, we need you here mentally just as much as physically.’ I remember thinking, yeah, no shit, I wish that was an option, but it’s something I can’t conceptualize at this point. From a physical standpoint, I had gained 40 pounds within a year – food became my safe haven. Aside from that, getting out of bed was SO much work, and being active was no longer in my vocabulary. I didn’t want to have to see a soul, including myself. I’ve never known mascara stained cheeks to be a trend, and that’s all that would happen if and when I did leave the house. The few times we would go out, I would find myself just standing there looking around thinking, I shouldn’t be here. I didn’t deserve to laugh or have fun. I’d find myself watching others doing just that and think ‘I wish I could do that and it come so naturally again.” No matter how many times I tried, like really tried to laugh or be fully engaged in a conversation, I couldn’t be genuinely engaged, every part of my mental body was a million miles away. The laugh wasn’t genuine, the conversation was surface, probably for both parties, because I’m sure others were unsure of what to say or how to say it. The only thing I could think about was her, how my life would never be the same, how I hated the person I was before this, especially my selfish ways, and yet how I so badly, to some degree, wanted to remember and be my old self again. It was a time of total and complete darkness.

By May of 2008 after suicidal thoughts, that I really don’t think would’ve been that hard to follow through on – I was admitted into the Generose outpatient program. It was the only option I had next to inpatient treatment. I was taken off of work for 6 weeks in hopes of regaining some sanity. That’s when my adventure with medications started, which only added to the weight gain and excessive sleeping at first, but at least when I was awake, I was a little more coherent. I believe most medications are a temporary bridge, there is only so much they are going to do, but the root of the problem often lies far deeper then that. I was directed to a Godsend of a Psychologist, Don Williams, who drastically impacted and seriously saved my life. He gave me insight on everything from suicide, to depression to parenting, to coping, while reiterating I wasn’t as crazy as I felt! (Always a nice reassurance, even if he was lying 😉 I began to look forward to our sessions, even if they were nothing but chronic breakdowns to start. They were my weekly ‘pick me up’ to get me through the next week, it was like a small load would be lifted from me each time I left.  After awhile the intense crying became a little less, but the topic was still repetitive. I remember telling him over and over, ‘I don’t know why I think these terrible things! I hate it, I know it isn’t right and I just want it to stop! It’s MY head, MY thoughts – I should be able to control them, I’M in charge of them! And, as always, his feedback was perfect. He would ask, ‘can a cancer patient make their tumor stop growing?’ Of course I looked at him like WTF does this have to do with anything!? He said ‘that’s the problem with society, everyone thinks it’s that easy, you just flip a switch and you can magically think differently. But this is a disease, just like cancer or heart disease. It’s the same as looking at that cancer patient and saying ‘it’s your body, make the tumor stop!’ It doesn’t work that way. I remember being awed, just like that, things made more sense. Isn’t it funny what we believe on account of what’s drilled into us? I was feeling so guilty for not being able to better control my mindset, but I was sick. Funny how things are viewed so differently isn’t it?

Don was my sounding board for years, he walked me through, step by step how to just survive by putting one foot in front of the other. That’s all it was for a long time, pure survival mode. It was like going back to the basics of teaching a child to eat, sleep and bathe on their own. I had to learn how important it was to shower and take 10 minute walks to try and clear my head, time to decompress, but not too much! I needed to start putting things back on my calendar, even if they didn’t sound the least bit enjoyable. Start wearing makeup and doing something with my hair before work. Things that used to come so easy to me, I was now having to be told to do. They worked – for awhile. But then I’d cycle back around again, needing another medication or dosage change. Fuck, when was I ever going to be normal again?! Better yet, was I even normal before? Did I even like the “me” before all of this? I had done such a good job hating that person, but I equally this one as well. Why can’t I just laugh, why is having fun so hard? Why can’t I be excited about things again? Why can’t I enjoy everything I have? Ready, set, walk…one .foot.in.front.of.the.other. They say slow and steady wins the race, and slow it was!

Continue reading Gluttony and Starvation

**If this resonates with you, please share on social media to help others in their journey!**

Out with the old, in with the new!

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I don’t know about anyone else – but I’m more then happy to send 2015 off with a square kick in the a**! Man, this year has been intense! I walked into 2015 being advised that my actions needed to start meeting my words. That while I knew I wanted a change in my life, I was reminded that me, perched on a bar stool with a vodka water in hand, isn’t exactly the fastest way to get there! (Who knew?! 😉

What a whirlwind of a year…exhausting, painful and liberating all at once. It reminded me of my pregnancy, the days long, but the months short once I made it through and she arrived. I felt like I wasn’t making any progress, and when I did, I’d back step, stumble and trip myself 10 steps backwards, only to later be launched forward! Did I say whirlwind?

We, as a collective, have endured alot this past year! Things have amped up tremendously and it’s been intense and a bit scary to think of the direction that we could be headed. From ISIS to politics to Ferguson to climate change it seems things are in disarray every way we turn. It’s hard to feel like we have any type of control over our lives, let alone believing the things we do attempt to do will have any impact!

It was a year of change for me personally, on a very different scale. The advice given to me that stung the most, but also stuck with me was “insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.” I thought I had done so much healing over the past few years, I had worked so hard to overcome obstacles and let go of anger and grief, only to feel as though I had barely touched the surface. The layers feel never ending and each time I thought I could finally close another door, something more would show up with even more intensity, reminding me that this is an ever changing process. Things are always evolving, as are our thought process and feelings around events, people and places as time passes.

It’s been a big year of letting go of SO many things outside of me. I quit coffee and smoking, and significantly decreased my drinking. These have been my physical go-to’s for well over 10 years, so they were big (and hard) accomplishments in themselves! I’ve had to let go of control and be OK with taking leaps on account of blind faith. I let go of people, important people, that although were comfort and routine, weren’t helping me evolve. I learned the importance of boundaries within relationships as well and was forced to speak up about them….all of them, with all relationships. I’ve learned to let go of old and toxic thought patterns, especially about myself. I’ve learned to start questioning more things, both in my life (unconscious behavior and beliefs) and the world at large, seeing things from a different vantage point. Learning to quiet my mind and mouth, and instead being a student of life, with more appreciation then complaining. Letting go of anger and grief, on a deeper level and from a different perspective. Letting go of the ‘norm’ that society seems to impose on us.  Letting go of the need for outside approval and learning to trust myself. There’s been alot more ‘bucking of the system’ (which, let’s be real – I’ve always been a natural at 😉 but trying to do it without fear and guilt, anger and rage. It’s been hard to become more aware of myself and my tendencies, falling back into ‘default mode’ and then not beating myself up for it, instead, course correcting when needed.

As much of a pain in the ass this year has been, I feel like it’s been the ground work for what’s to come! I hope it’s one of resolutions that are larger then just the same old ‘I’m going to loose 20 pounds’. I hope it’s one of true, authentic intention, a better outlining of where we really want to see change in our lives, and more importantly – within ourselves, not just outside of us. I hope it’s one of goals on a larger scale and seeing that it really does begin within us. One that is geared more towards giving and self assessing and less towards blaming. More towards healing our own inner demons and coping in a new way. Focusing more on our passions instead of getting lost in the victim mentality. Remembering that we’re here to move forward, not stay stuck. That we aren’t bound to anything or anyone unless we tell ourselves that’s our only option. Reminding ourselves that we are worth more then we give ourselves credit for, that our past doesn’t own us and it’s up to us to resolve and let go of any anger, guilt or fear that may be surrounding it. I hope it’s one of less social media and more of being present with those standing in front of us. I hope it involves more quiet time for us to think and reflect, with an abundance of gratitude. And although I still have a long road ahead of me, trying to implement this in all areas of my life, I’m really hoping 2016 is just plain BIGGER and BETTER!

I’d also like to give a BIG thanks to all of you who have taken the time to follow me and give me the positive feedback to keep me moving forward on this new endeavor! And a deserved shout out to Aimee, who gave me this advice last January which better put things into motion for me. For planting the seeds (and it actually resonating this time;) that in order to see the change, I have to be the change. Your help through the years has been a base of something that is finally coming into fruition – thank you for that 🙂 (check out her fantastic services at http://www.intuitiveaim.com/ )

SO, a big, fat PEACE OUT to 2015 – thanks for the lessons, but I’m ready for a more peaceful 2016, please and thank you! 😉

Demons Within

/ Revolution.07 / 1 Comment

anger quote 2

Anger – you dirty SOB. You are the root of so many things and rest in so many of us. You control, blame, hate and cause so much damage on a physical, mental and emotional level. This battle really is within ourselves. Stage 3 – bargaining and anger. I hate to admit it, but they became 2 very good friends of mine!

The funny thing about anger was, I didn’t realize  I hit that emotion until years later. There were very few times I remember being angry at her, and when it did arise, it was always short lived. I was far too consumed by guilt to be angry, after all, I felt as though it was largely my fault that she decided to  leave. The amazing thing about anger that I’ve noticed is, it’s rarely directed at the actual cause or source of where it’s been festering. Instead, it overflows into other aspects of our lives, and that was exactly the case here. For me, it primarily overflowed into my home life and job. It came through in various forms, but it was most blatantly directed at my fiancé at the time. Why you ask? Why not!? I mean, it was his fault I never did half of the things she wanted me too. It was his fault that I said ‘no’ to her every time she asked, it was his fault I felt too guilty to even ask if I could. It was his fault I ever thought I had to ask to begin with, or feared a fight would stem from it. It was his fault he didn’t understand it, at least not to the caliber we felt it anyways (according to me). It was his fault he had 3 siblings and I didn’t. Blame and anger are identical twins. Where you have 1, you’ll likely find the other. The finger that points outwards is never as powerful as the 3 pointing back at you!

I had just started my new job 2 weeks prior to her death, and I’d have to admit that a fair amount of anger was also taken out on the patients, in a non-obvious way. The only thing I could focus on for years after was how our Oncology patients at least got the opportunity to say goodbye. Every time I roomed someone or knew another person was going to hospice, that was my jealous thought towards them. As far as I was concerned, at least they had the chance to get their affairs in order, to say all of the things they wanted too, do the things they wanted, kiss and hug them before putting them in the ground – in fact – they had no idea how fortunate they were! A terrible comparison but it was the truth. It was my thought process, I was so jealous of those that had that ‘one more day’. I hated and resented them for getting the one thing I couldn’t have.  That was my anger. I was pissed this was now my life. And even more, I was pissed that I had to look at myself in the mirror, reminding myself of all I did or didn’t do. I hated myself for the responsibility I felt. But, who else was I going to blame? I had all I could do to just function and attempt to half ask cope, the hell if I could handle taking responsibility for my own actions, therefore I would reside in this god forsaken hell hole of my own pain and suffering. 

It didn’t come through as direct ‘anger’ in the form one would think. I wasn’t throwing shit or screaming and yelling – I just turned cold and bitter and more continuously resentful. My sarcasm in general increased, I internalized more, kept making myself stay buried in the hell that I honestly didn’t think I was going to come out of, or perhaps secretly didn’t want to. As years and other circumstances in my life unfolded, anger became my closest friend. I began to let others dictate and influence me in ways that only drove me deeper. I learned to cope with more self destructive habits, always wanting the temporary escape. It’s funny what a demon anger is, what it controls, how it’s expressed and even more fascinating – is how it’s justified. How we force ourselves to succumb to the depths of it.

Now bargaining – that one I had mastered within a day! I would’ve signed any contract with the devil and there were many lives aside from hers I was willing to exchange! There was next to nothing I wouldn’t give to just at least just be able to apologize. But then again, that’s what everyone says in a time like this, right? Aren’t we all great bargainers? It doesn’t even take something tragic to start signing away our souls. I mean shit, I was making deals with the devil for a pair of Girbaud jeans for Christmas by the age of 10!  Sacrifice my dog for a CD player? Pfff, if that’s all it takes to say I own one – consider it did! Ha 

Why is it that when shit starts hitting the fan is when we decide to hit our knees? Then the real begging, pleading and bargaining begins, and the stakes are high! Ever wonder why we wait until things have hit that point to start looking up? Why do we need these life altering circumstances to force us back into reality? To force us into the here and now, to reevaluate what and who is most important. Only then do we understand another’s pain and truly empathize with their story. Only then do we recall the damage we’ve done onto others and then swear that you’ll never inflict pain on another soul again. Just like we swear off drinking after waking up with a bad hangover. 😉 It’s these times that make us take a look around at what we’ve had sitting right in front of us the entire time? But then again, if we couldn’t be grateful when we had it, what makes us think we deserve to keep it?

Continue reading 4th stage, 4th letter – D.

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Heaviest of Baggage

/ Revolution.07 / 2 Comments

They say there are 7 stages of grief, and I’ve lived this grief in more then just the loss of Josie – it just arose differently each time.

The entry ‘The Fog’ was my state of shock and denial – and one that still, on occasion, arises. Bringing with it questions such as – did that all really happen – is this really my life? So whether it be a break up, a divorce, an argument, a friendship, or in this case, a death – the guilt that follows can be intense when it does surface. It’s something that can eat a person alive while replaying each detail. When you’re standing there wondering ‘how did I get here?’ At what point did I go wrong – I must’ve missed the signs that were pointing to this moment – how could I have been so blind?!

For me, guilt has by far the heaviest of burdens to carry. It was something that sunk in, settled nice and deep and didn’t think of moving. It was a dark force that not only made me replay every last word, minute and scenario leading up to that phone call, but it imposed itself in every area of my life from there on out. The non-stop thought process of ‘I’m so sorry Josie, I’m just so sorry, will you ever forgive me? I should’ve known, I should’ve taken the time, I should’ve gone to the places you asked me to go instead of worrying about what it would cost, I should’ve asked more questions – real questions, not just the surface ones. I should’ve allowed you to speak, given her the opportunity to really open up without going into what was happening in my world. I should’ve claimed her more when we were younger instead of pawning her off. I should’ve let her sit on the bus with me, or sleep with me when she was scared. I should’ve listened to my mom – all the times she’d say ‘that’s all you have is  each other, be good to one another.’ I should’ve chosen you over him, instead of worrying about what fight would stem from it. I should’ve traveled with you instead of worrying about getting ahead on payments and making sure my credit score was tip top. I should’ve actually said what I was thinking when we were out smoking the night before ‘Jos, you seem so good, and you’ve lost weight!’ I shouldn’t have let it go when you hesitated after I brought up designing the wedding invites. I should’ve stayed up longer that night instead of being so concerned with getting to bed because I had just started a new job. I should’ve listened to my gut and gotten back up when I heard you shut down the computer and remember vividly hearing your footsteps walk across the floor, for what would be the last time. I should’ve acted, or perhaps reacted, when I had a fleeting thought while laying there listening to you put on your shoes, ‘I wonder what’s going on, something seems off’. I normally never thought that stuff, because alot of times, that was the norm, her moods were up and down and she would get irritated with me, like siblings do, and I’d brush it off and tell her to relax. My go-to response was telling  her to get over it and not to be so sensitive. But that night, I remember feeling like something was off as I laid there. 

I should’ve hugged and kissed her and said I love you, instead of worrying about pride or what that would look like. We were raised in a family of huggers, you didn’t get to walk in the door without being bombarded by hugs and kisses from everyone – no matter what the age. My mom’s side used to remind me of a big Italian family – kisses, hugs, everyone’s talking at once, loud laughter, wine, food – the whole works. (only thing missing was the minor detail that none of us were actually Italian ha!) We grew up with affection and yet we rarely were towards each other. Maybe I thought I was too ‘cool and tough’ for it.

Instead, I waited until she was in the casket, only then did I try and squeeze in every last kiss, apology and ‘I love you’ that I could before they forced us to close it. From then on out – I was constantly begging for forgiveness. We all were. Always asking her and God to forgive us for what we did or didn’t do correctly, forgive us for making you feel like that was your only way out. Forgive us for not saving you. Forgive us for not making you feel…whatever it was you felt you were lacking! Forgive us for every word never spoken and all the ones that shouldn’t have been. ‘Forgive us our sins’…for we felt there were plenty.

The fear that set in with the guilt was uncontrollable. Every decision from there on out became based on the thought of ‘I don’t want to live with this guilt if something were to happen.’ That was my life for years to follow – living in a constant  fear of guilt. Fear I’d do something to mess another thing up, fear I’d lose someone else and have to live with even more damage that I created. Whether I actually wanted to do something or not, came with the constant reminder of ‘what if you lost them too.’ It became this internal battle with myself, that eventually just flowed into a new found reality and habit of forcing myself to remember how bad the pain can be if I weren’t to do ‘the thing’, whatever that was. 

At that point, although I didn’t realize it at the time – I started a cycle of constantly living in the past, surrounded by depression. I made sure I never forgot all the fuck ups I made with her. And, let’s not forget the regret I forced myself to carry, while also making sure fear had the front seat to remind me I had no room to fuck up again. And just like that – I found myself hauling that ‘old fat guy’ up the hill -more like the mountain – that I had built, to make sure I suffered for all the wrongs I could no longer make right…

Continue reading Demons Within

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Gutted

/ Revolution.07 / 1 Comment

Let yourself... quote cheryl strayed

That’s what I felt like after writing the last post – gutted. And it’s really only the beginning of the story…the details. Isn’t it funny how things in your head play out so differently then they do when they’re in front of you? I’m realizing I didn’t take into consideration that I need to have a starting point. I realized I was going to have to go back to uncharted waters prior to 2007. What life was like then – the ‘pre-Josie’ era. That one word, “gutted”, summed it up perfectly, as it’s exactly how I felt.

I don’t know how many more times I can be told, ‘everything is always in perfect timing. Every time you want to move forward with your life, every time you want to shed a layer, be ready for what will follow. Be ready for the hurricane of emotions, thoughts and feelings to arise. The ones that you probably didn’t know you had. Be ready for the rawness of every cell in your body to be stripped. Be ready for things to surface that you didn’t know you needed to address. And once it does, and you allow it to enter you and feel it through, KEEP GOING. Keep peeling away the layers, ripping off the bandages, but know that there will be 10 more to follow. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Allow yourself to take off the armor, put down the shield and just open yourself up to the things you’ve forced yourself to bury and hide from. Because for as much as you want to help others, you’re being forced to help yourself more. As many times as I need that reminder, it’s still hard to comprehend when the going gets tough.

When I think back to all the coulda, shoulda, wouldas – I think to myself – ‘self’ (ha) imagine if everyone had this opportunity? Imagine if everyone started doing and saying and better expressing their raw, and true emotions? What if people were more accepting and respectful of those that did? I don’t mean out of anger, sarcasm, hate or pain – but just out love and letting it all go? A true, heart to heart and face to face conversation of where their story began, starting with the details of their childhood. Whether it be with another person, a mirror, or a journal? What a lighter load it’d be to carry if we all had the opportunity to release the pent up things we’ve held for so long, even if they are painful to say out loud? And even if the other person wasn’t accepting of it, what if we could just feel better for releasing it?

When I think back to Josie – I think of all of the things she internalized – for all the times we’ve said ‘if we had been more _____’ Well, maybe we still can be – maybe that’s where we need to start – just by putting down the armor and shield in constant defense of what might come next. Who might piss us off or offend us, who might hurt us, who might annoy us, or be a nuisance next. Or, who we may upset on some level, the fear of never wanting to rock the boat, but knowing deep down in our soul it’s apart of you. For all of the feedback I’ve gotten thus far – I invite you all to keep that in mind…as I continue to peel back the layers of my story – I invite you to do the same in yours. Think about how you can relate, or why you relate, or perhaps you can simply relate a little easier to someone else. It is the beginning of any healing revolution – allowing yourself to be gutted – instead of being worried about what the person next to you may say, or your spouse may think of you – maybe facing your own story from the beginning is the start of something painful – but also something so liberating! 

Continue reading Heaviest of Baggage

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In a Nutshell

/ Revolution.07 / 7 Comments

Revolution is a word that has come out of my mouth more in the past 2 years then ever before. I’m a believer in it. And although at the time I wasn’t sure what type of revolution was needed in this world – I began thinking of when my own personal revolution began. It was 2007. 2007 was a huge shifting point in my life – and it’s taken me years to realize that. 07 was the year I got engaged, quit my full time job (without a back-up plan), remodeled and moved into the house I grew up in and it was the year that ended with the loss of my sister. My only sister – Josie – at the age of 19 – from an unexpected suicide after a loosing battle with clinical depression.

That was a turning point in my life that brought me to the depths of the valleys I never knew existed. I felt things I wouldn’t wish upon anyone and I learned things I never want to repeat. But just as the night is always darkest just before the dawn – on the other side of every valley is a hilltop. After years of not only sitting in the valley, but years more of drowning in water 2 inches deep unable to stand up – I’ve finally started to see with a clearer vision of what the view from that hilltop looks like.

Revolution.07 was my own inner tornado of life experiences – more like blows – that seemed to kick me each time I attempted to pick myself up. Have you ever felt as if you were banging your head on a wall wanting to make it stop but you couldn’t? That was me. The image I get in my head is Austin Powers trying to escape, he keeps putting it into drive, then reverse, then drive – but isn’t making any progress;)
My revolution began in 07, driven by intense and overwhelming cloud of sadness and guilt that I was unable to pull myself out of. In 2009 I took another hard blow of a very messy separation– from that point on I was anger driven. Overwhelmed by hatred and anger, I continued to spin out of control trying to find a new way to move forward, but too blind or consumed by past life experiences to know how.

The only consistent thing from 2007 to present has been my writing. This has been my safe haven and one of the few healthy coping mechanisms I used from the beginning of this shit show. I’ve been told multiple times through the years to blog but never had the confidence or the know how to actually do it. And I really didn’t think I had anything substantial to offer people on a regular basis through my writing.
There are still a lot of things about this endeavor I’m unsure of, such as what the format will look like or the topics will be – but I’m hoping you’ll stick with me and help guide me! And I hope I can help you – despite what your current situation may be – to see the light through the darkness, to know that healing is possible – from the depths of your soul. I hope you know there are people and resources out there to help get you there. To teach you that mind, body and soul are all connected and that peace within and without are possible. I know because I’ve finally been able see what the view from the top is starting to look like. And although I have plenty left ahead of me, I’m looking forward to this part of the journey. This is where my revolution has really begun – turns out it’s a healing revolution – and I hope it will help trigger yours as well. Welcome!

Continue reading the next entry “The Fog“

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